This is something I'll be able to say at some point...I just know it.
I've been wanting to write about my friends who will be super successful and "famous" as we age and become more like experts in our skills and whatnot...and this was a good time to start.
Vanessa Kafka
I know a lot of very talented and driven people in many different fields and interests...I think it will be pretty amazing to see people become hugely successful (or even famous) in their writing, design, clinical work, beer brewing, and music, just to name a few.
Speaking of music.
You all know I love me some good music...other than dating it's one of the more common things I write about here.
"I knew Vanessa Kafka, way back when, when she wasn't totally famous yet"...
I have a very dear friend of mine (if you know her, you love her, if you don't trust me you would) who is working on her next musical project. Vanessa Kafka (check out her website, listen to her music from her last album) is a singer songwriter who hails from Connecticut who has a voice like a combination of Jesus and Fergie. No I'm kidding, but thank you Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly (not my friends, yet) for the line.
In all honesty she is fabulous. One time I was at her apartment and she was recording one of her songs for a friend of hers. She was getting married and Vanessa couldn't make it, so she sang her favorite song and dedicated it to her. Since I was there, Vanessa put me to work on the camera, and I no lie, had goosebumps the whole time. It was beautiful.
Vanessa not only is beautiful, sounds beautiful, but she's also supah smaht. Like, really. She's finishing up her MBA at one of the country's best institutions and will be wildly successful in business I'm sure in addition to music (or somehow combining both).
Sam Kornstein
Her band is made up of several very cool folks, some of which I don't have the pleasure of knowing yet, and one of which I've known for a very long time, Sam Kornstein. Sam is also multifaceted...he also is finishing up his MBA (with V as I call her), and brews some beer...and takes amazing photos...and other stuff...check out all he writes about.
So I have no question that with the mix of the wit, smarts, talent, creativity, and beer, that they will go very far with these endeavors...especially the music.
Check out this clip on why I'm talking about Vanessa today!
So, they are currently fundraising for their next project and are asking people to make donations to help kickstart their album. Their goal is $7,500 and every donation of $10 or more gets free access to the album and as the denominations grow, the prizes/goodies become better and better.
They need to reach the goal by March 13, 2012. There are only 2 weeks left!
IF THEY DON'T REACH $7,500 IT WILL NOT BE PRODUCED. This is all or nothing folks. They are just around 50% there, and they need our help!
SO, since I rarely ask you to do anything, other than think about yourself introspectively, or to comment on things...I want to ask you to check out Vanessa, check out their mission, and donate on Kickstarter!
You'll be glad to say "I knew of Vanessa Kafka, before she was famous".
I also, happened to read it after another string of
unsuccessful first/second dates, how timely.
Shit.
Looks like I have a lot of things I need to work on, and
here I was thinking I was pretty great.
Well I know I'm pretty great, but maybe that is part of the
problem?
I have, 12 years to get this shit in order or I'll be
another 40 year old without a hubby.
Granted I’m not ready to be married now, and I’m not in a
rush, per se…but hopefully it doesn’t take those 12 years.
Either way this points out some things that I, and maybe
you, could wrestle with. Jello wrestling
with it might make it more fun.
Frankly, I'm not really willing to give all of these
attributes up, or change who I am, but I do realize that some of these things
makes me hard to please or hard to be in a relationship with…so they might be
worth toning down or revaluating.
I totally agree that you need to love a man for his
character, I’d much rather be with someone who has a great character than is
just pretty. BUT. With online dating being like window
shopping, and a list of qualities (like the list that Connor Mead talked
about), it’s really hard to get their character fully…but you can see their
face…and their height. PLUS I have to be
attracted to the guy, just like I’d want him to be attracted to me. I mean I
think sexual chemistry is an important part of a long term relationship. I don’t
think the guy has to be objectively gorgeous but I want to find him
attractive. So this is a tough one. However, if I meet a guy in the wild, and we
get to know each other more naturally, I think I’m probably much less shallow
than I am online. I wonder how I can
shift that. I’ve noticed actually in the
last week or so (I just re-joined Match.com, worst timing ever when I’m super
busy and don’t have time for a date, but whatever), that I’ve been talking to
guys who are not as “typical” to me in terms of their careers/jobs, location, background,
whatever. So maybe I’m loosening my grip
on the “stats” already.
