Are you as happy as you could be?

In the last couple of weeks, the topic that has come up many times has been happiness.  A friend of mine, and fellow blogger, was talking about how she has been MIA on the web "because I'm happy, I have nothing to say when I'm happy." One of our friends has actually talked about her song writing ability and the effect of happiness.  She is more creative perhaps when she isn't happy, or when love is a cause of heart ache versus excitement.  She says, "Happy songs can feel cheesy".  Even a fellow peer who is seeing a client who is an artist, shared that the client feels that his art is more authentic when he's not happy.

So, I got to thinking.  I'm feeling fairly creative, life is challenging but overall pretty good, and I think I'm happy...right?

I was at the bookstore two weekends ago, and this book jumped out at me, "The Happiness Project"by Gretchen Rubin.  The premise is a woman who has a good life and is happy overall, but was seeking out the secrets to her increased happiness.  She did research on everything from what Aristotle had to say on the matter to people like Abraham Lincoln and Oprah.  So for my staycation that I had last week, I figured why not work on my own happiness?

In addition to reading this book, I've been much better running, and hope to continue it.  I've made an effort to see people that I don't normally get to see, like my grandparents, and I've managed to have a fun time with friends at the bar and even just hanging around at a coffee shop (like I am today).  Overall I'd say I felt pretty happy last week during my break, and though this week has been kind of a roller coaster with getting back into the swing of things, job interviews and the like, overall my mood has still been lifted.  Amazing what time away from school and internship will do.

I realized after getting into it, the book is in the same vein of the "self help" type, but it's very light and easy to read...and who can't use a little extra help?  She has woven a lot of interesting facts, quotes and tidbits in a seamless, bloglike fashion.  It's pretty interesting how similar things are for us all; having clutter, the things we avoid doing, the arguments we get into and other simple things that can add to our stresses and take our happiness down a notch.

I took a keen interest in a lot of the quotes she used and flagged them (as you can see) as reminders for sharing with my clients as well as for myself and thought I would share some of my "favorites" or things that hit home because at times it felt like I was reading my own story in her book.

Some of the things I thought were interesting were "no brainers", some were quotes from other intellectuals, some were things that I felt I needed improvement on or thought of a client the idea might help, and some things well, just made me take pause.

***
The following are all quoted from The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. Please read through, you might like something you see.

• The opposite of happiness is unhappiness, not depression.
• Benjamin Franklin is one of the patron saints of self-realization and identified 13 virtues he wanted to cultivate: temperance, silence, order, resolution, frugality, industry, sincerity, justice, moderation, cleanliness, tranquility, chastity and humility
• People are more likely to make progress on goals that are broken into concrete, measurable actions with some kind of structured accountability and positive reinforcement.
• Neitzsche wrote: All truly great thoughts are conceived while walking.
• The One Minute Rule: Don't postpone any task that could be done in less than one minute.
• Happy people find it easier to get and stay married, happy people make better dates and easier spouses 
• Hugging for 6 seconds is the minimum time necessary to promote the flow of oxytocin and serotonin, mood-boosting chemicals that promote bonding.
• Research shows that how people fight, matters more than how much they fight.  Couples who fight right tackle only one difficult topic at a time, avoid bombs like "you always"/"you never", and they make repair attempts
• In practically every language there are more concepts to describe negative emotions than positive emotions
• Women have more feelings of empathy for other people than men do (though women and men have about the same degree of empathy for animals).  For both men and women, the most reliable predictor of not being lonely is the amount of contact with women. Time spent with men doesn't make a difference.
• There is no love, there are only proofs of love.  Whatever love I might feel in my heart, others will only see my actions.
• This is one of the many paradoxes of happiness: we seek to control our lives, but the unfamiliar and the unexpected are important sources of happiness.
• Novelty requires more work from the brain, dealing with novel situations evokes more intense emotional responses and makes the passage of time seem slower and richer.
• In his book "Happier", Tal Ben-Shahar describes the "arrival fallacy,"; the belief that when you arrive at a certain destination, you'll be happy.
• People remember events better when they fit with their present mood, happy people remember happy events better, and depressed people remember sad events better.  Depressed people have as many nice experiences as other people, they just don't recall them as well.
• The four stages of happiness garnered from an experiences: we must anticipate it, savor it as it unfolds, express happiness and recall a happy memory of the experience
• I tended to overrate the fun activities that I didn't do, and underrate my own inclinations.  I felt like things that other people enjoyed were more valuable, more cultured...more, well, legitimate.
• Where there is no wood, the fire goes out; and where there is no talebearer, strife ceases. Proverbs 26:20
• People's lives are far more complicated than they appear from the outside. Cut people slack.
• I tried to remember not to judge people harshly, especially on the first or second encounter.  Their actions might not reveal their enduring character but instead reflect some situation they find themselves in.  Forbearance is a form of generosity.
• Choose not to take things personally.
• Be loving and love will find you.
• Help is everywhere.
• What would I do if I weren't scared?
• If you can't get out of it, get into it.
• Satisficers, are those who make a decision or take action once their criteria are met.  That doesn't mean they'll settle for mediocrity; their criteria can be very high, but as soon as they find the the hotel, pasta sauce, or the business card that has the qualities they want, they're satisfied.
• Maximizers want to make the optimal decision.  Even if they see a bicycle or a backpack that meets their requirements, they can't make a decision until after they've examined every option, so they can make the best possible choice.
• A few years ago, my sister gave me a box of beautiful stationary for my birthday. I loved it, but I'd never used it.  When I was mailing some photos to the grandparents, I hesitated to use the new stationary because I was "saving" it; but to what better use could it be put? Of course I should use those notes.  Spend out.
• I would have great ideas in the future and so should use my best stuff now.  Pouring out ideas is better for creativity than doling them out by the teaspoon.
• Spending out creates a wealth of love and tenderness, while calculation and score keeping build resentment.
• So often it is only after some calamity strikes that we appreciate what we have.  
• Keeping a one sentence journal: place to record the fleeting moments that make life sweet but that so easily vanish from memory.
• Cherish health and appreciating ordinary life
• In one study, people's sense of life satisfaction changed dramatically depending on whether they completed sentences starting "I'm glad I'm not..." or instead "I wish I was..."
• Gratitude brings freedom from envy, because when you are grateful for what you have, you're not consumed with wanting something different or something more.
• Each day I noted three things for which I was grateful.
• It takes energy, generosity and discipline to be unfailingly lighthearted, yet everyone takes the happy person for granted.
• For many people, fear of what might happen is a source of great unhappiness.
• Use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without.
• People succeed in groups.  Other's successes help us to be more successful.
• A small child typically laughs more than 400 times a day, and an adult-17 times.  
• I vowed to find things funny, to laugh out loud, and to appreciate other people's humor.  No more polite smiling; no more rushing to tell my story before the laughter has died after a friend's funny story; no more reluctance to be joshed and teased.
• To be more agreeable and kind, I needed to use better manners as a conversationalist.  I was a know-it-all: "A really interesting feature of Angela Thirkell's novels is that she sets them in Barsetshire". I was a topper: "you think you had a crazy morning, let me tell you about my morning.  I was a deflator: "you liked that movie? I thought it was kind of boring".
• Giving positive reviews requires humility.

