The One Night Stand: A Valentine’s Story

Disclaimer:

Let me start out by saying, practicing safer sex is very, very important.  I say safer sex because the only safe sex is not having sex, at all.

If you are too afraid to talk about sex, too embarrassed to buy/get your own condoms, or can’t talk about sexual health/getting tested…then you probably aren’t mature enough to be having sex anyway.

So, let’s assume that for the sake of this post we’re all mature adults: we’re choosing to, or choosing not to, have sex and we’re in circumstances where this is being honored safely (either way), we’ve taken charge of our own sexual health (yearly appointments at the doctor – bleh, STI testing, understand risks/rewards of sexual encounters, etc.), we use protection every time we have sex (I’m talking condoms people, the BC pill ain’t enough for STI’s if you don’t get tested first)…and if you’re in a long term committed relationship where you’ve moved away from barrier type protection (like condoms) that you’re in a healthy and loving relationship, where infidelity truly isn’t a risk factor.

Okay, so now that we’ve established that…

Why is the topic of sex and enjoying sex so hush hush or avoided at the same time as it is plastered all around us?  The mixed messages get a bit jumbled up sometimes and make it hard for us to figure out what our sexuality should be, or can be…even for me (someone who has been a sexual being for a long time now).

As you know, I’m a woman and I’m single currently (and have been for a good while).  

In that time I’ve dating around a lot, met a lot of great or weird or nice but not-for-me guys.  Now, I didn’t sleep with all of those guys, I have been choosy, clearly…but here and there momma has to get a little sugar.

I think this is key, I think that when we’re on the search for that “someone special” we should probably not sleep with everyone that shows us a bit of interest…what is tough about this is if you are single for an extended period of time, and you miss the intimacy that you were accustomed to on a regular basis, or just the frequency that you would like.

I’m not going to sit here and type this out for the purpose of me sounding like I’m some sort of sex crazed woman, but the fact that I have to qualify this is just a further example of how taboo enjoying sex is for adult women to seek out.  

Well, enough of the taboo. 

I’m going to be careful with who I sleep with but sometimes I just want to get him done (who know Larry the Cable Guy was articulate…).

So this brings us to the topic of the One Night Stand. 

I haven’t had many mind you, and I’m not condoning this becoming a habit or something that becomes a frequent occurrence for men or women. 

I also don’t think a woman having sex makes her a slut, or any of those other words that are often thrown around, but I also think there are realities/risks (emotional/mental/physical) that we need to know and pay attention to if this is done too much. 

Moderation people…that goes for you too, guys.

Oh, the glory of a one night stand. 

So the classic one night stand is something that I think if you are a mentally healthy, physically healthy, and a responsible adult is, well, awesome.

Sometimes giving into a primal need (for a woman, I can only speak to this gender’s need, mind you) is very empowering and reminds us that sex is something we need, too.

You’ve heard stories from your friends about their sexcapades I’m sure, maybe you’ve had a few yourself (maybe a few too many), but I do think for a lot of us women who are in our mid-late twenties/early thirties and are still single, that this is a reality of part of the dating scene out there.

I won’t talk about all of my experiences here (there are some good stories, I gotta say, maybe that memoir will include them if I ever get around to it), for your sake and obviously for mine, but in honor of Valentine’s Day I figured I’d share this classic story.

It was 3 years ago yesterday, and I was fairly newly single after a long term relationship.

I was living in the city at that time, had just come back from being in Israel with a huge group of great people, and decided I was going to apply to graduate school and change my career. 

A lot to celebrate, really.

I was out with some of my friends from my Israel trip, at a bar that at the time I frequented.

I spent the first have of the night “doing laps” as I call them, where I slowly meander around the bar and scope out the scene.  I haven’t done this lately, but maybe I should reinvigorate this tactic.

There was a guy I spotted that I thought was cute.  I high fived this cute guy a few times (on my laps) and ended up talking to him for a while…but he ended up going home with his guy friends. 

He later (weeks/months later) popped up in my life through other connections (small, small world) and he’s managed to be a crush of mine for a while (which he knows), but sadly he’s too hung up on his on/off girl friend that I’ve stopped wasting my time on it.

