I'm a Mac, mutt.

I’m sad. I can’t find my glasses. I think I left them in an office at internship. I’m partially sad because it means that I’m starting to get a headache from looking at my computer for the last couple of hours writing a report. The other part of me is sad because I’m in a coffee shop, and without my rectangular, dark purple plastic framed glasses I don’t look like I belong here.

Okay that might be a bit dramatic, but I do feel like I look more the part when I wear my glasses when I do work in coffee shops.

Today I landed at a Starbucks on one of the main drags here in the city that is packed. This was anticipated, as it is par for the course on a partially sunny, but cold, Saturday.

When I walked in there were no seats available, but as you know if you’ve ever been to a coffee shop, the rotation in and out of chairs happens fairly quickly if you’re patient, and stealthy. It is a lesson in human behavior as you scan the room to see who is finishing their coffee, who is packing up some of their work materials, and who is chatting and will be there for hours. Sometimes you’re even psyched out by someone packing up but isn’t willing to leave just yet. “Are you leaving?”, “Um no.” Awkward.

So, I got in line to order my venti (which my mom would say “large” as she wont pander to their lexicon) coffee (iced because I was hot from walking the couple miles here, since it’s “nice out”, though now I’m freezing). I was up next and clearly still scanning the Bux and I spotted a man who was packing up his bag at the corner of a long old wooden table. In a moment I had to decide a) wait longer in line after, but have a seat, or b) get my coffee and hope another seat opens.

Well, I dashed for the seat, however it’s slightly disappointing as my back is facing the rest of the shop (not good feng shui) so it is not optimal for people watching. I’m at a group table though, so it’s at least not boring when I take a break from looking at my screen.

Anyway, so I got my coffee, while someone watched my stuff. While sitting here, several people have rotated in and out, and often the person sitting next to you will say “will you watch this?” as they either get another coffee, something to snack on or are finally using the bathroom after a half hour of doing the leg shake after a big coffee.

It’s interesting that in this community, it’s “safe” to do that. I mean I can’t think of may places I would leave a laptop, a phone, my bag, my jacket etc, and walk away from them. I am pretty hesitant to do that even here, but there is this feeling of safety in the community here. You just kind of assume that the people doing work in a Starbucks are well to do enough they don’t need your Mac with a crack in the apple on the front.

Speaking of Macs.

I was at another coffee shop this week doing some work, and it was a smaller independent shop. There was a point when I looked around, and I was one of LITERALLY 9 people with the same silver MacBooks open in front of them. Keep in mind there are only seats for probably 20 people, and the remaining people were reading. I’d surmise their silver Mac was sitting in their North Face backpack or FEED bag. I had my glasses that day, and I realized how much of a hipster I must have looked like in the context of this place…and how much I have bought into this “club” by having a Mac.

Now today, in a more mainstream shop, there are computers of all types, but still the majority is silver MacBooks. At my table alone only 1 (out of the 5 computers) is something else (What is an Asus?). I vacillate from being happy to be part of the seemingly in-crowd, to being kind of embarrassed that I’ve bought into the BS.

I mean don’t get me wrong, I love my Mac, and part of me still wants an iPhone even though I’m pretty sure my Droid Incredible is “better”, but why do I even like it? Well I can feed you the lines about how it’s sooo user friendly, fluid, it’s nice to work on, and pretty and bla bla bla. I mean yeah, I believe all of those things, but most of it is the cache, if we’re being frank.

Relevant Breaking News: Another silver Mac was just brought out onto the table by the guy next to (hi if you can read this, guy, nice satchel). The ratio now 1:5.

Now am I saying that I feel like people who don’t have Macs are different or less? No way, actually not at all if anything that seems to be more unique and a statement these days. However, what it does mean is that there is this sense of “community” between Mac users that is either something special or completely fabricated. Or both. Either way, it’s kind of silly.

Maybe for that reason alone I’ll stick to my guns about my Droid.

Don’t get me started on iPads. They may be fun and cool, but really? Like I need another thing that is touch screen, that can break, that is annoying to type on and is awkwardly sized that I look more pretentious using it than my MacBook.

Okay, sorry, I know saying anything anti-Apple, may get me blacklisted, but I said it. I think iPads are iStupid.

But, regardless - I’m a Mac, mutt. As is true with the rest of my life, I have a collage of traits and attributes that are from various and sometimes conflicting backgrounds and my technology patterns seem to not be the exception to this rule.

Okay, enough about my rant. Battery is dying, I have a headache, and this venti has officially gone through me.

Until next time,
E

A blog is worth a thousand views

I had a 7^th grade English teacher that said, “You never start a thank you note with ‘Thank you’.  Instead you write about what you are thankful for, and then you conclude with ‘thank you’.”  I think that there is value in that in order to value what you are thinking them for, versus being self serving - but I think when it’s genuine and spilling out of your heart, you can’t help but start there.

So first of all I want to say thank you to those of you who have read my posts thus far (at time of post 1028 views).  Maybe there are 10 of you that have read my blog 100 times, or maybe 100 of you that have read 10 posts.  Either way, thank you.  You don’t have to read them but you’ve chosen to (even if it is out of sheer morbid curiosity of what someone writes when they have a blog). 

Part of me is kind of like, “Really E? Who has a blog these days?”, but interestingly enough I have several people in my life who have blogs that range in topic, use, purpose, etc.  I’ve recently had a conversation with someone who is also writing a very intelligent blog relating to something very specific to their area of study/likely future career.  While our style and topic set are different there was some knowing that we shared in that conversation.  We both knew what it was like to put ourselves on display, have some feelings of responsibility to keep the ride going and ultimately to perform well.

Depending upon if this is your first entry you’ve read or not, you probably will have noticed that my writing ranges from being vague and not personal to very personal.  I’ve put myself on display in a way and I guess it’s been some kind of experiment to see what happens when what runs around in my head is published into the infinite space that is the web. 

There is some freeing in typing something out and hitting “publish” and letting it sit out in the nothingness.  Sometimes I get concrete feedback and sometimes the only feedback I get is that 30-60 people read the post (blogger is nice and tracks views per post for you).  Either way, there is something validating about putting your “stuff” out there and sharing it.

There is some fear in it also.  My thoughts and feelings are out there.  You can see them in black and white, per se.  I mean obviously I’m not opening myself up enough to the world so that it is harmful for me, but it is still a vulnerable position to be in. 

You may notice, or you may not, that my voice is really in all that I write.  Whether or not I’m ranting about my horoscope or if I’m being really vulnerable and sharing something as close to home as a piece of myself, my voice is always in it.  Doing this, is something I value for myself, and based upon the feedback from my last post, I have said some things that have struck a chord in others. 

My last post, was probably as close to my core as I’m willing to go here, and I hope that the depth of what was going on was apparent but that I was also trying to maintain respect and confidence of those in my life, and even those who have passed away.  I don’t know how often I’ll get to that level, but the feedback I’ve gotten has been really moving.