***

I might even work on my own "happiness project", and maybe in a way I already have by starting this blog, by changing careers, by traveling, by trying to be a good friend etc.  In a couple of weeks, I might even go on a weekend  "retreat" that focuses on combining yoga with positive psychology, to get a boost, and expand my clinical knowledge.

What would you do for your happiness project?

I recommend reading the book (seriously, it's a quick read) if you're searching for a good dose of ideas on what might help you to be happier, and even if you only walk away with a few things you've learned, it can't hurt.  

Wishing you and yours an abundance of happiness.

Until next time,

E

The Ethics of Blogging

In my Ethics class we talk about things that span from the obvious questions "Can you have intimate relationships with your patients?" (FYI most definitely not) to less obvious "Should you attend a patient's play if you have help them overcome performance anxiety?" (it depends).

In class yesterday we discussed the ethics of things like being Facebook friends with patients (I'd say no) and what our obligation is as providers (psychotherapists) to keeping our own information private.

I have mixed feelings.  There is a reason that this blog is fairly anonymous and ambiguous about my identity because i'd like to be able to have the freedom to be myself, without worry that clients of mine would stumble upon my musings.  While some people who read this know me well, there are others who may not know me at all.  That is okay with me, I enjoy some anonymity in that sense.

On the other hand, I struggle with things like deciding not going to the local gym where I typically see clients, or changing cafes I frequent since one of my previous clients works at one that I used to go to.

Some things I'm willing to change in my day to day to avoid dual relationships, or to avoid clients knowing "too much about me", but on the other hand I'm not really willing at this point to live under a rock, delete my Facebook account and not blog.  I'm just not.  This may change as I get older, and wiser, but for now I'm keeping them both.

For the respect of myself, and my clients, I hope that I can keep this fairly anonymous so that it may be useful as it is intended (for myself, mainly).

We'll see how this goes.  Jury is still out.  Hopefully though, no jury will be needed.

Until next time,
E

Good Guys Are Not Extinct

A good friend of mine and I were gchatting yesterday and we were catching up after a couple weeks.  We did the usual, "so what's new?" type of conversation just to get each other up to speed.  We typically ask about how work (school for me) is going, some of our mutual friends, music and how dating life is going.  We have similar stories in some ways having been "single" for a little while and have been playing the field.  We've laughed about similar dating successes/defeats and we both seem to just "get" each other's situations.  It's nice.

So he, being a guy, is a good sounding board and I'd hope that I can be the same for him.  Yesterday he was talking to me about this post he read about the state of emergency that is the "lack of quality Twenty-Something men".  I wasn't sure if I should be alarmed, or if I should take a hint that he was telling me to read this.

The girl who submitted the question to the Relationship Blogger in "Are Women Doomed?" actually had a boyfriend, but is asking on behalf of her single friends.  While that irks me I do like about one sentence of her "question":

"(referring to: what leads many women to compromise their standards a great deal just to, at best, secure a male partner who will most likely not meet them intellectually, professionally, and emotionally): I have been through this cycle personally and watch many of my friends continue to be let down or treated so poorly all in the name of young men thinking they can do better without having to try very hard at all."

So what is nice to know, is that there are other Twenty-Something women out there that are who have been passed over by guys that they like, despite being an awesome catch.  What we've known for a long time is boys will be boys, and the age of the men we're interested in is in some senses a glorified version of adolescence.

Don't get me wrong, I actually like the playful nature of the guys I've been interested in who are in their later 20's, but this "thinking they can do better" thing can be tough to navigate.  In all fairness I think that goes both ways.  We women also think we can do better, and in some cases this is definitely true.  As you know I'm anti-settling.

The response from the Relationship Expert pointed out that she doesn't think that much has changed, or that women are at more of a disadvantage than they used to be.  She argues that we'd be remiss to dismiss the benefits of having women who are educated, discerning, able to have careers, live on their own, and still be viable at say 28 (she uses her age)...all for the ease of finding a guy.  I totally agree.  I'd much rather have the opportunity to nail down a career that feels important to me, what I spend literally 24% of my week doing...and get to "nailing down" a guy once my career is stable.

But with that said, gals like me who are working on their career and haven't settled down with a significant other, need to accept this.  Starting a family later is not the end of the world, and may well result in better marriages for us and a stronger sense of self given the longer time to individuate and grow.   That isn't to say that women who find "the one" early and move forward in that sense are wrong by any means, but, for those of us who stress about finding the one, we just need to learn some patience or date guys who are in their mid-thirties.

The original story that was quoted in the article that my friend sent me was on the Wall Street Journal called "Where Have the Good Men Gone?".  This gives a nice in depth look at some of the factors that may contribute to the extinction of the ready to have a committed relationship, and put down the PS2 controller twenty-something guy.  

Ladies, take this all with a grain of salt.  If it helps you to feel better about why you are (or are not) single, then, go for it.  If it makes you feel pessimistic and hopeless, then I'd say disregard it.  

