when it rains, it pours

So, I haven't written consistently in a while...for a few reasons, so I wanted to update you briefly (since I know you've been eagerly waiting by your computer for an update about what's going on).  I've been a bit preoccupied with the many changes going on in my life, which are all good reasons for the first time in what feels like ages. 

 

I've been feeling pretty damn lucky.

 

I noticed that stuff started to shift for me at the beginning of February (and likely before).  I had been interviewing for jobs, I was looking for apartments to move into, and I had been actively meeting new people.

 

Then one week pretty much all the major areas of my life took a turn towards the direction I was ultimately hoping for.  I can't predict the future, obviously, but they are all very welcome changes and at this very moment (this moment is all that really exists) they are all things I'm excited about and feel very right for me.

 

The first thing that came to fruition is work.

 

At the end of this month I'll be working full time in one of the clinics I've been working at part time for the last few months.  This is something I'm really excited about since the clinic is full of great people, I really like my clients and it will ultimately be a great growing/learning opportunity for me.  They are excited to have me on board, too which feels really nice.  My clinical mentor (was my supervisor when I was still in school at my first placement) is who pulled me on and I'm just really excited to be working with her again and for the long term.  It's about who you know...and about being kick ass, obviously.

 

So that got confirmed which is very exciting and I'm very much looking forward to having a consistent schedule Monday-Thursday.  They are long days but ultimately when I've transitioned out of my other clinic (I'll be there on Fridays for a little while) I'll have 3 day weekends! Can't beat that!

 

A few days after work stuff got settled/finalized I solidified my next living situation.  Yes, it's finally arrived.  The "living at home again" thing is coming to an end.  I'm sad on some levels to leave my hometown, it's been nice to be at home with my mom and the dog, and it's been great to not pay rent...so it's not 100% happy, but it's like 90% happy.  And I'm ready to be on my own and be a real adult again.

 

The finding an apartment is a "it's a small world" kind of story. 

 

I had asked around (on FB primarily) if anyone knew people who needed a roommate.  I got a few leads that were good but not quite right (not in the right location, too expensive, short term and I'd have to move again in September...etc). 

 

So I started to look on Craigslist, which I know people have mixed feelings about, but I actually met an awesome roommate in the past on it. Plus I assess people for my job so I tend to pick up on glaring red flags.  Anyway, I had looked at 3 or so apartments off Craigslist. One apartment was great but I wasn't feeling the roommate situation.  One roommate situation seemed great but the place was kind of a dump, etc etc. 

 

Then I saw a listing for what looked like a nice apt with the features I was looking for, in my price range and I emailed the person.  "Hey my name is E and I'm looking to move bla bla bla bla".  A little while later I got an email back saying "This is strange...is this E from such and such town?". 

 

It just so happened that the person emailing me back was someone I went to Hebrew school with when I was in elementary/middle school.  I met up with her (she's great, smart, hard working, fun, nice, etc), checked out the apartment (big, sunny, good location, laundry in the unit, big closets) and I was pretty pumped about it! 

 

So low and behold I'll be moving into an apartment with someone I knew as a kid, at the end of this month.  It's so funny to me that we reconnected through Craigslist.  Oh the wonders of the internet.  Don't even get me started on how my long lost sister found the rest of us siblings through Facebook...that's for another post.

 

So those two things alone have been a significant shift for me, and they are the main things that I've been waiting (not so patiently) to be put into place.

 

The third thing (they say things come in threes), I won't get much into here (yet, at least)...but I met a great guy that I'm having a lot of fun with.  Like I said, I'm not psychic, and it's early yet...but in tandem with all the other changes it feels like a great addition to my life with incredibly serendipitous timing.  I'm excited about him, and he's excited about me.  No matter what happens he's really shown me what it feels like to be appreciated, treated well, be with someone who is thoughtful and considerate and I think I "knew" that existed but I didn't really KNOW.  Maybe you can't truly know until you feel it.  Probably another post brewing on that one...anyway - I hope to continue to have good things to say about him and how he makes me feel. :)

 

So needless to say the last few weeks have been busy, full, exciting and full of changes.

 

The real transition will be at the end of March when the work stuff actually changes and I take the leap and move into my next apartment.  I'm sure it will have it's challenges and stresses. I'm sure that there will be hiccups here and there...

 

In the mean time, I'm working really hard to enjoy the moment right now, and take each day at a time. I don't want to wish away the next couple of weeks since there are exciting things waiting for me "then". I really want to practice being mindful, staying present, and enjoying the ride versus just wishing for the destination. 