I’ve received messages ranging from people who I went to middle school with and haven’t spoken to in ages thanking me for sharing, friends and family letting me know that I was being thought of and I even was told by a handful of people that I made them cry at work (sorry!).   But other than an ego boost, what this shows me is really that, even here on this blog, people are seeking to connect.  Ultimately, I’m seeking to connect.

I’m an honest person; I’m fairly open in “real life”, and at the risk of you knowing maybe a little more than you may care to, there is some benefit to my sharing.  So in staying true to being honest, I feel like the bar has now been set pretty high.  I haven't posted in a week because I feel uneasy about posting something meaningless or less powerful than when I shared about something that is very close to my heart that is also currently challenging in my life.   Really I only shared it due to the timing in my life versus wanting to be open and share.  I’m not sure that the rawness that you read will be a frequent occurrence, and as a result there is part of me, the perfectionist part perhaps, that feels like if my posts don’t hit home the same way then they aren’t as valuable.

I guess what this blog is supposed to serve as is a livejournal (haha, remember those?) of the 2010’s era, and if that is the case then it doesn’t matter if this post does or doesn’t move you.  Much like in therapy the process and the relationship is often what is healing in itself versus the technique or what is actually said.  In the act of me continuing to write the connection between myself and whoever reads this can grow regardless of what window I'm opening and letting you see into

…and like someone recently said to me “well, you never know what someone will connect with” I guess they are right, those opportunities are endless and boundless.  While I’m pretty sure that people’s lives won’t be forever changed based upon a post about texting mishaps, I'll probably still keep writing about things like that - so bear with me!

Until next time (and thank you again),

E

Daddy Issues.

Or mommy issues.  I suppose in some respects we all have them.  We can't be unaffected by those that raised us, or didn't raise us in some cases.

While I can poke fun at some Freudian psychobabble, I do think that we all have residual affects of our relationship, or lack of relationship, with those that are our "parents".

In this respect my story is at the highest level no different than yours, no better, no worse, just another variation of the parent-child dynamic that we all have in some shape or form.

I'm going to do my best to not make this post too heavy, too revealing and therefore counter productive and leaving me feeling exposed, but I do feel it is important to get this out.  For me.  Feel free to stop reading here, the rest of this post is ultimately for my own cathartic purposes to send into the abyss to relieve some of the weight.

****

Four years ago tomorrow, I was getting off a plane that had flown through a snow storm, that landed in England.  One of my sisters picked me up and brought me straight to the hospital.  It wasn't clear how much time was left, or if it was too late.

We arrived at the hospital and I remember the hallways, the lights, the surprising quiet that filled the white space, and the sound of our feet walking closer and closer to my destination.

I walked in the room where an unrecognizable old man was laying, mouth open and eyes closed.  By the monitor I new he was still alive, by the tattoo on his arm, I knew he was my dad.

I had not seen him since I was about 8, when he left to move back to England.  He was a drinker and an angry man which combined was expressed as violence.  He not a good man to my mother and she finally said "enough".  He chose to go back to where he was from instead of staying and paying child support, which was probably for the better as he was not a well man, mentally.  So while it was safer for him to be in England, for an 8 year old to lose her father, you can imagine the pain, anger and confusion that would be experienced.

For his crazy ways and unsound mind - we lost touch, my mom and I moved, changed our phone number, etc.  While my older siblings who live in the UK had some contact with him for a time, he soon alienated himself from them as well.

About 14 years after he left, my grandparents got a phone call from a hospital in the UK, looking for me, his listed next of kin.  After my grandparents/mom got a hold of me, I was on the phone with the hospital finding out that my father, who was then 72 years old, was in the very final stages of bladder cancer, and that he was refusing pain medication.

This is funny for a few reasons, but really only if you knew him.  He was such a stubborn ass that he wanted to suffer, wanted to refuse help, and even with days left in him, was only convinced once my siblings (who I had to call and tell that our father was dying, yet they lived in the same city as he did) arrived at the hospital (about 36 hours before I was able to get there).

They told him I was coming.  They said that his eyes lit up and he knew that I was coming.  He then accepted the morphine and slipped under in a medication induced coma-like state.  I know he waited for me.

He died about 3 hours after I landed and held his hand. I told him I forgave him for the pain he caused us all and that I had turned out well.

The week of his passing was like out of a movie, with laughing, crying, drinking, and celebrating the crazy man he was with my siblings (they are technically half siblings, different mom, same dad, but in my heart they are full).  We gave him a muslim burial as that was his faith he adopted (not any of ours) and we honored him in ways he couldn't have done for himself.  The muslim community he was in was very welcoming and treated us like family.

As much as it was painful, and like losing him again, I honestly can say it was a beautiful experience that not only brought further closure, but brought a closeness with my siblings that I truly cherish.  There were so many events that occurred that week in England that I couldn't write them all for time and space reasons, but also feel like they are sacred.

So fast forward to 4 years later and I am thinking about him.  Thinking about what the implications of having a father like he was, and losing him, and then losing him again.

These emotions, thoughts, feelings etc - are heightened due to another anticipated loss.  Some of you may know this but last year my mom and I found out that my step-dad has terminal bone cancer.  My step-dad who I typically refer to as my dad when speaking about my family, was really the father who raised me from childhood until adulthood with my wonderful mother.  While they've had their challenges he was part of what made our family whole again, for most of my life.

The details of this I won't go into, because they're painful, and the situation is still on going, but he has pulled away from us in only what can be interpreted as attempting to protect us from seeing him suffer, which you can imagine is hard for us.  We know very little about how he is doing and very little about what that means in terms of timing.  He is currently past the "date" of the prognosis he was given, so I suppose this is all borrowed time.  Unfortunately, much like my biological father, when the goings get tough, well, these guys aren't so tough I suppose and they literally get going.

We don't have any update since Thanksgiving and the waiting is a constant weight on me, and my mother.  We are challenged to keep our lives moving forward without him, knowing that we'll lose him all over again with his final day.

Despite it all, I keep it together and live my life well and manage to function, have fun, plan for my future (which is sad in some senses), enjoy things in the moment and everything in between.

However, it is a day like tomorrow that reminds me that I've lost, and that I have more of that ahead.

Considering it all I'd say that I turned out okay, really more than okay.  I have managed to find great strength through these things, and have a wonderful support system of friends and family that I owe many thanks for.

We all have suffered losses, and as we grow they become more and more inevitable...this thing called the human condition is something that is challenging, but beautiful if we allow it to be.

Thanks for reading and allowing me to let go of some of the sadness by expressing some of this hardship.  Please keep my family, my step-dad and me in your thoughts, and I'll keep you and yours in mine.

Health and happiness to all.

Until next time,
E

Oh, I'll get to that later.

