the ghost of boyfriends past

So some of you have ex's that you run in the same social circles with still (don't know how you do that), some of you never see ex's again because they move far away, you move far away, or your lives don't intersect, and then some of you have likely experienced a run-in.

I guess I feel lucky I haven't had a full on run-in with my last ex, but last night was pretty damn close.

I fairly last minute decided to drive into the city after work (in the snow) to meet up for a late dinner with a couple of my close friends.  We met somewhere where I could park in a parking garage for not too much money and was close enough to where they lived that it made sense for all of us.

Note: Not his actual SUV.

Keeping in mind that right now I don't live in the city, "He" I think lives somewhere outside the city (though he was living further away when we dated, go figure).  So for us to be in/near the same place is typically unlikely just in general, never mind on a snowy Thursday.

I'm driving down the side street to where the parking garage is and I see "his" SUV.  I didn't think it was literally his SUV, but when I see his similar make/model/color it does kind of make me tense for a moment (as it's not a very common car like a black Civic or something, it stands out).  But typically its not the exact year/model or whatever or there is a woman driving it (haha).

So I walked out of the parking garage and in front of me is "his SUV" that I drove by, except for this time it literally was HIS.

It had our damn Alumni sticker I put on it when we were dating.

Needless to say I spent much of that evening looking over my shoulder and wondering if I'd run into him.

My friends were sweet and asked me if we should leave and go somewhere else.  But I didn't want him to dictate my night any more than it already had.  So we stayed put, though I had really wished I had made a better effort with my hair that morning.

I don't know what I'd even say at this point.  "Hi, how are you? How's your family?" and to his questions "I'm doing great, I have a new career I love" (but really a basically whole new life since we were together...).

Likely he was at one of the bars/restaurants next to the one I was at, because I didn't run into him.

I joked that I should text him.  But you'd be proud to know I didn't...and I never have.  I'm surprised I never drunk texted him, but I knew that it wouldn't be good for me to do that...ever really.

The Carrie Underwood song Before He Cheats came on at the bar (the irony was not lost on us) and I joked to my friends that I should do all those things to his SUV, or write a message in the snow on his windshield.  Obviously I wouldn't do that.  I don't harbor anger towards him, though sometimes I think it would be easier if I did.

I'd say I'm slightly (being kind to myself) hung up on that relationship, simply because it was my last serious relationship, and since then I've yet to find someone who fits the mold better.  I know I will, but it just hasn't happened yet.  Who knows maybe it will happen tonight.  Maybe it will happen next year.

But until then, I still feel a bit haunted by him.

So much was triggered by that.  It's bad enough when I have a dream about him, or THINK I see his car, or something reminds me of him...and then years since we've even spoken, for me to walk by his car and know he was near me, it was really a mind fuck.  I came home last night and was a bit upset.

I've realized more and more that it has nothing to do with him specifically.  I don't even know him anymore.  What is sad is that someone can be such a part of your life for YEARS and then just suddenly is a stranger.

But this is life.

It's good I didn't see him for a lot of reasons, but I have to say I was a bit disappointed, if I'm being honest.  

Adele vs. Bella.
My money is on Adele.

I wanted him to see how well I was doing, how I'm in better shape then back then, and I wanted to confirm to myself that it's good that I'm not still with him.

But I didn't get that chance.  I have to find closure in other ways, or to continue to "shoo" his ghost in my mind away, until there is no room for him in there because someone else has my fullest attention.  

I told my mother I had to "ice my face" (my eyes swell with like 4 tears).  She told me that would be a good blog title...so while it's not the title, I figured I'd share.

I can't be the only one who is haunted at times by the ghost of boyfriends past.  Take Adele and Bella.  I mean clearly there are different ways to cope with breaking up, or moving on...instead of it making me a weak little bird that can't fly (which it hasn't...get a grip Bella); it's giving me a lot of material that will help in my work and my writing, help me be a better girlfriend/have a better relationship in the future, and/or that it helps you in some way.

I hope that next time I can walk by his SUV, and not even notice it's there...and that I stop tearing up at every Adele song. Maybe someday I'll make millions because of my ex, like she does.

Bleh, anyway.  Time to really exorcise the ex-demon.  The power of MYSELF compels you!

Until next time,
E