As for the men who probably won't even read this, but in the off chance you do...have your fun, take trips to Vegas with your college boys, but don't forget about what you want long term.  Your friends will (or already have started to) wise up and settle down. It is important to keep in mind so you don't end up 37, sitting alone on a Saturday (or even a Tuesday) night watching TV, thinking it might be a good idea to call the local chat line for singles in your area.  

Maybe that fun/cute/smart/funny girl you've been "talking to", that you typically might pass over for something more, is just what you'll need and want.

Anyway, I thought the posts were interesting, and were shown to me by a guy friend no less. He's actually one of the good ones...so I know first hand his kind isn't extinct (maybe just an endangered species?)!

Until next time,
E

Transitioning to flip-flops

So every year, I get very excited to bust out my painted toenails and wear open toed shoes, cute flats, sandals, flip-flops (or thongs to my overseas readers) and back in the days of childhood, jellies.

With this excitement on the first really warmish day (like today) I decide to wear my favorite sandals from the last sunny season.  The issue with this is my feet have been protected in socks, and thick wool socks at that, from the pains of straps and shoes cutting into various places on my feet (or between my toes).  Ouch. 

Not only was I eager to wear these flip-flops, but I also decided I’d like to go for a really long walk to do errands and end up at my favorite coffee shop in my old stomping grounds.  Here I am, I still have to walk to get home and my feet are asking me why I didn't slowly transition to flip-flops.  You know, those short running to the 7/11 on the corner type of trips.

So heed the warning.  Work your way up to marathon-like walking events in strappy, flippy, really cute shoes.  

Ah well, I can’t really complain, I’ll take some pain for this beautiful weather.  Bring on the springtime…I'll take it over a really long winter and the trials and tribulations I have with boots.

And after all, at least I have shoes, so I got that going for me, which is nice.

Until next time,

E

Kiss me, I'm a Cashew.

Well, I'm a quarter Irish.  My Dad was half English and half Irish and my mom's side is mostly from Russia and they're Jewish.  I wasn't lying when I called myself a mutt!  I like to refer to myself as a Cashew (Catholic Jew) although, really I'm more of like an Irenglijew, or maybe a Potato Latke makes more sense, but I'll stick with Cashew.  Don't they say "Everybody loves and Irish (Jewish) girl"?


I would say that if you looked at me you would likely think I was Irish since I have a fair complexion (I don't get the darkest tan on this hot bod, unfortunately), freckles (which I've grown to appreciate more), my face gets a little red when I drink and I look damn good in a kilt (I'd imagine).  


Most people don't assume I'm Jewish despite other clues that would indicate so, but I strongly identify with my Irish/English portion of myself (the top half? who knows).  


As a kid I was enthralled by gaelic music and wanted to be an Irish Step-dancer like you can't believe.  I would pretend to step in my living room and I'm pretty sure I was as good as River Dance, if I had a bit of training.  I've kissed the Blarney Stone in Ireland giving me the gift of Gab - which I obviously didn't need more of...but I do have this connection to feeling Irish, as it is a strong portion of my genetics.


As we all know that today, on St. Patrick's Day, everyone is Irish.  I think there s something pretty cool about the fact that people get so into St. Patrick's Day.  I mean I'm not so into the mysticism that the holiday is based on (the casting out of the snakes by Mr. Pat himself), but there is a unifying force around this time of year...I can't put my finger on it...beer.  


Liquid courage.  Social Lubrication.  This is one of the pillars of St. Patrick's Day that most people get excited for, and also to wear green and pretend they see leprechauns.  Okay, maybe people don't pretend to see leprechauns but I'm pretty sure this week I've seen a few close contenders, they seem to come out of the woodwork (you know, from in trees) around this time of year.


Let's celebrate something we don't know much about, but feel really connected to since our ancestors apparently survived the potato famine!  So, if you are at work, be productive so you can get out on time...if you're not working (and of age!) head to your local irish pub and drink a green beer or many (I don't condone binge drinking...much).  


Erin Go Bragh! Slainte!


Until next time,
E

Like a fine wine

I did a project for one of my classes recently about working with the geriatric, or better named “older adult”, population.  I haven’t actually worked with this population in a clinical setting, but my project partner had, and I learned a lot about it.  What was interesting was how working with them is different than younger adults and children, but how it is also very similar.

We all have some preconceived notions about what it is to be old based upon our experiences of older people in our lives, what we see on TV and who we get stuck behind at the grocery store when they are paying by check.  Some of the stereotypes of older people are based upon realities of peoples’ physical bodies changing and getting older, their minds changing with age and sometimes the challenging loss of ability to care for themselves…

…but not all older people deteriorate in this way and most are actually much happier than we assume.

So why is it that our culture treats older people as nuisances, that they are typically sad and thus depressing and less important to our communities?  Ultimately with the baby boomers getting older, health care and the country's financial state are (and will continue to be) kind of strained and people always have feelings about these things.  Well I'd also argue that part of it is just the exponential growth of technology.  It makes a more concrete barrier between older generations, and us, which continues to make them seem less connected, and in a sense older.

My grandmother has Facebook, but admits she doesn’t really know how to use it.  One of my cousins or I will help her navigate it the next time, but she is pretty hip to start with to even want to use it.  I think she will probably be able to figure it out, also because she is a social person by nature.  I was on the phone with her last night trying to coordinate seeing her today, and she said, “I have to get on there, it’s how people connect these days.”  I give her credit, it probably seems like a big undertaking, but frankly I think she’d like it once she understands it.  We have a lot of extended family on Facebook and it’s a nice way to see how people are doing all over the country, and across generations.

What is amazing about people my grandmother’s age is their stories, their sense of humor, the fact that you get sent home with homemade food whether you need it or not (though it’s always welcomed)…

My (Jewish, mind you) grandparents are really funny.  My grandmother is very much looking forward to great grand children I take it, so I get the “I know a guy that would be good for you, he’s so and so’s grandson, he’s a sweet boy, and very cute” and the like...My grandfather cracks mediocre adult jokes that he laughs his belly laugh at, and you can't really help but laugh too.