 

SO.

 

For those of you who feel stuck, or bored, or ready for change, but feel like nothing is giving...

 

Keep at it, make the changes you do have control over, put yourself out there (online dating, craigslist for roommates, Facebook, join a club, do sports, make healthy decisions...whatever) and ultimately something will give.  Something will shift.

 

And sometimes what they say is true, when it rains, it pours.

 

I'm enjoying this monsoon I must say.

 

Until next time,

E

8 possible barriers to being dateable

I read this quick article "8 Reasons Why You Aren't Married" posted by a relationship blogger lady that I follow from time to time, and it got my gears going.

I also, happened to read it after another string of unsuccessful first/second dates, how timely.

Shit.

Looks like I have a lot of things I need to work on, and here I was thinking I was pretty great.

Well I know I'm pretty great, but maybe that is part of the problem?

I have, 12 years to get this shit in order or I'll be another 40 year old without a hubby. 

Granted I’m not ready to be married now, and I’m not in a rush, per se…but hopefully it doesn’t take those 12 years.

Either way this points out some things that I, and maybe you, could wrestle with.  Jello wrestling with it might make it more fun.

Frankly, I'm not really willing to give all of these attributes up, or change who I am, but I do realize that some of these things makes me hard to please or hard to be in a relationship with…so they might be worth toning down or revaluating.

The article lays out the following 8 barriers (it's like they know me).

1. Sort of shallow
2. Sort of bitchy
3. Too independent
4. Too easy
5. Overly self-focused
6. Lack of honesty with self
7. Super hero busy
8. Not good enough

Let’s explore.

1. Sort of shallow:

I totally agree that you need to love a man for his character, I’d much rather be with someone who has a great character than is just pretty.  BUT.  With online dating being like window shopping, and a list of qualities (like the list that Connor Mead talked about), it’s really hard to get their character fully…but you can see their face…and their height.  PLUS I have to be attracted to the guy, just like I’d want him to be attracted to me. I mean I think sexual chemistry is an important part of a long term relationship. I don’t think the guy has to be objectively gorgeous but I want to find him attractive.  So this is a tough one.  However, if I meet a guy in the wild, and we get to know each other more naturally, I think I’m probably much less shallow than I am online.  I wonder how I can shift that.  I’ve noticed actually in the last week or so (I just re-joined Match.com, worst timing ever when I’m super busy and don’t have time for a date, but whatever), that I’ve been talking to guys who are not as “typical” to me in terms of their careers/jobs, location, background, whatever.  So maybe I’m loosening my grip on the “stats” already.

2.  Sort of bitchy:

Eek.  Define bitchy.  No, don’t. I know I can be bitchy.  “McMillan points out that you probably don’t think of yourself this way because you’ve been to therapy or you’re really smart. Either way, men prefer to marry women they can easily get along with and who tend to be nice. Your anger scares men away whether you admit it or not.” Does that include BEING a therapist AND really smart?  Hmm damn.  Well I know that I have a lifetime of anger, that I’ve been working on…and maybe it is really time to let go some of the anger, jealousy, frustration, whatever that sometimes creeps up.  Being more easy going and and easy to get along with in general would be good.  But “nice” doesn’t mean anything to me…friendly, warm, open, now that is better than “nice”.  I think I have those qualities but maybe they are overshadowed by my harshness/abruptness sometimes.  I don’t want to be fake, but point taken.

3. Too independent:

I’ve heard this one before.  Men need to feel needed.  I think it is very possible I come of not needing a man, because I don’t actually need one.  I like my independence a lot, but I do realize that I have filled up my time, and life space with work, friends, activities, and it will actually take some work to fit a guy into my life…See number 7.  Part of me also wants to find a guy who likes my independence, but when I think about it, do I want a guy who is so independent that it’s no different if I’m in his life or not?  For instance, even in my long term relationship, when we split up, the only thing I “lost” in the split was a couple beach towels/chairs in his car, I had a pair of his boxers at my place, I took down some pictures, deleted a few off Facebook, and that was it.  Maybe we were too independent and our lives weren’t intertwined enough for it to last, or feel worth working on.  So I wonder what I can do to work on my independence.  I’m not willing to be a damsel in distress, but opening my schedule up, asking for help when I need things versus muscling through and doing them myself, maybe there are other things? Guys/girls let me know your thoughts on this one.