Since I already tipped my hat to Valentine's Day I'll skip doing a post where I could quote Bublé's "I just haven't met you yet" OR to cover my bases if I do in fact know "him" already - Salt 'n Peppa's "Do you really want me baby? Let me know...".


Instead I'll talk about something that is much more relevant in my life right now.

Procrastination.

I am a master at it.  I'm so good at it, I'm even productive when I'm procrastinating.  I will sometimes get things done that have no urgency (a blog post, perhaps) before I do things that need to get completed with a more definite timeline (such as homework, due this week).

On the flip side, depending upon what it is - it always depends* - I will only be able to do it when it's down the to wire.  Typically these are things like annoying assignments that are not interesting or studying for an exam.


I have great intentions to do things well before the point of cram sessions, or for instance, weeks past when my inspection sticker is no longer valid (was up in January - oops, this thaw might help me get her out of her snowbank, finally).  I am a list maker which helps me stay more on track than if I had no list, yet there are some things that never seem to make their way off the list like getting a new ink cartridge for my printer, or following up on a Honda recall (that's minor I think, but my poor car, I apparently neglect her).


I'm not sure why certain things get done and other's don't.  Sometimes the most stressful and challenging things I'll be inspired to get done first and rip it off like a band-aid (did you know that Band-Aid is the brand name, not the actual name of the adhesive bandage type?), and other times it's the easy, mindless things that I do a bunch of to feel accomplished.


There isn't really a rhyme or reason but in any event the spell of procrastination is at work.


I guess it comes down to that I'd much rather enjoy not doing something I have to, now, than dragging it out and working on it for ages and probably finishing it the same time I would if I did it under the wire.


Something better just always seems to come along.  My friend calls and coaxes me to grab a bite/drink, or see a movie or catch up about the goings on of the last week or so.  Something really good (i.e., Millionaire Matchmaker marathon, or Bear Grylls' Man vs. Wild <swoon>) comes on, and obviously my reading for class or writing for a case presentation suddenly can be done later.  You get the point.


The saying we've all heard is, "Procrastination is like masturbation; in the end you're just fucking yourself."  Well there is some truth to this, and I could go off on a tangent here...but for the sake of not knowing who my readers are exactly, I'll just ambiguously say sometimes it's better than the alternative...oh, and procrastinating too.


Ha.


Well with that, I'm off to maybe do some homework, maybe watch some TV and maybe not do either of these things.


I'll leave you with this my top 10 reasons I procrastinate:
10. I'd rather do something else.
9. I'd rather do anything else.
8.


The rest of the list? Oh, I'll get to that later.


Until next time,
E


*It depends: one of the most consistent answers to any clinical question asked of a professor/supervisor. Shout out to my fellow classmates who are procrastinating by reading this.

Music that makes your heart sing even when you don't know the words

I wrote this post last night, but didn't get a chance to post it until this morning.  So forgive me for the late night writing and what that brings (though I clearly don't edit my posts very much, ever).

******
So I just got home from a concert in town, and it was fantastic.  The genre was reggae/rap, but that description really doesn't do it justice.  For any nay-sayers OR people interested in good music, please check all these guys out out (here are a few of my pics from the show):

 Fear Nuttin Band

Mambo Sauce (the girl will be
uber famous one day, quote me

and 1000% check out SOJA

Anyway, I had some epiphanies and I'm pretty sure it had nothing to do with the PBR tall-boys they were serving.

Music is a godsend.  I mean really there are very few things, if anything that can bring people together in such a bountifully joyous way.

There are aspects of religion that come close for some, but due to how charged that can be, I'd say music is even more pure, in a sense.  I mean we're not talking the Britney's or Katy Perry's of the industry or something (while I do enjoy that on occasion, don't judge), but what I'm saying is soulful music, music that moves you, music that makes your heart sing even when you don't know the words.

It was that kind of night.  I felt like everything was crystalized around me, and no I don't mean because of the contact high that I may or may not have gotten.  Really the type of music and the crowd's enthusiasm was inspiring and I felt plugged in.

As much as the being at the show was fantastic, I was aware that I am inching towards concert-going extinction.  Not that I'll ever stop going to concerts, but that I'm closer to being the creepy woman in the back of the show who knows all the words.  Not to mention that almost all the people at the show looked as if they were 18, maybe 20 at best, but were all wearing the orange wrist "I can drink" band that I was.  Even though I work with 18-22 year olds, I still have a hard time figuring out people's ages.  They just all look so young, even at 22.

Speaking of the people I work with, I saw a client.  It's interesting to see them in the wild, as I'm sure it is for them to see me (their therapist).  I say that really in an endearing way, because I think there is a lot to learn about how people are in their lives versus "on my couch".  I'm not sure if I was seen tonight, but I wasn't doing anything crazy that I'd be worried that they saw me. I did my best to not cross direct paths in order for it to not be awkward or so that I didn't have to hide the PBR I was drinking but I let myself not worry too much about it so I could enjoy the show. I have a life and I'm allowed to do things even if it means I see my clients from time to time.

Anyway.

While my ears are ringing, sounds are slightly dulled and my feet are aching from standing and dancing all night in my Street Walker Black Boots; I feel good.  Bob Marley said it best, "One good thing about music, when it hits you feel no pain".

Live music is always rejuvenating and enjoyable essentially no matter what it is.  For this frequent flier of concerts, it has actually been a while since I got a good dose.  I think my soul needed it.

What shows have you seen recently that moved you?

Until next time,
E

Valentine's Day is for lovers, and haters

You may have noticed the uptick in advertising for chocolates, flowers, diamonds and the new KY.  You may have noticed your friends who have significant others planning out their special plans, or anticipating the plans they hope to be surprised by.  
So it's that time of year again when it's great to be single.

Oh no, wait, I mean it's Valentine’s Day season.  Sorry, I obviously lost focus for a second.

There are about 360 days a year when your marital status is something you may ruminate about, but others don't tend to notice (excluding of course birthdays, Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa whatever, New Year’s Eve, maybe 4th of July and clearly, Valentine’s Day).  On these special days, however there tends to be the pink elephant in the room of that you don't have someone "special" to celebrate with. 

Some of us single folks feel we need to defend ourselves:
-"Oh is V-day this week? Hmm I forgot."
-"Valentine’s Day is stupid."
-"Who cares, it's just another day."
-"Even when I was in a relationship I didn't care about V-day.”

All lies.

But really, people in relationships don't care about you not having a bf/gf, and other single people are in the same boat so there is no need to be defensive.  And really this isn't so bad.  You may have noticed your single friends are thankful that Valentine’s Day is on a Monday.  That way we (I mean, they) can pretend it's not even happening.  But why don't we instead embrace that this Hallmark-created holiday is going on, and use it as an opportunity to celebrate being single and spending the money on our own drinks versus on a gift for someone we care about. 

