Moving home gracefully and temporarily. (Part IV - FINAL)

Part III

Part II

Part I

...and now, the final chapter of this saga.

 

So, most of you know by now that I’m moving out of my mom’s house…tomorrow.

It’s been an interesting road and the last two months have been a whirlwind of changes that have kind of come in like a tidal wave.  

All of the changes are good changes, but change is stressful, none the less.

Tomorrow I’ll be moving into a really cute apartment with a girl I knew when I was younger, I’ll be a 3-4 minute walk from a little city center, shops, the train, ciders on a patio, some hustle and bustle…and I’m very excited.

I’m a bit sad to be leaving mom’s even though I’ve griped about it since the beginning, but I’ve bee really lucky to have the opportunity to live there, not stress about money (too much), and allow the right job/situation to come to fruition before taking the plunge.  

A lot of you know my mom, she’s no short of being an awesome mom, and it’s been really nice to have her as my roommate, but it’s time for me to go.  It’s time for me to do my own thing again, live in an apartment, pay rent, commute to work, and you know, be an adult.

I’ll be home a decent amount for family stuff and the pool this summer…and to see my old dog, and of course to see my mom.  I’ll be about 42 minutes away from her, so she’ll also have to get her butt into the city to see me, too!

It’s an interesting relationship we have.  Obviously she’s my mom and I’m her daughter, but these last 9 months have reminded me that we have kind of a special thing.  For a long time it was really just me and her riding through choppy waters of challenging times with much shared experiences that we reminisce about, laugh about, and cry about.  

Considering it’s really been the two of us, she serves as not only a mom, but a sister in some ways and absolutely a friend.  I know she’s sad I’m leaving, because it’s been fun to hang out, and have a glass of wine after work…and to be honest, I’m sad too.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m more than ready, but it’s a bit bitter sweet as I know that this time I’m moving out into a new phase/chapter and God-willing I’ll never need to live at home again…although I guess I said that when I moved out after college too.

But I know I always could, if I needed to.

It’s been a great and transformative 9 months.   

I’ve rekindled/strengthened old friendships with people at home and I’ve spent many enjoyable Wednesday nights throwing some back with old friends where our friend bartends.  It’s really been fun.  Also, since moving I’ve gotten new jobs, I’ve worked on the first post-masters year of my career, and a year closer to being independently licensed, I’ve met new people, I’ve seen my family a lot, and I met someone really special to me.

It really has all fallen into place.

Sure, there will be choppy waters from time to time, but really these last 9 months have been the comfortable and comforting transition I needed into this next phase of my life.  Maybe I’m a bit behind for someone turning 28 in a couple weeks; maybe I’m a bit ahead, who knows. 

As of right now I’m just where I am. 

And tomorrow I’ll be somewhere different. 

Literally.

Until next time,

E 

when it rains, it pours

So, I haven't written consistently in a while...for a few reasons, so I wanted to update you briefly (since I know you've been eagerly waiting by your computer for an update about what's going on).  I've been a bit preoccupied with the many changes going on in my life, which are all good reasons for the first time in what feels like ages. 

 

I've been feeling pretty damn lucky.

 

I noticed that stuff started to shift for me at the beginning of February (and likely before).  I had been interviewing for jobs, I was looking for apartments to move into, and I had been actively meeting new people.

 

Then one week pretty much all the major areas of my life took a turn towards the direction I was ultimately hoping for.  I can't predict the future, obviously, but they are all very welcome changes and at this very moment (this moment is all that really exists) they are all things I'm excited about and feel very right for me.

 

The first thing that came to fruition is work.

 

At the end of this month I'll be working full time in one of the clinics I've been working at part time for the last few months.  This is something I'm really excited about since the clinic is full of great people, I really like my clients and it will ultimately be a great growing/learning opportunity for me.  They are excited to have me on board, too which feels really nice.  My clinical mentor (was my supervisor when I was still in school at my first placement) is who pulled me on and I'm just really excited to be working with her again and for the long term.  It's about who you know...and about being kick ass, obviously.

