life is about changing...

So for the first time, in essentially my whole life, I have no idea what I'll be doing next. I feel like I'm a bit off track

Preschool leads to kindergarten.
Kindergarten leads to grade school.
Grade school leads to the awkward years of middle school.
Middle school leads to starting to find self and high school.
High school is an attempt at prepping you for college.
College leads to career.

Career leads to change in career?
Masters leads to...

As some of you know that until next week (internship ends) I do therapy with college students. Many of my seniors are not sure what they will do for careers or their first job. Many of them agen't sure if they want to stay in this area or explore other parts of the world. Some of them are in panic mode and some are pretending to be calm and collected.

I was fortunate to graduate with a job after undergrad in advertising. I didn't have the anxiety of "what's next?"...despite the not great starting salary, financial independence was in sight.

When I decided to change careers, I did just that...decided. I applied and made the change, and while this had its challenges and scary moments I at least "knew" what was ahead.

So now I'm a later twenty-something and I'm in the same boat as many of my seniors who are 22.

I don't have a job laid out and nailed down, I don't have a solid plan on where I'd really like to be, although likely for cost and whatnot, I'll likely stay fairly local...although there are things that feel like they could pull me elsewhere.

Unlike undergrad I don't have financial stability in sight, though I know that I will, I just have to be patient.

Despite not being too worried (faking some calm and collectedness) I am feeling a bit anxious about being cast into the ether and starting from scratch.

I have one week from today until my graduate career is over, I will now have some letters that come after my name, and other than direct loan bills and a diploma that will sit in a $150 frame, I won't have too much to show for it...yet.

I am beyond excited to find my niche, find a setting where I'm around like-minded people, work with amazing clients who while they struggle can be infinitely inspiring...

So I rest assured that this will come, maybe not right away but that is my trajectory.

So why am I still worried? Well you may not know this but I'm human. Big changes and the unknown can be scary and unnerving despite being exciting and important.

I've been paying extra attention to what I tell my seniors about managing expectations and balancing this with having high goals for themselves, as well as trusting that they can make good things happen for themselves and that worst case they can actually make other changes should it not pan out. I've been paying attention because frankly I've been convincing myself this will be okay. It will be better than okay.

There was a country song that I remember from growing up (my step dad and mom listened a lot) that touched me even then...the song progresses through someone's life, with good and bad things such as love and loss...a line that really is important is

"Life is about changing, nothing ever stays the same."

There is great beauty and wisdom in this...

So if I'm living life, accepting change and moving forward, I suppose I'm not as off track as I thought.

Until next time,
E

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Doing yoga and not being pretentious.

I'm hoping that isn't tough to accomplish.

It is my understanding that the point of yoga is to marry body and mind, stretch your muscles and even combine it with psychotherapy as an exponentially benefiting treatment.

Then tell me why a yoga t-shirt (to its credit: it’s that really thin, soft cotton with a pretty Zen logo on it) was over $140 at the retreat center I was at this weekend? And also, explain to me why people who do yoga claim it as their practice: "I've had my yoga practice for 12 years".  It actually took me until this weekend to realize this meant this person has been practicing yoga for 12 years, versus owning/running a studio.

I guess by that logic I've had a running practice or even a TV watching practice for many, many years...but no one seems impressed by this.

So what happened to the Zen, mother earth and self-care authenticity of yoga as a moving mediation, as it was for the last couple thousands of years? The Dalai Lama must be pissed.

Don't get me wrong, the introduction I got to yoga this weekend was great, I really enjoyed it especially in the context of psychology.  The workshop I was at this weekend was centered on Tal Ben Shahar's (hailing from Harvard) work with combining yoga, positive psychology and mindfulness to maximize therapeutic effects (physically, emotionally and mentally).  

Instead of going into all of the psychobabble, I will just tip my hat to the amazing weekend of teachings and say that I thought it was enlightening.  His take on life as well as understanding of the brain and what helps people make changes is helpful for my personal pursuit of being happier, healthier and more fulfilled, as well as helping to inform better therapy for my clients (if you are interested in the psychobabble and clinical applications, let me know). I recommend you pick up his books, specifically Happier.

Frankly, I'm just introspective enough mixed with expensive taste that the potential affluent community yoga could foster is even partially appealing, if I'm being completely honest with you.  In that vein, I'm surprised I didn't come to yoga sooner...

Of course I don't think all of you who "have a yoga practice" are snotty folks walking around in draping clothing and comfy stretch pants (although I could totally get used to that wardrobe, let me tell you)…but it does make me wonder about what it would mean for me to do yoga.  Would I be doing yoga for my own health and benefit? Would I be doing it to be part of the in in crowd?