I had thought about making a survival guide (since I've survived a few) for all my single readers (I'm sure there are about 10 of you at least), but I thought instead I'd celebrate the fact that right now there are many things our lives going well, and a relationship does not define our success and happiness.

So let's pretend we're doing that, the celebration, and assume that it's the case. :)

Okay still not convinced? Well, I'll leave you with this:

I wish you all a very happy Valentine’s Day Weekend full of love, (safe) sexual expression and laughter.  And for those of you actually in a relationship, well, I hope those for you too, and for you not to fight this weekend.

Kisses and hugs to you all.

Until next time,
E

Need a laugh? :)  V Day Some E Cards

Penny for my thoughts

I'm not a fan of change.  You know, the kind that jingles in your pocket.  

It weighs more than it's worth unless of course you're a homeless person, staving off a meter maid or need to use a laundry machine.  Then it's fundamental.

I was going to do laundry tonight, but my quarter jar, is on empty.  I have 6 quarters left which is just enough to get one small load wet/washed and then draped around my apartment to dry (or freeze since it feels like -47 degrees right now). So I opted to wait until I can get more quarters. I have enough clean underwear to last me another week if I needed (c'mon you know that's how you gauge it's laundry time, too).

I'm not sure how I managed to get low on quarters - I rarely pay with change, and always seem to be aquiring more.  

The worst is when I don't have enough for "exact change" and then have to throw in another dollar and get more change back, for my morning coffee.  Too early, too not caffeinated for change.  So the thing I often find myself annoyed by for having not the correct amount or when I trade paper money for it, is exactly what I needed tonight.

I'm realizing that there are things in our lives that are frustrating and weight heavy on us, that we often rely on.  Quarters are just one of those things on that list.  

But seriously.  What is the penny all about at this point, anyway?  I think ultimately the only thing it does is make your hands smell like copper, end up in the corner of your bedroom or end up going through a Press a Penny machine that defaces it to make a souvenir token (ps. shouldn't that be illegal if we're taking the penny seriously?).

Until next time,

E

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My Super Bowl XLV Predictions

-Approximately 5 people outside of Wisconsin or Pennsylvania will be emotionally invested in who wins.

-I will watch regardless that my home team isn’t playing and will root for Green Bay.

-You will consume 4x your daily recommended intake of calories, and 2/3 of it will be alcohol.

-As a result, you may go to work late (or not at all) tomorrow for being hung over – I mean food poisoning.

-Budweiser will have 2 commercials that are good, the other 15 or so will be okay.

-Your boyfriend is excited for the Black Eyed Peas half time show to see if Fergi will have a wardrobe malfunction.  Your girlfriend will want to change the channel to watch the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet.

-The Puppy Bowl will have more excitement than the game.

-More people will talk about the commercials than how good of a game it was.

-If the Steelers win, there will be a lot more talk about Roethlisberger “redeeming” himself. 

-Winning a Super Bowl will not redeem Roethilsberger’s character.

-Green Bay will win.

-As of tomorrow, most people will have forgotten Green Bay won, but will remember the Pepsi ads.

-Half of this list will be correct, it's science.

When personality tests require a grain of salt...for your wounds! (ha)

For my "Career Counseling" class I had to take an assortment of personality and aptitude tests for a project, in which we do career counseling with one another (although in theory we know what career we're going into at this point).  What was interesting was how accurate they were on some things.  It is different to "know" aspects of yourself with some self reflection versus seeing it black and white: "You are this."

Some of you have probably heard of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator.  This is essentially a personality test in which you answer 93 questions, each with 2 options, and pick the one that "fits you best" (often it feels like both apply).  It's not really surprising, but I ended up with a combination that landed me in one of the extremes.  In a 4 x 4 chart I'm the 16th square. I have a strong personality? Huh, go figure.

Some of you who know me well, will agree with my description (I landed as an "Extroversion - Intuition - Thinking - Judging Type", see the end of this post for the definitions - judging does not directly mean judgmental):

Frank, decisive, assume leadership readily.  Quickly see illogical and inefficient procedures and policies, develop and implement comprehensive systems to solve organization problems.  Enjoy long-term planning and goal setting.  Usually well informed, well read, enjoy expanding know their knowledge and passing it on to others.  Forceful in presenting their ideas.

Hmm. Pretty much. Not completely how I'd like to see myself, or how I'd like to be seen (so I made it nicer font), but at this stage in my life it seems accurate.

This has sparked a couple of conversations with various people, from various areas, in my life.  I've been in a place lately where I'm seeking some feedback...

The tones of the MBTI were reiterated yesterday when I was having an in depth conversation with a classmate and when I asked for them to be honest about how I present myself in a particular class. They said essentially - that I sometimes I can get defensive when people offer feedback.

Fair.  Okay so if I wasn't already feeling anxious enough based upon inter-office BS, feeling new to the field and not sure of my competence, having challenges with some of my clients, having to refer out clients I enjoy working with for various reasons, etc...but I also have to look at the fact that I can't take criticism well. 

I asked the question, recently in another conversation, "Who would be okay with getting criticized?  If someone has self confidence, how could they take it and swallow?".  

I think what I've noticed is that there are some people I can take it from, use it, and learn from it.  Ultimately I grow a lot from the feedback that I digest and allow to be helpful.  However, when I interpret it as a dig, coming from a malicious place or coming from someone who I feel that doesn't have the authority to "know it better than I do", then I can be dismissive.  All true.  All not so great. I've probably learned this to be protective in a way.  I use what I value, and deflect what I don't.

I think what I've learned that what I do need to do, however, is start to open myself to all of it.  That way I have the potential to learn and grow even further, even if it is at the risk of bruising my ego, or triggering some self doubt (okay, some MORE self doubt...we all got some to start with!).


Well I guess in a sense, even writing this here, I've taken this criticism (constructive) rather well.  It's been challenging in the last week or so, but really it's allowed me to move into a different space where I'm trying to be more aware of these things and learn from others and how they see me.  Even by writing this blog I'm opening myself to judgement, criticism, etc.  So in a way this process has begun...

Do you take criticism well?  How do you do that without internalizing negative thoughts of yourself?

Read below...what combo do you think you would be if you took the test?

Until next time,

E

*****The "Types" are where you fall "more" to one between each option******

1) Extroversion: People who prefer Extraversion tend to focus on the outer world of people and things

OR

Introversion: People who prefer Introversion tend to focus on the inner world of ideas and impressions.

2) Sensing: People who prefer Sensing tend to focus on the present and on concrete information gained from their senses

OR

Intuition: People who prefer Intuition tend to focus on the future with a view toward patterns and possibilities

3)Thinking: People who prefer Thinking tend to base their decision primarily on logic and on objective analyses of cause and effect

OR

Feeling: People who prefer Feeling tend to base their decisions primarily on values and on subjective evaluation of person-centered concerns

4) Judging: People who prefer Judging tend to like a planned and organized approach to life and prefer to have things settled

OR 

Perceiving: People who prefer Perceiving Tend to like a flexible and spontaneous approach to life and like to keep options open 

Excuse me...