 

So that got confirmed which is very exciting and I'm very much looking forward to having a consistent schedule Monday-Thursday.  They are long days but ultimately when I've transitioned out of my other clinic (I'll be there on Fridays for a little while) I'll have 3 day weekends! Can't beat that!

 

A few days after work stuff got settled/finalized I solidified my next living situation.  Yes, it's finally arrived.  The "living at home again" thing is coming to an end.  I'm sad on some levels to leave my hometown, it's been nice to be at home with my mom and the dog, and it's been great to not pay rent...so it's not 100% happy, but it's like 90% happy.  And I'm ready to be on my own and be a real adult again.

 

The finding an apartment is a "it's a small world" kind of story. 

 

I had asked around (on FB primarily) if anyone knew people who needed a roommate.  I got a few leads that were good but not quite right (not in the right location, too expensive, short term and I'd have to move again in September...etc). 

 

So I started to look on Craigslist, which I know people have mixed feelings about, but I actually met an awesome roommate in the past on it. Plus I assess people for my job so I tend to pick up on glaring red flags.  Anyway, I had looked at 3 or so apartments off Craigslist. One apartment was great but I wasn't feeling the roommate situation.  One roommate situation seemed great but the place was kind of a dump, etc etc. 

 

Then I saw a listing for what looked like a nice apt with the features I was looking for, in my price range and I emailed the person.  "Hey my name is E and I'm looking to move bla bla bla bla".  A little while later I got an email back saying "This is strange...is this E from such and such town?". 

 

It just so happened that the person emailing me back was someone I went to Hebrew school with when I was in elementary/middle school.  I met up with her (she's great, smart, hard working, fun, nice, etc), checked out the apartment (big, sunny, good location, laundry in the unit, big closets) and I was pretty pumped about it! 

 

So low and behold I'll be moving into an apartment with someone I knew as a kid, at the end of this month.  It's so funny to me that we reconnected through Craigslist.  Oh the wonders of the internet.  Don't even get me started on how my long lost sister found the rest of us siblings through Facebook...that's for another post.

 

So those two things alone have been a significant shift for me, and they are the main things that I've been waiting (not so patiently) to be put into place.

 

The third thing (they say things come in threes), I won't get much into here (yet, at least)...but I met a great guy that I'm having a lot of fun with.  Like I said, I'm not psychic, and it's early yet...but in tandem with all the other changes it feels like a great addition to my life with incredibly serendipitous timing.  I'm excited about him, and he's excited about me.  No matter what happens he's really shown me what it feels like to be appreciated, treated well, be with someone who is thoughtful and considerate and I think I "knew" that existed but I didn't really KNOW.  Maybe you can't truly know until you feel it.  Probably another post brewing on that one...anyway - I hope to continue to have good things to say about him and how he makes me feel. :)

 

So needless to say the last few weeks have been busy, full, exciting and full of changes.

 

The real transition will be at the end of March when the work stuff actually changes and I take the leap and move into my next apartment.  I'm sure it will have it's challenges and stresses. I'm sure that there will be hiccups here and there...

 

In the mean time, I'm working really hard to enjoy the moment right now, and take each day at a time. I don't want to wish away the next couple of weeks since there are exciting things waiting for me "then". I really want to practice being mindful, staying present, and enjoying the ride versus just wishing for the destination. 

 

SO.

 

For those of you who feel stuck, or bored, or ready for change, but feel like nothing is giving...

 

Keep at it, make the changes you do have control over, put yourself out there (online dating, craigslist for roommates, Facebook, join a club, do sports, make healthy decisions...whatever) and ultimately something will give.  Something will shift.

 

And sometimes what they say is true, when it rains, it pours.

 

I'm enjoying this monsoon I must say.

 

Until next time,

E

gluten for punishment

Those of you who have been around me when there is food around, grabbed dinner, tried to grab a beer, or anything that has to do with consumption in the last 4 months knows...I've become a glutard.

I believe that isn't PC but whatever.

I found out by doing the cleanse that I told you guys about, and when I re-introduced wheat/bread/pasta back into my diet I felt like crap.

I don't have Celiac, but I've become pretty sensitive to gluten (found in some grains, namely wheat).  I won't go into details about how it manifests in me, but let's just say it doesn't feel good and I feel much better without it in my diet.

