Friends With Benefits

You all remember those analogies in various standardized tests, right?

Friends : Sex ::  

a) Penut Butter : Fluff

b) Money : Charity

c) Oil : Water

d) Dinner and Drinks : First Date

Obviously C.  The answer is always C. 

The takeaway is that they they don't (or maybe more accurately - shouldn't) mix.

Why are you bringing this up, E? I was happy in my life daydreaming about knocking boots with my hot friend.

Well, today Paige Parker (a blogger I follow) brought it up.  She writes a lot about dating on her blog/site called Dating Without Drama.

She posted a short article written by a man on his take on friends with benefits (FWB) and I thought it was a good topic to share my thoughts around, with y'all...and plus when I tell you things here (my blog) it keeps me in check here (my life).

In brief (though it was an already succinct post), he pointed out that while it sounds logical...we are good friends, we'd both like to get laid, so why not? it's just generally not a good idea.  What he says is ultimately one develops feelings for the other due to repeated intimacy and then results typically in someone getting hurt.

He points out that what is likely a better alternative is acquaintances with benefits (if you use the aquaintances listing option on facebook, this might be an easy way to scout out your next f.buddy). 

The tough part is that acquaintances with benefits or AWB, takes away from the instant comfort level that closer friends might afford you...and really I'm not sure how to navigate this other than to reach out to an aquaintance who you don't know well and say..."Hey, I've been thinking...".  I mean you might as well seem like less of a sleeze and ask that person out on a date.

I think the first part of what he said is true, though.  

It would be hard to imagine having meaningless sex when you a) actually care about the other person b) like them as person enough to be their friend and c) (it's always c) find them attractive enough to get naked with them.  

I'm sure some are better than others about not letting the sexcapades invade the friendship, but for the most part it is almost unavoidable that someone will pump the breaks and the other might want to hit cruise control...or speed up for that matter.

The man in the post makes the following and most important point:  If there is part of you hoping that the FWB will turn into a relationship, you will likely be disappointed.  It's important to know that if it was going to turn into a relationship, it already would have.  

A relationship would have developed over time if the key ingredients were there (chemistry, a good match, timing, both interested/willing) versus simply because you're saying "hey, you're single and great, I'm single and great...I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine".

Mila and Justin being friends

I never saw the movie Friends With Benefits, though my grandmother (ha, seriously) said it was cute and I'd like it if I "like racy and fun movies". 

Which I do.  I likely will see it now that I'm posting this.

I'm assuming, that these friends in the movie who hook up, end up falling in love (thank you obvious Hollywood movies - maybe I don't need to see it, or I'll watch it on mute just to see if I can catch a glimpse of Justin's ass or something). 

I don't think that friends with benefits typically pan out in real life, at least not for long. It's likely it will turn out like some of the people in Jurassic Park (like the guy who plays Newman from Sienfeld - I'm pretty sure he was eaten by a T-Rex or the raptors - God, how good is the raptor in the kitchen scene? Still so intense when I think about it like 15 years later).  

Or if the friendship doesn't crash and burn completely it may forever be scared or mangled or complicated like the dorky kid gone off the deep end to become a villain in The Incredibles (which was on last night...PS - how amazing is  Edna Mode's character?).

someone else's breakdown of FWB

I'm not saying in the moment it's not fun or that it isn't possible that it could work, or even that it could work out...but I think overall when I'm thinking about it with a clear and sober mind it's best to be avoided.

Also, I think this is slightly different than a drunken one time thing.  

I know of a lot of situations where friends can be drunk and misinterpret this drunkeness for a real connection...one thing leads to another and the morning comes and it's like "woops".  

This is far less damaging generally than repeated encounters, however, it's true that the physical connection may cause ripples for a while, and even again when each of those people moves onto other relationships.

So where does this leave single people who have a healthy sexual appetite and don't want to continue, or start, a string of one-night stands?  

Well, for this I actually don't have much of a suggestion as I'm not an expert on navigating this gray area despite some years of...err...research.  

My guess is patience, exercise, cold showers and maybe a brief stint with religion could do the trick...or at least find some good looking and willing acquaintances. 

Well, at least I've got exercise.

Until next time,

E (with benefits)

PS. Please share (anonymously if you'd prefer) what your FWB experience has been...successful? "no strings attached"? Let me know!