4.  Too easy:

Ugh.  Just after I post about one night stands.  Although as I said there, it is not a good way to land a serious relationship (in most cases).  But the too easy thing.  How easy are we talking here?  No but I do agree with the writer on this one, and I feel like it aligns with both my posts about one night stands and friends with benefits.  Get your sugar but don’t expect great results.

5.  Overly self-focused:

You mean like having a blog about yourself?  Yikes.  Hmm maybe I should start posting about things other than myself.  What else can I do that isn’t self focused?  I spend my whole day focusing on my clients and their lives…but what about in my spare (HA) time?  Volunteering, maybe even getting “back” into painting…yah that would be for me, but I wouldn’t be in my head about me, I’d be being creative…or reading about others…maybe some good autobiographies.  Thoughts/suggestions on good reads?

6.  Lack of honesty - the key is with one's self. 

I'm very honest outwardly but maybe I need some help with looking at myself frankly...I’m not sure.  I know my quirks and flaws…and I know my areas of weakness fairly well.  I do really think it’s important to be honest about what you’re looking for when you first start dating someone.  There was this really cute guy online who was like “I’m not looking for a serious thing right now”, and for a day or two I entertained the idea…”maybe I can change his mind” is sometimes how we think…but ladies, we know we can’t.  So I didn’t even end up meeting him because I told him I was looking for something more serious and that I don’t plan on working hard to change someone’s mind.  Didn’t hear back from him…maybe I was too honest.  Anyway, NEXT.

 

7.  Super hero busy:

GUILTY.  My friends can attest to this...My work schedule is all over the place, and I have to schedule friends ahead of time just to see everyone here and there. I know that sounds like bragging, and I'm so thankful for my friends, but it's true, different friend circles require more time management skills.  I rarely have a night off socially, but then when I do I feel, well, lonely and bored.  So I tend to keep my nights packed full…I guess I need to be okay with more alone time, so there is room for going on dates, dating a guy even.

8.  Not good enough:

Maybe deep down this is true.  Maybe deep down because both my father figures left that I feel that I’m not good enough or worthy of a good relationship.  I don’t know if this is true, but it’s possible.  There is a part of me that feels “I deserve” a good healthy relationship because of “all I’ve been through” but that is maybe to compensate for my subconscious.  Hmm, food for thought.  I do know that I’m great in a lot of ways, and while (clearly) there are some things to look at, or work on, but I know I’m a good person, with a good head on my shoulders, and I am good enough for someone to fall in love with me (where it’s mutual).  

Or maybe I’m just too awesome.  Yah, maybe that’s it. :)

Haha.   

I’m sharing this with you in the hopes of unlocking something in me that shifts how I present myself enough that I’m more accessible to guys, but maintains who I am and my values of self and goals, etc.  Maybe something to think about for you if you’re single and wondering why.

The other thing is, it could also be timing.  I think not beating yourself up about these things is key because we are who we are, and someone should love us for who we are.  So maybe it’s working on being patient and not worrying about what timelines others are on, or what timeline we wish we were on.

Until next time,

E

Friends With Benefits

You all remember those analogies in various standardized tests, right?

Friends : Sex ::  

a) Penut Butter : Fluff

b) Money : Charity

c) Oil : Water

d) Dinner and Drinks : First Date

Obviously C.  The answer is always C. 

The takeaway is that they they don't (or maybe more accurately - shouldn't) mix.

Why are you bringing this up, E? I was happy in my life daydreaming about knocking boots with my hot friend.

Well, today Paige Parker (a blogger I follow) brought it up.  She writes a lot about dating on her blog/site called Dating Without Drama.

She posted a short article written by a man on his take on friends with benefits (FWB) and I thought it was a good topic to share my thoughts around, with y'all...and plus when I tell you things here (my blog) it keeps me in check here (my life).

In brief (though it was an already succinct post), he pointed out that while it sounds logical...we are good friends, we'd both like to get laid, so why not? it's just generally not a good idea.  What he says is ultimately one develops feelings for the other due to repeated intimacy and then results typically in someone getting hurt.

He points out that what is likely a better alternative is acquaintances with benefits (if you use the aquaintances listing option on facebook, this might be an easy way to scout out your next f.buddy). 

The tough part is that acquaintances with benefits or AWB, takes away from the instant comfort level that closer friends might afford you...and really I'm not sure how to navigate this other than to reach out to an aquaintance who you don't know well and say..."Hey, I've been thinking...".  I mean you might as well seem like less of a sleeze and ask that person out on a date.

I think the first part of what he said is true, though.  