Once in a while I'm faced with a situation where my two options are something with gluten in it, or not eat at all.  In those cases I eat the food and just spend the rest of the day regretting it.  No big deal.

And then there are sometimes where I just can't resist something delicious and I eat it when I shouldn't. Maybe I'm just a gluten for punishment, or maybe it's just hard to resist a fresh baked cookie, or deep fried piece of buffalo chicken.

gluten free "Against The Grain" crust from Whole Foods
sautéed spinach and tomato sauce
goat cheese chedar
turkey bacon

BUT I have felt so significantly better (and lost 15lbs without trying), and in 90% of the cases there is a gluten free option so it's pretty easy (many restaurants have this now) and I make food that is gluten free (like pizza I made yesterday...YUM).

Most people have been super understanding and accommodating...but I always feel bad when I can't eat something they have made, or we go somewhere and there is only one option without bread in it...and then I feel bad for making a fuss about what I need to/can't eat.

Some people have acted like it was a big travesty (one guy I went on a date with said his ex had Celiac and it was the worst thing ever to deal with (for him mind you...not for her)).  But really it's super easy for me since I don't have to be SO careful like those with celiacs really have to be.

Some people forget or don't understand it much, so they tend to ask a lot of questions, or offer me a beer (probably the thing I miss most) and then quickly retract it and apologize.

No worries...I'm not expecting you to worry about my dietary needs!

But a little info about gluten, sensitivity, and celiacs a la Wikipedia if you're interested:

Gluten

I'm just a little sensitive

Celiac

I don't think gluten-free is a "diet" that people should do just for the sake of weight loss or anything but it does seem like more and more people are sensitive or have a hard time digesting gluten.

I forget what I was reading (so don't quote me exactly), but it was something like wheat today has 200-300x MORE gluten in it then a couple generations ago.  This is due to genetically modifying food to be more hearty against pesticides or making more and more superfood versions of foods/crops.

I haven't seen it yet but this has to do with things talked about in Food Inc., or any politically charged-food related uproar that has started to take shape more and more (like mandating labels indicating when something is genetically engineered, etc).

Anyway, if you feel like you can't drop some lbs even though you work hard at working out and eating right, or if you feel like you never feel good after you eat, or you're low in energy, it's possible that you have a food sensitivity that isn't giving you rashes or something, but is affecting your overall health.

Happy eating, and thanks for offering me a hard cider or a gluten free beer next time!

Until next time,
E

the ghost of boyfriends past

So some of you have ex's that you run in the same social circles with still (don't know how you do that), some of you never see ex's again because they move far away, you move far away, or your lives don't intersect, and then some of you have likely experienced a run-in.

I guess I feel lucky I haven't had a full on run-in with my last ex, but last night was pretty damn close.

I fairly last minute decided to drive into the city after work (in the snow) to meet up for a late dinner with a couple of my close friends.  We met somewhere where I could park in a parking garage for not too much money and was close enough to where they lived that it made sense for all of us.

Note: Not his actual SUV.

Keeping in mind that right now I don't live in the city, "He" I think lives somewhere outside the city (though he was living further away when we dated, go figure).  So for us to be in/near the same place is typically unlikely just in general, never mind on a snowy Thursday.

I'm driving down the side street to where the parking garage is and I see "his" SUV.  I didn't think it was literally his SUV, but when I see his similar make/model/color it does kind of make me tense for a moment (as it's not a very common car like a black Civic or something, it stands out).  But typically its not the exact year/model or whatever or there is a woman driving it (haha).

So I walked out of the parking garage and in front of me is "his SUV" that I drove by, except for this time it literally was HIS.

It had our damn Alumni sticker I put on it when we were dating.

Needless to say I spent much of that evening looking over my shoulder and wondering if I'd run into him.

My friends were sweet and asked me if we should leave and go somewhere else.  But I didn't want him to dictate my night any more than it already had.  So we stayed put, though I had really wished I had made a better effort with my hair that morning.

I don't know what I'd even say at this point.  "Hi, how are you? How's your family?" and to his questions "I'm doing great, I have a new career I love" (but really a basically whole new life since we were together...).