Their hearts are absolutely in the right place, they want me to be happy, they want me to meet a guy they feel is worthy of me (since I’m awesome overall, obviously) and ultimately they can’t help but scheme about match making.  Grandparents do this…it is kind of their job.

But really, the reason that older adults are important is they are what connects us to the past, they connect us to an understanding of why things are how they are now and they are endlessly full of wisdoms that  we can't possibly have based upon our years.  

As I’ve gotten older myself, my appreciation for my grandparents, and also my patience with older people, has grown.

Someday, God willing, I’ll be an old person and I’ll be damned if I’m not respected and tolerated simply because I have (more) gray hair and walk a little slower.  I think that ultimately my respect has grown for my grandparents because not only are they good people, but also they helped shape my mother and in turn helped shaped me.

The sad reality is that as I get older, so are they.  It’s hard to hear things like “Well when I’m gone, do you want this (insert some family heirloom)?” and things of that nature.  I mean the reality is, some day I’ll be faced with the loss of my grandparents, and if you are lucky enough to still have grandparents at this point, you will too.

For those of you who have lost a grandparent or in the case you didn’t know them at all, you can probably appreciate the fragility of life and maybe you even respect older adults more as a result. 

The reason I felt inspired to write about this was a full heart as a result of taking time out of my vacation to pop in and see my grandparents.  It was great to see them and and see how much they appreciate gestures like that.  I'm lucky that they are both pretty healthy and mentally intact, dementia and Alzheimer's are another challenge altogether, and would be another blog entry entirely.  

So go.  Time is of the essence.  Take time to call your grandparents or the elders in your life.  Ask them to tell you a story about something from their childhood or about when they met their spouse, or where they were when something monumental happened in the news.    If they are mentally compromised, or no long alive, maybe dig up family photos or ask people who knew them for these stories.  It will make them feel good and appreciated, and you can learn something from them while they can still be teachers to you.

And you know what they say, like a fine wine some things get better with age.  I think this is truer than we realize.

Until next time,

E

Check out this blogpost: http://grumpyoldken.blogsp
ot.com/2011/03/arise-sir-ben-or-should-it-be-saint-ben.html

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appreciating life and the human condition

So, I'm in a fantastic mood today,
                    it is a beautiful almost spring day,
               I went for a long run this morning,
          I got some errands done,
     I danced around my room while cleaning listening to blaring music (don't judge),
and I'll be heading out in a few hours to hang with some of my great friends and have a drink or several...

...but I have been thinking about how intense things have been in the world lately.  Maybe technically it is not more than usual, but it has felt a bit unsettling.

I mean really.  Doesn't it feel like a lot is going on?

Between the health care BS, the WI union BS, NPR getting "in trouble" and the crazies who are starting to  surface to run for president;  I started thinking what other country should I move to?  Although there is a lot going on elsewhere too.

Just in the last couple of months, so many people have been fighting and suffering.  All the unrest in the northern African countries as they overthrow their generation old regimes, the tornado/flooding that had been going on in Australia/New Zealand, and the most recent tragedy of the earthquake and tsunami that hit Japan at the end of this week.  Clearly there are even more things going on here and abroad that are worrying.

With the natural disasters of the last few years, some people must be fearful of the end of the Mayan calendar in 2012.

I don't actually think this is the apocalypse, but the times we're living in feel pretty heavy these days.  I mean especially how sad the situation is in Japan, it can be overwhelming.  I think that it is important that we stand for causes, that we be educated about the world and that we can help others...however, the weight of the world is a bit too heavy sometimes.

Ultimately I still have to live my life, continue with my responsibilities and get through my own day.

So I had to shift my perspective in order to not ruin my mood or to paralyze me by getting stuck in the feeling of being overwhelmed by the wrongs in the world.  While I was out for my run, I focused on my happiness and appreciation for my life, that the sun that was out, for the ability in my body to run and the safety of my community.

We've all heard "live in the moment", especially from people who have experienced major loss or scary life changes.  To build on this I'd argue we need to do more balancing of our energy/focus of being concerned about the tough things with appreciating the good things.  This balance provides us the mental/emotional capacity to take action for a cause when needed, compartmentalize when we need to function, grieve when it is needed and also to appreciate and see the abundance of moments when life. is. good.

I think we could all be better at remembering that our frustrations or disappointments are not the end of the world, and that we would benefit from appreciating life and the human condition more.

So I'll assume we have more time than the Mayans said we do, because I have lot more appreciating left to do.

Take some time and focus on the good in your life, today at the very least!

Until next time,
E

Go Shoeless - April 5th, 2011

Okay, so I’ve talked about the fact that I’m not sure that I know what causes I want to back or support, but this one has kind of come up and has triggered me to want to talk about it.

First watch this video here: One Day Video or click below.

The video lists the following tidbits of information:

-       In some developing nations, children must walk for miles to food, clean water and to seek medical help.

-       Cuts and sores on feet can lead to serious infection.

-       Often children can not attend school barefoot.

-       In Ethiopia, approximately one million people are suffering from Podoconiosis (a debilitating and disfiguring disease caused by walking barefoot in volcanic soil).

-       Podoconiosis is 100% preventable with basic foot hygiene & wearing shoes.

The premise of the event is that on April 5^th, people should go barefoot in order to raise awareness of those who are unable to afford shoes, don’t have access to shoes, or are already suffering from the ramifications of not having shoes.

So I thought about how it would be to not have shoes, and it was tough.  I really had a hard time imagining this as a reality.

I mean sure, we’ve heard our grandparents' stories of walking to school up hill, both ways, in the snow, with no shoes, or shoes with newspaper soles…but let’s get real, this was like 70 years ago, and these are kids who are suffering now, with no hopes of the American Dream or pulling themselves up by their non existent bootstraps. Not to mention how many shoes we all have for work, play, occasions, for poor weather, for nice weather,etc.

Then I thought about what this movement is asking.  Go a day without shoes.  Not a week, not a month, not a year, not your lifetime.  A day.  I looked at the calendar and realized, the event is happening on a Tuesday.  Subconsciously I must have hoped for a Saturday or something, because I was greatly disappointed.  On Tuesdays I’m at school which is part of a medical school which would most definitely not allow me to be barefoot.  