I feel like I get asked things on the street by strangers very frequently...more than the average person.  I guess I have nothing to compare it to because I don't know how often you're stopped on the street, but either way, it feels like a lot.  

Maybe I look really unassuming, or as if I know where I'm going, maybe it's because they see I'm in a rush and know that I need to be slowed down a bit for my own sanity...and for whatever reason today was no exception.  

Typically I get asked for the time, directions, "do you know where XYZ is?" etc, like it was today (twice).  Sometimes it is really random things, or people make a comment about something you both witness.  Recently I was waiting for the train and someone walked by who was dressed, how do you say, like a person who doesn't own a mirror and shops at a costume store?  The guy standing next to me looked at me and said "Ooof, what happened there?".  I laughed and I was glad that my own attire lead him to believe that I'd agree with him.

Many times it's not so much by chance, but you're hunted by those sweet but tortured souls asking for signatures and/or money for causes...

Admittedly they are tricky and have managed to seep into my chest and pull at my heart strings from time to time.

"Excuse me, do you care about starving children?" Um, yeah, obviously.

"Excuse me, do you want the earth to keep being polluted?" No, I'm pro-Earth.

"Excuse me, do you have time to hear about this aweful thing that is going on even though your life is stressful and you listen to awful things all day long for your job?" Okay they don't really say that but essentially that is the message.

Right now my typical response is "I'm sorry...you have a hard job!".  That definitely doesn't answer their questions, and it only minimizes my guilt slightly, as I walk past them and into my coffee shop, book store or CVS. 

Okay well really, if I wasn't a student and had a decent paying job (c'mon May/June...no whammy, no whammy!) there are several causes, I'm sure, I would support without hesitance.  I'm just not sure what those are.

So while I'm not the most educated/cultured/worldly person out there, I'd say I'm educated, I'm a bit cultured and worldly enough that I'm slightly ashamed to say:  I'm not really sure what causes I'd really like to support. 

I do some stuff...I always vote locally, I've written to my local representatives about local issues that come up or issues in legislation that I think are important, I've helped my mom who does a lot for the environmental movement...and I'm sure there are other things, too.

I do secretly (not so secret anymore) wish I was a true NPR snob, I mean buff, because I feel like then I'd really know more about the world, and sound smarter.  But really, I enjoy it and listen in the car or on my Droid NPR app whenever I can (yes even through their annoying week long, now 4 day long, fund raisers).  And, who doesn't love, "Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me"?

Anyway, so I would probably support NPR.

So what are other things I find important?

-Health Care - Mental Health - facilities/access/local community support centers, etc

-Environmentally conscious and improving companies, building, technology, etc

-Education/children - but no idea what would be helpful at this point...I have a hard time thinking I want to give money to my undergraduate university or my graduate school, they've gotten enough from me...

-Internationally?  Well there are so many needs even here in the States, and really so many elsewhere I don't know where to start...Some organizations I know about (and importantly I've heard are trustworthy) are Heifer International www.heifer.org and OXFAM International www.oxfam.org. 

I got an email yesterday saying that today was the sign up for Alternative Spring Break which I got totally excited about, I had assumed registration was months ago.  I thought "perfect I can finally do something cool, to help people and go somewhere different!"  Well by 9am this morning all the slots were full.  The good news is there are a lot of people that want to help, the bad news is I'm not going on alternative spring break. I wonder if I should take that as a sign to go away and find a beach somewhere instead?  

I guess by posting this, I'm trying to put out my feelers to see what I want to be involved in, even if it's not monetarily.

What's your cause? I'd like to hear!

Until next time,

E

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Alarm Clocks Are The Devil Part I

I woke up at 8am today. It's a sunny Saturday morning and although I have a lot of work to do for class, I could have slept in.  My eyes flew open and I was awake.  I wondered why this couldn't happen on a Tuesday or Wednesday morning when it seems near impossible to get out of the comfort of my warm bed, when the pillow feels, just right.  I didn't get much more sleep last night than I typically do (I had a low key night and was in bed fairly early), but even on the nights I'm out pretty late, or drink, etc, I still wake up and feel more rested than during the week.

Don't get me wrong, there are mornings I force myself to sleep more on weekends, and there are mornings I sleep until 10 without moving from how I lay down the night before due to maybe one too many beers.  However, overall I wake up early on weekends whereas I could always use another hour  (aka 54 minutes, keep reading you'll understand) or two of sleep on week days.

I think a big component of this is that on weekends it's my time, and I don't have to sit in class and pay attention (or not), I don't have to sit across from a client and listen to their challenges and I don't have to deal with office bull shit and politics.  My weekends I can basically do whatever I want.  I have limited responsibilities in general considering my age, because I currently live off loans, pay monthly bills off loans (have to do this today, mental note don't forget, E!), I work and I go to school, I see my friends when I can, see my family when I can, and otherwise; it's all about me.

So the big areas of my life are objectively, and more importantly are subjectively, great.  Not without some significant and insignificant challenges, but great.

Why then is it so hard to get up in the morning? It's not that I'm not getting enough sleep, it's not that I don't have good days to look forward to, it's not that I'm not excited by the things in my life...so what is it?

Well, clinically, when someone has sleeping challenges (hard time falling asleep, staying asleep, sleeping "too much" or "too little") we tend to think possibly some anxiety and/or depression which might have a stroke of truth with me, but frankly I'm high functioning and don't have many of the key components to these disorders to be clinically unwell, per se...so I'm going to blame it on The Alarm Clock.

My alarm clock is an iHome which has my iPod in it, which hasn't been updated with music in at least a year, thanks to Pandora and the like.  I don't even have the alarm wake me with music because I feel like that might not wake me up.  I have very vivid dreams that I don't know that I'm sleeping. I think that maybe the jarring beeping is the only thing that can shake me out of my slumber sometimes.

But when that alarm goes off, I jump up and use my iHome remote to hit snooze.  Remote.  Yes.  My iHome is placed on the other side of my room so that I have to get up and turn it off, thus getting me out of bed...however, I default to hitting the remote snooze button.  The further problem is the battery on my remote is dying so I have wrestle the remote and press snooze really hard 4 or 5 times to make it snooze.  The BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP in the mean time is enough to make anyone's blood pressure shoot up, yet I somehow manage to sleep for another 9 minutes.

I have in my half-slumber calculated that I know that this gives me almost an hour of 9 minute intervals to snooze (54 minutes).  I have learned this the hard way.  I can not indefinitely "snooze", since the iHome says, "Well screw you, you're going to over sleep after hitting the snooze 6 times".  I guess at that point I deserve it.