Likely he was at one of the bars/restaurants next to the one I was at, because I didn't run into him.

I joked that I should text him.  But you'd be proud to know I didn't...and I never have.  I'm surprised I never drunk texted him, but I knew that it wouldn't be good for me to do that...ever really.

The Carrie Underwood song Before He Cheats came on at the bar (the irony was not lost on us) and I joked to my friends that I should do all those things to his SUV, or write a message in the snow on his windshield.  Obviously I wouldn't do that.  I don't harbor anger towards him, though sometimes I think it would be easier if I did.

I'd say I'm slightly (being kind to myself) hung up on that relationship, simply because it was my last serious relationship, and since then I've yet to find someone who fits the mold better.  I know I will, but it just hasn't happened yet.  Who knows maybe it will happen tonight.  Maybe it will happen next year.

But until then, I still feel a bit haunted by him.

So much was triggered by that.  It's bad enough when I have a dream about him, or THINK I see his car, or something reminds me of him...and then years since we've even spoken, for me to walk by his car and know he was near me, it was really a mind fuck.  I came home last night and was a bit upset.

I've realized more and more that it has nothing to do with him specifically.  I don't even know him anymore.  What is sad is that someone can be such a part of your life for YEARS and then just suddenly is a stranger.

But this is life.

It's good I didn't see him for a lot of reasons, but I have to say I was a bit disappointed, if I'm being honest.  

Adele vs. Bella.
My money is on Adele.

I wanted him to see how well I was doing, how I'm in better shape then back then, and I wanted to confirm to myself that it's good that I'm not still with him.

But I didn't get that chance.  I have to find closure in other ways, or to continue to "shoo" his ghost in my mind away, until there is no room for him in there because someone else has my fullest attention.  

I told my mother I had to "ice my face" (my eyes swell with like 4 tears).  She told me that would be a good blog title...so while it's not the title, I figured I'd share.

I can't be the only one who is haunted at times by the ghost of boyfriends past.  Take Adele and Bella.  I mean clearly there are different ways to cope with breaking up, or moving on...instead of it making me a weak little bird that can't fly (which it hasn't...get a grip Bella); it's giving me a lot of material that will help in my work and my writing, help me be a better girlfriend/have a better relationship in the future, and/or that it helps you in some way.

I hope that next time I can walk by his SUV, and not even notice it's there...and that I stop tearing up at every Adele song. Maybe someday I'll make millions because of my ex, like she does.

Bleh, anyway.  Time to really exorcise the ex-demon.  The power of MYSELF compels you!

Until next time,
E

I Know Famous People: Musician: Vanessa Kafka

I know famous people.

This is something I'll be able to say at some point...I just know it.

I've been wanting to write about my friends who will be super successful and "famous" as we age and become more like experts in our skills and whatnot...and this was a good time to start.

Vanessa Kafka

I know a lot of very talented and driven people in many different fields and interests...I think it will be pretty amazing to see people become hugely successful (or even famous) in their writing, design, clinical work, beer brewing, and music, just to name a few.

Speaking of music.

You all know I love me some good music...other than dating it's one of the more common things I write about here.

"I knew Vanessa Kafka, way back when, when she wasn't totally famous yet"...

I have a very dear friend of mine (if you know her, you love her, if you don't trust me you would) who is working on her next musical project.  Vanessa Kafka (check out her website, listen to her music from her last album) is a singer songwriter who hails from Connecticut who has a voice like a combination of Jesus and Fergie.  No I'm kidding, but thank you Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly (not my friends, yet) for the line.

In all honesty she is fabulous.  One time I was at her apartment and she was recording one of her songs for a friend of hers.  She was getting married and Vanessa couldn't make it, so she sang her favorite song and dedicated it to her.  Since I was there, Vanessa put me to work on the camera, and I no lie, had goosebumps the whole time.  It was beautiful.

Vanessa not only is beautiful, sounds beautiful, but she's also supah smaht.  Like, really.  She's finishing up her MBA at one of the country's best institutions and will be wildly successful in business I'm sure in addition to music (or somehow combining both).  