2. Sort of bitchy:
Eek. Define bitchy. No, don’t. I know I can be bitchy. “McMillan points out that you probably don’t
think of yourself this way because you’ve been to therapy or you’re really
smart. Either way, men prefer to marry women they can easily get along with and
who tend to be nice. Your anger scares men away whether you admit it or not.” Does
that include BEING a therapist AND really smart? Hmm damn.
Well I know that I have a lifetime of anger, that I’ve been working on…and
maybe it is really time to let go some of the anger, jealousy, frustration,
whatever that sometimes creeps up. Being
more easy going and and easy to get along with in general would be good. But “nice” doesn’t mean anything to me…friendly,
warm, open, now that is better than “nice”. I think I have those qualities but maybe they
are overshadowed by my harshness/abruptness sometimes. I don’t want to be fake, but point taken.
3. Too independent:
I’ve heard this one before. Men need to feel needed. I think it is very possible I come of not
needing a man, because I don’t actually need one. I like my independence a lot, but I do realize
that I have filled up my time, and life space with work, friends, activities,
and it will actually take some work to fit a guy into my life…See number 7. Part of me also wants to find a guy who likes
my independence, but when I think about it, do I want a guy who is so independent
that it’s no different if I’m in his life or not? For instance, even in my long term relationship,
when we split up, the only thing I “lost” in the split was a couple beach
towels/chairs in his car, I had a pair of his boxers at my place, I took down
some pictures, deleted a few off Facebook, and that was it. Maybe we were too independent and our lives
weren’t intertwined enough for it to last, or feel worth working on. So I wonder what I can do to work on my independence.
I’m not willing to be a damsel in
distress, but opening my schedule up, asking for help when I need things versus
muscling through and doing them myself, maybe there are other things? Guys/girls
let me know your thoughts on this one.
4. Too easy:
Ugh. Just after I
post about one night stands. Although as
I said there, it is not a good way to land a serious relationship (in most
cases). But the too easy thing. How easy are we talking here? No but I do agree with the writer on this one,
and I feel like it aligns with both my posts about one night stands and friends with benefits. Get your sugar but don’t
expect great results.
5. Overly
self-focused:
You mean like having a blog about yourself? Yikes.
Hmm maybe I should start posting about things other than myself. What else can I do that isn’t self
focused? I spend my whole day focusing
on my clients and their lives…but what about in my spare (HA) time? Volunteering, maybe even getting “back” into
painting…yah that would be for me, but I wouldn’t be in my head about me, I’d
be being creative…or reading about others…maybe some good autobiographies. Thoughts/suggestions on good reads?
6. Lack of honesty -
the key is with one's self.
I'm very honest outwardly but maybe I need some help with
looking at myself frankly...I’m not sure. I know my quirks and flaws…and I know my areas
of weakness fairly well. I do really
think it’s important to be honest about what you’re looking for when you first
start dating someone. There was this
really cute guy online who was like “I’m not looking for a serious thing right
now”, and for a day or two I entertained the idea…”maybe I can change his mind”
is sometimes how we think…but ladies, we know we can’t. So I didn’t even end up meeting him because I
told him I was looking for something more serious and that I don’t plan on
working hard to change someone’s mind. Didn’t
hear back from him…maybe I was too honest. Anyway, NEXT.
7. Super hero busy:
GUILTY. My friends
can attest to this...My work schedule is all over the place, and I have to
schedule friends ahead of time just to see everyone here and there. I know that
sounds like bragging, and I'm so thankful for my friends, but it's true,
different friend circles require more time management skills. I rarely have a night off socially, but then
when I do I feel, well, lonely and bored. So I tend to keep my nights packed full…I
guess I need to be okay with more alone time, so there is room for going on
dates, dating a guy even.
8. Not good enough:
Maybe deep down this is true. Maybe deep down because both my father figures left that I feel that I’m not good enough or worthy of a good relationship. I don’t know if this is true, but it’s
possible. There is a part of me that
feels “I deserve” a good healthy relationship because of “all I’ve been through”
but that is maybe to compensate for my subconscious. Hmm, food for thought. I do know that I’m great in a lot of ways,
and while (clearly) there are some things to look at, or work on, but I know I’m
a good person, with a good head on my shoulders, and I am good enough for
someone to fall in love with me (where it’s mutual).
