to upgrade, or not to upgrade in this disposable society

"Oh no! What happened?!" is a question I've been hearing a lot lately from friends, family and even strangers.

In a frenzy to get out the door in time to make it to class one morning,  my headphones (I was obviously listening to NPR) got caught on the front door handle of the building and my Droid flew to the ground with such great force that it couldn't withstand the impact. 

I swear the crackling that spread across the screen happened a split second after it hit, and since the world was moving in slow motion as I yelled "nooooo!" I caught a glimpse of it as if it were in slow motion on that show Time Warp.

It almost stopped me from going to class. I felt defeated before the day had even begun, but I picked up the phone and realized it still worked, so off to class I went.

...that was well over two months ago, and this is how it looks today.  

Broken.  

But functioning.  

People have been very perplexed by this (unless of course their own phones look just like it, like my friend's twin phone...mine was in a case here)

"How much does it cost to fix/replace?"  

"Why haven't you gotten it fixed yet?"  

"Doesn't it drive you crazy?" 

"Awe your phone looks so sad."

It's pretty funny to me actually.  Everyone from my aunt, to a guy at a bar, has commented about it.  People seem so concerned about the screen on my phone, and are confused why I haven't replaced it yet.

I keep wanting to say "CONGRATULATIONS! You're the 100th person to comment on my broken phone!" 

Yes, I'm aware that I pay insurance for a reason and that Verizon would replace my phone for $50.  

But then I'd have to go in the store and be like "I dropped my phone", they'd have to ship me a new one (since they don't carry the replacement phones in store these days), I'd have to go to Verizon to transfer my info (or figure out how to do it myself, though it doesn't sync with my Mac), then send the broken phone back.  Or something to that effect.

And then what happens to the broken one? With this much damage I'm hard pressed to think they would "fix" it to give to someone as refurbished...especially since the charger jack is jacked up and you have to wrap the chord around the phone to keep it tight enough to charge.  So it would likely end up in a landfill somewhere.  Or instead, it will end up in my desk drawer with all my other old phones (Nokia brick phone, a couple flip phones, a Blackberry) once I cave (IF I cave) and get an iPhone.

Okay so I should probably get a new phone, but why so much pressure to do so?  

Are we such a disposable society that even when something works, if it is blemished we immediately assume we need to fix it, or get a new one? Yes, yes we are.

For the most part, the phone works.  So for now, I'm keeping it.

There have been other things that I've easily tossed to the side for a new one.  Typically when things are actually broken (like a camera that went swimming in my purse when my bottle of water opened inside), or when I've had something for a really long time and a new technology has made the other one nearly obsolete (think heavy old TV...in comes Mr. Flatscreen). 

Obviously there are people who have thought about this.  With the influx of electronics in our lives and the speed with which new electronic, gadgets and cars (I'll get to this in a second) come out and change, we are lured into replacing what we have.  

We need to be more conscious of our "stuff".  

Some companies (on a local and national level) are focusing on helping people with recycling/safely throwing away of odd things from refrigerators, batteries to electronics, which is really smart.  But who knows about those services, or thinks about them when upgrading?  Well, hopefully now you.

Sooo back to me and this upgrading shenanigans.

On a larger scale than my Droid, I recently asked myself the question "To upgrade, or not to upgrade", and I have made the decision to "upgrade" my car in the next few months or so.

I drive a 2001 Civic (Vicki) Coupe (it's a standard because I'm bad ass, though I'm kind of sick of shifting).  I've had the car for about 8 years and it has really been a great little zippy car for the city, has great gas mileage, and until the last few months it was working without any major problems.  Hondas are pretty sound cars.

It has 75k miles on it, is in good condition, has a a few rattling sounds, but overall is still a really good car.  It's not really that bad.  I just fixed some necessary stuff (breaks, A/C, got a tune up, oil change).  It's very safe to drive but I probably still could have every rattle and thud sound fixed for another $1k or so (making the work about $2k in all) and drive that baby into the ground for the next 5 years...but for a car worth $4-$5k is that worth it?  Maybe.  Probably.

So why would I want a new(er) car?  Well I just feel like I want a car that is a bit nicer, and not 

The truth is I've been fixated for the last couple of months on cars (more so than I normally am).  I'm talking car envy like woah. When I'm out driving all I look at are other cars these days..."Would I like that?" or "Oh, I like that".  

At one point I was so distracted this week looking at all the cars around me that I missed my exit coming home from work on the highway.

Sounds like a healthy obsession, no?  

Most likely why I'm always a bit car fixated is I grew up with my parents having beat up older cars that i was embarrased of. I think that this feeling (among other things we couldn't really afford at that time) has left an imprint on me.  I, like millions of others, see cars as a bit of a status symbol...or an indication that someone has "made it".  So now that I'm a real working adult again, and have "made it", I want a nicer car.  

Financially it has only recently made sense since I'm now working, not in school and I'm living at home for the time being.  Since I'm saving money by not paying rent, I'll be able to use some money that has been tucked away (my dad left me a little bit when he passed away, and I've finally decided it's time to use it) and graduate to a new-to-me car. 

It was kind of emotional to let go and say that I'm going to use the money from my dad as it is the last thing I have from him .  Ultimately what I wanted was for that money to be spent on something meaningful that I could feel like he "gave" to me.

What I realized the other day (when I decided that I'd use the money, finally) is that what he's giving me is really a gift of some freedom.  He's giving me a fresh start with some of my finances after grad school (which helps with the anxiety) and a little help with snagging some newish wheels (which helps lessen the lame factor of living at home for a bit).

So, yesterday I paid off my two credit cards which is a huge relief.  Yay for my only debt now being enough school loans to feed a small country!!