Sam Kornstein

Her band is made up of several very cool folks, some of which I don't have the pleasure of knowing yet, and one of which I've known for a very long time, Sam Kornstein.  Sam is also multifaceted...he also is finishing up his MBA (with V as I call her), and brews some beer...and takes amazing photos...and other stuff...check out all he writes about.

So I have no question that with the mix of the wit, smarts, talent, creativity, and beer, that they will go very far with these endeavors...especially the music.

Check out this clip on why I'm talking about Vanessa today!

So, they are currently fundraising for their next project and are asking people to make donations to help kickstart their album.  Their goal is $7,500 and every donation of $10 or more gets free access to the album and as the denominations grow, the prizes/goodies become better and better.

They need to reach the goal by March 13, 2012.  There are only 2 weeks left!

IF THEY DON'T REACH $7,500 IT WILL NOT BE PRODUCED.  This is all or nothing folks.  They are just around 50% there, and they need our help!

SO, since I rarely ask you to do anything, other than think about yourself introspectively, or to comment on things...I want to ask you to check out Vanessa, check out their mission, and donate on Kickstarter!

You'll be glad to say "I knew of Vanessa Kafka, before she was famous".

Thank you ahead of time.

Until next time,

E

8 possible barriers to being dateable

I read this quick article "8 Reasons Why You Aren't Married" posted by a relationship blogger lady that I follow from time to time, and it got my gears going.

I also, happened to read it after another string of unsuccessful first/second dates, how timely.

Shit.

Looks like I have a lot of things I need to work on, and here I was thinking I was pretty great.

Well I know I'm pretty great, but maybe that is part of the problem?

I have, 12 years to get this shit in order or I'll be another 40 year old without a hubby. 

Granted I’m not ready to be married now, and I’m not in a rush, per se…but hopefully it doesn’t take those 12 years.

Either way this points out some things that I, and maybe you, could wrestle with.  Jello wrestling with it might make it more fun.

Frankly, I'm not really willing to give all of these attributes up, or change who I am, but I do realize that some of these things makes me hard to please or hard to be in a relationship with…so they might be worth toning down or revaluating.

The article lays out the following 8 barriers (it's like they know me).

1. Sort of shallow
2. Sort of bitchy
3. Too independent
4. Too easy
5. Overly self-focused
6. Lack of honesty with self
7. Super hero busy
8. Not good enough

Let’s explore.

1. Sort of shallow:

I totally agree that you need to love a man for his character, I’d much rather be with someone who has a great character than is just pretty.  BUT.  With online dating being like window shopping, and a list of qualities (like the list that Connor Mead talked about), it’s really hard to get their character fully…but you can see their face…and their height.  PLUS I have to be attracted to the guy, just like I’d want him to be attracted to me. I mean I think sexual chemistry is an important part of a long term relationship. I don’t think the guy has to be objectively gorgeous but I want to find him attractive.  So this is a tough one.  However, if I meet a guy in the wild, and we get to know each other more naturally, I think I’m probably much less shallow than I am online.  I wonder how I can shift that.  I’ve noticed actually in the last week or so (I just re-joined Match.com, worst timing ever when I’m super busy and don’t have time for a date, but whatever), that I’ve been talking to guys who are not as “typical” to me in terms of their careers/jobs, location, background, whatever.  So maybe I’m loosening my grip on the “stats” already.

2.  Sort of bitchy:

Eek.  Define bitchy.  No, don’t. I know I can be bitchy.  “McMillan points out that you probably don’t think of yourself this way because you’ve been to therapy or you’re really smart. Either way, men prefer to marry women they can easily get along with and who tend to be nice. Your anger scares men away whether you admit it or not.” Does that include BEING a therapist AND really smart?  Hmm damn.  Well I know that I have a lifetime of anger, that I’ve been working on…and maybe it is really time to let go some of the anger, jealousy, frustration, whatever that sometimes creeps up.  Being more easy going and and easy to get along with in general would be good.  But “nice” doesn’t mean anything to me…friendly, warm, open, now that is better than “nice”.  I think I have those qualities but maybe they are overshadowed by my harshness/abruptness sometimes.  I don’t want to be fake, but point taken.

