Getting Some (Beautiful) Perspective

I'm drinking my venti iced with soy, I just threw two (heaping) loads of laundry in and I'm sitting by my window at my desk.  There is a strong breeze blowing my hair into my face, and it's delightful.  If I closed my eyes, it could almost feel like I'm on a hammock some where glorious. 

It's a warm sunny day, and I'm sure once my laundry is done I'll be itching to get out and about...maybe even for a run.

Despite my post yesterday, I'm feeling particularly thankful today.  Sometimes I wonder why certain days just hit you wrong, and certain days hit you right...maybe it's the breeze.

My good friend beat me to the punch in his awesome blog (follow him!), but last night after I posted about the job, I happened upon photos of the day by Nat Geo...I can't help but feel that maybe this has been a helpful to give me a bit of perspective.

These photos that readers submit from all over the world are awe inspiring and can serve as a reminder about what we need to save by being earth friendly, as well as the fact that the world keeps spinning despite our day to day woes.  I think this is actually comforting. 

I wanted to share with you (they say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery...so Something's Brewing, I hope you don't mind!).

Anyway, flip through a bunch of the pictures, you won't regret it...posted are some of my favorites from the last 1-2 months.

Until next time,
E

Ps. The photos can be found and downloaded by clicking on the picture, they are linked to Nat Geo's site. :)

Beggars Can Be Choosers, I Hope

Things are trucking along since the world didn't end, the next Bachelorette has started and the rain has subsided*...right?

Eh.

Okay I'll do my best not to be over dramatic because really nothing terrible is happening...but I'm feeling stuck in my "poor me" time, and figured I'd get it out and then get the fahk over it.

I'll start with the good stuff...I did it! I graduated with my masters!  I feel very happy and proud, and I'm glad that the chapter has closed. I feel ready to take on what is next.  It of course was a bitter sweet ending, there are some people I'll miss seeing all the time from the program, I miss seeing some of the clients I saw over the last year or so, and it's just so hard to believe that 2 years flew by so quickly.

Now what do I have to show for it? A fancy degree in an overly expensive frame...and this eagerness to find a sweet job that I haven't been able to satiate yet.

Based upon all my hard work, I really feel I deserve to find a job that I enjoy, get excited about, and get paid more than when I worked at a video store in high school.

We all grew up with the idea (from movies, typically) that therapists are (crazy) folks that make good money and don't work very hard because they just sit there being all like "uh huh" and "how does that make you feel?"...but frankly being some one's therapist is a great deal of challenging work...and you don't get paid very well considering the responsibilities (at least until you are seasoned and have your own practice).

Imagine 6-7 people a day, for 50 minutes each, unloading their fears, hopes, addictions, dreams, shattered dreams, trauma, stories of falling in love, heart break, excitement, confusion, frustration, secrets, thoughts of suicide etc on you.  Even if all you did was listen, it's still draining.  The rewarding parts of the work far outweigh the challenges (or else no one would do it) but it's a challenging job working with people to keep themselves healthy, safe and happier. 

My point isn't to make you impressed with the work I do, simply to make the point that being paid decently and validated in that way is important.

Trust me I am not looking to get rich here or I'd consider things like finance, commercial real estate or stripping/gambling. I love the work but I'm just not convinced that it's too much to ask that to make enough money to pay rent, have a decent/reliable car and save a little extra (after I pay out my beer fund). 

This brings me to where I'm at a bit of a stalemate (one of them, anyway).  I got my second job offer for a therapist position today.  Yay! Well, kind of.  So it's a huge compliment and is validating that I've been offered a job, never mind two, however I have to admit I'm disappointed.

I left the interview on Tuesday feeling so great about the clinic, the director and the setting...I literally drove home with a huge smile on my face and squealed a couple times out of excitement.  So to say that I was pumped is an understatement.  Today my offer came, and while it's fantastic that I could have a job, they offered me not very much money as it is their starting rate.

Without getting into the details, it doesn't even get to the low end of the range of what I'm willing to take for an income.  BUMMER.  So I worked some of my negotiation magic, and I'm waiting to see if the spell took hold.  I should know some time next week.  Now that I've talked about it who knows what will turn up.  Until then, I'm biting my tongue.
 
I just felt completely deflated today.  This job was more in line with my needs than the first job offer I got, which was also less than I wanted to take in terms of salary, but getting more of what I need is still a good progression.  Both jobs are "good" jobs...and I wouldn't be stupid for having taken the first one and definitely not if I take this one.  But I also want to weigh what is important to me.  Beggars can be choosers, I hope.