Next step is car hunting.  I have to do some research to see what I can really afford, and what I want.    Granted I won't be able to nab the Mercedes that I'd love (in banana yellow, obvi), or a nice new hybrid SUV, or even a brand-brand new car, but maybe I'll land a ride that is only a few years old that will last me as long as my trusty Civic has.

I don't think it's too lofty to want something to show for my hard work in graduate school and for the challenging job I've taken on for my career (but mostly just something nice to sit in for my commute everyday).

Ultimately I'll probably be buying someone else's "I'm ready for a nicer car"-car, and hopefully when I trade mine in, she ends up with someone who loves her, who will get some good years out of her (at least before good ol' Vic ends up as a crushed up block of steel, rubber and plastic in some landfill).

Hey, at the very least I'm being kind of green and sticking it out with the Droid, for now.

Wish me luck car hunting, if you have car buying tips let me know!

Vrooom.  Until next time,

E

I'll admit it, I love my hometown.

Just to calm your worries that I've gone off the deep end, I'm actually doing okay and appreciating literally where I am...

Yesterday we celebrated my mom's 50th birthday.  In short, she is an amazing lady.  I'm very fortunate that she's my mom and my friend (and so far a great roommate, too).

I was so excited to give her the present I got for her, that I gave it to her before I left for work (which was my first day!), versus at dinner.  Hopefully she'll get some great use and joy out of the sailing membership I got her!  She hasn't been sailing is some 30 years, but used to love it and teach it at a summer camp off the coast.

We ate at this nice restaurant attached to the mall (that has been redone a couple of times since I was a kid) which had outdoor seating, delicious food, and even better wine.  Oh, the wine.

Buzzed, we decided to walk through the mall to sober up and look for shoes for work/fun/summer.  I landed a pair of Michael Kors shoes that I'm now obsessed with enough I'd like to wear them around the house.

We had some fun playing around with hats and sunglasses that looked hilarious on us in Nordstrom, and laughed until our stomach muscles burned. Gotta love wine.  "Everyone can look like Julia Roberts dahling".  I was worried we might get kicked out.  Haha, well maybe you had to be there.

Last night was one of those summer nights where you can't tell if it's cool or not because it's a bit humid.  On my drive home after our buzzes wore off, things were quiet and still...except for my Civic.  Windows down, music blasting and my arm windsurfing as I drove through the tree lined streets of my hometown.

I flashed back to amazing memories of high school.


Walking through the halls of our school, being a part of the 420 or so of us that made up our class, bonfires, nights at the hut and tressel,  football games, the excitement of liking someone new, school dances, sports, my teams, being so sore at field hockey camp you couldn't walk up the stairs to your room, laughing, the same lunch table every day, driving around in a caravan of cars looking for something to do, 24 hour BK, decorating friends cars with cones from road construction, sledding down the aqueduct, ice cream cake police fake outs, parties - so many parties (keep your eyes open for a post about parties, soon), knowing where you can park your car and be near invisible to do whatever, knowing where you need to avoid parking your car, early release days walking to get pizza, not having a worry in the world but feeling like everything was the biggest deal, the video store I worked at, sneaking out the window at night (mom, you already know about this), crushes on my friends' older siblings and their friends, tackle football nights, getting into trouble for acting your age, not getting into trouble for things you should have...

This large town, which is very diverse in all senses (race/ethnicity, socio-economic status, religion, nation of origin, occupations, life path's, etc), has provided me with a wonderful community to be brought up in.  There are parts of it that are beautiful and green, which I've appreciated so much more now that I had lived in the city for so long, there are parts that are city-like, there are parts you shouldn't go after dusk, and there are parts where when you drive by you can't help remember the good ol' days.

Last night, I became overcome by thankfulness that this is where I grew up and even more profoundly, that the closest friends in my life were given to me in the simplest of circumstances.  I posted a status on facebook that was similar to this posts sentiment, and several people commented and liked it, so I figured I might as well share it here.

What's more heart warming than the beauty of parts of the town, is the people that fill it or used to fill it, and have been wonderful parts of my life.

This past year alone there have been a number of deaths that have shaken our community. Every time a large part of my class gets together to support the loved ones, we always say that we have to stop meeting like this....and it's true.  We need to start having happy occasions bringing us together.  Hopefully I can round everyone up for our reunion next year at the very least.

We've been very fortunate, however, that our class has stayed so close.

In high school, like all high schools, we had our groups.  Those groups from what I can tell have stayed in tact for the most part, with some overlapping and branching out.

Very few of us went really far away and stayed there.  Most have ended up back in our town or in the city 22 miles away, and still hang out with our close friends from home.

My college friends, my work friends from my advertising days, and even my grad school friends, didn't often identify with still being very close with those from home.  Of course people still had friends from their own childhoods, but most of their friends were from college or after.  I'd say 90% of my large friend circle (I feel blessed by the amount of people I can call my good friends, not just on Facebook) is all from pre-school through high school.

I wonder if this is a unique phenomenon for our community since it's so large that our bonds had to be really strong? Or since we had some adversity and loss in high school days and since, that we're all 'in this together'?...I don't know what it is, but I like it that aspect of my community.

We've all changed a great deal since high school, but it's like we've all grown together since then.  Given the recent get-togethers (though seemingly for terrible reasons) I think I've noticed that there are people that I wasn't very close with in high school that I could see myself enjoying being closer friends with now.

At the risk of sounding like a townie (it's always said so negatively, but frankly in this town it's just recognizing a good thing, in my opinion)...I'll admit it, I love my hometown.

As I settle into this town again for these next few months or so, I'm looking forward to spending some time in my old stomping grounds, seeing some of the people that are here still, seeing people when they visit their families, and appreciating the trees.  So let me know when you're in town.