I'm embarrassed to say (and probably to my roommate's chagrin - sorry!) most mornings I use the 54 minutes.  It's terrible, I'm not getting good sleep for that last near hour, and I purposefully set my alarm so that I get the "treat" of sleeping more after the alarm goes off.  There is something to the slow waking up process, it's like I know I want to be eased into the "bad news" that is the morning.

I think now that I'm writing this, that I want to change this bad habit.  There are many reasons to jump out of bed in the morning and start a fresh day, like ripping off a bandaid - that also pulls the small hairs from your arm off, the pain is short and then you're fine.

I'm putting it here so that I can hold my self accountable, but what I'm going to try and do, is set my alarm for the time I'm supposed to get up, and get up.  No snoozing.  That way I'm sleeping well until I have to be up, and the foot I jump in the air when the BEEP BEEP BEEP starts, is only once a morning.  I'm going to keep you posted.  I may have to concede and snooze once - you know like that "harm reduction approach" versus complete sobriety.  We'll see, as I'm already sounding slightly ambivalent to change.

Thankfully I still have tomorrow to wake up from the sunlight, and put off this experiment.  "I'll start on Monday", I hear that plan works for diets too...ha.

Until next time,
E

Street Walker Black Boots

You'd be surprised at how hard it is to find black boots.

I had a pair that suited me fine, rider style, a little big/bulky for my liking but comfortable and "good enough".  I had bought them at from good shoe company and thought that they'd last me a while.  Well, here I am a season later, and the zipper on the inside of the boot is defunked.  I tried to fix it, making it worse and totally unwearable.  The zipper on the other boot is also starting to pull apart, and really, I need to bring them to a cobbler (yes they still have those).

But really, I don't love the boots.  They are great for lots of walking, but they're not particularly cute, and I can't really dress them up for work, so they are fairly limiting.  I think I'll still fix them for next season, as they're good in the snow, but for now, I needed some black boots so that I can start wearing my black/gray tones and not be limited by my brown (but, very cute) boots.

Alas, yesterday my friend and I walked down the shopping street on a quest to find new black boots.  I had in mind a simple boot, flat, decent traction, can be dressed up/down, and I had kind of a picture in my mind of what that might look like.

The problem with black leather is that sometimes it can look cheap. I'm not sure why it can look cheaper than colored leather, but for some reason I have a hard time with black leather bags/boots/etc with feeling like sometimes they look cheap/trashy.

Tall boots, tall black boots, have a tendency to make me think "street walker".  Not so much on other people really, but I was feeling very sure that I wanted something understated and not overtly "sexy" so that they were appropriate for work, going out, and for the fact that I'm not 21 anymore.

Upon scouring the many styles that were available this late in the season I noticed a few things.  There were either ugly boots, boots with no zipper (who can do that?), boots with heels and really casual-distressed leather boots which I loved, but doesn't cut it for what I need.  Or were brown, gray, etc and not black at all...

I landed on a pair from Aldo (eh), which are comfortable.  I've been assured they don't look trashy and are dressy enough that I can wear them with dresses, and toned down enough for skinny jeans and leggings. My issue is that they are not flat.  They are wedge.  Not gross wedge, but probably 2.5 inches high.  I don't know if I'm turning into an old lady but I was struggling with this because the idea of a wedge seemed, well, trashy.  I was assured by the guy working at the shoe place that I didn't look like a street walker, and my friend also assured me that wedges were not inappropriate for me.

So I bought them.  They're good quality boots, with zippers on the outside so they won't snag on the other boot (like my other black ones), and they give me a little height, the wedge is more comfortable/sturdy than a stiletto (and surely less street walker like, right?).

I'll know I've made a mistake if someone asks "How much?" ...until then, they'll do.

Until next time,
E

How about this weather?

Yesterday morning I was walking to internship (it was heavily snowing) and I got half way to work, let's say about 7 minutes away from my apt, and I realized that I had forgotten the bag with my change of shoes*.   So I was wearing rain boots (bright pink and white) with my brown corduroys tucked in, which is really really attractive I assure you.



Obviously this look would not be acceptable at internship, and I had to turn around.  There was a brief moment of "OH MY F*CKING GOD I WISH I LIVED SOMEWHERE WARM" but after I got back to my apt, grabbed my bag and set out again, I had let go of some of the frustration. Other than now running late I tried to not focus on how much it sucked and was stressing me out.  I was sweating at this point; the hot/cold thing at the same time can be brutal.



I took my gloves off, took my hood off, put the hood back on, opened my jacked, zipped up, and tried to use an umbrella to block me from wind gusts.  The other thing the umbrella blocked me from, was seeing.  Two separate times I almost got hit by plows/sidewalk CAT-whatever-they-are-calleds.  I mean forgive me for walking on a sidewalk, trying to not slip, while shielding myself from the wipping winds of snow flakes...I didn't realize plows had the right of way.

Plows have the right of way.

Anyway, I survived my run ins with the plows/sidewalk clearers, made it to internship only about 15 minutes and only sweated for about 15 minutes after I got there.  Not bad.

To say the least, I can appreciate the sentiment that the snow is annoying, and that life would be easier without it.  But what about the most exciting days of the year as a kid? Snow days were literally like the big O, or a gift from God, if I've ever experienced one.  Surprise! You can go out and play in the snow, and you don't have to take that calculus text yet, or pass in that French paper that you should probably review un autre time...or even hell,  just go back to sleep under the coziness of your down comforter.



Okay so true, as adults we're paying for the joy we used to get, in a sense. But I'm not sure I would trade it.  I still like to play in the snow and I don't yet have to shovel my way out of my front door (sorry for those of you who do, however getting my car out of a spot? Whole other story-another blog post, another time).  I'm determined to sled this winter, maybe even ski if I can muster the courage to get back into it after a couple seasons off (and scrounge up some money...ugh).   Anyone have snow shoes?



***

When there is nothing else to say, conversations tend to turn to the weather.  Right now, for the people in New England, the constant pummeling of snow has been a hot topic in all parts of my life (internship, school, friends, facebook, etc).  I try not to be cliché and talk to my clients about the weather, but sometimes you just have to comment on it.  It's this strange phenomenon where we all have it in common and it's a space filler.  Frankly, sometimes the weather is ridiculous and we can't resist. 

Anyway, not to just fill space, but, we are expecting more snow in the next couple of days and the middle/end of next week.  Brace yourselves.  My suggestion is hot chocolate and Baileys (no they're not paying me to say this, yet), a down comforter and a snuggle buddy. 

Until next time,

E



*For the possible 3 guys who might read this, when there is inclement weather, we girls tend to bring a change of shoes with us and wear either commuter (ugly/comfy) shoes, rain boots, or the infamous Uggs. 

Don't hate the player.