Or maybe I’m just too awesome. Yah, maybe that’s it. :)
Haha.
I’m sharing this with you in the hopes of unlocking something
in me that shifts how I present myself enough that I’m more accessible to guys,
but maintains who I am and my values of self and goals, etc. Maybe something to think about for you if you’re
single and wondering why.
The other thing is, it could also be timing. I think not beating yourself up about these
things is key because we are who we are, and someone should love us for who we
are. So maybe it’s working on being
patient and not worrying about what timelines others are on, or what timeline
we wish we were on.
Let me start out by
saying, practicingsafer sex is very, very important. I say safer sex because the only safe
sex is not having sex, at all.
If you are too afraid
to talk about sex, too embarrassed to buy/get your own condoms, or can’t talk
about sexual health/getting tested…then you probably aren’t mature enough to be
having sex anyway.
So, let’s assume that
for the sake of this post we’re all mature adults: we’re choosing to, or choosing
not to, have sex and we’re in circumstances where this is being honored safely (either
way), we’ve taken charge of our own sexual health (yearly appointments at the
doctor – bleh, STI testing, understand risks/rewards of sexual encounters, etc.),
we use protection every time we have sex
(I’m talking condoms people, the BC pill ain’t enough for STI’s if you don’t
get tested first)…and if you’re in a long term committed relationship where you’ve
moved away from barrier type protection (like condoms) that you’re in a healthy
and loving relationship, where infidelity truly isn’t a risk factor.
Okay, so now that we’ve established that…
Why is the topic of sex and enjoying sex so hush hush or
avoided at the same time as it is plastered all around us? The mixed messages get a bit jumbled up
sometimes and make it hard for us to figure out what our sexuality should be,
or can be…even for me (someone who has been a sexual being for a long time now).
As you know, I’m a woman and I’m single currently (and have
been for a good while).
In that time I’ve dating around a lot, met a lot of great or
weird or nice but not-for-me guys. Now,
I didn’t sleep with all of those guys, I have been choosy, clearly…but here and
there momma has to get a little sugar.
I think this is key, I think that when we’re on the search
for that “someone special” we should probably not sleep with everyone that shows
us a bit of interest…what is tough about this is if you are single for an
extended period of time, and you miss the intimacy that you were accustomed to
on a regular basis, or just the frequency that you would like.
I’m not going to sit here and type this out for the purpose of me sounding like
I’m some sort of sex crazed woman, but the fact that I have to qualify this is
just a further example of how taboo enjoying sex is for adult women to seek
out.
Well, enough of the taboo.
I’m going to be careful with who I sleep with but sometimes
I just want to get him done (who
know Larry the Cable Guy was articulate…).
So this brings us to the topic of the One Night Stand.
I haven’t had many
mind you, and I’m not condoning this becoming a habit or something that becomes
a frequent occurrence for men or women.
I also don’t think a
woman having sex makes her a slut, or any of those other words that are often
thrown around, but I also think there are realities/risks (emotional/mental/physical)
that we need to know and pay attention to if this is done too much.
Moderation people…that
goes for you too, guys.
Oh, the glory of a one night stand.
So the classic one night stand is something that I think if
you are a mentally healthy, physically healthy, and a responsible adult is,
well, awesome.
Sometimes giving into a primal need (for a woman, I can only
speak to this gender’s need, mind you) is very empowering and reminds us that
sex is something we need, too.
You’ve heard stories from your friends about their
sexcapades I’m sure, maybe you’ve had a few yourself (maybe a few too many),
but I do think for a lot of us women who are in our mid-late twenties/early
thirties and are still single, that this is a reality of part of the dating
scene out there.
I won’t talk about all of my experiences here (there are some good stories, I gotta say, maybe that memoir will include them if I ever get around to it), for your sake
and obviously for mine, but in honor of Valentine’s Day I figured I’d share this
classic story.
It was 3 years ago yesterday, and I was fairly newly single
after a long term relationship.
I was living in the city at that time, had just come back
from being in Israel with a huge group of great people, and decided I was going
to apply to graduate school and change my career.
A lot to celebrate, really.
I was out with some of my friends from my Israel trip, at
a bar that at the time I frequented.
