Don't hate the player.

Okay, okay we all know how this one goes.  I don't actually consider myself the victim of the game, at this point.  I think really, if anything, I've have managed to play the game pretty well myself in dating, hanging out, talking, smooshing (wish I didn't love the Jersey Shore - don't judge), or whatever you call it these days.

It's not that there isn't enjoyment that comes from the game, or that I haven't enjoyed singledom for the last bit (okay, kind of a lot a bit) of time, but there does come a point where I have to say, "enough already, I'm over it".  Dating around, after a while, is like having another job. It's like house hunting except for the fact that this is also when the house can decide if it wants you to buy it.  This process is fun, like I said, but tiring, expensive (more so for the dude, typically) and can be quite disappointing.  

I've gone through phases of time where I'm definitely not looking for something more than a good time, some nice chats, and whatever will keep me entertained for the time being. My first year of being single (after a long relationship) I was kind of out to just survey the lands...however, lately there has been a shift in this. I'd say in the last 6 months I've been much more authentic, less driven by "man hunting" and significantly more choosy with who I focus my energy on.  

I was having a conversation recently, with I forget who (sorry), and we were talking about how the only thing in our lives we can't really have control over is finding that person we ultimately connect with.  I mean we can do all the right things like be the best person we are, get our hair cut in a cute style (ha), go out and be open to talking to new people, seeking new avenues to meet people, etc, but we can't force a connection.  We can't make ourselves meet someone.  It just happens.  In the mean time we do our best to make it fun and entertaining and as fulfilling as possible.

We can make a lot of other things happen for ourselves.  We can work very hard and excel in our fields, jobs, careers and education.  We can seek out new exciting things like adventure and travel.  We can improve health by getting to the gym, getting massages, drinking less and other good self-care practices.  We can do almost anything we set our minds to (thanks, American Dream!), except for create a person who is our "other", out of thin air.  This is what is the most frustrating for me, because I'm the type of person that makes things happen.  I am very good at knowing what I want, setting the goal and achieving it.  This is not the way to get a guy, trust me, this has bit me in the ass before.  

My friends, and likely your friends are in similar positions, are all over the spectrum in regards to their primary intimate relationship.  I have friends who are serial monogamists, serial daters, some have been in one relationship or have been in many, some have loved several people and others have been loved by several people that fell flat, others are engaged or married, and finally there are those as single as the sun with their potential planets/matches just out of their coronas' reach (brace yourself for a solar theme, starting, now.).  As of today...well, I'm one of those pretty happy suns that is starting to get bored.

I mean clearly for the most part we have this innate desire to pair up (in all senses of the word) and find that "other".  Even more clearly, when you add in the two genders (and adding in all the different orientations and variations), timing, compatibility, excitement, chemistry, etc - there is a lot entering into the equation to matching people up. 

At this point I say "I'm not worried, but I'm impatient."  I think this is really the truth.  I know I'll end up with a great guy, I'm just starting to get that figuratively antsy leg shake.  Although honestly, I'm not in a rush.  I still have a lot of things I'd like to do before settling down.  I've had relationships before, I know I'm capable of being a great girlfriend, but I'm also not willing to just be a girlfriend for the sake of it.  I'd rather be a happy little sun with a couple planets floating around, than a less than satisfied sun with one not so great planet going around and around. Bleh.

Now does this mean I'm endorsing the game? No, not exactly.  I think that honesty and being upfront with people is the best policy. I think that when a connection is there, it should be tested and see what footing that beginning would have, but when there is no footing (or when the footing is not lining up right) I think that it's best to let it go. 

This is hard to do though when your footing is different than the other's, and you're not aware of it.  I've been on both ends of the situation where one person is very interested and the other is unsure or, ultimately, not interested.  This can be uncomfortable/annoying/frustrating/sad/disappointing to both sides.  Really, a lot of us not quite at the age yet where we're "adult enough" to discuss it head on, be concrete about it and move on.   From what I see the twenty-somethings, and even the early-thirty-somethings, struggle with this (both guys and gals, mind you).  I've seen and experienced relationships come to a sudden end and even situations that seem to drag on.  In these cases the balance is of...until you find one that is level.  

I've been told that I'm "deservedly picky".  I guess I am picky but I want close to a perfect balance as I can get.  Why not want that?  Having not had your "typical" immediate family life growing up, or even now really, that is something I hope for, for my family later.  I hope that my primary relationship that I end up in is lifelong, as I'm sure most of us aren't ultimately looking for our "First" marriage, in order to have a second.  In this vein, I'm very thankful that my previous long term relationship was ended for me, as I can see now that it would have ended that way ultimately down the road.  Break ups are hard enough, I don't wish needing a divorce on anyone.

I've been rambling, so I'll bring this back to my long winded point:

I don't hate the player, and frankly, I have been known to enjoy the game.  I think what I've noticed is that my "happy sun game playing" days are starting to dwindle; as the people around me settle down and figure out that aspect of their lives out and as I start to get a bit older, I'm more open to finding one planet (as long as it's not a fake planet, like poor Pluto). 

Until next time,

E