3. Too independent:

I’ve heard this one before.  Men need to feel needed.  I think it is very possible I come of not needing a man, because I don’t actually need one.  I like my independence a lot, but I do realize that I have filled up my time, and life space with work, friends, activities, and it will actually take some work to fit a guy into my life…See number 7.  Part of me also wants to find a guy who likes my independence, but when I think about it, do I want a guy who is so independent that it’s no different if I’m in his life or not?  For instance, even in my long term relationship, when we split up, the only thing I “lost” in the split was a couple beach towels/chairs in his car, I had a pair of his boxers at my place, I took down some pictures, deleted a few off Facebook, and that was it.  Maybe we were too independent and our lives weren’t intertwined enough for it to last, or feel worth working on.  So I wonder what I can do to work on my independence.  I’m not willing to be a damsel in distress, but opening my schedule up, asking for help when I need things versus muscling through and doing them myself, maybe there are other things? Guys/girls let me know your thoughts on this one.

4.  Too easy:

Ugh.  Just after I post about one night stands.  Although as I said there, it is not a good way to land a serious relationship (in most cases).  But the too easy thing.  How easy are we talking here?  No but I do agree with the writer on this one, and I feel like it aligns with both my posts about one night stands and friends with benefits.  Get your sugar but don’t expect great results.

5.  Overly self-focused:

You mean like having a blog about yourself?  Yikes.  Hmm maybe I should start posting about things other than myself.  What else can I do that isn’t self focused?  I spend my whole day focusing on my clients and their lives…but what about in my spare (HA) time?  Volunteering, maybe even getting “back” into painting…yah that would be for me, but I wouldn’t be in my head about me, I’d be being creative…or reading about others…maybe some good autobiographies.  Thoughts/suggestions on good reads?

6.  Lack of honesty - the key is with one's self. 

I'm very honest outwardly but maybe I need some help with looking at myself frankly...I’m not sure.  I know my quirks and flaws…and I know my areas of weakness fairly well.  I do really think it’s important to be honest about what you’re looking for when you first start dating someone.  There was this really cute guy online who was like “I’m not looking for a serious thing right now”, and for a day or two I entertained the idea…”maybe I can change his mind” is sometimes how we think…but ladies, we know we can’t.  So I didn’t even end up meeting him because I told him I was looking for something more serious and that I don’t plan on working hard to change someone’s mind.  Didn’t hear back from him…maybe I was too honest.  Anyway, NEXT.

 

7.  Super hero busy:

GUILTY.  My friends can attest to this...My work schedule is all over the place, and I have to schedule friends ahead of time just to see everyone here and there. I know that sounds like bragging, and I'm so thankful for my friends, but it's true, different friend circles require more time management skills.  I rarely have a night off socially, but then when I do I feel, well, lonely and bored.  So I tend to keep my nights packed full…I guess I need to be okay with more alone time, so there is room for going on dates, dating a guy even.

8.  Not good enough:

Maybe deep down this is true.  Maybe deep down because both my father figures left that I feel that I’m not good enough or worthy of a good relationship.  I don’t know if this is true, but it’s possible.  There is a part of me that feels “I deserve” a good healthy relationship because of “all I’ve been through” but that is maybe to compensate for my subconscious.  Hmm, food for thought.  I do know that I’m great in a lot of ways, and while (clearly) there are some things to look at, or work on, but I know I’m a good person, with a good head on my shoulders, and I am good enough for someone to fall in love with me (where it’s mutual).  

Or maybe I’m just too awesome.  Yah, maybe that’s it. :)

Haha.   

I’m sharing this with you in the hopes of unlocking something in me that shifts how I present myself enough that I’m more accessible to guys, but maintains who I am and my values of self and goals, etc.  Maybe something to think about for you if you’re single and wondering why.

The other thing is, it could also be timing.  I think not beating yourself up about these things is key because we are who we are, and someone should love us for who we are.  So maybe it’s working on being patient and not worrying about what timelines others are on, or what timeline we wish we were on.