It would be hard to imagine having meaningless sex when you a) actually care about the other person b) like them as person enough to be their friend and c) (it's always c) find them attractive enough to get naked with them.  

I'm sure some are better than others about not letting the sexcapades invade the friendship, but for the most part it is almost unavoidable that someone will pump the breaks and the other might want to hit cruise control...or speed up for that matter.

The man in the post makes the following and most important point:  If there is part of you hoping that the FWB will turn into a relationship, you will likely be disappointed.  It's important to know that if it was going to turn into a relationship, it already would have.  

A relationship would have developed over time if the key ingredients were there (chemistry, a good match, timing, both interested/willing) versus simply because you're saying "hey, you're single and great, I'm single and great...I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine".

Mila and Justin being friends

I never saw the movie Friends With Benefits, though my grandmother (ha, seriously) said it was cute and I'd like it if I "like racy and fun movies". 

Which I do.  I likely will see it now that I'm posting this.

I'm assuming, that these friends in the movie who hook up, end up falling in love (thank you obvious Hollywood movies - maybe I don't need to see it, or I'll watch it on mute just to see if I can catch a glimpse of Justin's ass or something). 

I don't think that friends with benefits typically pan out in real life, at least not for long. It's likely it will turn out like some of the people in Jurassic Park (like the guy who plays Newman from Sienfeld - I'm pretty sure he was eaten by a T-Rex or the raptors - God, how good is the raptor in the kitchen scene? Still so intense when I think about it like 15 years later).  

Or if the friendship doesn't crash and burn completely it may forever be scared or mangled or complicated like the dorky kid gone off the deep end to become a villain in The Incredibles (which was on last night...PS - how amazing is  Edna Mode's character?).

someone else's breakdown of FWB

I'm not saying in the moment it's not fun or that it isn't possible that it could work, or even that it could work out...but I think overall when I'm thinking about it with a clear and sober mind it's best to be avoided.

Also, I think this is slightly different than a drunken one time thing.  

I know of a lot of situations where friends can be drunk and misinterpret this drunkeness for a real connection...one thing leads to another and the morning comes and it's like "woops".  

This is far less damaging generally than repeated encounters, however, it's true that the physical connection may cause ripples for a while, and even again when each of those people moves onto other relationships.

So where does this leave single people who have a healthy sexual appetite and don't want to continue, or start, a string of one-night stands?  

Well, for this I actually don't have much of a suggestion as I'm not an expert on navigating this gray area despite some years of...err...research.  

My guess is patience, exercise, cold showers and maybe a brief stint with religion could do the trick...or at least find some good looking and willing acquaintances. 

Well, at least I've got exercise.

Until next time,

E (with benefits)

PS. Please share (anonymously if you'd prefer) what your FWB experience has been...successful? "no strings attached"? Let me know!

two lawyers walk into a bar...

...and E goes on dates with both of them.

Ha.

Okay, that wasn't supposed to be a joke, it's actually the summation of my dating life in the last couple weeks.

So, I suppose you could still call it a joke.

Because I love you guys, and because I can find humor in my dating failures (and so can you), and maybe you/I can learn from my mistakes/wrong turns/epiphanies, I figured I'd share.

**
I was trying to heed the advice of my recent guest blogger (Connor Mead) by not sticking so rigidly to my "list".

Like most people I have a somewhat informal running list (okay, maybe I've put it in Excel before, pivot tables anyone?) of things I'd like in my next relationship...this includes some things about the guy, how I want to feel around him and the different aspects of the relationship...pretty basic stuff.  Good guy, have fun, chemistry, mutuality...and tall.  I like them tall.

But, since I believe that if you don't change your approach you can't expect different results, I decided to start to give some guys a chance that I might not normally be interested in.

These aren't guys that I shouldn't be interested in, per se, we're talking eligible bachelors...but maybe not typically my type (when someone single says that you should retort with "well looks like your type hasn't been working for you", "...touché" they should reply).

Moving on.

I was seeing these two guys (not together, obviously, and no they didn't walk into the bar together, the joke is a loose depiction of my dating life mind you) and we'll call them Mr. Esquire 1 and Mr. Esquire 2.

Aside from both being Jewish (bonus points, not mandatory) lawyers, they were very different from one another.

Mr. Esq 1 was very proper.  He was a nice southern boy who suggested classy establishments to meet at for our dates.  He was engaging, asked me a lot of questions but also offered up a lot about himself.  He was smart and driven and funny.  He hailed from one of the best universities in the country.  He had a little bit of the curse of niceness, but was interesting enough that it wasn't a turn off.