Should this particular job not work out, I'm at least learning more and more about what I want and what I need...but damn it I just want it to work out. (For my life right now you could substitute the word job here with "man", "living situation", "lottery ticket" etc).

Also, I've thought "should I just take it?", "am I being too picky?", "am I being realistic?".  This is not my nature at all to question these things however I have felt especially uneasy about this big transition.

Seeing as I am no longer going to be paying rent for a few months, I can "afford" to wait...but I'm not sure what I'll do, to be honest.  I think it's a typical experience in most senses - the dance of, do I take something now so I know I have a job, or do I wait, and possibly wait for a while?

I suppose this is a silly thing to complain about (wah wah, I can have a job but I might not take it, poor me...), it feels stupid to even write about it.

But really I just feel like this is one more thing in my life that I just want to work.  I'm sick of having to be so patient for things to pan out, or for all the puzzle pieces to come together.  I just want it to resolve with something fantastic so I can look back and say I made the right decisions, this is a good thing, I'm happy...

I'm not worried (much).  I know it will happen.  Essentially I'm frustrated and don't enjoy feeling like thing are out of my hands, especially big things that can make such a large impact on me.

Ah well, I'm sure the end of next week will have brought about world of changes and updates, and I might as well stay open to whatever that is at this point.  I'll keep y'all posted (obviously).

Until next time,
E

*PS. I got some funny/great feedback about the umbrella commentary (in person and in emails), don't be afraid to comment on the actual blog so people can see it folks!

PPS.  Thank you to all of you that reached out with congratulations over the last week or so, and for the warm feedback about my blog...really means a lot!

Oh hey there...nice umbrella.

Since we're on the topic of Noah-reminiscent rain, and clearly we are, I thought I'd bring up one of the age old questions.  Should men use umbrellas?

Okay so I realize this is sexist and double standardish but I was just walking back from running some errands (new cardigan for graduation and nylons since it will not be May-like weather tomorrow and I'm wearing a fun dress) and I passed a guy who was very attractive, I'd say late 20's, tall, built, manly and overall very much my type.  Then I saw, the umbrella.

At the very least it was one of the big ones (that's what she said).  You know, one of them tall cane-like umbrellas. It was at least a bit more masculine than say a pink zebra print pop-out J. Crew umbrella (mine)...but it's an umbrella none the less.

I think I would have been less surprised by it if he were wearing a suit and looking like he had to preserve his attire for an important meeting, if he was older (40+ umbrella is more acceptable, no?) or even if he were metro or something where you could chalk it up to having a fashion sense.  But no.  He was wearing a dark green polo, khakis, loafers and looked like he stepped out of Abercrombie from the days where the music wasn't as loud, the girls weren't as whorish and when I used to shop there...I bet he was even wearing boxers with moose on them and Woods (apparently it's back).

Anyway, he was very cute, and for that I wouldn't say an umbrella is make or break.  I mean, I carry around my umbrella pretty much everywhere, but that is really because my hair will get curly if it gets wet, or I'm not wearing waterproof mascara or something. 

I wonder if he felt self conscious or if there was a moment of hesitation this morning when he decided to bring it along with him on his saunter down the road, to where ever he was going.  Maybe he didn't think about it at all.

Don't get me wrong, I like a guy who takes care of himself but it was just striking that this guy was more worried about getting his short hair and polo wet than the fact that he had to lug around a huge umbrella and look like a frat boy who stole some old mans cane...and it's not even raining today (yet).

I suppose I could imagine being happy dating a guy who carried an umbrella on those days where I have misplaced or had forgotten my own...or you know because of the whole dating a guy part.  Details, details.

Until next time,
E

End of the World? May 21, 2011

I'm at my mom's house today and we've been prepping my old bedroom for my arrival.  I'm taking a break from cleaning and moving stuff to watch some tv.

My mom has a new flat screen in the living room so I found a good HD channel (Science Channel) and the show playing is "Meteorite Men" which is pretty interesting.

I was planning on writing about the end of the world today anyway so I figured while I'm watching this show is as good a time as any.

You probably have heard that May 21st, 2011 is the end of the world.  Well, at least that is the rumor.  There have been about 20 of these rumors over the course of my life, but I didn't have a blog then, so here you go.

An article that explains this phenomenon can be found here, or you can google it.   Okay I'm kiding, that's not a good article at all, but I found it hilarious that people are worried about their dogs after the world ends (sad thought but, wouldn't they be dead too?), and the fact that these people are willing to pay to sign them over to an Athiest (ironic considering those worried about rapture are religious).