I'm definitely missing the city, but feeling a bit more relaxed about the whole thing now that the move is over.

...and hey, one of the best benefits of the suburbs? I can wear heels to and from work without commuter flats, because I'm in the car versus walking.  At this point I'll take it.

Until next time,
Hometown girl, E

Moving home gracefully and temporarily. (Part II)

I'm not sure I'm doing such a great job at this whole graceful thing.

For those of you who know me pretty well, I'm not a crier.  I can probably count how many times I've cried in the last 3 or so years on my hands, and they've typically been by all accounts cry-worthy events (break ups, loss of a loved one, loved ones diagnosis of cancer, etc).  I don't get overly emotional and cry very often (okay fine, sometimes in sappy movies).  My therapist thinks I need to cry more, and I think she's probably right.  I hold it in, keep composed and sometimes I need to let it all out.

And that brings us to this morning.

This morning I sat on my bathroom floor crying as I was sorting through bottles with 1/5th left of shampoo or body lotion left in them, feeling overwhelmed with what to do with them all...on top of the chaos that is my apartment in order to get it ready to move out tomorrow. (Note:  I ended up combining all the shampoos I liked regardless of the brand, to one super shampoo.  My hair will not know what to do with itself.)

I'm sad.  I'm sad to be leaving my amazing apartment with the amazing view of the city, its tall ceilings, crown molding and beautiful natural light; I'm sad to be leaving the city that I've lived in for 5 years and love so much;  I'm sad that while I have friends moving in to apartments to live alone for a year or so, or in with their boyfriends...that I'm moving home; I'm sad that when people say "It's what's best for you right now, it's a smart move for the time being to save up some money", that it's true.  I'm sad.

This week, and the last two weeks, I've just not really been myself.  I've been half moved between my apartment and my old-now-new bedroom, which means that it has been chaos in both places. I've slept like crap and woke up disoriented when I was at home, and at my apartment, forgetting where I slept that night (I've been alternating as I bring loads of stuff home), we had a friend tragically lose a parent which was so sad, and also brought up so much for me in terms of my parental situation...especially since I'm moving home and the last time I lived at home my step-dad lived there too.  So it's just been a loaded week.

Who wouldn't want to get therapy here? :)

I've also, in the midst of all of this, began to set up of my office for my new job (the work in progress is pictured right, I'll spare you from pictures of what my apartment looks like).  It's tidy, clean, kind of serene, I've gotten compliments on it from other therapists at the office, and I feel really proud of it.  Basically this is my criteria for places that are mine...it's been my oasis this last week, oddly enough. I'm very much looking forward to building the beginning of my career there.  I'm very thankful that the work aspect of my life is starting to take shape and feel grounded, while the rest of my life feels fragmented.

So after I stopped crying, I felt much better. I guess I needed a release, and since I wasn't getting laid on that bathroom floor, crying was how it manifested.

I decided to get my obligatory Venti. I felt a little weird ordering at Starbucks with my sunglasses on given that it's been pouring out, but I'm not one of those attractive criers...my eyes puff up and it looks like I've been stung by a bee and need an epi-pen.

Alas, halfway through my Venti I feel much more clear headed and determined to make this apartment, and all my stuff in it, my bitch.

I didn't want moving to be an emotional thing, I fought it. I've been talking about it rationally since it is smart for me to do right now, and will pay off (literally and figuratively) in the long run if I take some time to not pay rent.  But what I know about myself, and what I tell my clients, when you fight the emotional piece of things it gets bigger and bigger.

Bigger and bigger until you feel like you've lost your mind and are sitting on your bathroom floor crying to a bottle of Panteen ProV.  Oy.

Okay, so in all of this I've learned a few things.  Most importantly, a slow move by doing it piecemeal is counter to every fiber that makes up who I am.  I'm an Aries (freakily my horoscopes have been right on lately, anyone else?), I'm impulsive and quick in my decisions, I need things to be the way I need them (type A, order and control are desired), I function better when challenging things happen like ripping off a band aid: over and done.  Frankly, you're all probably sick of hearing about my packing and moving at this point, so we'll all be much better off come the end of this weekend.

This long fiasco that I thought would be helpful in terms of moving things bit by bit was a mistake.  Next time I'll hire (hot) movers, I'll do it all at once, and I'll be moving somewhere that I'm really excited to live, or maybe even own depending up on how long I can save rent money.

Okay, enough procrastinating.  I'm off pack the rest of my stuff for really real this time.

Until next time,
E

grief and loss

Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays.  They can all bring up happy memories, and also bring up challenging ones.

Today would be my dad's birthday.  He would have turned 76 today (holy cow).  It's been just over 4 years since he passed away.  Crazy how time flies, at the same time it feels like a lifetime ago.  With Father's day this upcoming weekend, I'm sure I'll be thinking of him and my step-dad a lot.

This weekend we got news that a friend of our's father passed away.  Every loss is different, every relationship is different, but when life as you know it changes suddenly, it's terrible.  Something that many of us are familiar with.  My heart goes out to her and her family at this painful time.

For those of you who have lost someone, or fear losing someone who may be battling with an illness, when you hear of another person's loss it can be quite triggering.  Grief is such a profoundly painful and sad experience and it can be illicited by a memory, a sound, a smell, a joke...it's this lingering pain that sits in your chest and chokes up your throat.

I'm by no means a "grief expert". I've experienced a few significant losses, and I lead a grief group for my clients (who lost a significant member of their family - parent, sibling, or best friend) last fall, where I saw some other people's experience in a raw form.  While everyone experiences grief in different ways there are the patterns that most people often cycle through, and I'd say it's not a linear path.

