right place, right time

Things are changing.

The season, my mood, different aspects of my life are coming together in serendipitous ways...and per usual with these things, it's a mix of luck, pushing through what feels like an absolute stale mate and trusting that the right things will happen at the right place and at the right time.

I haven't written in a while for several reasons.  I've been feeling intimidated by someone I know's hilarious blog that is all the rage, and feeling like "well I'm not THAT funny" but I guess I didn't start this blog to be funny, I started it to purge random thoughts and feelings as a kind of therapeutic practice.

Also, I've been feeling, well...good.

I had a couple months there where I was really down in the dumps.  I can now better understand the difference between feeling depressed and sad, clinically speaking, which will be helpful with working with clients.  I've had some crappy things happen in my life (as we all ultimately do), and I have felt profoundly sad about those things...but this was different.

Up until really a few weeks ago, I was just feeling like everything was a shade of gray. While I love gray (walls, clothes, salt/pepper hair on a guy)...it was not an ideal way to be looking at the world.

Since I'm a therapist I was able to identify what I was feeling, but EVEN as a therapist it was hard to move out of it.  I knew what I had to do, and even then the gray cloud was thick and hung low for several weeks.

What I did while I was feeling "depressed" or "off", was maintain as much strong self care as I could.  I kept up with my running, I kept up with therapy, I kept up with  my job, continued my job hunt, saw my friends, caught up on sleep...and held on for the ride through it by actually...letting go.

This is a key part, letting go.  I, a few times, said "I'm just throwing my hands up and giving up".  To be clear, I did not mean 'giving up' on life or that I was feeling like I didn't want to be alive, but I was giving up on fighting the bad mood and on trying so hard to push it away to make it better.  Instead I maintained the things I know that chemically, physically, mentally and emotionality would help me and just let it run its course.

For all of these experiences when we feel stuck, there comes a point where something gives.  The gridlock at some point eases up or at least moves in one direction.

For a while it just felt like nothing had changed.

Then things started to change...among the changes here are a few...
-the season shifted from summer to fall (and then back to summer and then back to fall)
-decided to go to school for some alternative medicine (which I grew up taking) that works well for physical ailments as well as mental/emotional ailments in tandem with psychotherapy
-Jewish New Year - day of fasting and cleansing which is the only day I really take the "religion" part of it seriously, because it's a good message to clear out the last year and start with a clean slate.
-had some random stomach issues (not the gross kind, just painful) - might have food sensitivities - seeing a health coach/nutritionist, starting taking vitamin D
-Steve Jobs died - Okay other than him changing the world I have no connection to the guy, but the 60 minutes episode last night about him was really interesting and I want to read the biography
-I went apple picking, and seasonal things started to peak my interest (read: I <3 Halloween)
-My half birthday came and went...I think 2* will be a stellar year for me
-I was on the local news - no joke.  I was ambushed by this reporter about something in my town that I didn't know about...interviewed me for 3 minutes and all that made it was a soundbite made me sound completely ditsy and was taken out of context.  But for my 3 seconds of fame I enjoyed laughing at myself a hell of a lot...
-A job I ended up not taking about 6 months ago, called me up to see if I was interested in working part time, which works well with what I'm already doing...so I don't have to look for another job for immediately and I'll finally have a more steady income.
-After a long while, someone has caught my eye...and no matter what happens (or doesn't happen, contrary to popular belief I'm not actually psychic)...it has still been very a welcomed and enjoyable change.  :)

And voila.  I feel pretty good...and for the last few weeks I've just been enjoying this "feeling like myself again" and haven't wanted to analyze it or synthesize it.  SO you haven't heard from me.

While nothing is monumental (yet), and nothing is definitively better or different (yet), there were changes and shifts.

Changes and shifts that couldn't have happened or wouldn't have impacted me if I wasn't living at home, if I wasn't doing online dating, if I wasn't Jewish, if I wasn't typing on a macbook, if I wasn't into the fall...but I am, I'm all of those things...and they're finally starting to work for me.

Like I said.  Right place, right time...and a combination of some effort and letting go, in order to make it through.

Thank the fahking Lord.

Until next time,
Smiley E

Look at me! Look at me!

So I had a long discussion recently with someone dear to me about our self worth, view of self, self confidence, all of that.

What we "discovered" is that we each have a mix of intrinsic and external levels of these things.

What I mean by that is (use me as an example):

What I know and how I feel about myself is 60% constant (such as - I'm a good person, I like myself, I'm smart and capable, I'm fun and interesting, I know I'm stubborn but I'm not changing that (ha) etc etc)

How I feel about myself is 40% based upon others or externally (feedback, compliments, insults, when I'm interested in a guy, when a guy is interested in me, when he isn't, when work is going well, when work is frustrating, when I get a sizable pay check, when I don't, etc).

I'd say at some points I'm more like 70/30, and maybe some points 50/50, but for the most part I have a solid base.  So really at any given point, I'm never feeling completely shitty or completely inept or completely hopeless...maybe at most that negative feeling is at a 50%.

I think that I'm on the higher end of having that solid base of knowing that I'm good and feeling okay about myself.  From what I've gathered from others I've spoken to about this, that I know people who are more like 20/80 with 80% of how they feel about themselves coming from external stimuli or what have you.

Also, since were talking about 40% external effects on how I feel about myself, it's enough that I don't NEED it to still be okay, but it's enough that I crave it and flourish in it.  (read: post statuses on facebook looking for likes and comments, write a blog and enjoy feedback, outgoing and seeking of being social much of the time, etc etc)

Hence the look at me nature that I have.

Some factors likely playing into the look at me nature, or the craving of that extra 40%:

-While I have 4 siblings (technically half-sibs but who is counting) who are older than me and as a result I grew up essentially an only child so I was used to getting most of the attention when attention was being given...and on the flip side was very used to entertaining myself and being alone.

-I spent many years not feeling confident, and socially withdrawing because I didn't think I was worthy of being included.

-I worked on myself, worked on my self esteem, consistently work to make myself a better person and gain insight around my flaws and strengths and have done a decent job of convincing myself that I AM GOOD.
-I've been fairly successful at most of the things I've done and received a lot of positive reinforcement from these successes (enough to forget about most of my failures).

This last point is an interesting one.  I think that my 60% base has grown and taken a larger share, due to consistent reinforcement of my 40% external.  What I'm saying is, I don't think that one's base belief about themselves is fixed, and that the external environment/interactions/support/negativity/nourishment/berating/etc can grow/diminish this.

I see this a lot with the clients I work with also.  Where you can tell they were this bright and sunny child, but as a result of life circumstances, parenting flaws, loss/trauma, etc...the external now has a much more profound effect on their knowing of self, self confidence, self efficacy, self goodness.   We (clinically speaking) see these people as reactionary, or emotionally unstable, or emotionally dysregulated...but what I think is really the case is that their ratio is not working for them within the context of their lives.

Someone who is say 23% base and 70% external may do very well in a loving home and where they are praised and that 70% is fulfilled...that same person in a cold household, where needs and wants aren't met, may suffer greatly.

I would argue that in key times of development and growth this external piece needs to be nourished in order to foster a good base, but then as one is older it is our own responsibility and drive to help solidify this base with what we know is true about ourselves.

What ratio do you have? Has it always been that way?  Was there a time when you had more "base"?  What changed it for you?  What do you think could help build that back up?

Until next time,

60%E / 40%?