Now while I find them interesting topics of discussion, I'm no plate tectonic expert, cosmos expert or even climate change expert (that's one of my mom's area of knowledge, though).   I do have to say there have been a lot of wacky things going on as of late.  Tsunamis, earth quakes, all the unrest/upheaval in the Middle East, hurricanes,  bird flu (ha, don't get me started), warm winters, extremely long cold winters, rainy summers, and blastingly hot summers...oh my!  I mean they even have an entire TV series on the meteorites that hit earth.

So on one level I understand that here is cause for concern that the earth may be turning against us, or the fear that the earth will not escape a large Texas sized meteor like it did in the age of Ben Affleck's Armageddon.

I thought about this theme and there have been many songs written about this fear, even if abstractly, as often songs about the end of the world are political songs or commentary versus being about the actual apocalypse (with the exception of Britney of course, I'm sure it is about the Apocalypse versus just about sex...ha).

(I'm not intending any copy write infringement by posting/suggesting these songs)
Muse - Apocalypse, Please
R.E.M - It's The End of The World
Britney - Till the World Ends
Tool - Ænima  If you don't know how weird (and awesome) Tool is, then don't watch the video, as their artistry is more intense/disturbing than their songs...if that's possible.
Soundgarden - Black Hole Sun
Doors - The End 

Now bringing us back down to earth here, I find it hard to believe that on the 85th birthday of my grandfather, doomsday will occur. I don't know, I just feel like I've made plans for next week already (including an interview!), and I just can't imagine that this "is it".

If this was it I'd assume a lot of us would feel pressure with 3 days to atone, binge on sex/drugs/rock and roll and tell lots of people we love them.

I believe that we should probably do this more day to day anyway (aside from the binging on drugs thing). Granted we need to keep in mind that our actions have consequences, as the world isn't in fact ending...but living life to the fullest is probably a best practice about being mindful and present.

So, what would you do if you knew that the world was ending in 3 days?  What of those things should we be doing now? 

I think what is nice about this hoopla is that it gives people (not swept up in the fear) the opportunity to be reflective and see what in their lives they would like to change, add, remove, etc.  In no way am I trying to give y'all panic attacks about the end of the world, and I hope that you're not someone who is taking this too too seriously (if you are you might want to hit "next blog" a couple of times and find a religious blog and follow that instead).

With that said, I do think it is a good time (like spring cleaning) to reevaluate ourselves.

I suppose it's possible that come Saturday (after I graduate!) that this blog will be blasted into the ether along with the people reading this, but I'm going to take a chance and say...I'll see you Sunday.

That way if I'm right, hey I'm right, and if I'm wrong, it won't matter.

Until next time (or at least until Saturday),
E

Moving home gracefully and temporarily. (Part I)

So it's official.  Like, Facebook official.

My roommate of the last almost 2 years, and friend from my previous work life (advertising, prior to making the move to psychology), is moving back to her home state.  She's moving for a bunch of reasons including an awesome job opportunity.  I'm super excited for her, sad to see her go, sad to leave my amazing apartment, and stressed that everything is so up in the air at once (school, work, etc).

This happened pretty suddenly, and she's moving in about 3 weeks...therefore I've had to do some serious on my toes thinking.  I considered having someone move in to fill her room, but as amazing as our apartment is, I can't really afford it moving forward (seeing as I don't have a job, yet).

Since our lease is up at the end of the summer, I'd been assuming I would move to a cheaper apartment or move into a one bedroom and live alone, around then anyway.  Since I wasn't planning on staying here much longer, bringing someone in for the summer and me paying rent with money I don't have, just felt like it didn't make the most sense given the time constraints on making this decision.

What made a little more sense (but is emotionally loaded and I dare say is stigmatized), is 

moving back to my mom's house for the summer.

I know.  I know.

This does make sense as there are some major benefits not limited to not paying rent, a pool in the backyard for the summer, more flexibility on the time pressure of getting a job I like and even getting a break from the city for a little bit.  I'll be just about a half hour outside the city, which isn't bad, most of my friends have already offered up their couches for weekend fun in the city...and ultimately the saving grace is this is temporary with an even better end result in sight.

This is what I keep telling myself.  Lots of smart, good reasons to go home for the summer as I transition and work towards some of my goals.

It's been about, well, let's just say, many years since I've lived at home and I never pictured myself needing to move back.  I suppose, there are worse things. I'm fortunate my mom is willing to have me, it's a nice house (did I mention the pool?), and that it will really allow me to take my time finding a job I love, figure out my living situation back in the city, and save up some money to start paying off school loans...

I can talk myself in circles, but really I just have to be okay with this.  The decision has been made.

Over the next few weeks I'll start to move things home and take over one of the rooms that used to be mine on the other side of the house from my mom's.