The literature says that the grief process is as follows (paraphrased from the Center for Grief & Healing):

• Shock - numbness, sometimes no tears or emotion, denial - this typically gives way to being emotional, but some have a prolonged stage of shock.  In our culture when someone is emotionless after a loss, it can be unsettling, but is part of the process for many people.
• Emotional Release - person begins to feel the pain, important in these moments to not suppress the feelings or they surface later in unhealthy way.  This is typically when strong bonds are strengthened and the sharing of these emotions is healing.
• Preoccupation with the Deceased or the Crisis - grieving person finds it difficult to not think about this person, typically dissipates over time
• Symptoms of Some Physical and Emotional Distress - this may come in different cycles, can look like anxiety, depression, lack of sleep, exhaustion, stomach upset, and others.  These feelings are normal physiological effects, and while sometimes they feel alarming they are expected and pass over time.
• Hostile Reactions - anger, frustration, short fuse, this will sometimes catch you off guard.  Anger can be directed at anyone, or the person who was lost.
• Guilt - almost always guilt is part of the bereavement process "what could I have done?", "why didn't I just do x?", "why wasn't I able to help?"
• Depression - this isn't considered clinically diagnosed when it is in response to a loss/grief.  Typically the low mood of depression and thoughts of hopelessness pass before it becomes a clinical concern.
• Withdrawal - pulling away from social relationships, daily routines are disrupted, "life feels like a bad dream", worth pushing through and being around others during this time, despite it being challenging to do so.
• Resolution and Readjustment - beginning to heal, life is moving forward, acceptance, understanding

While different literature says it in different terms, and combines some stages and breaks others out, you get the idea.  It ain't pretty, but they are all normal reactions to a terrible life event like loss.

With losses that I've experienced as well as loved ones' losses, people often don't know what to do for the person grieving.

Some people will recoil and react in what feels like a cold and removed way.  This can feel particularly painful when the person is a primary support.  Typically this is a reaction of discomfort or fear about what is expected of them, and it may bring up past experiences from their own lives that lay unresolved.

Other people are very hands on and help to take over for the duties of those immediately affected and help with arrangements, continuous support and help out the family immensely.

Most people fall somewhere in the middle, checking in on the loved one who is suffering, offering their help and attending whatever celebrations or ceremonies are being held in the lost one's honor (if at all, some grief is also the loss of a person who has not passed away but is out of their lives, and this becomes complex to resolve and have closure on).

Everyone struggles with what to say.  I'm sorry. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm so sorry to hear. They were a great person, they lived a great life. This is terrible, their life was cut too short.  They will be missed. I'm here for you.  I love you.


In my opinion, and take this for what it is, just you being there as a support is what someone will remember.

I don't remember exactly what people said to me when my dad died, I don't know what people said to me when we found out that my step-dad has terminal cancer, but I do remember the friends who sent me cards, I remember the hugs and the phone calls, I remember people checking in on me and I remember the support and love.

So for supporters my suggestion is this...don't worry so much about what you're saying, maybe with this less is more.  What is important are the gestures, the hugs, the support, the favors, the checking in.

Even when the hustle and bustle is over...

Keeping in mind the stages above, and the fact that many people cycle through them, some stages are longer and shorter than others, and that every loss is different in terms of scale and effect...you can imagine that 3 weeks post the passing of their loved one is probably not enough time for them to no longer need support.

The challenge is that life does move forward.  You as a supporter, or a griever, have your own challenges in your life, you have work, you have responsibilities, and once you're integrated back to your life it can be really difficult to remember that this person you care about is still actively in pain.  Making sure that you are still checking in, even if it isn't as frequent is still really important.

Remember anniversaries of some one's passing is also important.  As I said, they can bring up happy but also painful memories.  In therapy, we see a lot of people who struggle around the anniversaries of some one's death, the time of year even, can be triggering and bring up the emotions from the loss.

I guess what I'm saying is there is no wrong way to be a support as long as you're being an active support.  Maintain the closeness and let the person know you're there even after the initial loss, as your loved one still will likely need it.

Take the time to tell those in your life that you love them today.  We don't always get reminders to be grateful until something terrible happens, so let this be a reminder instead.

Until next time,
E

on having attractive friends

This week/weekend kicked off in a weird funk and for a few reasons, that I won't get into here, I was feeling already a bit thrown off kilter and deflated in a sense.  I think that heightened my awareness about my singledom and reopened a part of myself where I become very self critical.  So that is the stage that this musing is being played out on.

At the risk of sounding whiny (which I typically try and avoid, I swear) I'm going to briefly tell you how sometimes I have had the fleeting thought "it would be kind of nice if my friends were ugly".

I'm really fortunate to have a lot of amazing friends, really I feel blessed.

I have a lot of amazing friends who also happen to be very attractive. I'm not sure how it happened but I ended up with a wide array of beautiful friends ranging from tall to short, thin to shapely, dark to light...a fruit salad of ladies you could say.

What's even better is that not only are my friends attractive, but they are all smart, funny, driven, successful and awesome.  I love them very much.

So 99% of the time I'm glad I have these superstar friends.

These are friends who are great supports to me, make me laugh, help me when I cry, look cute in pictures with me, have great conversations and heated debates with me (maybe about purple being a great color, the meaning of life, or the cute guy at the bar)...

But I'll go ahead and say 1% of the time (so we're talking like 3 days a year), I just wish they were a little less, you know...attractive.  I realize this sounds terrible, and to my friends reading this, please don't take this the wrong way it is really a compliment. 