Okay, okay we all know how this one goes.  I don't actually consider myself the victim of the game, at this point.  I think really, if anything, I've have managed to play the game pretty well myself in dating, hanging out, talking, smooshing (wish I didn't love the Jersey Shore - don't judge), or whatever you call it these days.

It's not that there isn't enjoyment that comes from the game, or that I haven't enjoyed singledom for the last bit (okay, kind of a lot a bit) of time, but there does come a point where I have to say, "enough already, I'm over it".  Dating around, after a while, is like having another job. It's like house hunting except for the fact that this is also when the house can decide if it wants you to buy it.  This process is fun, like I said, but tiring, expensive (more so for the dude, typically) and can be quite disappointing.  

I've gone through phases of time where I'm definitely not looking for something more than a good time, some nice chats, and whatever will keep me entertained for the time being. My first year of being single (after a long relationship) I was kind of out to just survey the lands...however, lately there has been a shift in this. I'd say in the last 6 months I've been much more authentic, less driven by "man hunting" and significantly more choosy with who I focus my energy on.  

I was having a conversation recently, with I forget who (sorry), and we were talking about how the only thing in our lives we can't really have control over is finding that person we ultimately connect with.  I mean we can do all the right things like be the best person we are, get our hair cut in a cute style (ha), go out and be open to talking to new people, seeking new avenues to meet people, etc, but we can't force a connection.  We can't make ourselves meet someone.  It just happens.  In the mean time we do our best to make it fun and entertaining and as fulfilling as possible.

We can make a lot of other things happen for ourselves.  We can work very hard and excel in our fields, jobs, careers and education.  We can seek out new exciting things like adventure and travel.  We can improve health by getting to the gym, getting massages, drinking less and other good self-care practices.  We can do almost anything we set our minds to (thanks, American Dream!), except for create a person who is our "other", out of thin air.  This is what is the most frustrating for me, because I'm the type of person that makes things happen.  I am very good at knowing what I want, setting the goal and achieving it.  This is not the way to get a guy, trust me, this has bit me in the ass before.  

My friends, and likely your friends are in similar positions, are all over the spectrum in regards to their primary intimate relationship.  I have friends who are serial monogamists, serial daters, some have been in one relationship or have been in many, some have loved several people and others have been loved by several people that fell flat, others are engaged or married, and finally there are those as single as the sun with their potential planets/matches just out of their coronas' reach (brace yourself for a solar theme, starting, now.).  As of today...well, I'm one of those pretty happy suns that is starting to get bored.

I mean clearly for the most part we have this innate desire to pair up (in all senses of the word) and find that "other".  Even more clearly, when you add in the two genders (and adding in all the different orientations and variations), timing, compatibility, excitement, chemistry, etc - there is a lot entering into the equation to matching people up. 

At this point I say "I'm not worried, but I'm impatient."  I think this is really the truth.  I know I'll end up with a great guy, I'm just starting to get that figuratively antsy leg shake.  Although honestly, I'm not in a rush.  I still have a lot of things I'd like to do before settling down.  I've had relationships before, I know I'm capable of being a great girlfriend, but I'm also not willing to just be a girlfriend for the sake of it.  I'd rather be a happy little sun with a couple planets floating around, than a less than satisfied sun with one not so great planet going around and around. Bleh.

Now does this mean I'm endorsing the game? No, not exactly.  I think that honesty and being upfront with people is the best policy. I think that when a connection is there, it should be tested and see what footing that beginning would have, but when there is no footing (or when the footing is not lining up right) I think that it's best to let it go. 

This is hard to do though when your footing is different than the other's, and you're not aware of it.  I've been on both ends of the situation where one person is very interested and the other is unsure or, ultimately, not interested.  This can be uncomfortable/annoying/frustrating/sad/disappointing to both sides.  Really, a lot of us not quite at the age yet where we're "adult enough" to discuss it head on, be concrete about it and move on.   From what I see the twenty-somethings, and even the early-thirty-somethings, struggle with this (both guys and gals, mind you).  I've seen and experienced relationships come to a sudden end and even situations that seem to drag on.  In these cases the balance is of...until you find one that is level.  

I've been told that I'm "deservedly picky".  I guess I am picky but I want close to a perfect balance as I can get.  Why not want that?  Having not had your "typical" immediate family life growing up, or even now really, that is something I hope for, for my family later.  I hope that my primary relationship that I end up in is lifelong, as I'm sure most of us aren't ultimately looking for our "First" marriage, in order to have a second.  In this vein, I'm very thankful that my previous long term relationship was ended for me, as I can see now that it would have ended that way ultimately down the road.  Break ups are hard enough, I don't wish needing a divorce on anyone.

I've been rambling, so I'll bring this back to my long winded point:

I don't hate the player, and frankly, I have been known to enjoy the game.  I think what I've noticed is that my "happy sun game playing" days are starting to dwindle; as the people around me settle down and figure out that aspect of their lives out and as I start to get a bit older, I'm more open to finding one planet (as long as it's not a fake planet, like poor Pluto). 

Until next time,

E

Horoscope, Schmoroscope.

I am an Aries.

I don’t really care what they come up with to say that I’m not…I’m sticking to it, until my horoscope app tells me differently, and ONLY if I can relate to what it spits at me every day under my new “sign”.  Until then I am an Aries.

You may have seen in the news, on Facebook, or in the stars, that there is a hubbub around the horoscopes “changing”.  There has been a finding of a 13^th horoscope between November 29^th and December 17 called Ophiuchus (serpent something or other).

What the deal is, might be or could be:

This Ophiuchus has been around for quite a while.  It’s not like stars are born every day. Okay I take that back, stars are born/die every day I’m sure, but in terms of what we see, it obviously has been in the making for a while.

The other thing is, a lot of astronomers are not in agreement with this finding.  So hold your panic for the time being.

There probably already was 13 horoscope signs, with one of them being removed somewhere along the lines, making only 12 “equally spaced” zodiac signs (like 12 months, perhaps?).  If you look at the actual dates for when these stars are aligned, they are actually not as equal as we think, and depend where in the world you are and how close/far to the equator you live (Check out the chart on Wiki below).  So in terms of your original original horoscope, we’ve already been wrong for a long time.

Jews actually have something similar to this phantom 13 slot.  There is a rotating 13^th month which pops in and out seemingly randomly (but it’s not) and accounts for the time loss that the Christian (the one we use typically) calendar with leap years, etc.  Who knows if there is a connection, but I’m a big fan of 13’s.  (http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/jsource/Judaism/calendar.html)

The stars move, the world’s orientation moves, so the view of the sky is different.  Really the only accurate telling of “what sign you are” and how MUCH you are that sign is more of an “exact science”.  I haven’t gotten my chart done before, but what I’ve been told is it takes into account your exact location of birth, exact time of birth and the view of the sky at that point.  Only from there can you really know where your true “identity” is in terms of the stars.

