two lawyers walk into a bar...

...and E goes on dates with both of them.

Ha.

Okay, that wasn't supposed to be a joke, it's actually the summation of my dating life in the last couple weeks.

So, I suppose you could still call it a joke.

Because I love you guys, and because I can find humor in my dating failures (and so can you), and maybe you/I can learn from my mistakes/wrong turns/epiphanies, I figured I'd share.

**
I was trying to heed the advice of my recent guest blogger (Connor Mead) by not sticking so rigidly to my "list".

Like most people I have a somewhat informal running list (okay, maybe I've put it in Excel before, pivot tables anyone?) of things I'd like in my next relationship...this includes some things about the guy, how I want to feel around him and the different aspects of the relationship...pretty basic stuff.  Good guy, have fun, chemistry, mutuality...and tall.  I like them tall.

But, since I believe that if you don't change your approach you can't expect different results, I decided to start to give some guys a chance that I might not normally be interested in.

These aren't guys that I shouldn't be interested in, per se, we're talking eligible bachelors...but maybe not typically my type (when someone single says that you should retort with "well looks like your type hasn't been working for you", "...touché" they should reply).

Moving on.

I was seeing these two guys (not together, obviously, and no they didn't walk into the bar together, the joke is a loose depiction of my dating life mind you) and we'll call them Mr. Esquire 1 and Mr. Esquire 2.

Aside from both being Jewish (bonus points, not mandatory) lawyers, they were very different from one another.

Mr. Esq 1 was very proper.  He was a nice southern boy who suggested classy establishments to meet at for our dates.  He was engaging, asked me a lot of questions but also offered up a lot about himself.  He was smart and driven and funny.  He hailed from one of the best universities in the country.  He had a little bit of the curse of niceness, but was interesting enough that it wasn't a turn off.

He kissed me after the first date, which surprised me.  It was nice.  I was surprised he was forward enough to "make a move" based upon his properness so even though I wasn't 100% about him, he had surprised me so I met him again.

We had similar stories in terms of our complicated families, he was worldly and had also made a career change, he stacked up to any list someone would have made.

He did the right things, he paid for drinks, he followed up, he suggested fun things to do, he held the door.

So what was it that I was hesitant about?  Was it really the hair I saw creeping up from the top of the back of his shirt?  Was it really that he vaguely looked like someone I used to date?  Was it really that I just didn't find him manly enough?

I don't think it was anything in particular, but when I awkwardly avoided his kiss on the second date - which mind you was in broad daylight in public (so bad when you keep talking just so that they can't kiss you), I realized that my desire to push him up against the wall and give into any physical desire just wasn't there...I had to call it quits.

I let him down gently, he was understanding and appreciative that I was honest with him.

I was interested in him as a friend, he's a cool guy.  Maybe if I'm single when I'm 35 I'll be fine with a companion that is just my friend, but right now physical chemistry and desire is a must.

Mr. Esq 2 was very laid back.  He was a nice local guy who for our first date suggested a bar on the same block as his apartment, where his friends hung out frequently.

He showed up in a long sleeved t-shirt (which on the second date he told me his friends had reamed him out for wearing), and I just felt like he wasn't taking things seriously enough. He knew the bartender (female) who monopolized much of the first date with talking to him about being sworn in.  He didn't introduce us and it was kind of awkward.

I don't need things serious all the time, but having me meet you at the closest bar possible to your house and talking to the bartender the first half of the date is just not my idea of a good/exciting time.

The rest of the date (once we were actually talking to each other versus the bartender) was enjoyable enough that when he asked me out again, I figured, why not.  He proposed playing pool, so I was excited to do something fun...friendly competition is a good time on dates.

Again, we went to a fairly local bar to him (he didn't make suggestions to meet half way, or ask where I'd like to go, but I figured he came up with the idea so I went with it).   We played pool, we were a bit more flirty than the first date, and it was fun.  We wound up at a total dive bar which was funny and I think more typical of his type of hanging out situation, but don't get me wrong, I like a good dive bar now and again.

