right place, right time

Things are changing.

The season, my mood, different aspects of my life are coming together in serendipitous ways...and per usual with these things, it's a mix of luck, pushing through what feels like an absolute stale mate and trusting that the right things will happen at the right place and at the right time.

I haven't written in a while for several reasons.  I've been feeling intimidated by someone I know's hilarious blog that is all the rage, and feeling like "well I'm not THAT funny" but I guess I didn't start this blog to be funny, I started it to purge random thoughts and feelings as a kind of therapeutic practice.

Also, I've been feeling, well...good.

I had a couple months there where I was really down in the dumps.  I can now better understand the difference between feeling depressed and sad, clinically speaking, which will be helpful with working with clients.  I've had some crappy things happen in my life (as we all ultimately do), and I have felt profoundly sad about those things...but this was different.

Up until really a few weeks ago, I was just feeling like everything was a shade of gray. While I love gray (walls, clothes, salt/pepper hair on a guy)...it was not an ideal way to be looking at the world.

Since I'm a therapist I was able to identify what I was feeling, but EVEN as a therapist it was hard to move out of it.  I knew what I had to do, and even then the gray cloud was thick and hung low for several weeks.

What I did while I was feeling "depressed" or "off", was maintain as much strong self care as I could.  I kept up with my running, I kept up with therapy, I kept up with  my job, continued my job hunt, saw my friends, caught up on sleep...and held on for the ride through it by actually...letting go.

This is a key part, letting go.  I, a few times, said "I'm just throwing my hands up and giving up".  To be clear, I did not mean 'giving up' on life or that I was feeling like I didn't want to be alive, but I was giving up on fighting the bad mood and on trying so hard to push it away to make it better.  Instead I maintained the things I know that chemically, physically, mentally and emotionality would help me and just let it run its course.

For all of these experiences when we feel stuck, there comes a point where something gives.  The gridlock at some point eases up or at least moves in one direction.

For a while it just felt like nothing had changed.

Then things started to change...among the changes here are a few...
-the season shifted from summer to fall (and then back to summer and then back to fall)
-decided to go to school for some alternative medicine (which I grew up taking) that works well for physical ailments as well as mental/emotional ailments in tandem with psychotherapy
-Jewish New Year - day of fasting and cleansing which is the only day I really take the "religion" part of it seriously, because it's a good message to clear out the last year and start with a clean slate.
-had some random stomach issues (not the gross kind, just painful) - might have food sensitivities - seeing a health coach/nutritionist, starting taking vitamin D
-Steve Jobs died - Okay other than him changing the world I have no connection to the guy, but the 60 minutes episode last night about him was really interesting and I want to read the biography
-I went apple picking, and seasonal things started to peak my interest (read: I <3 Halloween)
-My half birthday came and went...I think 2* will be a stellar year for me
-I was on the local news - no joke.  I was ambushed by this reporter about something in my town that I didn't know about...interviewed me for 3 minutes and all that made it was a soundbite made me sound completely ditsy and was taken out of context.  But for my 3 seconds of fame I enjoyed laughing at myself a hell of a lot...
-A job I ended up not taking about 6 months ago, called me up to see if I was interested in working part time, which works well with what I'm already doing...so I don't have to look for another job for immediately and I'll finally have a more steady income.
-After a long while, someone has caught my eye...and no matter what happens (or doesn't happen, contrary to popular belief I'm not actually psychic)...it has still been very a welcomed and enjoyable change.  :)

And voila.  I feel pretty good...and for the last few weeks I've just been enjoying this "feeling like myself again" and haven't wanted to analyze it or synthesize it.  SO you haven't heard from me.

While nothing is monumental (yet), and nothing is definitively better or different (yet), there were changes and shifts.

Changes and shifts that couldn't have happened or wouldn't have impacted me if I wasn't living at home, if I wasn't doing online dating, if I wasn't Jewish, if I wasn't typing on a macbook, if I wasn't into the fall...but I am, I'm all of those things...and they're finally starting to work for me.

Like I said.  Right place, right time...and a combination of some effort and letting go, in order to make it through.

Thank the fahking Lord.

Until next time,
Smiley E