I spent the first have of the night “doing laps” as I call
them, where I slowly meander around the bar and scope out the scene. I haven’t done this lately, but maybe I
should reinvigorate this tactic.
There was a guy I spotted that I thought was cute. I high fived this cute guy a few times (on my
laps) and ended up talking to him for a while…but he ended up going home with
his guy friends.
He later (weeks/months later) popped up in my life through
other connections (small, small world) and he’s managed to be a crush of mine
for a while (which he knows), but sadly he’s too hung up on his on/off girl
friend that I’ve stopped wasting my time on it.
Anyway, so the story continues.
Guy #1 of the night left and I was kind of disappointed but
managed to find some other people to talk to. There was this big group of guys that was
talking to my group of friends and they all introduced themselves. They seemed cool and we were having a good
time.
One of their friends arrived late (Guy #2 of the night), and
he ended up standing next to me after he said hi to all his friends.
Needless to say we hit it off. He was cute, funny, and I was obviously cute
and funny too. So it worked. We made out at the bar (which I hate to
admit, I hate when people do that), and ended up going back to my place (which
clearly I’m admitting to, also).
I’ll skip all the sorted details (sorry, not the time and
the place for those things…), but needless to say it was a fun, safe and
enjoyable experience.
The next morning (very early) I woke up and the following occurred.
There is a cute guy in my bed.
He’s still sleeping.
I suddenly know, that I DON’T know his name. Not like thinking “Oh, I forgot it”, but I’m
pretty sure we were never actually introduced…
It is typical that I wake up before the guy, and sometimes flee
(although this was my apt, so I couldn’t, not that I wanted to with this guy),
but this afforded me some time to brainstorm how I could get his name. Which I failed.
I texted a couple friends (and I’m pretty sure my mom, too, probably
much to her chagrin) and said “There is a cute guy in my bed, and I don’t know
his name…Happy Valentine’s Day!”.
I got a flurry of texts throughout that day of
congratulations (haha) on what was really my first one night stand, and more
importantly the first guy since my relationship that even interested me enough…and
some laughs because I managed to not even know the guy’s name.
I thought it was hilarious, at the time…and even now.
One of the friend’s I texted (who was really into The Hills
at the time), said “Oh! What if his name is something like Justin Bobby!?” He was then, and since, referred to as Justin
Bobby.
That morning when he woke up, he asked for my number. I don’t know if he saw my college diploma on
my wall and knew my name from that, or if he never actually knew my name…it’s
hard to say.
I felt good being single on that Valentine’s Day, I felt
like I had earned it being a good day for me.
A couple day’s later I got a text from him “Hey this is (let’s
call him “Tom” for the sake of this post) Tom from Friday night, how’s it
going?”.
“His name was TOM!” I yelled in the restaurant when he told
me his name…my friend just laughed.
We texted briefly.
And then that was it.
Neither of us initiated any other contact, and that
concluded the successful one night stand.
I felt accomplished in a way, like a right of passage. I felt like a woman, I felt like a satisfied
human being, and it allowed me to not fear sex with new people.
I’m not sure if you’ve had the experience before, but I
think after having been in a long relationship I was worried about sleeping
with someone else. Would it ever be good
again? Would I ever feel comfortable enough to let go like that again?
Well, the answer is (and was)…yes.
Fast forward to about a month ago, and guess who I got a
text from?
You guessed it.
Too funny.
I had tried to find him on Facebook a little while back but
all I knew was his first name, that he lived in/around the city, and that I
would have liked to have run into him again! haha. But
no luck (Facebook stalking is hard without more info).
Some how we both still had each other’s numbers (his was in
my phone as “TOM” from the bar we met at,
once he told me his name), and whether or not he remembered me, my name, or
anything, it was kind of nice to hear from him. I at least wasn’t entered in “DELETE” or as “DO
NOT ANSWER” (Mind you, I have about 7 of these in my phone).
We’ve texted here and there…neither initiating anything. He may see this post actually…but hopefully
he’ll laugh at the situation too, and smile at the memory (or the foggy memory,
as I’m sure it is at this point for both of us).
So what is the lesson/takeaway here?
I think that sexuality is something that if we take charge of it, once in a
while some unattached (or nameless, ha) sex can be fun, as long as we’re smart
about it…
As I’ve said, always there are risks, and I don’t want to
minimize those, but there is only so long a girl can go without some lovin’.