He kissed me after the first date, which surprised me.  It was nice.  I was surprised he was forward enough to "make a move" based upon his properness so even though I wasn't 100% about him, he had surprised me so I met him again.

We had similar stories in terms of our complicated families, he was worldly and had also made a career change, he stacked up to any list someone would have made.

He did the right things, he paid for drinks, he followed up, he suggested fun things to do, he held the door.

So what was it that I was hesitant about?  Was it really the hair I saw creeping up from the top of the back of his shirt?  Was it really that he vaguely looked like someone I used to date?  Was it really that I just didn't find him manly enough?

I don't think it was anything in particular, but when I awkwardly avoided his kiss on the second date - which mind you was in broad daylight in public (so bad when you keep talking just so that they can't kiss you), I realized that my desire to push him up against the wall and give into any physical desire just wasn't there...I had to call it quits.

I let him down gently, he was understanding and appreciative that I was honest with him.

I was interested in him as a friend, he's a cool guy.  Maybe if I'm single when I'm 35 I'll be fine with a companion that is just my friend, but right now physical chemistry and desire is a must.

Mr. Esq 2 was very laid back.  He was a nice local guy who for our first date suggested a bar on the same block as his apartment, where his friends hung out frequently.

He showed up in a long sleeved t-shirt (which on the second date he told me his friends had reamed him out for wearing), and I just felt like he wasn't taking things seriously enough. He knew the bartender (female) who monopolized much of the first date with talking to him about being sworn in.  He didn't introduce us and it was kind of awkward.

I don't need things serious all the time, but having me meet you at the closest bar possible to your house and talking to the bartender the first half of the date is just not my idea of a good/exciting time.

The rest of the date (once we were actually talking to each other versus the bartender) was enjoyable enough that when he asked me out again, I figured, why not.  He proposed playing pool, so I was excited to do something fun...friendly competition is a good time on dates.

Again, we went to a fairly local bar to him (he didn't make suggestions to meet half way, or ask where I'd like to go, but I figured he came up with the idea so I went with it).   We played pool, we were a bit more flirty than the first date, and it was fun.  We wound up at a total dive bar which was funny and I think more typical of his type of hanging out situation, but don't get me wrong, I like a good dive bar now and again.

Overall it was a good time.  I paid for a couple of our drinks, which I don't usually mind at all, but there was a level of inconsideration (is that a word? looks funny) and a lack of maturity on his part that irked me a little and made me resent grabbing some rounds.

I wasn't sure how I felt about him even during the date.  I'm usually pretty clear about "yes, I'm interested" or "no, I'm not".  He was on the edge of that.

So what was it that I was hesitant about?  Was it really that he showed up too casual on the first date and was too nonchalant?  Was it really that I felt like I was on a college date? Was it really that I felt like he was interested in what I looked like and not genuinely interested in anything else about me?

We had fun, I was attracted to him enough that I didn't awkwardly resist him kissing me like Esq1.  But he just felt like he was 22 (though he's in his late 20's)...I was a bit turned off by going out to the bars I did that age, and his still wanting to stay within a 4 block radius of his apartment.

There was something about it that just felt like we were in different places in our lives and looking for different types of relationships.  I talked to him about it yesterday (after he had been following up with friendly conversation since our last date...but after a week the back and forth seemed to lead no where).   He said he agreed that he wasn't sure if we were really lining up right.  Who knows what he really thought.

**
Even though during these dates with these two guys I was making a concerted effort to not worry about the things on my list, they actually had a lot of the things on that list (despite me mentioning a lot of the negative things above).

Both made me laugh, both were interesting and driven (though in different ways), both were tall enough.  Both of them were attractive enough that if I had really felt connected or intrigued by them I would have found them increasingly attractive.

All of the things I had hesitated about were not deal breakers individually (I mean back hair isn't attractive but there are ways to deal with that.  Who cares what bar we go to, if you're an awesome guy and I'm excited about you we could be sitting in the library and I'd enjoy myself), and I know from experience that when you like someone enough their flaws, or whatever, become endearing or you overlook them (at least initially)...

...but still I wasn't really feeling that connected to either of them.

So while I was doing a bit of nit picking, it wasn't that I felt that anything about them was black/white a yes/no...but the whole gestalt of the person and how I felt around them just...wasn't it.

I'm glad I went out with both of them a few times.  I'm glad to have met some cool guys that I enjoyed spending time with despite not feeling like I wanted to date them.