Something that I've heard from others, who also haven't dipped their toe into the yoga pond yet, is that they feel intimidated.  I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and she was saying "I'm too nervous to go to a class, it makes me anxious", which I totally understand.  Before I had done a couple classes, my mental picture of it was that it was almost like taking ballet:  striving for perfection, hitting the poses/positions just right and that it has a slightly competitive nature between you and the others in the class.  

My understanding is there are some studios like this, but also that many are (like the one I was a this weekend) about allowing yourself to be human, pushing yourself when you feel you can/want to, and really getting comfortable with Mountain, Happy Babby, Warrior, Pigeon, or whatever.

So where does this all leave me?  Well it leaves me with wanting to do yoga but not wanting to feel intimidated.  Ultimately I don't want my yoga experiences to land me feeling badly about my dwindled flexibility (from my gymnastics days), the fact that I can't hold some of the balancing positions very well yet and that I'm not a twiggy ballerina. 

It looks like I'll have to shop around and find a studio that is down to earth...at least until I'm good enough to be pretentious about it.

Until next time,

E

saying bye to my past year

I had a tough day today.  It was one of those days where it felt like every. little. thing. is going wrong.

I didn’t sleep well, I overslept, I didn’t get to eat breakfast, I was rushing and dropped my phone as I left my apt and the screen shattered, I missed the bus, the next bus was slow and got caught in traffic, I was late to class and had to wait what feels like forever to get coffee into my system…

I also was feeling particularly overwhelmed with the amount of work I have to do in the next 10 days, since I’ll be going away this weekend and wont have the opportunity to do catch up…so all in all, it was just one of those days.

I have to admit, though it’s embarrassing, I was sad today.  It is embarrassing because I have this visceral negative response to being sad, I don’t like it. I much prefer to be happy and laugh and I even prefer to be angry.  Sad, is just, well, a sad place to be. 

I’m not completely sure why I was sad but I bet it has something to do with feeling overwhelmed, not being quite in the place I want to be at this point (you know like having a sweet job, sweet boyfriend, sweet everything) and that I just feel like I’ve had a couple tough years, and I want to catch a break.

Oh, and my birthday is tomorrow.  Maaaybe that has something to do with it.

So, I’m now another year older, and hopefully wiser… I’m hoping that what is in store for me is not more of what felt like was a negative culmination of the year today (like broken things and a lot of stress); but instead a time of great growth, happiness, love, prosperity, health for myself and those around me and a much needed break.  A break from loss, a break from disappointment, a break from the realities of being an adult while becoming more of an adult…

What do you think?

Yah, I know.  Frankly, I’ll take those things as long as the other positive things come with it.

I’m more ready than ever for great things to happen, and while it’s scary and sad that school is coming to an end, I have to find a job, I have a lot of gray hair and no man to speak of…I actually think things will start to shift. 

So I’m putting out the intention (not to get all The Secret on you) that this year will be a fantastic year for me; with a lot of new beginnings, great learnings, continued health of myself, health and happiness for those in my life and for some of the big pieces of my life to finally fall into place.

There...it’s done!  I'm saying bye to my past year...and hello to my next! :)

Cheers!

Until next time,

The New and Improved E

The Trials and Tribulations of Spring Cleaning: Clothes

I'm in need of clothes I like, and instead I have drawers and a closet full of stuff I either don't wear anymore, or that needs to be thrown out since it looks like it's been worn by someone weekly, since 1974.

Because I don't have a clear sense on what I really have, and before I blow a bunch of money on new stuff that suits me, it has become increasingly clear that I'm better off starting by getting rid of the useless stuff.  While it will feel like I have "less" it will just be easier to find my go-to favorites, and I'll have less trouble closing the overflowing drawer of tank tops I have.

So I think I would end up with 3 piles that I'd need to figure out what to do with:

Trash:

• I love this, I wore it to death, and now it wouldn't even suffice as a layering piece it's so worn out. 
• This is misshapen/stained/ripped/I inadvertently shrunk it in the dryer and even a 4 year old couldn't fit into it now.

Donate:

• This doesn't fit me anymore/I don't like it anymore and it's in good shape, someone might be okay with buying it for cheap.
• This is a quality item but I have no use for it, someone might buy it for a bit more at a nice thrift shop.

