Moving home gracefully and temporarily. (Part II)

I'm not sure I'm doing such a great job at this whole graceful thing.

For those of you who know me pretty well, I'm not a crier.  I can probably count how many times I've cried in the last 3 or so years on my hands, and they've typically been by all accounts cry-worthy events (break ups, loss of a loved one, loved ones diagnosis of cancer, etc).  I don't get overly emotional and cry very often (okay fine, sometimes in sappy movies).  My therapist thinks I need to cry more, and I think she's probably right.  I hold it in, keep composed and sometimes I need to let it all out.

And that brings us to this morning.

This morning I sat on my bathroom floor crying as I was sorting through bottles with 1/5th left of shampoo or body lotion left in them, feeling overwhelmed with what to do with them all...on top of the chaos that is my apartment in order to get it ready to move out tomorrow. (Note:  I ended up combining all the shampoos I liked regardless of the brand, to one super shampoo.  My hair will not know what to do with itself.)

I'm sad.  I'm sad to be leaving my amazing apartment with the amazing view of the city, its tall ceilings, crown molding and beautiful natural light; I'm sad to be leaving the city that I've lived in for 5 years and love so much;  I'm sad that while I have friends moving in to apartments to live alone for a year or so, or in with their boyfriends...that I'm moving home; I'm sad that when people say "It's what's best for you right now, it's a smart move for the time being to save up some money", that it's true.  I'm sad.

This week, and the last two weeks, I've just not really been myself.  I've been half moved between my apartment and my old-now-new bedroom, which means that it has been chaos in both places. I've slept like crap and woke up disoriented when I was at home, and at my apartment, forgetting where I slept that night (I've been alternating as I bring loads of stuff home), we had a friend tragically lose a parent which was so sad, and also brought up so much for me in terms of my parental situation...especially since I'm moving home and the last time I lived at home my step-dad lived there too.  So it's just been a loaded week.

Who wouldn't want to get therapy here? :)

I've also, in the midst of all of this, began to set up of my office for my new job (the work in progress is pictured right, I'll spare you from pictures of what my apartment looks like).  It's tidy, clean, kind of serene, I've gotten compliments on it from other therapists at the office, and I feel really proud of it.  Basically this is my criteria for places that are mine...it's been my oasis this last week, oddly enough. I'm very much looking forward to building the beginning of my career there.  I'm very thankful that the work aspect of my life is starting to take shape and feel grounded, while the rest of my life feels fragmented.

So after I stopped crying, I felt much better. I guess I needed a release, and since I wasn't getting laid on that bathroom floor, crying was how it manifested.

I decided to get my obligatory Venti. I felt a little weird ordering at Starbucks with my sunglasses on given that it's been pouring out, but I'm not one of those attractive criers...my eyes puff up and it looks like I've been stung by a bee and need an epi-pen.

Alas, halfway through my Venti I feel much more clear headed and determined to make this apartment, and all my stuff in it, my bitch.

I didn't want moving to be an emotional thing, I fought it. I've been talking about it rationally since it is smart for me to do right now, and will pay off (literally and figuratively) in the long run if I take some time to not pay rent.  But what I know about myself, and what I tell my clients, when you fight the emotional piece of things it gets bigger and bigger.

Bigger and bigger until you feel like you've lost your mind and are sitting on your bathroom floor crying to a bottle of Panteen ProV.  Oy.

Okay, so in all of this I've learned a few things.  Most importantly, a slow move by doing it piecemeal is counter to every fiber that makes up who I am.  I'm an Aries (freakily my horoscopes have been right on lately, anyone else?), I'm impulsive and quick in my decisions, I need things to be the way I need them (type A, order and control are desired), I function better when challenging things happen like ripping off a band aid: over and done.  Frankly, you're all probably sick of hearing about my packing and moving at this point, so we'll all be much better off come the end of this weekend.

This long fiasco that I thought would be helpful in terms of moving things bit by bit was a mistake.  Next time I'll hire (hot) movers, I'll do it all at once, and I'll be moving somewhere that I'm really excited to live, or maybe even own depending up on how long I can save rent money.

Okay, enough procrastinating.  I'm off pack the rest of my stuff for really real this time.

Until next time,
E