I learned that even when you're not guy shopping according to your list you can still find guys who actually have the things you need and want...and the reality is that even with those attributes the guy might not be the right fit for you.

I'm still waiting for the right fit.

I'm starting to lose steam on looking, however, so maybe it will find me.  I'm tossing my "would be nice to have" list aside (though not forgetting my standards/needs), and remaining open to meeting new people and seeing when the spaghetti sticks to the ceiling to let me know that the noodle, that is a relationship, is fully cooked.

Sorry, really bad metaphor but you get the point.

Aaaand sorry for the rambling post about my lawyer duo escapades...it was interesting for me and when I talked to friends about going on dates with two lawyers, it just sounded like a bad joke that I had to share.

Until next time,
E-less-squire

GUEST BLOGGER: Connor Mead: How to lose a guy in 1 month.

So ask and you shall receive.  What are guys thinking when you are dating them? How are guys evaluating you, ladies?  

Here is some inside scoop from a friend of mine, let's call him...Connor Mead.  

Connor has been so kind to give us a brief and helpful look inside the mind of a very capable, hard working, successful introspective, attractive, energetic, intelligent (and yes, he's real, good guys are not extinct) single 20 something guy...and compare it a bit to us ladies.  (Connor might say that was a rundown of my checklist, perhaps. Read on to hear more.)

I felt that giving another voice here would be helpful, and since we've chatted many times about our dating lives (and lack of, at times), I figured why not share him with y'all.  

I hope you enjoy another perspective.  Feedback and comments (as usual) are more than welcomed, and if all goes well, maybe we'll have Mr. Mead visit from time to time for some male perspective. :)


My take away from this post is, that if you're still looking for that special someone, it's time to stop being so ridged with our criteria, and start being open to what type of relationship we want, versus just peoples' stats.

Without further ado:

Until next time,

E

****

Hello! My name is Mr. Connor Mead. I am a 20 something guy enjoying all that my lovely city has to offer. I have been in all the situations people our age utilize to meet someone of the opposite sex: bars, friend’s parties, family setup, blind dates, office romances, online dating, random places like the super market, and all have provided great experiences and stories.  After a few convo’s with “E”, I thought why not offer the guys perspective on at least one aspect of this crazy dating world many of us find ourselves in. 


Currently, as a self diagnosed “nice guy who finishes last” I feel the hardest part I have been finding in navigating the dating scene is not meeting a woman’s “checklist” criteria. What is “checklisting” you say? Every girl has a complex algorithm of categorizing and critiquing a guy that makes launching a man into space look easy. This “checklist” is a rating that they put on every aspect of a man, weather they realize it or not. Sometimes it is as simple as how he looks, sometimes it is as complex as “I can’t put my finger on it but he just doesn’t seem to have enough edge.” Men are asked a million questions with everything from tone to how we hold a fork being evaluated. We are forced into non- traditional channels like texts that involve emoticons. Our FB profiles are combed to understand what we looked like in 2003. OK, I know I am being a bit over the top, but you get the idea, a woman wants to know everything thing about us as fast as possible to make a quick decision about how worthy of their time we are.

Now before you think I am placing all the blame on woman. Men, just as much as woman, have their own methodologies on dating. Men look at woman like sports cards. Everyone woman has stats that form her “Sports Card.” When I meet with my friends (both guys and girls) and I tell them about a new girl. I read her stats off right away. Where is she from, what does she do, what does she look like, family setup, interests, noteworthy moments in her life, and so on. Every nugget of our conversation and interaction is put into a category on a mental “sports card” that describes who she is. Men do this so they can compare cards to each other, both in their own collection and to other guys. You always want to be the best, have the best, and show off that you have it. And when that card no longer seems to hold the value that you may be looking for, you trade it away for a better card.

The bottom line using the “checklist” and “sports card” tactic - they are two sides to the same coin. Each party is evaluating, pigeon holing, and using pre conceived notions to reach a final judgment that in most cases is not a true picture of a person. Time and joint experiences are the keys to really connecting with someone.

Too often we don’t let things happen naturally anymore. Women don’t give Men a chance because of prior issues or scars from earlier relationships. Guys don’t want to put in the effort or be chivalrous because they feel girls are just “playing games” or “manipulating them”. In the end I titled this post, how to lose a guy in 1 month, as this is the time it takes the truth to finally bubble up. It is around that mark when people start being real. So I have two simple requests for the readers of this blog and this post as I fully support and enjoy what “E” exposes regarding dating/relationships.