Hmm.  So I can’t do this based upon basic laws of health, safety, sanitation, etc. Interesting...

...and if I'm being completely honest, the only time going barefoot in the city sounds like a good idea is maybe at 2am when my heels start to hurt.  It is not an ideal way to spend your day (worried where you're stepping, broken glass everywhere, temperature is cold/hot, people stepping on your toes on the bus, etc).  

I mean these are mild complaints compared to what the video listed, but based upon our lives, these are things we would want to put up with...even though by comparison these are annoyances.

BAM.  Reason enough to be concerned about this and that moved me into thinking about how we can be creative about this.  The guy who told me about this event is trying to figure out how he can implement this also. He might have to settle on flip flops based upon where he works, but really, this is actually HARD to do here (here is anywhere if you have access to a computer, Internet and are reading this).

So while I ask you readers questions all the time and sometimes they are rhetorical and sometimes I get a response, I’m asking and looking for some concrete ideas.  How can we spread the word?  How do we raise awareness?  Most importantly, how do we show the gravity of this if we can't go barefoot?  

I'm so struck by the irony that we can’t easily be barefoot in our society, and there are millions of people who don't have a choice but to be without shoes. Please share your ideas and share this post!  

For more information on how you can get involved, please check out the official site: http://www.onedaywithoutshoes.com/

Until next time,

E

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Run E, Run

I run.  I do.

I run to catch the bus, I run into my apartment building from the rain and I run for exercise. 

The problem with running is the whole running thing.

I mean, don’t get me wrong. Beautiful days like today, I’m excited to go for a run and I always feel good after…

But it appears that I need help with motivation.

I’ll be good for a month, where I’ll run a lot, and then I’ll plateau or get derailed and then loose my footing with exercise completely. I wish I could say “I’m a runner”.  I have a lot of friends who are like it is in their blood – they run marathons and can’t go a day without running or they feel out of whack…that isn’t quite the level I’m on, although I’d love to be that person.

I’ve tried other things.  I’m convinced the elliptical doesn’t do anything for my body no matter how hard I pedal, how fast I pedal or how high the incline is.  I’ve tried swimming (I love swimming) but it’s a huge pain, and the whole wet hair things doesn’t work half the year when it is sub zero.  I’ve tried some classes and really, I lose interest in them even quicker than running.  I like biking, but with the weather it’s less practical sometimes, and also due to the distance you need to go to make it a worthwhile exercise it feels like a big undertaking for daily usage.  Exhibit A of excuse after excuse to not exercise, right?

So you guessed it, I’m left with running.  Like I said, I like running. I notice changes in my body including increased strength, feeling healthy, weight loss, etc.  All of the desirable affects from exercise that one looks for.  But then I lose focus, I lose interest, I get bored and I get lazy.

So what I need are some tips.  Tips to stay motivated, tips to push myself, tips to overcome the boredom that comes with running…etc.

What do you do to keep yourself going?  What has been the most helpful for you?

Okay, I’m off to change and head out for a run in the sun, which I have been doing more this week…we’ll see how long this good habit lasts this time around.

Until next time,

E

10 things I've learned from The Bachelor

Last night I was having dinner with some long time friends, and a quasi-heated debate ensued about who Brad is going to pick in the final episode of The Bachelor.  I mean, obviously there are different points of view, but for the sake of this blog, I’ll be giving mine.

For those of you who don’t know the options:Chantal, 28, an executive assistant from Seattle, WA - Fun, very pretty, dark and exotic, her parents are uber wealthy and “attractive” if you like plastic.  Brad seems to want to bang her.

Emily, 24, a children's hospital event planner from Charlotte, NC - Sweet, southern, blond, has a 5 year old daughter (fiancé died in a plane crash about 6 years ago, then she found out she was pregnant), Brad seems to “love” her.

This is the classic light vs. dark, goodie two shoes vs. vixen, sweet vs. spicy.  So who is he going to pick?
Well, I’d like to think he picks Emily since it seems like he has “genuine” (I’ll get to this in a second), feelings about her, however a child is tough to buy into when you’ve known a woman for a few weeks or so…I'll put a steak in the ground and say he picks her because I'd be happy with it.

This brings me to what I’ve learned from watching The Bachelor:

1. I'm educated yet can get sucked into bad reality TV
2. True love is not likely to be found on a reality television show, unless of course it’s on Love Connection
3. True love is not something you acquire from group dates with some making out and crying sessions peppered in
4. Being in a tropical/romantic location can brain wash you to thinking you love someone you don’t know
5. The concept that this could culminate in a successful, loving union are minimal, however it is embarrassing how captivating it is week in and week out
6. Girls can be jealous, catty, bitchy and crazy (I’ll use the term loosely) and rightfully so when there are 20+ of them pitched against one another with the goal of “Love”
7. Rose ceremonies are anxiety provoking, which seems ridiculous when I write it down
8. It is a glorified version of the show NEXT (possibly a redeeming factor)
9. Straight guys should not watch The Bachelor, as they may not want to date woman afterwards for fear of how they get.  Women should not watch The Bachelor, as they may not want to be friends with other single women for fear of how they get, or they may be convinced they should go on The Bachelor
10.  Never go on The Bachelor, unless of course you have career enhancing ulterior motives

Well with that said, I look forward to the finale, so I can be done with the show for the time being. Go team Emily!

Until next time,
E

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I'm a Mac, mutt.

I’m sad. I can’t find my glasses. I think I left them in an office at internship. I’m partially sad because it means that I’m starting to get a headache from looking at my computer for the last couple of hours writing a report. The other part of me is sad because I’m in a coffee shop, and without my rectangular, dark purple plastic framed glasses I don’t look like I belong here.

Okay that might be a bit dramatic, but I do feel like I look more the part when I wear my glasses when I do work in coffee shops.

Today I landed at a Starbucks on one of the main drags here in the city that is packed. This was anticipated, as it is par for the course on a partially sunny, but cold, Saturday.