My mom and I discussed boundaries, giving each other space, the fact that her boyfriend will be around, about me having people over, me helping out around the house, etc etc.  We've had some hard, open and honest conversations around some of the things it brings up since the last time I lived there our family was different (which included my stepfather, which remains a painful area of our lives).

Ultimately, overall...I don't think it will be bad to live there for a little.

Am I embarrassed? Yes. Am I relieved that I can find a job and not be so stressed out about rent for a couple of months? Absolutely.

I'll keep you posted on how gracefully I can manage the moving process, regressing to a living situation of a 17 year old while maintaining my maturity and independence, and maintaining a social life of a young, fun, single, twenty-something.

Sounds slightly impossible, but if anyone can do it, I know I can.

Until next time,
E

Lucky Friday the 13th

It took me until about a half hour ago to realize it was Friday the 13th (this is due to not having any structure or real need to know what day it is due to being in transition - see last few posts to get the scoop).

It's surprising that I didn't know because this is something I typically pay great attention to.

I guess you could say I'm a bit superstitious.

I was actually born on a Friday the 13th a few years ago...You may be thinking what people usually say when they hear this: "oh scary!" or "oh that explains a lot".  I'm not clear on what either really mean, but I usually respond with "no way it's awesome".

Some of my closest friends were also born on 13th's, (mayy on Fridays too) and we agree that it's very lucky.  I'd go as far to say as it might just be the best day to be born, but I'm partially biased. 

Aside from really liking Friday the 13th's, I also tend to bite my tongue or knock on wood.  I've been told that knocking on wood is a reference to knocking on the wood of the cross, and that biting one's tongue is more of a Jewish thing, so I guess pick your dogma poison...I tend to do both, just in case.

I'm often worried about jinxing things by talking about them or getting excited about them before they happen...but I think ultimately this is just avoiding being disappointed.  Although there seems to be an uncanny correlation to when I talk about something "big" that may happen, that it doesn't end up happening (for better or for worse).  Even simple things like shaving your legs.

Ladies, ever notice the correlation of prepping and shaving your legs and not meeting someone out...I swear it's when we don't have time to update the smoothness of our legs we end up hitting it off with someone at the bar.

I think the largest part of my superstitious nature is around LUCK (from the Irish portion of myself perhaps). I do also believe that certain people have more luck than others. I have a history of being very, as I see it, "lucky" in a lot of ways (I won't list them in the hopes of not jinxing any pending luck).  I do also think that luck comes in bunches...

For instance right now I don't feel particularly lucky since my life is up in the air in almost all aspects, but I wouldn't be surprised that all those things will lock into place in kind of this big cosmic shift.  One thing will change and the domino effect will hopefully get things aligned.

If all of this sounds weird to you then I'd say you're the odd one because most people have some aspect of this...why do you think so may people play the lottery?

Anyway, so today is going to be a lucky day for me, I've decided.  I don't know what kind of luck is in store for me, but I'm hoping it comes in the form of an awesome opportunity, however that manifests.

Maybe I'm just hopeful that I have some control over things that are actually out of my control, and thinking in terms of "luck", or "not jinxing things" helps me feel in some sort of control.  Hey at this point, I'll take it.

Are there things you're superstitious about?

Biting my tongue until next time,
E

allergies and more crap tv

There is pollen everywhere.  There is a film of yellow/green on my car, on the sill outside my window, and apparently coating my throat and lungs.

Today my head feels like a bowling ball and I feel blehh (AKA super sexy).  I did some of my "to-do's" and followed up on a job lead I'm excited about to at least feel moderately productive...but I'm feeling bummed and bored on my second day of freedom. 

Hopefully I'll feel good enough to at least be able to enjoy going out tonight for our program graduation dinner, and that I'll feel good enough for a run tomorrow.

With all the annoyances of allergies, I can't totally write off pollen.  We need pollen to bring us things like flowers and plants, honey (I'm all about honey) and today feeling sick gave me the excuse to lay around and watch some crap TV.  

I'm embarrassed to admit it, so clearly I will, I got sucked into a marathon of the show Made.  I'm passing it off as research into the age group that I'll likely work with (adolescents/ young adults).

I'm not sure why I like the concept of the jock turning ballroom dancer, and bully turning beauty queen, but I do.  Maybe because we have all thought, at some point that, we'd like to be different than we are.  MTV tries to make the moral of the story that there are many things we can do if we are open to try them...and while this can be true it also further shows that people are good at making asses of themselves on national TV.

I wonder what I would want to be "made into" if I were on that show?  Maybe a skateboarder, salsa dancer or a rapper.