1. Women – Please give guys a chance, for once, open your MIND, let a guy in a bit, and don’t be so quick to judge
2. Men – go out of your way a bit, buy that drink for the girl, hold a door open, bring a flower, use your ears and listen, don’t be afraid to stand up, open your HEART, and treat a girl right.

Stay hungry -- CM

looks like a duck, quacks like a duck

So without getting into details to avoid rehashing a crappy situation I'll just say that the guy I was "seeing" (or whatever you call it these days), apparently isn't interested in it anymore.

It's pretty crappy that a guy and girl can really hit it off, have chemistry, things in common, laugh a lot, have fun together...things go well for a while and then poof.  He's managed to just trail off with communication, started to flake on dates and then now, I think it's clear there is nothing.

So when this happens what do you (I) do?

You question what you did, if anything, to make this change.  You question why he doesn't like you or doesn't feel connected anymore, you question what's wrong with you, what's wrong with him.  You wonder if maybe he met someone else, or if there is something wrong in his life that he's just not in a place to communicate.  You make excuses for him, then you get angry at the situation, you decide it's not worth it, but then you check your phone again just to see if maybe he texted.

I feel pretty confident that the last few weeks of an exciting beginning culminated in a guy just not following through.  Of course it's not like I was convinced this was "the guy" yet, but I knew I wanted to see him again, and I wanted to get to know him more.  I had some hope that it could be something.  So yah, I'm disappointed.  I'm confused.  I can't help but wonder what happened.

It is hard not to feel hopeless about finding someone, sitting with feeling rejected, or thinking that it reflects badly on me... but these things happen. Not everyone is going to be a good match, even when they seem like they might be.

Even when something looks like a duck, quacks like a duck...

...sometimes it's actually a goose.  

So, I'm getting right back on the horse as they say.  Not wasting any time on something that isn't going anywhere...I don't want to miss something else that might present itself in the mean time.

Who knows what will happen.

Part of me wants to say maybe he'll come around, but even being hopeful for that makes me feel like crap. I don't want to be with someone (again) who will turn that quickly and decide that I'm not worth the time or decency to follow through or at the very least a give a simple explanation.

So, I take it back.  Now I'm looking for bigger (taller, at the very least) and better.

Until next time,

E

Dating: Meeting Online

So at the risk of sounding conceited, but still making a point I'm going to start by saying: I'm pretty awesome.  I'd say think I'm decent looking, I'm smart, I'm educated, I sometimes make people laugh, I have a good head on my shoulders, I'm a good friend, I like to do fun things, I can dance pretty well when I've had a few drinks, I've dated around a decent amount, I meet people and hit it off, and I've had a long (long) term relationship, so all around it's clear that I'm not undatable.

Also, let me preface this post by keeping this in the spirit of not wishing for something that isn't (which I've been working on and I think it has helped with some of my anxiety around this whole relationship thing), is that while I'd like to be in a relationship, being single is not terrible at all. I've been having so much fun, and there is even part of me that thinks that it would be kind of challenging to adjust to being part of a couple again (although, I'm willing it if the right guy manifests).

Final note before I dive into the topic.  I ask that you reserve your judgement.  I also ask that you comment (anonymously if you so choose) to share your experience, thoughts, success stories, horror stories, whatever.

Okay here we go:  online dating.

Oh, online dating.  I'm really not sure where to start, so I guess I'll start with this month.

You can imagine that living at home isn't really that conducive to meeting people, but really the only thing truly limits is one night stands from the bar (Oh hey Ma, this is...wait what's your name again?)...and clearly at this point I'm over that, so it's left me with little excuse for not putting myself out there.

Living outside the city, however, is limiting in terms of just the sheer volume of people you might be able to meet out at a bar or in Starbucks (I'd love that, by the way, while I order my venti iced).

Living in the city where you are walking around, taking public transit, you are just exposed to many more people than when you are a bit more insular, commuting alone in your car, or driving to...well, Starbucks.

Since I've been back in my hometown, I had a few friends who had been online dating before and recently joined OkCupid who were talking about it, a good friend of mine from forever just got engaged so we are all chit chatting about all things bachelorette party and wedding planning, I hung out alone at a bar for the first time ever (the bartender is my friend and I arrived with someone, but stayed after they went home...kind of fun actually, good people watching), had some contact with people I've "dated"**, which was nice but brought up questions about, well practically everything.

So, with all that, and living in a new (but old) area I decided to give this newer site my friend had joined a shot.  Why not.  I've got some fun to be had, and it seems that my immediate options are exhausted for the time being.  (If not then let me know before I'm off the market again!).