Until next time,

E

The One Night Stand: A Valentine’s Story

Disclaimer:

Let me start out by saying, practicing safer sex is very, very important.  I say safer sex because the only safe sex is not having sex, at all.

If you are too afraid to talk about sex, too embarrassed to buy/get your own condoms, or can’t talk about sexual health/getting tested…then you probably aren’t mature enough to be having sex anyway.

So, let’s assume that for the sake of this post we’re all mature adults: we’re choosing to, or choosing not to, have sex and we’re in circumstances where this is being honored safely (either way), we’ve taken charge of our own sexual health (yearly appointments at the doctor – bleh, STI testing, understand risks/rewards of sexual encounters, etc.), we use protection every time we have sex (I’m talking condoms people, the BC pill ain’t enough for STI’s if you don’t get tested first)…and if you’re in a long term committed relationship where you’ve moved away from barrier type protection (like condoms) that you’re in a healthy and loving relationship, where infidelity truly isn’t a risk factor.

Okay, so now that we’ve established that…

Why is the topic of sex and enjoying sex so hush hush or avoided at the same time as it is plastered all around us?  The mixed messages get a bit jumbled up sometimes and make it hard for us to figure out what our sexuality should be, or can be…even for me (someone who has been a sexual being for a long time now).

As you know, I’m a woman and I’m single currently (and have been for a good while).  

In that time I’ve dating around a lot, met a lot of great or weird or nice but not-for-me guys.  Now, I didn’t sleep with all of those guys, I have been choosy, clearly…but here and there momma has to get a little sugar.

I think this is key, I think that when we’re on the search for that “someone special” we should probably not sleep with everyone that shows us a bit of interest…what is tough about this is if you are single for an extended period of time, and you miss the intimacy that you were accustomed to on a regular basis, or just the frequency that you would like.

I’m not going to sit here and type this out for the purpose of me sounding like I’m some sort of sex crazed woman, but the fact that I have to qualify this is just a further example of how taboo enjoying sex is for adult women to seek out.  

Well, enough of the taboo. 

I’m going to be careful with who I sleep with but sometimes I just want to get him done (who know Larry the Cable Guy was articulate…).

So this brings us to the topic of the One Night Stand. 

I haven’t had many mind you, and I’m not condoning this becoming a habit or something that becomes a frequent occurrence for men or women. 

I also don’t think a woman having sex makes her a slut, or any of those other words that are often thrown around, but I also think there are realities/risks (emotional/mental/physical) that we need to know and pay attention to if this is done too much. 

Moderation people…that goes for you too, guys.

Oh, the glory of a one night stand. 

So the classic one night stand is something that I think if you are a mentally healthy, physically healthy, and a responsible adult is, well, awesome.

Sometimes giving into a primal need (for a woman, I can only speak to this gender’s need, mind you) is very empowering and reminds us that sex is something we need, too.

You’ve heard stories from your friends about their sexcapades I’m sure, maybe you’ve had a few yourself (maybe a few too many), but I do think for a lot of us women who are in our mid-late twenties/early thirties and are still single, that this is a reality of part of the dating scene out there.

I won’t talk about all of my experiences here (there are some good stories, I gotta say, maybe that memoir will include them if I ever get around to it), for your sake and obviously for mine, but in honor of Valentine’s Day I figured I’d share this classic story.

It was 3 years ago yesterday, and I was fairly newly single after a long term relationship.

I was living in the city at that time, had just come back from being in Israel with a huge group of great people, and decided I was going to apply to graduate school and change my career. 

A lot to celebrate, really.

I was out with some of my friends from my Israel trip, at a bar that at the time I frequented.

I spent the first have of the night “doing laps” as I call them, where I slowly meander around the bar and scope out the scene.  I haven’t done this lately, but maybe I should reinvigorate this tactic.

There was a guy I spotted that I thought was cute.  I high fived this cute guy a few times (on my laps) and ended up talking to him for a while…but he ended up going home with his guy friends. 

He later (weeks/months later) popped up in my life through other connections (small, small world) and he’s managed to be a crush of mine for a while (which he knows), but sadly he’s too hung up on his on/off girl friend that I’ve stopped wasting my time on it.

Anyway, so the story continues.   

