break up to make up? roller coaster relationship habits die hard

Many of my clients have similar areas that they have issues with.

Of course their diagnoses/symptoms/behaviors are all over the place from Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Bipolar, Adjustment, etc etc. which is often the primary goal of therapy to "help", however the other big themes are self esteem/self efficacy, lack of motivation/lack of self care and challenges with relationships.

Relationships are the biggest I think.

This is something that I think we can all identify with even if we are high functioning, aren't in counseling and don't carry a diagnosis.

The challenges I see most with my clients (since most of them are teens, but even with the adults) are surrounding family members, peers and intimate relationships.  Okay so that's really the majority of relationships we have, but you get the idea.

-Family challenges range from sibling rivalry, poor parenting, challenging children's behaviors, absent family members, abuse/neglect, family dynamic challenges, divorce, adoption...just to name a few.

-The challenges with peers range from bullying, fighting, cruelty between friends, friends who are experiencing something bad and my client is trying to support them, rumors, feeling left out, being picked on, being popular but hating themselves, feeling not well liked, not having friends, and the ever changing landscape that is their friends as they grow/change/mature.

-The challenges with intimate relationships...well this is a big category.  The issues range from not having relationships, to having many relationships, from falling in love to getting one's heart broken, cheating, lying, manipulating, abuse, marriage, pregnancy, raising children, fighting, vacations, financial struggles/issues, inequality in the relationship, and (my least favorite and often the most challenging because it includes many of the things in this list) the on and off again relationships.

**PLEASE NOTE:  I don't always focus on what is going badly with my clients, I like to take a Positive Psychology spin and also focus on what is going well...for the purposes of this post I'm going to focus on the negative aspects of relationships, though I do feel in my heart of hearts that my clients are capable of having healthy relationships (with some direction/guidance and an increase in self esteem) and that there are relationships that are healthy and enjoyable...this is not me saying "down with relationships" but sharing with you some trends I've seen.**

Literally I have clients that are 14 and some in their 40's who are in these very similar on/off relationships.  From one session to the next I don't know if they'll be together or not.  I have to be careful not to be bold and say "leave this guy" or "she's not good enough for you" because the next week they are back in love (also because I probably shouldn't be saying that anyway...even if I think it).

I have a couple clients that I've been working with since June (so let's say 10-15 sessions) who are still in this on/off pattern.  Some of them have children, some of them are pregnant, some of them are freshman in high school and haven't had other relationships to know better...and some of them, well I think they like the drama of it.  I also think that these are hard relationships to end since they are so used to this person in and out of their lives that they assume it will come back around again, even subconsciously.  These are often long and drawn out relationships so their partner has also been in their lives a long time, been with them through tough times, and consumed their lives/energy/thoughts for, well, frankly, too long.

It's also hard to end relationships even when you KNOW it's not good for you.  I can't tell you how many people have said "I know we're not good together, I know Soandso isn't who I'm going to end up with".  Yet you check back and they're still doing the same go around.

I think that there is something about relationships that are on/off that, to me, just drips with immaturity.  The push/pull and the roller coaster is something that makes sense for my freshman in high school clients, and not so much for my clients in their mid 40's. 

Don't you desire some consistency? Don't you have the need to be with someone you aren't always questioning if they'll be there for you the next day?  What does it mean for you to be alone and single? Why is that so scary to you?  Don't you know you DESERVE better?   Typically no, they don't know they deserve better, or they assume they wouldn't find it.

Often times I see people staying in relationships because they fear being alone, or fear that they wont find someone else. This is understandable, it can be scary. 

Sometimes we feel having something is better than nothing, even if that something is bad for us, or just isn't right for us.  I had someone recently say "I'm just not good at being alone", but I bet they would be.  I bet they'd take better care of themselves, I bet they'd ultimately be happier and in a better place to attract a healthier relationship to them.

I mean clearly relationships that are "consistent" aren't always good either...they can be consistently bad, but the relationships that everyone responds to "here we go again" or "you'll get back together, you always do" (and I know you all know someone, or yourself even, who are in these relationships) are of the worst around.

