Moving home gracefully and temporarily. (Part III)

I haven't written in a while and I've noticed that my pace on this blog is slowing.  Summer is hard to be consistent about, well, anything that isn't drinking or getting some sun.

I've been pretty busy with those things as well as ramping up my therapy practice at work (trying, like I said, hard to get people to consistently do anything in the summer, never mind get therapy), I've been seeing friends, having a lot of family gatherings, etc.

But I feel bored.  I feel bored not because I'm not active, not because I'm not doing anything, but because I have this sinking feeling "this is it?".

Yesterday I tried to research some PhD programs that might be interesting compliments to my mental heath masters, and it's possible I'll want to go onto more education...but what this really indicates to me is that it only being 3 months after I've graduated that I'm already hungry for something else...hungry to fill a void or a bored space.

This is a void I would likely recognize in a client and discuss how these feelings of emptiness/boredom can't be filled by more power, more money, more stuff, more "doing"...that it has to come from within.

But I've realized I'm ready for something more.  I'm not sure what that more is within me, but I'm hoping I can figure it out, or just happen upon it...soon.

Bored + Impatience = Low Mood and  Frustration.

The last couple weeks I've vacillated from feeling a bit low and anxious about living at home and missing living in the city terribly...to having a great time at home (Part I, Part II) and being beyond thankful that I can even do this.

Every time I go into the city, which hasn't been as frequent as I'd hoped the last few weeks, I get this pang of sadness and longing to be able to walk out of my door, walk a few blocks to my friends' apartments, or hop on the train and be in a historical neighborhood in 20 minutes and eat in little family restaurants and people watch.  

But, while I'm at home, and on good days, I have a lot of fun and feel thankful...I've been making a concerted effort for it to be a fun summer by having a few pool parties or going camping or whatever.   

Last night it felt like a mini high school reunion at a local bar I frequent (my good friend bartends), it was great to see people I haven't in ages...I wasn't thrilled to have to admit that I'm back in our home town, but most of the response is understanding, or that they've done the same, or that "circumstances are circumstances"...and frankly if you're going to judge me on this, well, so be it.  I've gotten over that for the most part.  But the point is, it was an enjoyable night despite it being around the corner from where I live with my mom.

I don't know.  I've talked about really working on feeling content with what I have and maybe this is my opportunity to continue to bring myself back to center and focus on enjoying this time where I have less worries (rent), and be excited about when (who know's when) I'll be able to get back into city/independent life...

Sigh.

On top of my own BS, work has been challenging.  It's been hard to see things like kids getting bullied/harassed so much in school that they feel desperate and unsafe...or when a mom is clearly off her rocker and a poor kid doesn't know how to get through the day at home without being ridiculed.  It's rewarding work, but it's tough work.  I feel like so much gets taken out of me with this work I have to figure out how to really nourish myself so that I'm not depleted.

Typically this nourishment has been being social, but with working longer hours and living outside of the city, it looks like I need to find other avenues.

I've been more consistent with running in the last 2 weeks (still not much) which has been good, and my lovely mom bought be a bunch of yoga classes so I should be set to take yoga for the next couple of months.  I've really found this to be challenging but also wonderful.  I found a yoga studio that isn't pretentious but that is focused on moving meditation, focusing on the body, going at your own pace...it's great.  

I know I'm not in as much of a lurch as it feels in the fleeting moments of feeling unfulfilled.  I guess I just need to keep on doing what I'm doing and trust that I'm headed in the right direction with work, life, friends, whatever, and try and enjoy the ride as much as enjoy driving my new wheels.

Maybe the more I'm seeking is just shifting my perspective to accepting what is and relaxing my grip on what isn't.  Literally doing some letting go.  Maybe once I let go, I can actually grasp what is.  Did I just blow your mind?  Ha.

I'll try and write more also, since I think spilling onto this page tends to help me purge my negative feelings and I work through my frustrations and complaints fairly well here.  I've noticed that typically by the end of the post I'm feeling optimistic, so I should really keep it up.  Maybe it's some of the nourishment the last week or so I've been lacking.

Nag me for a new post when you haven't heard from me, will ya?

Until next time,

E

Love Your City, Ghettos and All

I hope this post comes off how I want it to.  This is not judgmental or critical of anyone in particular or any group in particular.  In fact I think I'm realizing that I'm not as culturally aware as I thought I was.  This is an opportunity and an area of growth for me that I'm happy I stumbled upon.