Am I alone on this? I can't imagine you've never wished you were better looking than the people you were standing with, unless of course you already are.  But in that case you probably don't really know it and still feel that way.  And if you do know you're the most attractive one, then well you can just click to the next blog and spare me the embarrassment of reading further.

So about guys, when I'm out with my friends...Okay this is when the perhaps selfishness, a spot of jealousy and apparent self consciousness comes in.  I'll say it.

I have nights were I look very good.  I mean I'm not a freaking neanderthal, so sometimes I go out I feel really good and think I look really good (and obviously since I'm a girl there are nights where I really don't feel that way).  Even on the nights where I feel good?  The guy that I'd like to chat me up, talks to my friend.  I don't blame them!  But I do wonder how I can have so many strangers coming up to me in the street asking for directions, the time and donations, but in a bar I'm apparently less approachable.  Maybe there is a vibe I'm giving that I have to work on?

There have been many instances where someone I had my eye on is interested in my friend. Most of the time it's not a big deal, because I'm like a goldfish and forget and in 5 minutes there will likely be someone else I have my eye on.  But after a while you can't help but start to feel like you won't ever get picked first.

This past week/weekend there were a few instances where friends were getting attention I would have preferred to get (who doesn't like some good attention?), and I think since I'm in a bit of a withdrawal mode I was jonesing for some attention so it was challenging for me...which is never a good combination with alcohol.  Those nights often end with either being mad and/or crying, unashamedly making out in the bar, or a boy you don't like/know in your bed (or so I've heard...).

It's like being hungry when you are grocery shopping, you buy stuff that is not good for you, and too much of it.

Anyway. I was annoyed, but I got over it. Like I do.

Last night was a lot of fun, and while we were out I said to my friend (in the context of talking to these guys who had followed "us" to the next bar) "I could walk into a bar naked, and they'd still look at you" and we laughed.  I mean of course she knew I was kidding and playing around, because if I HAD walked into a bar naked they would throw me out and it would cause such a commotion that they surely would be looking at me.

Of course here I am in the bar complaining guys don't approach me, and then almost immediately after that a "40" year old (air quotes because I didn't believe him, his age was not apparent as he clearly worked out a lot, was tan and possibly had plastic surgery) came up to me and was interested, which is what he told me. I guess when you're 40 you don't need better lines than that.

I mean it was flattering as he was a very attractive "40" year old, but I was not really interested in this slurring, wobbly dude.  It was one of those where if I was quicker I would have given my fake name.  Thankfully he was escorted out of the bar, and when he made his way back in (not great security apparently) I was able to make a dash for it...to Chinatown for some lomain with my friend.

I mean clearly I'm not being ignored in the bars or at parties, and I do hit it off with guys when I meet them at the coffee shop, but I think this last week has kind of lead me to have a microscope on the fact that this guy thing doesn't feel like it's working for me right now.

So back to the issue at hand.  What does one do when their friends are so hot?  Wait for them all to land boyfriends?

Get over it and be glad you're friends are awesome? Yep.

I told my friend I was posting about wanting ugly friends and she was like "You are who your friends are...plus, you're stuck with me 4eva...no new friends" (she was gchatting me on her phone so I'll excuse the 8th grade usage of 4eva).  Haha, she cracks me up.  She's right though, I'm keeping good company and really that's what matters and that's what reflects on me...I guess in a superficial but also in a deeper way.  Like I said, these chicks ain't no bimbos.

Most of my friends are in relationships right now, and dating really great guys.  I'm very, very happy for my friends in these happy and healthy relationships (aside from my having third wheel, or fifth wheel, or seventh wheel syndrome) and hopefully this pandemic of relationships ends up being contagious.

Ultimately, my goal (and what is in my control in this situation) is to be less caught up in who talks to who and who looks like what...

I think I just need to continue to focus on the music playing, the friends that I love being around and the margaritas.

Until next time

E

I prefer the term, Sports Layperson.

It can't hurt the level of excitement over the Stanley Cup series, that one team is from the US and one is from Canada.  Not only are the home towns fighting for their title, but the country's are as well.

Facebook, Twitter, and the like, have been littered with anti-canadian messages, more than the typical jab to our neighbors up north (and likely the same towards the US also).  I have the feeling that it wouldn't be as tense or hostile if it was just another team in the US. Hostile still? Sure, it's hockey! However, I think this takes on a whole new "them" and "us" dynamic that is hard not to get wrapped up in.

Due to the intense first 4 games, and the much anticipated next 2-3...I figure I'd talk a bit about sports, and get this off my chest...

Okay, I admit it.

Fair Weather Fan. Bandwagon Fan. Woman. Whatever you want to call me.

I prefer the term, Sports Layperson.

I have lady bits, okay? Sue me.  I can't name all of our players.  I can't tell you the stats from 20 years ago, or even really last year.  Sometimes I forget who my team is playing that night or what the final score was yesterday.

I can, however, follow the games, understand the rules, get excited and cheer, get pissed and swear, get wrapped up in a good match and enjoy watching/being at a game, and I at the very least wish I knew and could remember all the details...Isn't that good enough?

Hey look, someone who enjoys the entertainment value of sports (but doesn't know our key baseball player's RBI this year, and doesn't want the other team to die) has an opinion! Weird.

Even though it is mid-June essentially I've so enjoyed this extended hockey season.  Actually hockey is like wine. I'll take it however I can get it.  My heart lies with college hockey, but pro hockey is a lot of fun on a big screen or in person.  There is something about the speed of the game that keeps me enthralled with it.  And if I'm being honest, even though I'm anti-violence in day-to-day life, the fights can be exhilarating and I eagerly await them.