So in terms of how I feel about it:

It doesn’t really matter what your sign is.  I know, for someone who is so classically “their sign” this is galaxy shattering.

The point of horoscopes when you read them in the newspaper, in the back of a magazine, or on your iPhone (ps, congrats Verizon users, wait until June when it’s with LTE)…is to help guide you to making good decisions, give you some “insight” around what might cosmically be going on for you that you can’t quite make sense of and piss off your boyfriend who could care less about what your day looks like “In Love”.

I’ll task you with this.  Have someone “read you your horoscope”.  Tell them to read you one that may or may not be yours.  See if you can figure out if it’s yours or not.   I bet that realistically it’s hard to really know without the label across the top.  We are able to make a lot of things fit our context, even our “real” horoscopes fail us sometimes, I’ve had a few that are so far from what I’m experiencing, that I could have sworn it was a Pisces or even a Virgo.  Alas, it’s just a nice tool to help cope and is fun.

With all that being said, I’m an Aries.  My personality aligns very accurately with the headstrong, leader who is a great starter of things and then gets bored and finds a new challenge…These things will not change if I find out I’m “really” a Capricorn, or even a Gemini.  Who I am will not change, how I identify will not change, and ultimately how I live my life will not change.

Does this shake things up? Sure.  Are there other things we assume that are probably untrue? Absolutely.  Let it just be a lesson to take things in context, don’t live and die by any printed word, because the reality is, someone created it, who knows who/what tampered with it before it got to you, and the only thing we should be living and dying by is ourselves.  Which like I said, fundamentally doesn’t change with any new discovery, or old wisdom uncovered, of the cosmos.

And with that, I’ll tell you, I’m an Aries and I’m sticking to it.  How very classically stubbornly Aries of me…

Until next time,
E

Some sites to further your anxiety or your knowledge around horoscopes and how much they matter:

http://thestir.cafemom.com/in_the_news/115009/scientists_behind_new_zodiac_signs

http://www.latimes.com/news/science/la-sciw-astrological-signs-20110114,0,5854664.story

Zeus, I love Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zodiac#Early_history

"Scratch that, change of plans."

These are words I've thought, said and typed a lot, lately.  I'd say that the theme of 2011 so far has been, "Sorry E, your plan? It ain't it."

I'm realizing that I've really always been a planner.  I'm sure there is something in my upbringing and anticipatory childhood that I ultimately found comfort in things I could plan, accomplish and move forward from.  Planning also takes some of the mystery out of things (even if it's simply deceiving ones own self to thinking there is such a thing as control), because Gahd Forbid the mystery...the unknown is a scary vast space.

I also tend do very well with structure in my life, short and long term goals, lists to help me get there, and success.  I know that this all makes me sound very, well, Type A, and the reality is, that it's true.

I think as I've gotten older my fluidity has increased and my ability to go-with-the-flow has really significantly improved.  This has helped me in a lot of ways.  Who wants to be around someone who can't function when things don't go to plan?  On the other hand, I can't imagine not having at least a loose idea of where I'm heading.

I think it's interesting that the beginning of this year started with a Change of plan (with a capital C) type of vacation/trip that kicked off a year when I feel that I HAVE to do some planning.  I'm graduating in May from my program, I need to figure out what kind of job I want afterwards (therapy with college students? adolescents? do I want my PhD ultimately?), figure out what city/location I want to be in (Boston? Chicago? San Fran? DC? The UK?)...at least for the planner in me, it would be nice to have the next 1-2 years kind of "figured out".

I think what I'm realizing is that what I can do is preparation.  I can work on my CV and cover letter (which I did yesterday), do my research, apply, brainstorm, discuss with people etc...but I have to leave the planning on the back burner because that leaves me subject to things like disappointment, or worse, feeling like I have to stick to something for the sake of the plan.

What I'm noticing when I take even a grander step backwards is that the things in my life that have "fit" and fallen into place were completely haphazard.  Almost everything that is meaningful by way of changes in my life, have had a serendipitous way of forming and fitting to the puzzle pieces before it (and subsequently after it).  When I'm honest with myself, sometimes the things I plan for or plan on, never happen, or fall short of how I picture it in the first place. (The intention isn't to make me sound like a bad planner, I'm actually quite good, but this is the reality of life's impact on my plan.)

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I shouldn't plan. I'm not saying I shouldn't have high expectations.  I'm saying I need to continually be open to changes in the plan even if the reason or the outcome is just beyond the fog of the morning, and is unable to be seen from where I stand.

Even with very small examples such as my trip not working "right", changes in plans with friends, unexpected relationships, expectations falling flat, etc, I do see some significant positives once I'm enough removed from it to truly appreciate it.  Often times I look back and I'm able to say, "well that is where it went wrong" and in the same breath "but it was right that it did".  I need to remember this, even when I choose the slow lane at Trader Joes.

Moral of the story for me? Relax.  Go with the flow.  Things pan out.  Set yourself up for success and be prepared for what comes along with the road leading you there.  Plans, like rules and Don't Ask Don't Tell, are meant to be bent, broken and ultimately changed.

Until next time,
E

A week of palindromes

One of my genius cousins (they're all geniuses, if you ask me) posted in his status saying something to the effect of "how exciting, it's a week of palindromes!".  


1.10.11  1.11.11  1.12.11  1.13.11  1.14.11  
1.15.11  1.16.11  1.17.11  1.18.11  1.19.11


While I initially laughed at how nerdy I was for thinking that it was a cool observation, I actually thought it was interesting and worthy of making note here.


Obviously there are other times this happens in a year, such as December 3, 1921 (12.3.21 as one example) but as you can see they are somewhat limited and irregular due to the number of months, days of the month and years.  


What does this mean? Well nothing straightforward per se, but let's think about what a palindrome is:


Palindrome: (n) A word, phrase, number or other sequence of units that can be read the same way in either direction (the adjustment of punctuation and spaces between words is generally permitted).


Units, eh?  If we extrapolate this to, say, human interaction, it's very much like "Do unto others" (bear with me).


This is a bit far fetched, I admit, but "Do on to others" is kind of like seeking out the ultimate palindrome with the pivotal central character/number/element/unit being the action, space and even love between ourselves and "others".


Okay, so you might think "Get back to school and internship already, your brain has turned to mush" (but when you squint, it's amazing what you can make yourself see).  Either way it seems like a great opportunity to make sure that what we're chosing to do for work, how to live our lives, how we treat people, etc - is exactly how we would like it to be relected back to us, ultimately. 


Let's assume that for the next 8 days from now, there is something energetically special in the air, as it won't happen again, at least not until November.


Is your work fulfilling? How are you living your life? How do you treat others? Think about it.




All you could ever want to know about palindromes. Thank you, Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Palindrome


Until next time, emit txen litnU
E


ps. My favorite palindrome is "kayak", what's yours?