...just a few random thoughts (that are not groundbreaking I assure you) about driving, city and culture.

Yesterday I was driving through a part of the city that I wasn't used to (a few run down impoverished areas where a portion of the minorities in the city, live).   I could have sworn I was in a different city than I had lived in for the last 5 years.  

First of all, how did I not really know what these parts looked/felt like? I knew they existed obviously, as they show up in the news a lot and I know people who have lived in those areas..but I had apparently not made my way through the heart of it before.  I felt like I learned a lot just from driving through (and garnered some perspective on a few of my clients who are poor or disenfranchised...).

Because I was in an area that I haven't been before, and was trying not to get lost (what did we do without GPS?), I was hyperfocused on my surroundings and where I was going...as a result I noticed things that either are more apparent there or more likely just that I don't typically notice.

Evacuation Route:  Even if there is no catastrophe going on, there is some relief when you realize that you are driving the direction that the "Evacuation Route" sign is pointing...just in case.  Ever notice that you're like "oh well, good at least I'll get out if I need to"...? Not really? Well that is probably because you see one of those signs in each town, and no follow-up signs.  Where am I supposed to go after I pass this sign?  What happens to the people coming the other direction that don't know this is the way they should be going?

Reckless Driving: There are some people who don't know how to drive, or don't care that you do.  Don't you know that you are crazy if you are going fast than me, and you are annoying if you are going slower?   I had a guy in-front of me cut over all the traffic lanes in a way that oncoming traffic almost hit him while he took a left hand turn.  Reckless drivers come in all shapes, sizes, colors, races, backgrounds, and genders.  There are a lot of stereotypes out there but frankly, I've seen a lot of 30 year old white guys drive like ass holes, so they are not exempt from needing to brush up on some rules of the road.

Not Even Padiddle:  I'm not sure how, but people are not aware that their headlights are not on.  You can try and tell them by flashing your lights, beeping, waving your hands, but in the dark they think you're just being a jerk.  Really the only way they will realize it is if you drive up next to them at a red light and risk being misinterpreted when you yell at the person in the car to open their window.  One lady was thankful actually and turned them on, but she was one of three cars I saw in a 15 minute drive (at night) where people didn't have their lights on.

Stoop Social: Hanging out on the stoop is a cultural thing...a culture however, that I'm not a part of but feel like I might enjoy.  It would not be very fulfilling here in the burbs, but once I'm back in the city I want to sit on my stoop and see what I see.  I have a feeling it might be worth the people watching, if nothing else.

Minority Based on Context: In a place where being white is the minority, there are some feelings that come up.  Feeling like you don't belong, feeling like you have something to prove (like that you can hang), concern of being judged, concern of being in danger (though likely not realistic), feeling of being "other".  I have to say there was something exhilarating about it, I felt like there was something for me to learn.  Don't misunderstand, my hometown is fairly diverse it's not like I haven't seen people outside of my own culture, but I have always lived in more culturally "vanilla" (pardon the term) parts of the cities/towns I've resided in and haven't spent much time in the ghettos or subsidized areas.  Without sounding ignorant, I wonder if people who look different than the bulk of people around them, feel this way walking around other parts of the city? Is it ever just so common that it isn't recognizable anymore? My guess is not, my guess is that for some this feels challenging on a daily basis.

You're not Paranoid: If you think others are looking at you funny, you might be right.  "Who brought her here" I'm sure was thought or said on some stoops when I got out of my car at my friend's house.  Not that she lives in the ghetto, but the area is closer to those parts and therefore is more populated by non-white families in multifamily homes.  This was actually okay. I'm not a threat, and I clearly don't look like a threat, in fact I'm sure it was probably funny to some of the neighbors who were seeing me there.

Upgrade: I'm so ready to drive a nicer car, I'm getting increasingly frustrated with Ms. Vicki...

Love Your City, Ghettos and All:  Explore the areas you don't have reason to explore.  I regret not having seen more of the beautiful less popular, cultural, interesting, historical areas of the city.  You may find some interesting things and have a better sense of who calls your area home, too.  I thought I knew, but I didn't.

Alrighty folks, have a wonderful weekend...oh and, safe driving y'all.

Until next time,
E