There is something so emotionally taxing about this up/down yes/no (thank you Katy Perry) that I think, each break up is the web getting more complicated and harder to pull away from.  Each time is an opportunity in someone's mind to say I'll show everyone they were wrong about this relationship, this time will be different, maybe they have changed, they promised things will be different.

Okay to be fair, I'm sure sometimes these relationships work out (with some good couples counseling, maybe a real solid break and working on themselves and coming back and working to change old habits) but in my personal life (friends/family) and in my clinical life I have not seen this pan out.

Facebook has been helpful in identifying these relationships for us.  You will see on your feed (just saw one today) where it goes from "in a relationship" to "single" to "in a relationship" to "engaged" to "single"...or some variation of this...in the matter of weeks/months.  You'll also see people comment on the relationship change "again?" "wait I thought things were going well" "don't worry, you guys will figure it out" or my favorite "finally, is this for good this time?". 

I don't think that the perfect relationship means you've never broken up, or that you haven't endured some challenge, or that something hasn't been done by one of the partners that was unforgivable when it happened but they've worked through it.  In fact if you look at strong and good relationships often there was some sort of conflict that they overcame together.  HOWEVER, if the basis of the relationship is built on conflict, or arguments leading to break ups and make ups then this is a long road...those patterns don't change themselves.

These are also the most annoying relationships for our friends and family.  Our friends and family can see that this situation is stuck on repeat and that it's really hard to get out of it.  People get frustrated when they give you advice every time, and you keep going back and doing the same thing.  These are the relationships where they cab end up being alienated by their friends and feel like this person they are in a relationship with is all they have...this further strengthens the web.

I don't think anyone goes into a relationship looking for this type of dynamic, I think that sometimes relationships start on track and then keep slipping off track.  Instead of keeping it around for the sake of it, I think we're all better served (as those in the relationship and as the supporters of those in the relationship) if we take a step back and say "what am I getting out of this?"  "are these patterns changing?"  "what can I do to change the patterns?" "am I willing to see if this time is different?"  etc etc.
I hope that you are in a happy, healthy, mutual, mature and loving relationship.

If you're in one of these roller coaster relationships, I hope that you take the opportunity to step back and take a look at it.  In 2 years do you still want to be fighting the same battles?  In 10 years do you want to be starting over? Or are you more apt to be successful in love if you start over now?  Starting over may be scary, because it's unknown, but when we pick something scarier because it's known...we already know the outcome, we aren't being true to self, and we're really just screwing ourselves in the long run.

If you aren't in a relationship, I hope you find someone who appreciates you for who you are, encourages you to be your potential, is a support to you, you are a support to them, and that you can argue in a healthy way (I swear, this is important).

We are remiss if we don't question something when it keeps shaking us as an attempt to get us to pay attention to it.  Einstein was a pretty smart guy, he may have failed math but he said that insanity is when we do the same thing over and over and expect different results...and man, I think he was onto something.

Until next time,
E

Type A- looking for true Type B+

Apparently I need to be less type A.  More like A-. 

I haven't talked about therapy in a while because fankly there hasn't been much reason to.  Mostly I've been working through all of the adjustments you know about in terms of working and living and moat recently, car shopping.

Now that the bulk of that is settled, or at least on the trajectory that they need to be, what is left?
Well, relationships. This keeps resurfacing.

We did some talking about what didn't work in my last relationship and what hasn't been working with the guys I've been dating since.

Overall the theme is mutuality.

Either a guy is interested and I'm not or I'm interested and he is either a) more hung up on his ex than I am on mine b) low and behold has the emotional maturity of the 15 year olds I work with or c) isn't interested in me.

I usually know pretty quickly when things aren't going to work on my end. I clearly see when things are deal breakers for me, and quickly lose interest.

However when my interest and intrigue is captivated, sometimes I hang on too long when there are signs that it may be a dead end (read: he thinks I'm a good time and that's all he's interested in).