Yikes, good thing I'm too old to be on it.  Looks like I'll stick with whatever it is that I am, allergies and all.


Until next time <<achu!>>,
E

10 Goals To H.A.G.S.

So I've been a bit quiet since I've been busy the last two weeks wrapping up graduate school...and hey, I'm officially done!!!

Classes ended on this past Thursday, internship ended on Friday and today I passed in my last paper...I have to bring some final documentation into the program tomorrow, but it's all signed sealed and just waiting to be delivered.  I graduate at the end of next week and then...?

Well, I'm on an indefinite (but hopefully short lived as I need an income) vacation.  The goal is to land some work in the nearish future and so the job hunt has been reinvigorated from it's neglected back burner position from the last couple of weeks.

People keep asking me "How does it feel to be done?!"

...to which I'm still not sure how to answer.  It's mixed, some moments I'm very excited, some I'm scared, some I'm happy and some I'm sad.  There are so many things I can do now, and I know I'll end up helping a lot of people. I'm nervous to start a new job and have new challenges as well as still being unsure if I'm "ready" or not...although I'm as ready as I'm going to be!  I've been so lucky to be a part of my small, tight-knit program...I will miss seeing the people who really became such great friends as much as we have in the past 2 years.

Anyway, I want to take the opportunity to set some goals for myself for the upcoming weeks and this summer:

1. Get a job.  No, get a great job.  I want something I enjoy doing, population I enjoy working with, shortish commute, good pay, the potential to grow clinically and ultimately get licensed at the end of the mandatory 2 years.

2. Take the Licensing exam in my state.  My goal is to take that this summer to get it out of the way, so that I'll be licensed eligible. (Licensing after 2 years means that I can practice on my own, vs. under another clinician's supervision).

3.  Read a ton of books.  I haven't had much time to read for fun in the last 2 years, aside for on breaks.  There are some books I already have that I can start to pour into, but I'm really open to some must read suggestions, let me know your thoughts!  (I have Russell Brand's "My Booky Wook" staring at me from my book pile right now...maybe he can help teach me how to improve on #7?  You know you're in trouble for some good reading when you turn to Russell Brand for guidance and brain food.)

4.  Keep up with my running.   I've been doing pretty well since I posted about getting my run on.  I try to run 3-4 times a week, and I try and run about 2-4 miles a run...while this ain't no marathon it's a huge improvement from when I started up again a couple of months back.

5.  Start my yoga practice (haha).  I think I could benefit from the moving mediation and my body is still stressed coming off the school year, an needing some stretching out...If you are local to me and have a yoga class you like, let me know I'd like to join you.

6.  Be more financially responsible and thus stable.  I'm in the brainstorming stages on how I can do this...Hoping this summer is focused on saving myself some money, setting myself up for fiscal stability in the nearish future.  I hope to maintain an active, fun and social life while not spending as if the government is still paying for me (thank you direct student loans, and I curse you too).

7.  Be more silly.  I've noticed, as well as been told, that I take things too seriously.  I mean I'm a joker, I joke around a lot...whether or not I'm funny is another question, but I'm very sarcastic and joking is part of my personality...but what I mean is being able to let go.  I'm working on being less, I'll say, controlling for the lack of a better way to say it.  Like for instance, typically I get really annoyed when I'm trying to play a game with friends and people aren't paying attention, or people are having side conversations and holding the game up.  But the reality is, who cares? The fun part is that we're hanging out playing a game.  Simple example but maybe you catch my drift.

8.  Stop being so hard on myself.  I had a wonderful conversation with one of my best friends last week and she pointed out that I have a hard time letting those close to me know when things aren't alright.  I mean I blog, obviously, but when people ask me how I'm doing, if it's not in the heat of the moment of challenge, I'm always "fine".  She let me know that I can afford to be more open with things aren't great, and that my friends are really here for me when I need them...which I knew, but is so nice to hear since I don't often take people up on the opportunity to vent, cry, etc.  She also noted that even when I was talking about stuff that was hard for me right now, that I qualified it with "well we all have tough stuff going on".  I guess I allow other people to have hard things going on, but dismiss myself when I do.

9.  Figure out more fun things for my list.

10.  Enjoy some down time.  I want to hang by my mom's pool, get to the beach, hang out with  my friends, take some alone time, do some camping, be out in nature, eat healthy yummy foods...sleep in sometimes...While I need to keep some structure, and I have to make money, I want to allow myself some time to relax and rejuvenate, now that I can.

Remember the old yearbook phrase H.A.G.S. (have a good summer)?  It's simple, but I'm bringing it back.  Who know we were so wise as middle-schoolers?

Until next time,
E