Guy #1 of the night left and I was kind of disappointed but managed to find some other people to talk to.  There was this big group of guys that was talking to my group of friends and they all introduced themselves.  They seemed cool and we were having a good time.  

One of their friends arrived late (Guy #2 of the night), and he ended up standing next to me after he said hi to all his friends.

Needless to say we hit it off.  He was cute, funny, and I was obviously cute and funny too.  So it worked.  We made out at the bar (which I hate to admit, I hate when people do that), and ended up going back to my place (which clearly I’m admitting to, also).  

I’ll skip all the sorted details (sorry, not the time and the place for those things…), but needless to say it was a fun, safe and enjoyable experience.  

The next morning (very early) I woke up and the following occurred.

There is a cute guy in my bed.  

He’s still sleeping. 

I suddenly know, that I DON’T know his name.  Not like thinking “Oh, I forgot it”, but I’m pretty sure we were never actually introduced…

It is typical that I wake up before the guy, and sometimes flee (although this was my apt, so I couldn’t, not that I wanted to with this guy), but this afforded me some time to brainstorm how I could get his name.  Which I failed.

I texted a couple friends (and I’m pretty sure my mom, too, probably much to her chagrin) and said “There is a cute guy in my bed, and I don’t know his name…Happy Valentine’s Day!”.   

I got a flurry of texts throughout that day of congratulations (haha) on what was really my first one night stand, and more importantly the first guy since my relationship that even interested me enough…and some laughs because I managed to not even know the guy’s name.

I thought it was hilarious, at the time…and even now.

One of the friend’s I texted (who was really into The Hills at the time), said “Oh! What if his name is something like Justin Bobby!?”  He was then, and since, referred to as Justin Bobby.

That morning when he woke up, he asked for my number.  I don’t know if he saw my college diploma on my wall and knew my name from that, or if he never actually knew my name…it’s hard to say.  

I felt good being single on that Valentine’s Day, I felt like I had earned it being a good day for me.

A couple day’s later I got a text from him “Hey this is (let’s call him “Tom” for the sake of this post) Tom from Friday night, how’s it going?”.  

“His name was TOM!” I yelled in the restaurant when he told me his name…my friend just laughed.

We texted briefly. 

And then that was it. 

Neither of us initiated any other contact, and that concluded the successful one night stand.

I felt accomplished in a way, like a right of passage.  I felt like a woman, I felt like a satisfied human being, and it allowed me to not fear sex with new people.  

I’m not sure if you’ve had the experience before, but I think after having been in a long relationship I was worried about sleeping with someone else.  Would it ever be good again? Would I ever feel comfortable enough to let go like that again?

Well, the answer is (and was)…yes.

Fast forward to about a month ago, and guess who I got a text from?

You guessed it.

Too funny.

I had tried to find him on Facebook a little while back but all I knew was his first name, that he lived in/around the city, and that I would have liked to have run into him again!  haha.  But no luck (Facebook stalking is hard without more info).

Some how we both still had each other’s numbers (his was in my phone as “TOM” from the bar we met at, once he told me his name), and whether or not he remembered me, my name, or anything, it was kind of nice to hear from him.  I at least wasn’t entered in “DELETE” or as “DO NOT ANSWER” (Mind you, I have about 7 of these in my phone).

We’ve texted here and there…neither initiating anything.  He may see this post actually…but hopefully he’ll laugh at the situation too, and smile at the memory (or the foggy memory, as I’m sure it is at this point for both of us).

So what is the lesson/takeaway here?

I think that sexuality is something that if we take charge of it, once in a while some unattached (or nameless, ha) sex can be fun, as long as we’re smart about it…

As I’ve said, always there are risks, and I don’t want to minimize those, but there is only so long a girl can go without some lovin’.  

I know I’m not alone on this one, I just might be one of the only ones willing to admit it.

If you’ll admit it, feel free to anonymously post your on night stand stories…if only to relive them for a moment, help other’s live vicariously through you for a moment, or to rid yourself of holding on to the story and not sharing it for fear of being judged.

Cheers and Happy Valentine’s Day today…be safe, be well, love and be loved.

Until next time,

<3 E