Overall it was a good time.  I paid for a couple of our drinks, which I don't usually mind at all, but there was a level of inconsideration (is that a word? looks funny) and a lack of maturity on his part that irked me a little and made me resent grabbing some rounds.

I wasn't sure how I felt about him even during the date.  I'm usually pretty clear about "yes, I'm interested" or "no, I'm not".  He was on the edge of that.

So what was it that I was hesitant about?  Was it really that he showed up too casual on the first date and was too nonchalant?  Was it really that I felt like I was on a college date? Was it really that I felt like he was interested in what I looked like and not genuinely interested in anything else about me?

We had fun, I was attracted to him enough that I didn't awkwardly resist him kissing me like Esq1.  But he just felt like he was 22 (though he's in his late 20's)...I was a bit turned off by going out to the bars I did that age, and his still wanting to stay within a 4 block radius of his apartment.

There was something about it that just felt like we were in different places in our lives and looking for different types of relationships.  I talked to him about it yesterday (after he had been following up with friendly conversation since our last date...but after a week the back and forth seemed to lead no where).   He said he agreed that he wasn't sure if we were really lining up right.  Who knows what he really thought.

**
Even though during these dates with these two guys I was making a concerted effort to not worry about the things on my list, they actually had a lot of the things on that list (despite me mentioning a lot of the negative things above).

Both made me laugh, both were interesting and driven (though in different ways), both were tall enough.  Both of them were attractive enough that if I had really felt connected or intrigued by them I would have found them increasingly attractive.

All of the things I had hesitated about were not deal breakers individually (I mean back hair isn't attractive but there are ways to deal with that.  Who cares what bar we go to, if you're an awesome guy and I'm excited about you we could be sitting in the library and I'd enjoy myself), and I know from experience that when you like someone enough their flaws, or whatever, become endearing or you overlook them (at least initially)...

...but still I wasn't really feeling that connected to either of them.

So while I was doing a bit of nit picking, it wasn't that I felt that anything about them was black/white a yes/no...but the whole gestalt of the person and how I felt around them just...wasn't it.

I'm glad I went out with both of them a few times.  I'm glad to have met some cool guys that I enjoyed spending time with despite not feeling like I wanted to date them.

I learned that even when you're not guy shopping according to your list you can still find guys who actually have the things you need and want...and the reality is that even with those attributes the guy might not be the right fit for you.

I'm still waiting for the right fit.

I'm starting to lose steam on looking, however, so maybe it will find me.  I'm tossing my "would be nice to have" list aside (though not forgetting my standards/needs), and remaining open to meeting new people and seeing when the spaghetti sticks to the ceiling to let me know that the noodle, that is a relationship, is fully cooked.

Sorry, really bad metaphor but you get the point.

Aaaand sorry for the rambling post about my lawyer duo escapades...it was interesting for me and when I talked to friends about going on dates with two lawyers, it just sounded like a bad joke that I had to share.

Until next time,
E-less-squire

looks like a duck, quacks like a duck

So without getting into details to avoid rehashing a crappy situation I'll just say that the guy I was "seeing" (or whatever you call it these days), apparently isn't interested in it anymore.

It's pretty crappy that a guy and girl can really hit it off, have chemistry, things in common, laugh a lot, have fun together...things go well for a while and then poof.  He's managed to just trail off with communication, started to flake on dates and then now, I think it's clear there is nothing.

So when this happens what do you (I) do?

You question what you did, if anything, to make this change.  You question why he doesn't like you or doesn't feel connected anymore, you question what's wrong with you, what's wrong with him.  You wonder if maybe he met someone else, or if there is something wrong in his life that he's just not in a place to communicate.  You make excuses for him, then you get angry at the situation, you decide it's not worth it, but then you check your phone again just to see if maybe he texted.