When I walked in there were no seats available, but as you know if you’ve ever been to a coffee shop, the rotation in and out of chairs happens fairly quickly if you’re patient, and stealthy. It is a lesson in human behavior as you scan the room to see who is finishing their coffee, who is packing up some of their work materials, and who is chatting and will be there for hours. Sometimes you’re even psyched out by someone packing up but isn’t willing to leave just yet. “Are you leaving?”, “Um no.” Awkward.

So, I got in line to order my venti (which my mom would say “large” as she wont pander to their lexicon) coffee (iced because I was hot from walking the couple miles here, since it’s “nice out”, though now I’m freezing). I was up next and clearly still scanning the Bux and I spotted a man who was packing up his bag at the corner of a long old wooden table. In a moment I had to decide a) wait longer in line after, but have a seat, or b) get my coffee and hope another seat opens.

Well, I dashed for the seat, however it’s slightly disappointing as my back is facing the rest of the shop (not good feng shui) so it is not optimal for people watching. I’m at a group table though, so it’s at least not boring when I take a break from looking at my screen.

Anyway, so I got my coffee, while someone watched my stuff. While sitting here, several people have rotated in and out, and often the person sitting next to you will say “will you watch this?” as they either get another coffee, something to snack on or are finally using the bathroom after a half hour of doing the leg shake after a big coffee.

It’s interesting that in this community, it’s “safe” to do that. I mean I can’t think of may places I would leave a laptop, a phone, my bag, my jacket etc, and walk away from them. I am pretty hesitant to do that even here, but there is this feeling of safety in the community here. You just kind of assume that the people doing work in a Starbucks are well to do enough they don’t need your Mac with a crack in the apple on the front.

Speaking of Macs.

I was at another coffee shop this week doing some work, and it was a smaller independent shop. There was a point when I looked around, and I was one of LITERALLY 9 people with the same silver MacBooks open in front of them. Keep in mind there are only seats for probably 20 people, and the remaining people were reading. I’d surmise their silver Mac was sitting in their North Face backpack or FEED bag. I had my glasses that day, and I realized how much of a hipster I must have looked like in the context of this place…and how much I have bought into this “club” by having a Mac.

Now today, in a more mainstream shop, there are computers of all types, but still the majority is silver MacBooks. At my table alone only 1 (out of the 5 computers) is something else (What is an Asus?). I vacillate from being happy to be part of the seemingly in-crowd, to being kind of embarrassed that I’ve bought into the BS.

I mean don’t get me wrong, I love my Mac, and part of me still wants an iPhone even though I’m pretty sure my Droid Incredible is “better”, but why do I even like it? Well I can feed you the lines about how it’s sooo user friendly, fluid, it’s nice to work on, and pretty and bla bla bla. I mean yeah, I believe all of those things, but most of it is the cache, if we’re being frank.

Relevant Breaking News: Another silver Mac was just brought out onto the table by the guy next to (hi if you can read this, guy, nice satchel). The ratio now 1:5.

Now am I saying that I feel like people who don’t have Macs are different or less? No way, actually not at all if anything that seems to be more unique and a statement these days. However, what it does mean is that there is this sense of “community” between Mac users that is either something special or completely fabricated. Or both. Either way, it’s kind of silly.

Maybe for that reason alone I’ll stick to my guns about my Droid.

Don’t get me started on iPads. They may be fun and cool, but really? Like I need another thing that is touch screen, that can break, that is annoying to type on and is awkwardly sized that I look more pretentious using it than my MacBook.

Okay, sorry, I know saying anything anti-Apple, may get me blacklisted, but I said it. I think iPads are iStupid.

But, regardless - I’m a Mac, mutt. As is true with the rest of my life, I have a collage of traits and attributes that are from various and sometimes conflicting backgrounds and my technology patterns seem to not be the exception to this rule.

Okay, enough about my rant. Battery is dying, I have a headache, and this venti has officially gone through me.

Until next time,
E

A blog is worth a thousand views

I had a 7^th grade English teacher that said, “You never start a thank you note with ‘Thank you’.  Instead you write about what you are thankful for, and then you conclude with ‘thank you’.”  I think that there is value in that in order to value what you are thinking them for, versus being self serving - but I think when it’s genuine and spilling out of your heart, you can’t help but start there.

So first of all I want to say thank you to those of you who have read my posts thus far (at time of post 1028 views).  Maybe there are 10 of you that have read my blog 100 times, or maybe 100 of you that have read 10 posts.  Either way, thank you.  You don’t have to read them but you’ve chosen to (even if it is out of sheer morbid curiosity of what someone writes when they have a blog). 

Part of me is kind of like, “Really E? Who has a blog these days?”, but interestingly enough I have several people in my life who have blogs that range in topic, use, purpose, etc.  I’ve recently had a conversation with someone who is also writing a very intelligent blog relating to something very specific to their area of study/likely future career.  While our style and topic set are different there was some knowing that we shared in that conversation.  We both knew what it was like to put ourselves on display, have some feelings of responsibility to keep the ride going and ultimately to perform well.

Depending upon if this is your first entry you’ve read or not, you probably will have noticed that my writing ranges from being vague and not personal to very personal.  I’ve put myself on display in a way and I guess it’s been some kind of experiment to see what happens when what runs around in my head is published into the infinite space that is the web. 

There is some freeing in typing something out and hitting “publish” and letting it sit out in the nothingness.  Sometimes I get concrete feedback and sometimes the only feedback I get is that 30-60 people read the post (blogger is nice and tracks views per post for you).  Either way, there is something validating about putting your “stuff” out there and sharing it.

There is some fear in it also.  My thoughts and feelings are out there.  You can see them in black and white, per se.  I mean obviously I’m not opening myself up enough to the world so that it is harmful for me, but it is still a vulnerable position to be in. 

You may notice, or you may not, that my voice is really in all that I write.  Whether or not I’m ranting about my horoscope or if I’m being really vulnerable and sharing something as close to home as a piece of myself, my voice is always in it.  Doing this, is something I value for myself, and based upon the feedback from my last post, I have said some things that have struck a chord in others. 

My last post, was probably as close to my core as I’m willing to go here, and I hope that the depth of what was going on was apparent but that I was also trying to maintain respect and confidence of those in my life, and even those who have passed away.  I don’t know how often I’ll get to that level, but the feedback I’ve gotten has been really moving.

