Moving home gracefully and temporarily. (Part III)

I haven't written in a while and I've noticed that my pace on this blog is slowing.  Summer is hard to be consistent about, well, anything that isn't drinking or getting some sun.

I've been pretty busy with those things as well as ramping up my therapy practice at work (trying, like I said, hard to get people to consistently do anything in the summer, never mind get therapy), I've been seeing friends, having a lot of family gatherings, etc.

But I feel bored.  I feel bored not because I'm not active, not because I'm not doing anything, but because I have this sinking feeling "this is it?".

Yesterday I tried to research some PhD programs that might be interesting compliments to my mental heath masters, and it's possible I'll want to go onto more education...but what this really indicates to me is that it only being 3 months after I've graduated that I'm already hungry for something else...hungry to fill a void or a bored space.

This is a void I would likely recognize in a client and discuss how these feelings of emptiness/boredom can't be filled by more power, more money, more stuff, more "doing"...that it has to come from within.

But I've realized I'm ready for something more.  I'm not sure what that more is within me, but I'm hoping I can figure it out, or just happen upon it...soon.

Bored + Impatience = Low Mood and  Frustration.

The last couple weeks I've vacillated from feeling a bit low and anxious about living at home and missing living in the city terribly...to having a great time at home (Part I, Part II) and being beyond thankful that I can even do this.

Every time I go into the city, which hasn't been as frequent as I'd hoped the last few weeks, I get this pang of sadness and longing to be able to walk out of my door, walk a few blocks to my friends' apartments, or hop on the train and be in a historical neighborhood in 20 minutes and eat in little family restaurants and people watch.  

But, while I'm at home, and on good days, I have a lot of fun and feel thankful...I've been making a concerted effort for it to be a fun summer by having a few pool parties or going camping or whatever.   

Last night it felt like a mini high school reunion at a local bar I frequent (my good friend bartends), it was great to see people I haven't in ages...I wasn't thrilled to have to admit that I'm back in our home town, but most of the response is understanding, or that they've done the same, or that "circumstances are circumstances"...and frankly if you're going to judge me on this, well, so be it.  I've gotten over that for the most part.  But the point is, it was an enjoyable night despite it being around the corner from where I live with my mom.

I don't know.  I've talked about really working on feeling content with what I have and maybe this is my opportunity to continue to bring myself back to center and focus on enjoying this time where I have less worries (rent), and be excited about when (who know's when) I'll be able to get back into city/independent life...

Sigh.

On top of my own BS, work has been challenging.  It's been hard to see things like kids getting bullied/harassed so much in school that they feel desperate and unsafe...or when a mom is clearly off her rocker and a poor kid doesn't know how to get through the day at home without being ridiculed.  It's rewarding work, but it's tough work.  I feel like so much gets taken out of me with this work I have to figure out how to really nourish myself so that I'm not depleted.

Typically this nourishment has been being social, but with working longer hours and living outside of the city, it looks like I need to find other avenues.

I've been more consistent with running in the last 2 weeks (still not much) which has been good, and my lovely mom bought be a bunch of yoga classes so I should be set to take yoga for the next couple of months.  I've really found this to be challenging but also wonderful.  I found a yoga studio that isn't pretentious but that is focused on moving meditation, focusing on the body, going at your own pace...it's great.  

I know I'm not in as much of a lurch as it feels in the fleeting moments of feeling unfulfilled.  I guess I just need to keep on doing what I'm doing and trust that I'm headed in the right direction with work, life, friends, whatever, and try and enjoy the ride as much as enjoy driving my new wheels.

Maybe the more I'm seeking is just shifting my perspective to accepting what is and relaxing my grip on what isn't.  Literally doing some letting go.  Maybe once I let go, I can actually grasp what is.  Did I just blow your mind?  Ha.

I'll try and write more also, since I think spilling onto this page tends to help me purge my negative feelings and I work through my frustrations and complaints fairly well here.  I've noticed that typically by the end of the post I'm feeling optimistic, so I should really keep it up.  Maybe it's some of the nourishment the last week or so I've been lacking.

Nag me for a new post when you haven't heard from me, will ya?

Until next time,

E