Not sure what to do:

• This has sentimental value and I'm not sure I can part with it, but I'm never going to put it on, or wear it outside of my apartment such as endless amount of promotional t-shirts...the most comfortable and/or funny ones I do wear when I run (my Miller "I tapped that glass" t-shirt is always a crowd pleaser).
• I like this but haven't had the opportunity to wear it in a while, an I can't anticipate when I will wear it, did I mention I think I like it?
• This USED to fit me, and I really like it.  It is now too small, and I hope I'll be thin enough one day to wear it again.
• This USED to fit me.  It is now too big, and I hope I never fit into it again...but if I do, I'd rather be miserable due to my weight, versus miserable to have to go out and buy new "bigger" things.

The not sure what to do pile is where I get stumped, not as clear cut as trash/donate.

Do you have recommendations of good organizations that take clothing donations that are a fundamentally good company/charity/etc?

Should I just donate everything versus worrying about a couple higher end things for a thrifty/nicer second hand store?

Do you have recommendations on how to decide to purge/keep those hard to part with items?

Feedback is much appreciated!   Thanks y'all...

Until next time,
E

righting a capsized ship

So, I go to therapy.  It’s my opinion (more than ever since I started getting my own) that every therapist should get some therapy at some points during their careers.  The value of it is to understand what it is to be a therapy client, continue to work and grow as a human and a clinician, as well as working on managing carrying the weight of many people’s painful/tragic/amazing/wonderful/miraculous life stories…as well as your own.

I also think that there is value in walking the walk.  I think that therapy can help the “worried well” possibly just as much as those with more severe diagnoses or troubles.  When I say worried well (I forget where I heard that term, probably a professor), I mean the people who aren’t compromised by mental health challenges; but the people who could benefit from some objective feedback on things like interpersonal challenges, relationship challenges, managing stress, dealing with loss, etc. 

I mean to be fair, we all experience hardships, no?  I mean if you’re perfect and you have no challenges, and you can’t grow and understand yourself better, then sign yourself up for some studies because you are really one of the rare specimens…

Anyway, enough of that soap box (though I strongly suggest it for anyone)…

I was walking home from my therapy appointment today and stopped on the way at Trader Joes to pick up some yummy dinner stuff for the rest of the week (I’m newly obsessed with their Thai and Indian frozen food). 

I had my Pandora playing while I was in TJ’s as it makes the shopping experience less stressful, since there were about 372 other people in there.  While it was distracting I wasn’t actually paying attention to the songs that were playing.  It was acting as my buffer to all the stimuli of the people in the store so I could get in and get out.  I wanted to be in myself a little after the session I had.

I had talked about some recent disappointments that had come up, and I don’t know about you…but disappointment is one of the hardest things for me to experience.  I typically make decisions or am strategic enough that I avoid disappointment for the most part, but when it hits me I have a hard time with it.

Disappointment is this funny thing where it can knock the wind out of your sails in a different way than sadness, because it means that there was an expectation that wasn’t met, or a hope that wasn’t realized.  The vision of something that could have been, is no longer. 

We all have this feeling from time to time, but I guess what is important is what we do with it.  Do we take it and let it throw us off course?  Do we ignore it, breeze past it and distract ourselves with whatever expectation/hope is on the horizon?  Maybe what’s healthy is somewhere in the middle…some sort of acknowledgment and then, letting it go.

On my walk home it began to rain, which it has been doing on and off for the last day or so, and in that moment instead of pulling out my umbrella I keyed into the music that was playing in my ears.  Sometimes I’m not really listening, like in TJ’s, when I’m distracted, or its just quietly in the background…but in this moment I was locked into the song that was playing. 

It was a fairly upbeat song, which almost compelled me to kind of dance down the sidewalk with my groceries, but seeing as I’m not in a perpetual music video (where all the other people on the sidewalk would join in…and we would sing and dance in the rain…ever have that fantasy?) I just added some more rhythm to my strut, rather subconsciously.

Anywho.  The next song was a bit slower, which made me listen to the words.  The words were something I can’t even remember now a couple hours later, since the connection I had with them was fleeting. In the moment I thought, “How does Pandora know what I’m thinking?”.

I don’t really think that, but you know that feeling when a song comes on the radio and it is exactly what you needed in that moment.  It clarified something for me and in that moment there was relief about the things I was worrying about.

I mean there is a chicken-egg effect of mood on music, and music on mood…this is why I tell my clients who have a hard time regulating their moods, or are easily triggered into a negative mood “if you’re feeling sad, steer clear of sad music…if you’re angry, something soothing may be a good bet”.  Regardless, the song was helpful.

By the time I was home, I was decompressed from my session, had an extra bounce in my step, but most importantly I also had allowed myself the time to feel disappointed, and then that was it.