I've talked before about my daddy issues and clearly the theme of being avandonded or disappointed is a recurring one, and possibly is why I've learned that I don't need a man.

I don't need anyone.

It's actually a sad sentiment. I thought for a long time that this was a strength. It has helped me to endure some hard times, helped me to get through losses and helped me to survive things beyond my control.

But what it has left me with is the air (and truth) that I don't need Another.

I'm not vulnerable enough to need. 

Ipso facto, I need to be more vulnerable.

This flies in the face of wanting to be self sufficient and able to get through anything and protect myself.
Of course I'm not meaning vulnerable like making poor decisions and leaving myself wide open to people I know are bad for me, but instead allowing someone else to see what I need and want versus how stellar and rock solid I am.

"What guy wouldn't want to be needed...even just a little?" My therapist asked.

I guess damsel in distress has proven to work, but I don't see myself even getting to the point where I need a guy to rescue me..but maybe I'd like a little rescuing from time to time. Being the rescuer all the time is exhausting.

We talked about types today. Clearly I'm type A. Dating someone type A is intruguing to me, and tend to be the people I have great chemistry with and butt heads with.  probably more realistically type B would do me some good. Balance is key. Maybe they can show me how to better relax and I can show them how to get shit done.

I told her that I get turned off when a guy doesnt have opinions and defaults to me.  "wow you are so interesting" makes me feel awkward when I hear it and indicates that they are themselves not so interesting.

I need a guy that is relaxed but has a strong personality and who I view as strong overall and that I respect.

The "nice guy" who fawns over my experiences without having some of his own, is not one I'm intrigued by.  The nice guy is typically someone I write off unless I know under the politeness is someone who isn't living to please me, but is instead living to be my equal...and most importantly wants me to be his equal.

"How can someone be equal when you are up here" she asked with her hand in the air, "seems like it would be hard to live up to your expectations. I wonder if it would be hard to be in a relationship with you?".

Ouch.  Fair.

We talked about this. She didn't mean hard to be in a relationship with in terms of not being a good girlfriend or being a good person, so much as hard for my boyfriend to live up to what I want and feel I deserve. This is true. Few people have yet to come close.

I'm not really willing to be anyone but myself.  If I'm too intense and intimidating then I can justify toning myself down to a type A-.  But really only if that type B is a true B and not more like type C.  Type C feels like a wrt blanket. Bleh.  To each their own but not my cup of tea with milk and honey.
You know what I mean?

Well all on all, tough session. I get her point. I don't disagree that I need to be a bit more vulnerable and let a guy know that he's needed and wanted, and to allow others to do for me...and most importantly to relax a bit...so I'll work on that.

As for the other piece to that puzzle, I'm keeping my eyes and heart open for when he comes into my life or shows himself to me.

Anyone know a true type B (B+ is even better...) who is a little more intriguing and strong willed than white bread and can handle an independent but generous and affectionate lady? Haha. Let me know.

Until next time,
E aka A-

Don't hate the player.

Okay, okay we all know how this one goes.  I don't actually consider myself the victim of the game, at this point.  I think really, if anything, I've have managed to play the game pretty well myself in dating, hanging out, talking, smooshing (wish I didn't love the Jersey Shore - don't judge), or whatever you call it these days.

It's not that there isn't enjoyment that comes from the game, or that I haven't enjoyed singledom for the last bit (okay, kind of a lot a bit) of time, but there does come a point where I have to say, "enough already, I'm over it".  Dating around, after a while, is like having another job. It's like house hunting except for the fact that this is also when the house can decide if it wants you to buy it.  This process is fun, like I said, but tiring, expensive (more so for the dude, typically) and can be quite disappointing.  

I've gone through phases of time where I'm definitely not looking for something more than a good time, some nice chats, and whatever will keep me entertained for the time being. My first year of being single (after a long relationship) I was kind of out to just survey the lands...however, lately there has been a shift in this. I'd say in the last 6 months I've been much more authentic, less driven by "man hunting" and significantly more choosy with who I focus my energy on.  