I admit this is not my first go round with online dating.

After my last long-term relationship ended, I joined JDate to get myself back out there, go on some dates and have some fun.  At the time, I figured if I'm going to meet someone online, they might as well be Jewish to make my grandparents happy.  I was pretty successful with it, meaning that I went out with a bunch of guys, met some cool people and then after a month or so was like "eh this is enough".

I also had a brief stint on eHarmony which was also successful, but like JDate, and likely like (likely like?) OkCupid, I burnt out kind of quickly.  eHarmony is one that I think if I was 30-something and really looking for a compatible person so that I could make babies, that I'd focus on. I think that it ultimately has the best system and is less focused on what someone looks like and more about their character.  Although, I went on dates with some cute guys, so it's not devoid of attractive people by any means.

The anxiety that comes with "blind dates" is almost too much.  If you haven't experienced the anticipation of a first date or a blind date, then I suggest it.  They say to do one thing every day that scares you, well, this might be your ticket.

For instance last night I went on a blind date from OkC (get with the lingo ppl), and the entire day leading up to it I was nervous.  Once we met him I was relaxed, which is typical for me.  The date was nice, he's a good guy (cute, smart, tall, Jewish) and we walked around a little town center eating ice cream and listening to a cover band play on their town common.  It would have been a romantic cute date if I was interested in that way, but I wasn't.

I was disappointed that it wasn't "it", and felt kind of silly for being really nervous leading up to it.  I think that it will help me to be less nervous next time around, but then again anxiety is a bitch.  Luckily there are only a few things I get anxious about like first dates or being a passenger in a car with a driver that I deem as scary.

Over the last couple years I've probably gone on dates with about 12 guys from the online dating world, and I'd say that only 2 was a disaster, 2 I only went on 1 date with, 1 guy I went on like 7 dates with and the rest I went on 2-4 dates with.  Those aren't terrible odds actually.  I do a fairly good screening process since there are things I won't tolerate (being a cigarette smoker, someone shorter than me, someone who posts pictures of themselves in the mirror with their cell phone - learn how to take a self-timed picture or at least a self picture, avoid the bathroom mirror people) and I politely decline their offers and wait for a decent guy to come along.

The primary challenges with online dating being successful is chemistry.  I think that someone can be amazing on paper and then you meet and it's like "yeahhh no."  I also think that it probably happens that I (and others) dismiss someone online, but had we met them in a bar and felt chemistry may have been interested in (though most of the "in-bar" situations fizzle out after a few dates anyway).  Keep your eyes out for a post on having parties, as I think this may be the key to meeting the right people (mutual friends as a filter).

There is stigma with online dating.  Less so now, than a few years ago, since most people know great people who use the sites or even success stories of engagements/marriages from the online world, but still.  The first question people ask when you are dating someone is "how did you meet?".  Even still there is a sting of saying "online".  But my friend said it best, "If you find someone you love and it's a great relationship, who the hell cares where you met them?".  While I want a great story, what's more important is just being with someone that I love who we fulfill each other's needs and wants, and the rest just doesn't really matter.

The times they are a changing. Most of our communication is online these days anyway, and it's not a far stretch to imagine that more and more people will be meeting their significant others online.   Ultimately you aren't dating online, you're MEETING online.  I would recommend meeting people quickly so you can decide yay or nay and move on.  The dating part should be in person, leave the online part to just the initial connection.

So if you've been on the fence about joining a site, just know that once you're on it, people will come out of the woodwork that you wouldn't expect who are already online dating.

I say go for it.  The worst case is you have some crappy dates, feel anxious or it isn't the avenue where you ultimately find love.  The benefit is it is a huge confidence booster, you get better at dating (it's like interviewing, the more you practice the better you are), you come out with some good stories, you meet cool people even if you don't want to date them, and it is just an extra avenue to possibly finding someone to be with.

Like my mom says: "You can't win the lottery if you don't play" (aside from the fact that most people don't win the lottery, this is a good analogy if you don't read into it)...and you know mom is always right.

Happy dating, wherever you meet!

Until next time,
OkE

**Dating: What the hell are we even classifying this as these days? Is this going on a couple of dates? Sleeping with on a regular basis? Boyfriend/Girlfriend?  I guess I just use it for any situation where you have a non-platonic relationship or interest, ranging from where both of you are working towards figuring out if you're a good match by hanging out, to planning where the next place you're going to get it on is, to if you're official on Facebook.  Fair?