I have little to no desire to watch golf on TV, but I've been to several pro golf tournaments and enjoyed them greatly (especially in VIP tents).  I of course stereotypically like golfers who wear flashy colors, are attractive, are Australian, and who haven't gotten caught railing 20 women who aren't their wives.  Surprising, I know.  Don't get me wrong I think Tiger is a phenomenal player, but there is no way around the fact that he's also a phenomenal player.  I feel like I'd like to try playing golf, I will probably get frustrated as I do when I'm not good at something, but in the off chance that I like it and can play okay, I think I should give it a shot.

Opposite to golf, I think I prefer football on TV.  There you can see everything, you don't have to be either in the blaring heat or the blistering cold.  Plus, in the nosebleeds the field looks as small as your TV anyway.  I've loved having Sunday Funday's with my girls from home, eating and drinking together and watching the games.  There is something special about football nights and I like that it's on a couch versus in the snow.  Consistent with other sports' final games, the Superbowl is really fun to watch.

Baseball, because of my upbringing, is an institution.  I enjoy it, it makes me think of summer and it's a thrill to be at a game and be part of what feels like history in the making. My grandmother is one of the most avid fans that I know, I'm pretty sure she's called the trainer for our team to tell them medical advice when our pitcher hurt his ankle a few years back.  I mean, she's invested.  I realize in my city it's blasphemy but I admit unless it's a very close game, once the 7th (sometimes 4th) inning comes around I'm ready to leave the park for bed, or to change the channel.

I like soccer/footie partially because of my European roots, but also because there are very few things that are as exciting as the World Cup.  I think there is something about this that rivals all other sports because it becomes about nationality versus just a game (kind of like the Stanley Cup this year but on a much larger scale).  This past World Cup, the Netherlands were in the finals and I felt very proud to have been born there (despite their ultimate loss to Spain).  It's more in line with the Olympics and how it can feel like pride and solidifying one's place in the world is riding on each goal.

Basketball.  Oh basketball.  I wonder if it's because I'm not particularly good at it, or because the 1pt, 1pt, 3pt, 1pt, 1pt, 1pt, 1pt, 3pt pattern of the game maxes out my excitement early on...and then is only reinvigorated in the last 2 minutes.  I really enjoyed the couple of pro basketball games I've been to, but I'd rarely chose to watch it on TV with the exception of March Madness (since that peeks my gambling interest).

I suppose my attention span is really only maintained when the game is very intense/close, the team is in the finals of some sort, or I feel particularly tied to the team for personal reasons.  I'm sorry, but this is the truth.  I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way, however being from an area where sports are religion I'm sure many people would not admit to it.

Everyone here appears to be a die hard.

Jumping on the bandwagon, is said like it's this horrible phenomenon. There is a reason why there is a term for it, a lot of people follow this route.  I guess I'd rather be a fan when things are close or are going well for my teams, so that I'm being more efficient.  It's better than not being a fan at all, right?

Women who are sports nuts? They're awesome.  I'm jealous.  I have some friends who grew up with older brothers who seem to know everything there is to know about sports and keep up with it all.  I think it's really a skill and I wish I could do it, but alas, I can't.  I have a hard time maintaining dates and names of major wars, never mind battles on the pitch.

I think the majority of men are sports obsessed.  There is probably a healthy balance and some people take it a bit far.  When it's the finals, by all means go all out and watch with unwavering focus.  However, with sports like Basketball and Baseball when there are 1,000 games a season (I know this isn't accurate), you can calm down and save some time, energy, money by varying your interests slightly and taking up another hobby.

This is rare, but in the situation where you happen upon the guys who are "eh" about any sports or any sports team, I wonder.   I wonder if they feel they don't have an allegiance to a particular city, if they didn't play sports as a kid or if they are more interested in the Ballet (not that there's anything wrong with that).  I mean I think that some enjoyment from watching and keeping up with sports is a good quality in a guy...but who am I to judge.  They don't need to be able to answer trivia about it to be okay in my book.  Frankly I don't even have a book or I'd be able to keep track of these damn sports stats.

Anyway, I do really like sports.  I'd even say I love sports when they are exciting (by my definition) and bring us together.

Will I be able to tell you who scored in tonight's hockey game? Probably not.  But like some of you I'll likely blame it on on the beer.

Until next time,

E

Sure, I'll Help Save Our Rivers

This will be quick as I really have to pack...but I thought it was kind of comical.


You may or may not know it, but I get stopped on the street every day. Not like I'm working the corner, but people seemingly always picking me to ask for directions, donations, etc.  Back in January I wrote this...I'll give you a couple minutes to re-read, or read it for the first time.


Welcome back.


This morning I got dressed and put on a t-shirt I got in Israel a couple years ago. You know the one, it says Coca Cola in Hebrew.  Yah, we all got them.  (I apologize for the quasi awkward/blurry boob shot, but I wanted those of you who didn't know what it looked like to feel included).


I don't usually wear anything indicating that I'm Jewish and today (before I left my apt) I was thinking about how it was kind of weird that I pulled this shirt out specifically.  Really it's because half of my clothes are in my city apartment and the other half are at my mom's house as I transition.  Plus its a cute thin tshirt (it is damn hot out) and I'm doing some packing so wasn't trying to dress in something nicer than a T.


But still, I even consiously thought about the shirt.  Even in my elevator on my way down to the first floor I was in my head thinking "I wonder if people will even notice it doesn't say Coca Cola in English?"


If you weren't paying attention, you could almost miss it.


Unless, of course you're Jewish and want a donation for your cause.


I'm walking to get my obligatory ice coffee around the corner from my apartment rocking out to my Passion Pit Pandora station, and ahead of me on the sidewalk is this cute kid, with a clipboard, who was no more than 20 years old waving his arms frantically.  Of course at this point I'm not sure if he's looking at me, since I'm clearly wearing sunglasses which makes me near invisible, I clearly have head phones in, and I clearly need an ice coffee.