I was having a conversation recently, with I forget who (sorry), and we were talking about how the only thing in our lives we can't really have control over is finding that person we ultimately connect with.  I mean we can do all the right things like be the best person we are, get our hair cut in a cute style (ha), go out and be open to talking to new people, seeking new avenues to meet people, etc, but we can't force a connection.  We can't make ourselves meet someone.  It just happens.  In the mean time we do our best to make it fun and entertaining and as fulfilling as possible.

We can make a lot of other things happen for ourselves.  We can work very hard and excel in our fields, jobs, careers and education.  We can seek out new exciting things like adventure and travel.  We can improve health by getting to the gym, getting massages, drinking less and other good self-care practices.  We can do almost anything we set our minds to (thanks, American Dream!), except for create a person who is our "other", out of thin air.  This is what is the most frustrating for me, because I'm the type of person that makes things happen.  I am very good at knowing what I want, setting the goal and achieving it.  This is not the way to get a guy, trust me, this has bit me in the ass before.  

My friends, and likely your friends are in similar positions, are all over the spectrum in regards to their primary intimate relationship.  I have friends who are serial monogamists, serial daters, some have been in one relationship or have been in many, some have loved several people and others have been loved by several people that fell flat, others are engaged or married, and finally there are those as single as the sun with their potential planets/matches just out of their coronas' reach (brace yourself for a solar theme, starting, now.).  As of today...well, I'm one of those pretty happy suns that is starting to get bored.

I mean clearly for the most part we have this innate desire to pair up (in all senses of the word) and find that "other".  Even more clearly, when you add in the two genders (and adding in all the different orientations and variations), timing, compatibility, excitement, chemistry, etc - there is a lot entering into the equation to matching people up. 

At this point I say "I'm not worried, but I'm impatient."  I think this is really the truth.  I know I'll end up with a great guy, I'm just starting to get that figuratively antsy leg shake.  Although honestly, I'm not in a rush.  I still have a lot of things I'd like to do before settling down.  I've had relationships before, I know I'm capable of being a great girlfriend, but I'm also not willing to just be a girlfriend for the sake of it.  I'd rather be a happy little sun with a couple planets floating around, than a less than satisfied sun with one not so great planet going around and around. Bleh.

Now does this mean I'm endorsing the game? No, not exactly.  I think that honesty and being upfront with people is the best policy. I think that when a connection is there, it should be tested and see what footing that beginning would have, but when there is no footing (or when the footing is not lining up right) I think that it's best to let it go. 

This is hard to do though when your footing is different than the other's, and you're not aware of it.  I've been on both ends of the situation where one person is very interested and the other is unsure or, ultimately, not interested.  This can be uncomfortable/annoying/frustrating/sad/disappointing to both sides.  Really, a lot of us not quite at the age yet where we're "adult enough" to discuss it head on, be concrete about it and move on.   From what I see the twenty-somethings, and even the early-thirty-somethings, struggle with this (both guys and gals, mind you).  I've seen and experienced relationships come to a sudden end and even situations that seem to drag on.  In these cases the balance is of...until you find one that is level.  

I've been told that I'm "deservedly picky".  I guess I am picky but I want close to a perfect balance as I can get.  Why not want that?  Having not had your "typical" immediate family life growing up, or even now really, that is something I hope for, for my family later.  I hope that my primary relationship that I end up in is lifelong, as I'm sure most of us aren't ultimately looking for our "First" marriage, in order to have a second.  In this vein, I'm very thankful that my previous long term relationship was ended for me, as I can see now that it would have ended that way ultimately down the road.  Break ups are hard enough, I don't wish needing a divorce on anyone.

I've been rambling, so I'll bring this back to my long winded point:

I don't hate the player, and frankly, I have been known to enjoy the game.  I think what I've noticed is that my "happy sun game playing" days are starting to dwindle; as the people around me settle down and figure out that aspect of their lives out and as I start to get a bit older, I'm more open to finding one planet (as long as it's not a fake planet, like poor Pluto). 

Until next time,

E