Look at me! Look at me!

So I had a long discussion recently with someone dear to me about our self worth, view of self, self confidence, all of that.

What we "discovered" is that we each have a mix of intrinsic and external levels of these things.

What I mean by that is (use me as an example):

What I know and how I feel about myself is 60% constant (such as - I'm a good person, I like myself, I'm smart and capable, I'm fun and interesting, I know I'm stubborn but I'm not changing that (ha) etc etc)

How I feel about myself is 40% based upon others or externally (feedback, compliments, insults, when I'm interested in a guy, when a guy is interested in me, when he isn't, when work is going well, when work is frustrating, when I get a sizable pay check, when I don't, etc).

I'd say at some points I'm more like 70/30, and maybe some points 50/50, but for the most part I have a solid base.  So really at any given point, I'm never feeling completely shitty or completely inept or completely hopeless...maybe at most that negative feeling is at a 50%.

I think that I'm on the higher end of having that solid base of knowing that I'm good and feeling okay about myself.  From what I've gathered from others I've spoken to about this, that I know people who are more like 20/80 with 80% of how they feel about themselves coming from external stimuli or what have you.

Also, since were talking about 40% external effects on how I feel about myself, it's enough that I don't NEED it to still be okay, but it's enough that I crave it and flourish in it.  (read: post statuses on facebook looking for likes and comments, write a blog and enjoy feedback, outgoing and seeking of being social much of the time, etc etc)

Hence the look at me nature that I have.

Some factors likely playing into the look at me nature, or the craving of that extra 40%:

-While I have 4 siblings (technically half-sibs but who is counting) who are older than me and as a result I grew up essentially an only child so I was used to getting most of the attention when attention was being given...and on the flip side was very used to entertaining myself and being alone.

-I spent many years not feeling confident, and socially withdrawing because I didn't think I was worthy of being included.

-I worked on myself, worked on my self esteem, consistently work to make myself a better person and gain insight around my flaws and strengths and have done a decent job of convincing myself that I AM GOOD.
-I've been fairly successful at most of the things I've done and received a lot of positive reinforcement from these successes (enough to forget about most of my failures).

This last point is an interesting one.  I think that my 60% base has grown and taken a larger share, due to consistent reinforcement of my 40% external.  What I'm saying is, I don't think that one's base belief about themselves is fixed, and that the external environment/interactions/support/negativity/nourishment/berating/etc can grow/diminish this.

I see this a lot with the clients I work with also.  Where you can tell they were this bright and sunny child, but as a result of life circumstances, parenting flaws, loss/trauma, etc...the external now has a much more profound effect on their knowing of self, self confidence, self efficacy, self goodness.   We (clinically speaking) see these people as reactionary, or emotionally unstable, or emotionally dysregulated...but what I think is really the case is that their ratio is not working for them within the context of their lives.

Someone who is say 23% base and 70% external may do very well in a loving home and where they are praised and that 70% is fulfilled...that same person in a cold household, where needs and wants aren't met, may suffer greatly.

I would argue that in key times of development and growth this external piece needs to be nourished in order to foster a good base, but then as one is older it is our own responsibility and drive to help solidify this base with what we know is true about ourselves.

What ratio do you have? Has it always been that way?  Was there a time when you had more "base"?  What changed it for you?  What do you think could help build that back up?

Until next time,

60%E / 40%?