...and E goes on dates with both of them.
Ha.
Okay, that wasn't supposed to be a joke, it's actually the summation of my dating life in the last couple weeks.
So, I suppose you could still call it a joke.
Because I love you guys, and because I can find humor in my dating failures (and so can you), and maybe you/I can learn from my mistakes/wrong turns/epiphanies, I figured I'd share.
**
I was trying to heed the advice of my recent guest blogger (Connor Mead) by not sticking so rigidly to my "list".
Like most people I have a somewhat informal running list (okay, maybe I've put it in Excel before, pivot tables anyone?) of things I'd like in my next relationship...this includes some things about the guy, how I want to feel around him and the different aspects of the relationship...pretty basic stuff. Good guy, have fun, chemistry, mutuality...and tall. I like them tall.
But, since I believe that if you don't change your approach you can't expect different results, I decided to start to give some guys a chance that I might not normally be interested in.
These aren't guys that I shouldn't be interested in, per se, we're talking eligible bachelors...but maybe not typically my type (when someone single says that you should retort with "well looks like your type hasn't been working for you", "...touché" they should reply).
Moving on.
I was seeing these two guys (not together, obviously, and no they didn't walk into the bar together, the joke is a loose depiction of my dating life mind you) and we'll call them Mr. Esquire 1 and Mr. Esquire 2.
Aside from both being Jewish (bonus points, not mandatory) lawyers, they were very different from one another.
Mr. Esq 1 was very proper. He was a nice southern boy who suggested classy establishments to meet at for our dates. He was engaging, asked me a lot of questions but also offered up a lot about himself. He was smart and driven and funny. He hailed from one of the best universities in the country. He had a little bit of the curse of niceness, but was interesting enough that it wasn't a turn off.
He kissed me after the first date, which surprised me. It was nice. I was surprised he was forward enough to "make a move" based upon his properness so even though I wasn't 100% about him, he had surprised me so I met him again.
We had similar stories in terms of our complicated families, he was worldly and had also made a career change, he stacked up to any list someone would have made.
He did the right things, he paid for drinks, he followed up, he suggested fun things to do, he held the door.
So what was it that I was hesitant about? Was it really the hair I saw creeping up from the top of the back of his shirt? Was it really that he vaguely looked like someone I used to date? Was it really that I just didn't find him manly enough?
I don't think it was anything in particular, but when I awkwardly avoided his kiss on the second date - which mind you was in broad daylight in public (so bad when you keep talking just so that they can't kiss you), I realized that my desire to push him up against the wall and give into any physical desire just wasn't there...I had to call it quits.
I let him down gently, he was understanding and appreciative that I was honest with him.
I was interested in him as a friend, he's a cool guy. Maybe if I'm single when I'm 35 I'll be fine with a companion that is just my friend, but right now physical chemistry and desire is a must.
Mr. Esq 2 was very laid back. He was a nice local guy who for our first date suggested a bar on the same block as his apartment, where his friends hung out frequently.
He showed up in a long sleeved t-shirt (which on the second date he told me his friends had reamed him out for wearing), and I just felt like he wasn't taking things seriously enough. He knew the bartender (female) who monopolized much of the first date with talking to him about being sworn in. He didn't introduce us and it was kind of awkward.
I don't need things serious all the time, but having me meet you at the closest bar possible to your house and talking to the bartender the first half of the date is just not my idea of a good/exciting time.
The rest of the date (once we were actually talking to each other versus the bartender) was enjoyable enough that when he asked me out again, I figured, why not. He proposed playing pool, so I was excited to do something fun...friendly competition is a good time on dates.
Again, we went to a fairly local bar to him (he didn't make suggestions to meet half way, or ask where I'd like to go, but I figured he came up with the idea so I went with it). We played pool, we were a bit more flirty than the first date, and it was fun. We wound up at a total dive bar which was funny and I think more typical of his type of hanging out situation, but don't get me wrong, I like a good dive bar now and again.
Overall it was a good time. I paid for a couple of our drinks, which I don't usually mind at all, but there was a level of inconsideration (is that a word? looks funny) and a lack of maturity on his part that irked me a little and made me resent grabbing some rounds.
I wasn't sure how I felt about him even during the date. I'm usually pretty clear about "yes, I'm interested" or "no, I'm not". He was on the edge of that.
So what was it that I was hesitant about? Was it really that he showed up too casual on the first date and was too nonchalant? Was it really that I felt like I was on a college date? Was it really that I felt like he was interested in what I looked like and not genuinely interested in anything else about me?
We had fun, I was attracted to him enough that I didn't awkwardly resist him kissing me like Esq1. But he just felt like he was 22 (though he's in his late 20's)...I was a bit turned off by going out to the bars I did that age, and his still wanting to stay within a 4 block radius of his apartment.
There was something about it that just felt like we were in different places in our lives and looking for different types of relationships. I talked to him about it yesterday (after he had been following up with friendly conversation since our last date...but after a week the back and forth seemed to lead no where). He said he agreed that he wasn't sure if we were really lining up right. Who knows what he really thought.
**
Even though during these dates with these two guys I was making a concerted effort to not worry about the things on my list, they actually had a lot of the things on that list (despite me mentioning a lot of the negative things above).
Both made me laugh, both were interesting and driven (though in different ways), both were tall enough. Both of them were attractive enough that if I had really felt connected or intrigued by them I would have found them increasingly attractive.
All of the things I had hesitated about were not deal breakers individually (I mean back hair isn't attractive but there are ways to deal with that. Who cares what bar we go to, if you're an awesome guy and I'm excited about you we could be sitting in the library and I'd enjoy myself), and I know from experience that when you like someone enough their flaws, or whatever, become endearing or you overlook them (at least initially)...
...but still I wasn't really feeling that connected to either of them.
So while I was doing a bit of nit picking, it wasn't that I felt that anything about them was black/white a yes/no...but the whole gestalt of the person and how I felt around them just...wasn't it.
I'm glad I went out with both of them a few times. I'm glad to have met some cool guys that I enjoyed spending time with despite not feeling like I wanted to date them.
I learned that even when you're not guy shopping according to your list you can still find guys who actually have the things you need and want...and the reality is that even with those attributes the guy might not be the right fit for you.
I'm still waiting for the right fit.
I'm starting to lose steam on looking, however, so maybe it will find me. I'm tossing my "would be nice to have" list aside (though not forgetting my standards/needs), and remaining open to meeting new people and seeing when the spaghetti sticks to the ceiling to let me know that the noodle, that is a relationship, is fully cooked.
Sorry, really bad metaphor but you get the point.
Aaaand sorry for the rambling post about my lawyer duo escapades...it was interesting for me and when I talked to friends about going on dates with two lawyers, it just sounded like a bad joke that I had to share.
Until next time,
E-less-squire
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