As I get closer...clearly he's waving at me.
---
RiverGuy: "At medaberet ‘ivrit?" (Translation: Do you speak Hebrew?) 


E: (SHIT, I thought.  The one person who would walk by me and know what my shirt is, called me out.) "...No, I don't".


RiverGuy: "Well, do you have a minute to talk about our rivers? What's your name?"


E: <Fumbling> "uhh I do, I'm E, but I need an ice coffee first."  What? E, wow.  I didn't have the capacity without coffee to go with A.  This just shows how much I don't want to pack today that I'd make time to talk to this kid.


RiverGuy: "Great! I'll see you when you get out".
---
He called me out on not speaking Hebrew and wearing this shirt, told me it was why he "targeted me" and when I said that he conned me into being a member, he said smiling "My friends would say I Jewed you.  Have you heard of that?".  Coming from this kid I couldn't help but laugh...have I heard of that? I mean I wasn't born yesterday, RiverGuy.  Good thing he was a cute little Jew or I'd have been almost offended.  


I know I look young but this kid ended up totally hitting on me.   Either that or he was hoping I'd give him more than $10 a month.  I mean if I wasn't probably in the range of 6-10 years older than him, I might have been into it since he was clearly a good guy who cares about rivers, and Jewish so my grandparents would be happy.


Anyway, long story short I ended up becoming a member.  Like I've said, I'm pro Earth. This organization is petitioning for the EPA to increase standards and reduce toxic/sewage dumping in our local rivers.  So I figure that now that I'm employed (!!!!) I can make a small donation to help our water.  Why not.


Mental note: people do pay attention to what is written across your chest, especially if they want something from you.


Until next time,
E

junk mail, bills and magazines, oh my!

Sorry to say for mail men and women everywhere, but I just wish everything was electronic.  Many things have changed over but frankly, not enough of apparently what my name is attached to.  I'm cool with magazines, but these damn credit card offers, I seriously get at least 3 every week.

No Citibank, I don't want another credit card, my sweet plastic friends are cozy in my wallet and there is no room for you.

How do you get rid of junk paper mail? I wish there was a place that compiled a list of all the mail and bills that came to your house so you can opt out and/or make sure you didn't miss anything important...it would save some trees and some paper cuts.  Million dollar idea frankly, someone should really start that if they haven't done so already.  If they have please let me know.

I'm a bit bitter as I just had to spend over an hour going through a Whole Foods' (I love me some Whole Foods, and you know how I feel about Mr. Joe the Trader!) paper bag full of mail that had not been opened and sorted in ages.  Literally I found Sports Illustrated from September 2010 and bills that were begging to be opened but I refused and instead paid online.  But then I was left with their papery reminder that I was lazy and didn't just open the damn envelope in the first place.

This is a terrible habit.  I need to be better about opening mail when I get it, recycle what I don't need/want and filing what I do.  I mean it is so simple, but for some reason the last thing I want to do is even check the mailbox, never mind be proactive about it.

Did I mention the paper cuts?

I got one on my knuckle, and you know that is the worst because it keeps reopening when I use my hand.  The worst.  Well actually, the worst is manila folder cuts, eek.

Medical bills, who pays those on time? Apparently not me, because I found many duplicate bill notifications...and even one collection warning. Woops, good thing I did actually miraculously pay them before that point.  Typically once the labels turned red (from originally yellow) I knew it was time, and they mean business.

Changing address.  This is a whole other issue.  So for the major things like bank, cell phone, credit card it is easy to know what to change and how to change them.  I'm not sure what I want to change my address for frankly.  This move may actually cut out my junk mail!  I feel bad for the guys moving into my place next month:  Here guys! Here is the Working Mother Magazine that I have no idea how I ended up receiving as I don't yet have children and only recently landed a job, JCrew Catalogs and my Discover 0% APR for 12 months offer.  You are welcome.

Well when I put my mind to it I do ultimately get organized.  I actually have a pretty good little filing box (seen here) where I end up knowing where important things are.  I really prefer to be organized I just don't know why I wait until the paper is spilling onto the floor.  In my next residence, or my next life, I suppose I'll try to do this differently.

I've realized there are some specific things that I have a hard time throwing away: birthday cards (I wish I was less efficient of taking the money out of cards, so that I could happen upon $100 at a later date), plastic hotel keys from cool places, business cards despite my lack of need for the services offered, my own old business cards from previous jobs, any printed photos regardless of the content/people in them, little nick-knacks that I've acquired as freebies with logos on them (that I might want someday, but definitely won't need any day).

One thing that kind of worries me is throwing away all this mail with my name and address and stuff all over it. I know that nothing with really sensitive information is going into the recycling bin, but isn't that how identity theft happens?  Maybe that's my subconscious excuse for keeping it versus getting rid of it.

I mean clearly I'm not on the show Hoarders (yikes, those poor folks, it's terrible) but I do wish I was able to de-clutter more.  Don't get me started on junk drawers.  Sexy isn't it, me talking about my bad habits? Ha. Oh well.

Well the project for the day is complete and no longer calling my name from the corner behind my desk (where I pretend it's not visible).  I did find a $5 winning scratch ticket, so I got that going for me, which is nice.

If you have thoughts on how to stay organized with paper mail, going electronic, changing addresses or generally how to maybe not air so much of your dirty laundry at any opportunity for the entertainment of others, let me know.

Until next time,
E

What's in a name?

This is the third iteration of my post today, so forgive me if it isn’t my finest work.