I’ve received messages ranging from people who I went to middle school with and haven’t spoken to in ages thanking me for sharing, friends and family letting me know that I was being thought of and I even was told by a handful of people that I made them cry at work (sorry!).   But other than an ego boost, what this shows me is really that, even here on this blog, people are seeking to connect.  Ultimately, I’m seeking to connect.

I’m an honest person; I’m fairly open in “real life”, and at the risk of you knowing maybe a little more than you may care to, there is some benefit to my sharing.  So in staying true to being honest, I feel like the bar has now been set pretty high.  I haven't posted in a week because I feel uneasy about posting something meaningless or less powerful than when I shared about something that is very close to my heart that is also currently challenging in my life.   Really I only shared it due to the timing in my life versus wanting to be open and share.  I’m not sure that the rawness that you read will be a frequent occurrence, and as a result there is part of me, the perfectionist part perhaps, that feels like if my posts don’t hit home the same way then they aren’t as valuable.

I guess what this blog is supposed to serve as is a livejournal (haha, remember those?) of the 2010’s era, and if that is the case then it doesn’t matter if this post does or doesn’t move you.  Much like in therapy the process and the relationship is often what is healing in itself versus the technique or what is actually said.  In the act of me continuing to write the connection between myself and whoever reads this can grow regardless of what window I'm opening and letting you see into

…and like someone recently said to me “well, you never know what someone will connect with” I guess they are right, those opportunities are endless and boundless.  While I’m pretty sure that people’s lives won’t be forever changed based upon a post about texting mishaps, I'll probably still keep writing about things like that - so bear with me!

Until next time (and thank you again),

E

Daddy Issues.

Or mommy issues.  I suppose in some respects we all have them.  We can't be unaffected by those that raised us, or didn't raise us in some cases.

While I can poke fun at some Freudian psychobabble, I do think that we all have residual affects of our relationship, or lack of relationship, with those that are our "parents".

In this respect my story is at the highest level no different than yours, no better, no worse, just another variation of the parent-child dynamic that we all have in some shape or form.

I'm going to do my best to not make this post too heavy, too revealing and therefore counter productive and leaving me feeling exposed, but I do feel it is important to get this out.  For me.  Feel free to stop reading here, the rest of this post is ultimately for my own cathartic purposes to send into the abyss to relieve some of the weight.

****

Four years ago tomorrow, I was getting off a plane that had flown through a snow storm, that landed in England.  One of my sisters picked me up and brought me straight to the hospital.  It wasn't clear how much time was left, or if it was too late.

We arrived at the hospital and I remember the hallways, the lights, the surprising quiet that filled the white space, and the sound of our feet walking closer and closer to my destination.

I walked in the room where an unrecognizable old man was laying, mouth open and eyes closed.  By the monitor I new he was still alive, by the tattoo on his arm, I knew he was my dad.

I had not seen him since I was about 8, when he left to move back to England.  He was a drinker and an angry man which combined was expressed as violence.  He not a good man to my mother and she finally said "enough".  He chose to go back to where he was from instead of staying and paying child support, which was probably for the better as he was not a well man, mentally.  So while it was safer for him to be in England, for an 8 year old to lose her father, you can imagine the pain, anger and confusion that would be experienced.

For his crazy ways and unsound mind - we lost touch, my mom and I moved, changed our phone number, etc.  While my older siblings who live in the UK had some contact with him for a time, he soon alienated himself from them as well.

About 14 years after he left, my grandparents got a phone call from a hospital in the UK, looking for me, his listed next of kin.  After my grandparents/mom got a hold of me, I was on the phone with the hospital finding out that my father, who was then 72 years old, was in the very final stages of bladder cancer, and that he was refusing pain medication.

This is funny for a few reasons, but really only if you knew him.  He was such a stubborn ass that he wanted to suffer, wanted to refuse help, and even with days left in him, was only convinced once my siblings (who I had to call and tell that our father was dying, yet they lived in the same city as he did) arrived at the hospital (about 36 hours before I was able to get there).

They told him I was coming.  They said that his eyes lit up and he knew that I was coming.  He then accepted the morphine and slipped under in a medication induced coma-like state.  I know he waited for me.

He died about 3 hours after I landed and held his hand. I told him I forgave him for the pain he caused us all and that I had turned out well.

The week of his passing was like out of a movie, with laughing, crying, drinking, and celebrating the crazy man he was with my siblings (they are technically half siblings, different mom, same dad, but in my heart they are full).  We gave him a muslim burial as that was his faith he adopted (not any of ours) and we honored him in ways he couldn't have done for himself.  The muslim community he was in was very welcoming and treated us like family.

As much as it was painful, and like losing him again, I honestly can say it was a beautiful experience that not only brought further closure, but brought a closeness with my siblings that I truly cherish.  There were so many events that occurred that week in England that I couldn't write them all for time and space reasons, but also feel like they are sacred.

So fast forward to 4 years later and I am thinking about him.  Thinking about what the implications of having a father like he was, and losing him, and then losing him again.

These emotions, thoughts, feelings etc - are heightened due to another anticipated loss.  Some of you may know this but last year my mom and I found out that my step-dad has terminal bone cancer.  My step-dad who I typically refer to as my dad when speaking about my family, was really the father who raised me from childhood until adulthood with my wonderful mother.  While they've had their challenges he was part of what made our family whole again, for most of my life.

The details of this I won't go into, because they're painful, and the situation is still on going, but he has pulled away from us in only what can be interpreted as attempting to protect us from seeing him suffer, which you can imagine is hard for us.  We know very little about how he is doing and very little about what that means in terms of timing.  He is currently past the "date" of the prognosis he was given, so I suppose this is all borrowed time.  Unfortunately, much like my biological father, when the goings get tough, well, these guys aren't so tough I suppose and they literally get going.

We don't have any update since Thanksgiving and the waiting is a constant weight on me, and my mother.  We are challenged to keep our lives moving forward without him, knowing that we'll lose him all over again with his final day.

Despite it all, I keep it together and live my life well and manage to function, have fun, plan for my future (which is sad in some senses), enjoy things in the moment and everything in between.