I feel pretty confident that the last few weeks of an exciting beginning culminated in a guy just not following through.  Of course it's not like I was convinced this was "the guy" yet, but I knew I wanted to see him again, and I wanted to get to know him more.  I had some hope that it could be something.  So yah, I'm disappointed.  I'm confused.  I can't help but wonder what happened.

It is hard not to feel hopeless about finding someone, sitting with feeling rejected, or thinking that it reflects badly on me... but these things happen. Not everyone is going to be a good match, even when they seem like they might be.

Even when something looks like a duck, quacks like a duck...

...sometimes it's actually a goose.  

So, I'm getting right back on the horse as they say.  Not wasting any time on something that isn't going anywhere...I don't want to miss something else that might present itself in the mean time.

Who knows what will happen.

Part of me wants to say maybe he'll come around, but even being hopeful for that makes me feel like crap. I don't want to be with someone (again) who will turn that quickly and decide that I'm not worth the time or decency to follow through or at the very least a give a simple explanation.

So, I take it back.  Now I'm looking for bigger (taller, at the very least) and better.

Until next time,

E

Dating: Meeting Online

So at the risk of sounding conceited, but still making a point I'm going to start by saying: I'm pretty awesome.  I'd say think I'm decent looking, I'm smart, I'm educated, I sometimes make people laugh, I have a good head on my shoulders, I'm a good friend, I like to do fun things, I can dance pretty well when I've had a few drinks, I've dated around a decent amount, I meet people and hit it off, and I've had a long (long) term relationship, so all around it's clear that I'm not undatable.

Also, let me preface this post by keeping this in the spirit of not wishing for something that isn't (which I've been working on and I think it has helped with some of my anxiety around this whole relationship thing), is that while I'd like to be in a relationship, being single is not terrible at all. I've been having so much fun, and there is even part of me that thinks that it would be kind of challenging to adjust to being part of a couple again (although, I'm willing it if the right guy manifests).

Final note before I dive into the topic.  I ask that you reserve your judgement.  I also ask that you comment (anonymously if you so choose) to share your experience, thoughts, success stories, horror stories, whatever.

Okay here we go:  online dating.

Oh, online dating.  I'm really not sure where to start, so I guess I'll start with this month.

You can imagine that living at home isn't really that conducive to meeting people, but really the only thing truly limits is one night stands from the bar (Oh hey Ma, this is...wait what's your name again?)...and clearly at this point I'm over that, so it's left me with little excuse for not putting myself out there.

Living outside the city, however, is limiting in terms of just the sheer volume of people you might be able to meet out at a bar or in Starbucks (I'd love that, by the way, while I order my venti iced).

Living in the city where you are walking around, taking public transit, you are just exposed to many more people than when you are a bit more insular, commuting alone in your car, or driving to...well, Starbucks.

Since I've been back in my hometown, I had a few friends who had been online dating before and recently joined OkCupid who were talking about it, a good friend of mine from forever just got engaged so we are all chit chatting about all things bachelorette party and wedding planning, I hung out alone at a bar for the first time ever (the bartender is my friend and I arrived with someone, but stayed after they went home...kind of fun actually, good people watching), had some contact with people I've "dated"**, which was nice but brought up questions about, well practically everything.

So, with all that, and living in a new (but old) area I decided to give this newer site my friend had joined a shot.  Why not.  I've got some fun to be had, and it seems that my immediate options are exhausted for the time being.  (If not then let me know before I'm off the market again!).

I admit this is not my first go round with online dating.

After my last long-term relationship ended, I joined JDate to get myself back out there, go on some dates and have some fun.  At the time, I figured if I'm going to meet someone online, they might as well be Jewish to make my grandparents happy.  I was pretty successful with it, meaning that I went out with a bunch of guys, met some cool people and then after a month or so was like "eh this is enough".