Anyway, so the story continues.   

Guy #1 of the night left and I was kind of disappointed but managed to find some other people to talk to.  There was this big group of guys that was talking to my group of friends and they all introduced themselves.  They seemed cool and we were having a good time.  

One of their friends arrived late (Guy #2 of the night), and he ended up standing next to me after he said hi to all his friends.

Needless to say we hit it off.  He was cute, funny, and I was obviously cute and funny too.  So it worked.  We made out at the bar (which I hate to admit, I hate when people do that), and ended up going back to my place (which clearly I’m admitting to, also).  

I’ll skip all the sorted details (sorry, not the time and the place for those things…), but needless to say it was a fun, safe and enjoyable experience.  

The next morning (very early) I woke up and the following occurred.

There is a cute guy in my bed.  

He’s still sleeping. 

I suddenly know, that I DON’T know his name.  Not like thinking “Oh, I forgot it”, but I’m pretty sure we were never actually introduced…

It is typical that I wake up before the guy, and sometimes flee (although this was my apt, so I couldn’t, not that I wanted to with this guy), but this afforded me some time to brainstorm how I could get his name.  Which I failed.

I texted a couple friends (and I’m pretty sure my mom, too, probably much to her chagrin) and said “There is a cute guy in my bed, and I don’t know his name…Happy Valentine’s Day!”.   

I got a flurry of texts throughout that day of congratulations (haha) on what was really my first one night stand, and more importantly the first guy since my relationship that even interested me enough…and some laughs because I managed to not even know the guy’s name.

I thought it was hilarious, at the time…and even now.

One of the friend’s I texted (who was really into The Hills at the time), said “Oh! What if his name is something like Justin Bobby!?”  He was then, and since, referred to as Justin Bobby.

That morning when he woke up, he asked for my number.  I don’t know if he saw my college diploma on my wall and knew my name from that, or if he never actually knew my name…it’s hard to say.  

I felt good being single on that Valentine’s Day, I felt like I had earned it being a good day for me.

A couple day’s later I got a text from him “Hey this is (let’s call him “Tom” for the sake of this post) Tom from Friday night, how’s it going?”.  

“His name was TOM!” I yelled in the restaurant when he told me his name…my friend just laughed.

We texted briefly. 

And then that was it. 

Neither of us initiated any other contact, and that concluded the successful one night stand.

I felt accomplished in a way, like a right of passage.  I felt like a woman, I felt like a satisfied human being, and it allowed me to not fear sex with new people.  

I’m not sure if you’ve had the experience before, but I think after having been in a long relationship I was worried about sleeping with someone else.  Would it ever be good again? Would I ever feel comfortable enough to let go like that again?

Well, the answer is (and was)…yes.

Fast forward to about a month ago, and guess who I got a text from?

You guessed it.

Too funny.

I had tried to find him on Facebook a little while back but all I knew was his first name, that he lived in/around the city, and that I would have liked to have run into him again!  haha.  But no luck (Facebook stalking is hard without more info).

Some how we both still had each other’s numbers (his was in my phone as “TOM” from the bar we met at, once he told me his name), and whether or not he remembered me, my name, or anything, it was kind of nice to hear from him.  I at least wasn’t entered in “DELETE” or as “DO NOT ANSWER” (Mind you, I have about 7 of these in my phone).

We’ve texted here and there…neither initiating anything.  He may see this post actually…but hopefully he’ll laugh at the situation too, and smile at the memory (or the foggy memory, as I’m sure it is at this point for both of us).

So what is the lesson/takeaway here?

I think that sexuality is something that if we take charge of it, once in a while some unattached (or nameless, ha) sex can be fun, as long as we’re smart about it…

As I’ve said, always there are risks, and I don’t want to minimize those, but there is only so long a girl can go without some lovin’.  

I know I’m not alone on this one, I just might be one of the only ones willing to admit it.

If you’ll admit it, feel free to anonymously post your on night stand stories…if only to relive them for a moment, help other’s live vicariously through you for a moment, or to rid yourself of holding on to the story and not sharing it for fear of being judged.

Cheers and Happy Valentine’s Day today…be safe, be well, love and be loved.

Until next time,

<3 E