I know I’m not alone on this one, I just might be one of the
only ones willing to admit it.
If you’ll admit it, feel free to anonymously post your on
night stand stories…if only to relive them for a moment, help other’s live
vicariously through you for a moment, or to rid yourself of holding on to the
story and not sharing it for fear of being judged.
Cheers and Happy Valentine’s Day today…be safe, be well, love and be loved.
I work in two clinics each in opposite directions from where I live, so I'm in my car (that I love) all the time where I rock out to good music or listen to NPR. I have plans after work with friends at least 2 or 3 of the 5 days in the week. I go into the city every chance I can. I go out on the weekends. I go to concerts. I was just in Vegas. I have more weddings and wedding planning coming up for dear friends of mine this year and next, and likely the next. I spend time with my family. I go to the gym. I've started to get back into yoga. I was playing field hockey weekly (might do this again). I see a Health Coach every other week. I am in school every 6-8 weeks (over weekends) to study something I'm super interested in. I feel like I do fun things all the time.
Like I said. I'm a busy lady.
Would you believe me if I told you that despite all of this, I'm bored?
In the last couple of weeks I've had this general sense of being bored. It's not that I'm not having fun in the moment, usually I am. Though there are points that I'm at a bar, for example, and I'm a bit bored, but I think that's always been true for me.
So what is this boredom? Is it like being mildly depressed? Is it completely circumstantial? Is it just because I'm in transition that hasn't actually happened yet so I'm just waiting for it?
Maybe it's a bit of all of these things.
Have you felt bored recently? Felt like life is a bit monotonous? Remember when you were bored as a kid?
I see this all the time in my clinical work. Teens, in particular, tend to get themselves into trouble when they're bored, or they feel depressed, or easily agitated. Because, let's face it, as teens there isn't much to do other than the run of the mill stuff, unless it's the stuff you "shouldn't" be doing.
But I have plenty I'm doing, and I'm not a teen experiencing teenage angst.
I keep saying, "well once work is nailed down and once I move into the city I'll feel much better". I'm sure this is partially true. It will be a change I need and want, it will shake things up for me, it will open up new doors for me, etc etc etc.
BUT what I want to avoid is putting my happiness or relief of how I'm feeling now on a change that I don't know when exactly it will happen...and really who is to say that THAT will actually make me happier?
The goal is, and really always should be, to work on happiness where you are, NOW; right where you stand in these circumstances. That way when circumstances improve/change, you can appreciate them, you can transition well, and your happiness isn't contingent of the plan going exactly how you see it (because frankly, it never goes exactly as you planned for). This also allows for happiness when your plan is completely off course, or something different pops up.
"Happiness" (or at least feeling content) in the current moment is what allows us to be the most flexible, resilient, and level headed. When we make decisions from a place of being content, we are much more apt to be happy with it, than if we make decisions from being panicked, or unhappy or angry (though sometimes we have to react/act from that place).
The other thing is there will always be something "else" that we will place our happiness on. For instance, once I move, it could be, well once I have a nicer place, or once I weigh xyz lbs, or once I have a boyfriend. But if we keep moving our happiness/completeness away from us and onto a new goal, the more we spend time focused on things other than now versus just enjoying the path we're on.
You've heard that adage...Life is not about the destination; it's about the ride there (or some version of this). But it's true. If we are too fixated on where we are headed and not where we are, we miss all the important things along the way. Then we'll get there and we'll not be satiated, we won't feel happier. (This is not to say we shouldn't have goals, but the goals shouldn't be in place of working on being content within our current circumstances).
So all in all I need to figure out what I can do to be happier, now.
Even as I type that last sentence I realize what my mistake is.
Do.
I'm doing. I'm doing a lot and maybe I'm doing "too much". I don't think I could possibly ADD any more to what I'm doing.
I mean I'm not really willing to do less (reminds me of Paul Rudd in Forgetting Sarah Marshall - do less, no less, no now you're not doing enough).
But maybe the key isn't about "doing" at all.
Maybe it's time for me to really sit down and evaluate what I can be happy/excited about, and let myself focus on these things to draw me out of this blasé and bored mood.