However, it is a day like tomorrow that reminds me that I've lost, and that I have more of that ahead.

Considering it all I'd say that I turned out okay, really more than okay.  I have managed to find great strength through these things, and have a wonderful support system of friends and family that I owe many thanks for.

We all have suffered losses, and as we grow they become more and more inevitable...this thing called the human condition is something that is challenging, but beautiful if we allow it to be.

Thanks for reading and allowing me to let go of some of the sadness by expressing some of this hardship.  Please keep my family, my step-dad and me in your thoughts, and I'll keep you and yours in mine.

Health and happiness to all.

Until next time,
E

Oh, I'll get to that later.

Since I already tipped my hat to Valentine's Day I'll skip doing a post where I could quote Bublé's "I just haven't met you yet" OR to cover my bases if I do in fact know "him" already - Salt 'n Peppa's "Do you really want me baby? Let me know...".


Instead I'll talk about something that is much more relevant in my life right now.

Procrastination.

I am a master at it.  I'm so good at it, I'm even productive when I'm procrastinating.  I will sometimes get things done that have no urgency (a blog post, perhaps) before I do things that need to get completed with a more definite timeline (such as homework, due this week).

On the flip side, depending upon what it is - it always depends* - I will only be able to do it when it's down the to wire.  Typically these are things like annoying assignments that are not interesting or studying for an exam.


I have great intentions to do things well before the point of cram sessions, or for instance, weeks past when my inspection sticker is no longer valid (was up in January - oops, this thaw might help me get her out of her snowbank, finally).  I am a list maker which helps me stay more on track than if I had no list, yet there are some things that never seem to make their way off the list like getting a new ink cartridge for my printer, or following up on a Honda recall (that's minor I think, but my poor car, I apparently neglect her).


I'm not sure why certain things get done and other's don't.  Sometimes the most stressful and challenging things I'll be inspired to get done first and rip it off like a band-aid (did you know that Band-Aid is the brand name, not the actual name of the adhesive bandage type?), and other times it's the easy, mindless things that I do a bunch of to feel accomplished.


There isn't really a rhyme or reason but in any event the spell of procrastination is at work.


I guess it comes down to that I'd much rather enjoy not doing something I have to, now, than dragging it out and working on it for ages and probably finishing it the same time I would if I did it under the wire.


Something better just always seems to come along.  My friend calls and coaxes me to grab a bite/drink, or see a movie or catch up about the goings on of the last week or so.  Something really good (i.e., Millionaire Matchmaker marathon, or Bear Grylls' Man vs. Wild <swoon>) comes on, and obviously my reading for class or writing for a case presentation suddenly can be done later.  You get the point.


The saying we've all heard is, "Procrastination is like masturbation; in the end you're just fucking yourself."  Well there is some truth to this, and I could go off on a tangent here...but for the sake of not knowing who my readers are exactly, I'll just ambiguously say sometimes it's better than the alternative...oh, and procrastinating too.


Ha.


Well with that, I'm off to maybe do some homework, maybe watch some TV and maybe not do either of these things.


I'll leave you with this my top 10 reasons I procrastinate:
10. I'd rather do something else.
9. I'd rather do anything else.
8.


The rest of the list? Oh, I'll get to that later.


Until next time,
E


*It depends: one of the most consistent answers to any clinical question asked of a professor/supervisor. Shout out to my fellow classmates who are procrastinating by reading this.

Music that makes your heart sing even when you don't know the words

I wrote this post last night, but didn't get a chance to post it until this morning.  So forgive me for the late night writing and what that brings (though I clearly don't edit my posts very much, ever).

******
So I just got home from a concert in town, and it was fantastic.  The genre was reggae/rap, but that description really doesn't do it justice.  For any nay-sayers OR people interested in good music, please check all these guys out out (here are a few of my pics from the show):

 Fear Nuttin Band

Mambo Sauce (the girl will be
uber famous one day, quote me

and 1000% check out SOJA

Anyway, I had some epiphanies and I'm pretty sure it had nothing to do with the PBR tall-boys they were serving.

Music is a godsend.  I mean really there are very few things, if anything that can bring people together in such a bountifully joyous way.

There are aspects of religion that come close for some, but due to how charged that can be, I'd say music is even more pure, in a sense.  I mean we're not talking the Britney's or Katy Perry's of the industry or something (while I do enjoy that on occasion, don't judge), but what I'm saying is soulful music, music that moves you, music that makes your heart sing even when you don't know the words.

It was that kind of night.  I felt like everything was crystalized around me, and no I don't mean because of the contact high that I may or may not have gotten.  Really the type of music and the crowd's enthusiasm was inspiring and I felt plugged in.

As much as the being at the show was fantastic, I was aware that I am inching towards concert-going extinction.  Not that I'll ever stop going to concerts, but that I'm closer to being the creepy woman in the back of the show who knows all the words.  Not to mention that almost all the people at the show looked as if they were 18, maybe 20 at best, but were all wearing the orange wrist "I can drink" band that I was.  Even though I work with 18-22 year olds, I still have a hard time figuring out people's ages.  They just all look so young, even at 22.

Speaking of the people I work with, I saw a client.  It's interesting to see them in the wild, as I'm sure it is for them to see me (their therapist).  I say that really in an endearing way, because I think there is a lot to learn about how people are in their lives versus "on my couch".  I'm not sure if I was seen tonight, but I wasn't doing anything crazy that I'd be worried that they saw me. I did my best to not cross direct paths in order for it to not be awkward or so that I didn't have to hide the PBR I was drinking but I let myself not worry too much about it so I could enjoy the show. I have a life and I'm allowed to do things even if it means I see my clients from time to time.

Anyway.

While my ears are ringing, sounds are slightly dulled and my feet are aching from standing and dancing all night in my Street Walker Black Boots; I feel good.  Bob Marley said it best, "One good thing about music, when it hits you feel no pain".

Live music is always rejuvenating and enjoyable essentially no matter what it is.  For this frequent flier of concerts, it has actually been a while since I got a good dose.  I think my soul needed it.

What shows have you seen recently that moved you?

Until next time,
E