I also had a brief stint on eHarmony which was also successful, but like JDate, and likely like (likely like?) OkCupid, I burnt out kind of quickly.  eHarmony is one that I think if I was 30-something and really looking for a compatible person so that I could make babies, that I'd focus on. I think that it ultimately has the best system and is less focused on what someone looks like and more about their character.  Although, I went on dates with some cute guys, so it's not devoid of attractive people by any means.

The anxiety that comes with "blind dates" is almost too much.  If you haven't experienced the anticipation of a first date or a blind date, then I suggest it.  They say to do one thing every day that scares you, well, this might be your ticket.

For instance last night I went on a blind date from OkC (get with the lingo ppl), and the entire day leading up to it I was nervous.  Once we met him I was relaxed, which is typical for me.  The date was nice, he's a good guy (cute, smart, tall, Jewish) and we walked around a little town center eating ice cream and listening to a cover band play on their town common.  It would have been a romantic cute date if I was interested in that way, but I wasn't.

I was disappointed that it wasn't "it", and felt kind of silly for being really nervous leading up to it.  I think that it will help me to be less nervous next time around, but then again anxiety is a bitch.  Luckily there are only a few things I get anxious about like first dates or being a passenger in a car with a driver that I deem as scary.

Over the last couple years I've probably gone on dates with about 12 guys from the online dating world, and I'd say that only 2 was a disaster, 2 I only went on 1 date with, 1 guy I went on like 7 dates with and the rest I went on 2-4 dates with.  Those aren't terrible odds actually.  I do a fairly good screening process since there are things I won't tolerate (being a cigarette smoker, someone shorter than me, someone who posts pictures of themselves in the mirror with their cell phone - learn how to take a self-timed picture or at least a self picture, avoid the bathroom mirror people) and I politely decline their offers and wait for a decent guy to come along.

The primary challenges with online dating being successful is chemistry.  I think that someone can be amazing on paper and then you meet and it's like "yeahhh no."  I also think that it probably happens that I (and others) dismiss someone online, but had we met them in a bar and felt chemistry may have been interested in (though most of the "in-bar" situations fizzle out after a few dates anyway).  Keep your eyes out for a post on having parties, as I think this may be the key to meeting the right people (mutual friends as a filter).

There is stigma with online dating.  Less so now, than a few years ago, since most people know great people who use the sites or even success stories of engagements/marriages from the online world, but still.  The first question people ask when you are dating someone is "how did you meet?".  Even still there is a sting of saying "online".  But my friend said it best, "If you find someone you love and it's a great relationship, who the hell cares where you met them?".  While I want a great story, what's more important is just being with someone that I love who we fulfill each other's needs and wants, and the rest just doesn't really matter.

The times they are a changing. Most of our communication is online these days anyway, and it's not a far stretch to imagine that more and more people will be meeting their significant others online.   Ultimately you aren't dating online, you're MEETING online.  I would recommend meeting people quickly so you can decide yay or nay and move on.  The dating part should be in person, leave the online part to just the initial connection.

So if you've been on the fence about joining a site, just know that once you're on it, people will come out of the woodwork that you wouldn't expect who are already online dating.

I say go for it.  The worst case is you have some crappy dates, feel anxious or it isn't the avenue where you ultimately find love.  The benefit is it is a huge confidence booster, you get better at dating (it's like interviewing, the more you practice the better you are), you come out with some good stories, you meet cool people even if you don't want to date them, and it is just an extra avenue to possibly finding someone to be with.

Like my mom says: "You can't win the lottery if you don't play" (aside from the fact that most people don't win the lottery, this is a good analogy if you don't read into it)...and you know mom is always right.

Happy dating, wherever you meet!

Until next time,
OkE

**Dating: What the hell are we even classifying this as these days? Is this going on a couple of dates? Sleeping with on a regular basis? Boyfriend/Girlfriend?  I guess I just use it for any situation where you have a non-platonic relationship or interest, ranging from where both of you are working towards figuring out if you're a good match by hanging out, to planning where the next place you're going to get it on is, to if you're official on Facebook.  Fair?