Things that make me happy:
· I'm healthy
· I'm doing work that I love and I'm good at
· I'm studying/learning/discussing/using information that I find keenly interesting/awesome
· I have WONDERFUL friends in all different parts of my life, who love me for who I am
· I have a FANTASTIC family who is endlessly supportive of me, that is full of love for me and for one another
· I have been fortunate to live at home to save money (or at least save further debt) for the last bunch of months
· I have had great work contacts that have pulled me into their workplaces and helped to foster and grow my career
· I have experienced tough and amazing things in my life, which have all made me more of who I am
· I have traveled near and far and desire to do more of this
· When a great song comes on while I'm driving (or walking) and it's sunny, does it get any better?
· I live in a state/area/country that affords me rights and access to things that I need and appreciate that not everywhere has
· I've been privileged enough to have a wonderful undergraduate and graduate education
· I've had short and long term relationships to learn from and build off of
· I've met some wonderful people around the world
· I feel fortunate that I'm not handicapped or limited in any way
· I feel fortunate that I'm attractive enough that my looks aren't hindering
· I feel fortunate that I have my personality, humor, intelligence, drive
Things that make me excited:
· I'm looking forward to moving and being back on my own in the near future
· I'm so excited to walk around the city on spring days
· I'm excited to lay by the pool in the summer
· I'm excited for our first/next big snow storm and getting my ass skiing again
· I look forward to creating what I want for myself in my career
· I have a lot to look forward to, when that special someone comes into my life
· I have wonderful friends who are marrying wonderful people this year and in the coming years
· My best friend asked me to be her Maid of Honor (really, I feel honored)
· I will to do a lot of traveling when I'm more financially stable
· I look forward to having a family of my own in the future, God willing
· I can't wait to go to more concerts, I don't care if we're getting too old to rock out
· I look forward to the days that I get to use my giant sunroof again
· I want to go to a drive in movie this year
· I want to discover new areas locally and abroad that I haven't before
For those of you, who know "The Secret", here is a bit about setting positive and concrete intentions out into the world/universe.
What I want starting now:
· I want to be genuinely happy with myself and my life without contingencies
· I want ongoing (physical, mental, emotional, behavioral) health for myself and those I love
· I want increased patience with myself and others
· I want increased patience and trust in the things I can't control or change
· I want to feel whole without having a relationship so that I am my best self when I enter into a relationship
· I want time and balance in my life in order to have a healthy and strong relationship
· I want a man to find me and to develop a healthy and balanced relationship, a man who is my equal and my compliment, where we appreciate and support one another mutually, have like minded goals and ideals, where we have strong chemistry/connection on all levels we each need and have a lot of fun together (hey, I'm wish listing here might as well shoot high)
· I want to continue to build my career so that I'm fulfilled by my work intellectually, emotionally, and financially
· I want to be financially and independently stable
· I want to continue to build my career to maximize the amount of people I can help/support/make a difference for
· I want real changes to come that will benefit the health of our planet in the short and long term
· I want peace and compassion, and where there is an absence of peace and compassion I want understanding and compromise at the very least
Now by no means are these complete lists.
However, even writing these things down has helped me to feel a bit more...well...appreciative and excited. Maybe I'll still be bored in some moments, maybe I won't feel happy 100% of every day, but if I can maintain being appreciative and excited, those negative feelings will be fleeting.
Plus when I know what I've got, and what I want, it will be easier for me to reach for the things that are good for me or make the changes that might benefit me.
Feeling like life is a bit stale? Feeling depressed? Feeling like things aren't going right? Hating your job? Worried your relationship isn't "it"?
Make some lists.
Maybe you'll make lists of things that make you happy, excited and what you want like I did. Maybe you'll make a list of goals (just be sure you can also think of ways to be happy until the goals are met). Maybe you'll make a list of things that went well today and just start there (this is something I work on with a lot of clients struggling with feeling overwhelmed or really down).
Either way, acknowledging, tuning for good things, and working on being content in the moment helps us enjoy the ride and focus less on getting to point B, C, D, or Z. Who knows how happy Z will make us, so we might as well not waste and time and be happy now.
SO, since I rarely ask you to do anything, other than think about yourself introspectively, or to comment on things...I want to ask you to check out Vanessa, check out their mission, and donate on Kickstarter!