Like I typically do, I’m back to baseline, feeling pretty good, had some Thai food, I might have a glass of wine and clean my room…maybe get some work done, I don’t know, I don’t know if I’ll have enough time…

There is relief in letting yourself feel things that you typically fight off.  There is a release in allowing yourself some space to feel it, and a sense of accomplishment when you allow yourself move past/out of it.

I’ll say that aside from my nature; a walk and some good music (don’t forget good food and a glass or red) are part of the equation for righting my capsized ship, and sailing forward.

With these disappointments I’ve been alluding to (both work and personal life related), I have a clean slate on a couple aspects of my life...and that is actually exciting.  You know what they say; when one porthole closes…

Until next time,
E

in the age of digital conversations

I feel like I reference my Ethics class a lot, and I guess I'm learning more in that class (or it brings up more interesting topics) than I realize when I'm sitting in class frustrated by the debate ensuing.  In Ethics this week we hit on the subject matter of people doing therapy online, since that is one of the main routes that people communicate these days, and it is only increasing.

We watched a clip of Lisa Kudro's funny online series of some fake video chat therapy to jump start the discussion (there are really therapists who do this, I assume they are better than her).  We also talked about email therapy, online chat therapy in a chat room forum, etc.

This brought up a myriad of opinions and while I can see both sides of the coin here, I think online therapy is something I'm not ready to embrace yet for myself (as a client nor as a therapist).

What this also brought up, was the professor's point that we (my current generation, and the ones who are even younger) are much more able to openly communicate online.  The irony is not lost on me...here I am writing a pseudo anonymous blog, where I feel I can be fairly open.  I'm also being very conscious of the details I give, and balancing the content with vagueness.  I do also spend a decent amount of time checking Facebook, which I wish I did less of.  I've started to do less simply because I've gotten lazy and post less pictures, but also because school/internship/life has been so busy that I'm checking more on the go on my Droid vs. hanging out on my computer.

So I agree, I think that we are typically more open to talk about tough things in type form (gchat, text, fb, blogging, etc) and this week has been a really good example for me.

This week has brought up several of what I'll call "tough" conversations.  Two were via text, one was on the phone and one was in person.

The text message conversations were about two topics that I might not have approached if I had less liquid courage, but instead of waking up feeling like "shit, why did I text them!?" I lucked out that I was instead able to get some direct and clarifying responses that I needed.

The challenge was that it was addressing things that I had a feeling I wasn't going to get the news I wanted to hear, but I now know the situations and I'm not in this limbo anymore of not knowing (although often the limbo "feels" better since it allows some hope or possibility of change, though I'd argue it ultimately doesn't).  I likely wouldn't have been able to have either of those conversations in person, comfortably...and had I waited longer to be direct, I would just continue kidding myself.

I had a nerve wracking conversation on the phone with a potential employer that I'm excited about; where I had to be very direct and ask for what I need in order to make the situation a fit for the employers, and for myself.  I had a moment where thought about sending an email instead (only because that would be "easier" than having a voice-to-voice conversation) but I think that there would have been too much room for miscommunication, and I wanted to make it clear I was appreciative and that the things we were discussing were coming from a genuine place in me.  I didn't want to risk those points not being communicated properly.

I think that no matter the outcome, this was important that I had a phone conversation versus an email exchange.

The "tough" conversation in person was with my grandparents and some other family members about how we feel about heirlooms and what in the house I want when they are gone (meaning my grandparents).  I realized more concretely have a hard time thinking "oh, I want that" since it implies that I want some sort of material gain at the expense of a loved one being around.

I know that it isn't directly what it means, and that my grandparents find great joy in knowing that this antique or this thing from their great grand mother goes to someone who appreciates it, but I realized I had a hard time talking about it.  The conversation also went to some of their fears and frustrations about getting older, changes in physical and mental capacity, and the like.  My grandmother brought me around the house and we looked at mementos, pictures, art and plates and she gave me a family history lesson.  I think we both enjoyed it.

Overall the topics of the day with them were tough and in a lot of ways were sad, but really it was such a fruitful time spent with them.  I've been really happy to spend more time with them lately.

So I guess my point is, that some conversations I feel are important to just get out of the way in the most painless way possible (texting at 2am perhaps?) and others warrant a phone call.  I'd say when the opportunity is there, sometimes pushing yourself to have in-person conversations, even if they are challenging, are still fundamental and ultimately are so much more rewarding.

Let us continue to use online/text/email connections as merely supplemental to our in-person connections, or when we can't be in person (which is why these routes of communication are amazing and valuable still!)...so that as the generations grow, and ultimately technology grows, we don't forget how to have meaningful communication and connections in person (or they are going to need to come up with way more emoticons).

How do you typically have hard to approach conversations?

Until next time,
E