This morning I started by writing about the fact that I haven’t written in a while (because my life for the past couple weeks has been barely interesting to me, never mind to all of y’all). Then I figured you likely didn’t notice the hiatus so dedicating a whole blog post to it seemed self-serving. 

As if I have to explain myself to you!

Then I went on to ramble about blogging and how it seems to always come up in conversations – people talking to me about my blog, people talking about their blogs, getting advice about google analytics and people asking about starting a blog, etc.  This is actually a fairly decent topic to post about…which maybe I will once I’m back into the swing of things on here.  It was coming out rather dry and boring so I thought I’d spare you, for now, and rewrite that later.

This happens sometimes.  I get writer’s block, or what is probably more accurately called writer’s partial block, which means I write a lot but it’s not very good.  Often I’ll start writing a post, and scrap it because it feels forced or pointless.  Sometimes out of that something else will pop, and I’ll get a decent entry from it.

I’m hoping that is what happened today.

Somehow I landed on the topic of names and aliases in the second iteration that was scrapped this morning (while vehemently procrastinating from cleaning/packing up my life to move or paying my bills), so I’ll run with that.

I have a close friend who is an artist (singer/songwriter) who is very, very talented.  She is in the process of revamping herself musically, her image and her name.  She is looking to create an artist name to represent her “brand” versus going by her own version of Jane Doe.  What is cool about this concept is that it will give her more artistic freedom.  While she isn’t going to abandon her “God given” name it allows her day-to-day identity to maintain itself in the business world and be the cute, sunny and sweet person she is naturally. 

What her “stage name” will allow is for her to act out.  She can expand upon small features of her personality and make them large (sultriness was my suggestion) while putting her day-to-day self to the side of the persona (she’s ridiculously smart and accomplished in other ways).  I’d argue that it’s not a real departure from who she is and it’s still authentic, but maybe more of a caricature (think the aura of J-Lo versus Lady GaGa in terms of approachability versus just plain out there).

I’m not sure if you were like me as a kid, but used to like to play make believe and have a different name, be a different person (ie, Barbie, Punkie Brewster, Princess Jasmine, you know the typical).  Remember taking your middle name and your street name and that would be your actress name (or adult film star, I can’t remember)?

Playing make believe and dress up was always fun and exhilarating: the opportunity to be a departure of yourself.  Parts of me would always seep into my role-playing…I’m sure I’d get bossy and upset when things didn’t go my way in the game.  I don’t think that we can lose ourselves completely even when we try and diverge from our identity.

Now of course my idea of what “role-playing” means has changed since I was 8 years old (and now evokes an image of someone dressed up in a maids uniform and someone else handcuffed to a bed), but the allure of being someone you’re not is an interesting thing. 

Obviously, I really like who I am or I’d work to change it (and there are clearly things that I am working on) but I’m talking more about an aspect of your life where you’re uninhibited to be something you normally aren’t.  Maybe for some that is the opportunity to be more outgoing when you start a new job or move to a new city where no one knows you as the shy person yet.  Or maybe it’s that you go out dancing once a week, but you are seen as a reserved person. 

Whatever that departure is, it allows you to express yourself in a way that you don’t feel comfortable normally doing when it is tied to your name/person.

I think that while having this blog has allowed me to express more than I would normally in this way, it isn’t completely anonymous and it hasn’t really allowed me to talk about things that are more controversial than carrying umbrellas, vague references to dating, yoga, and owning a mac.  That’s okay, I guess I wasn’t really looking for this to be that type of blog, but more for the catharsis and the process of thinking, writing and sharing. 

I do wish for this blog I had come up with a catchy pen name, versus just E…though E is fine.  I have people in my life that call me E which I like, and it works as being identifying enough without revealing myself completely to the person who lands on this blog via happenstance. 

I’ve thought many times about writing stories/books. I’ve started a few, actually. I’ll have to think of a pen name for those at some point in order to not have my writing and my therapy practice be tied in any way, so I’ll have the opportunity to play ‘dress up’ in my writing, for those endeavors.

I must admit that I sometimes feign my identity in real life.  A very concrete example is when I’m quick enough with my response at a bar (when I’m pretty sure I’m not interested in the guy), I’ll introduce myself as a different name. The intention is not to be mean or misleading per se, but more to clearly have a boundary between this drunken guy and who I really am. 

I have a go to name.  It’s something easy to remember, that’s not too common or uncommon to avoid being suspicious and was one of the names that I wish I had been named when I was a kid.

I don’t actually have an alter ego created for this fake name.  She is just me, with a different name.  Although, I’d argue sometimes the name is enough.

If you think about it, for the most part we become our names.  We say, “I am ____”.  That is how I identify myself, that is how others identify me, that is me.  I think this is why I envision having a hard time changing my last name when I get married, because it has become so much a part of who I am and how I see myself.

I even feel that we also end up looking like certain names.  Do you ever notice that we often say things like “He doesn’t look like a Brandon” or “She looks like an Alison”.   And how is it possible that all strippers are named Trixi, Brandy or Candy?  Okay obviously, those aren’t usually their real names, but why do those names seem fit the category so well for being a stripper?

I think for this point I disagree with Shakespeare when he wrote Romeo and Juliet

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."

I mean yeah, sure.  If we called roses bricks or something, it probably wouldn’t change the chemistry of the plant to make it smell like brick, but I don’t know if I would be as excited to tell everyone that the guy I was dating sent me 12 bricks to my work.

I also think that if a strippers name was Gertrude, she might not pull in as many 1’s that she would by going by Genesis or something.

So, I think there is something in a name.

On that note, I should probably go pay the bills that are attached to mine.

Until next time,

E, or A if you see me in a bar.