Moving home gracefully and temporarily. (Part III)

I haven't written in a while and I've noticed that my pace on this blog is slowing.  Summer is hard to be consistent about, well, anything that isn't drinking or getting some sun.

I've been pretty busy with those things as well as ramping up my therapy practice at work (trying, like I said, hard to get people to consistently do anything in the summer, never mind get therapy), I've been seeing friends, having a lot of family gatherings, etc.

But I feel bored.  I feel bored not because I'm not active, not because I'm not doing anything, but because I have this sinking feeling "this is it?".

Yesterday I tried to research some PhD programs that might be interesting compliments to my mental heath masters, and it's possible I'll want to go onto more education...but what this really indicates to me is that it only being 3 months after I've graduated that I'm already hungry for something else...hungry to fill a void or a bored space.

This is a void I would likely recognize in a client and discuss how these feelings of emptiness/boredom can't be filled by more power, more money, more stuff, more "doing"...that it has to come from within.

But I've realized I'm ready for something more.  I'm not sure what that more is within me, but I'm hoping I can figure it out, or just happen upon it...soon.

Bored + Impatience = Low Mood and  Frustration.

The last couple weeks I've vacillated from feeling a bit low and anxious about living at home and missing living in the city terribly...to having a great time at home (Part I, Part II) and being beyond thankful that I can even do this.

Every time I go into the city, which hasn't been as frequent as I'd hoped the last few weeks, I get this pang of sadness and longing to be able to walk out of my door, walk a few blocks to my friends' apartments, or hop on the train and be in a historical neighborhood in 20 minutes and eat in little family restaurants and people watch.  

But, while I'm at home, and on good days, I have a lot of fun and feel thankful...I've been making a concerted effort for it to be a fun summer by having a few pool parties or going camping or whatever.   

Last night it felt like a mini high school reunion at a local bar I frequent (my good friend bartends), it was great to see people I haven't in ages...I wasn't thrilled to have to admit that I'm back in our home town, but most of the response is understanding, or that they've done the same, or that "circumstances are circumstances"...and frankly if you're going to judge me on this, well, so be it.  I've gotten over that for the most part.  But the point is, it was an enjoyable night despite it being around the corner from where I live with my mom.

I don't know.  I've talked about really working on feeling content with what I have and maybe this is my opportunity to continue to bring myself back to center and focus on enjoying this time where I have less worries (rent), and be excited about when (who know's when) I'll be able to get back into city/independent life...

Sigh.

On top of my own BS, work has been challenging.  It's been hard to see things like kids getting bullied/harassed so much in school that they feel desperate and unsafe...or when a mom is clearly off her rocker and a poor kid doesn't know how to get through the day at home without being ridiculed.  It's rewarding work, but it's tough work.  I feel like so much gets taken out of me with this work I have to figure out how to really nourish myself so that I'm not depleted.

Typically this nourishment has been being social, but with working longer hours and living outside of the city, it looks like I need to find other avenues.

I've been more consistent with running in the last 2 weeks (still not much) which has been good, and my lovely mom bought be a bunch of yoga classes so I should be set to take yoga for the next couple of months.  I've really found this to be challenging but also wonderful.  I found a yoga studio that isn't pretentious but that is focused on moving meditation, focusing on the body, going at your own pace...it's great.  

I know I'm not in as much of a lurch as it feels in the fleeting moments of feeling unfulfilled.  I guess I just need to keep on doing what I'm doing and trust that I'm headed in the right direction with work, life, friends, whatever, and try and enjoy the ride as much as enjoy driving my new wheels.

Maybe the more I'm seeking is just shifting my perspective to accepting what is and relaxing my grip on what isn't.  Literally doing some letting go.  Maybe once I let go, I can actually grasp what is.  Did I just blow your mind?  Ha.

I'll try and write more also, since I think spilling onto this page tends to help me purge my negative feelings and I work through my frustrations and complaints fairly well here.  I've noticed that typically by the end of the post I'm feeling optimistic, so I should really keep it up.  Maybe it's some of the nourishment the last week or so I've been lacking.

Nag me for a new post when you haven't heard from me, will ya?

Until next time,

E

Type A- looking for true Type B+

Apparently I need to be less type A.  More like A-. 

I haven't talked about therapy in a while because fankly there hasn't been much reason to.  Mostly I've been working through all of the adjustments you know about in terms of working and living and moat recently, car shopping.

Now that the bulk of that is settled, or at least on the trajectory that they need to be, what is left?
Well, relationships. This keeps resurfacing.

We did some talking about what didn't work in my last relationship and what hasn't been working with the guys I've been dating since.

Overall the theme is mutuality.

Either a guy is interested and I'm not or I'm interested and he is either a) more hung up on his ex than I am on mine b) low and behold has the emotional maturity of the 15 year olds I work with or c) isn't interested in me.

I usually know pretty quickly when things aren't going to work on my end. I clearly see when things are deal breakers for me, and quickly lose interest.

However when my interest and intrigue is captivated, sometimes I hang on too long when there are signs that it may be a dead end (read: he thinks I'm a good time and that's all he's interested in).

I've talked before about my daddy issues and clearly the theme of being avandonded or disappointed is a recurring one, and possibly is why I've learned that I don't need a man.

I don't need anyone.

It's actually a sad sentiment. I thought for a long time that this was a strength. It has helped me to endure some hard times, helped me to get through losses and helped me to survive things beyond my control.

But what it has left me with is the air (and truth) that I don't need Another.

I'm not vulnerable enough to need. 

Ipso facto, I need to be more vulnerable.

This flies in the face of wanting to be self sufficient and able to get through anything and protect myself.
Of course I'm not meaning vulnerable like making poor decisions and leaving myself wide open to people I know are bad for me, but instead allowing someone else to see what I need and want versus how stellar and rock solid I am.

"What guy wouldn't want to be needed...even just a little?" My therapist asked.

I guess damsel in distress has proven to work, but I don't see myself even getting to the point where I need a guy to rescue me..but maybe I'd like a little rescuing from time to time. Being the rescuer all the time is exhausting.

We talked about types today. Clearly I'm type A. Dating someone type A is intruguing to me, and tend to be the people I have great chemistry with and butt heads with.  probably more realistically type B would do me some good. Balance is key. Maybe they can show me how to better relax and I can show them how to get shit done.

I told her that I get turned off when a guy doesnt have opinions and defaults to me.  "wow you are so interesting" makes me feel awkward when I hear it and indicates that they are themselves not so interesting.

I need a guy that is relaxed but has a strong personality and who I view as strong overall and that I respect.

The "nice guy" who fawns over my experiences without having some of his own, is not one I'm intrigued by.  The nice guy is typically someone I write off unless I know under the politeness is someone who isn't living to please me, but is instead living to be my equal...and most importantly wants me to be his equal.

"How can someone be equal when you are up here" she asked with her hand in the air, "seems like it would be hard to live up to your expectations. I wonder if it would be hard to be in a relationship with you?".

Ouch.  Fair.

We talked about this. She didn't mean hard to be in a relationship with in terms of not being a good girlfriend or being a good person, so much as hard for my boyfriend to live up to what I want and feel I deserve. This is true. Few people have yet to come close.

I'm not really willing to be anyone but myself.  If I'm too intense and intimidating then I can justify toning myself down to a type A-.  But really only if that type B is a true B and not more like type C.  Type C feels like a wrt blanket. Bleh.  To each their own but not my cup of tea with milk and honey.
You know what I mean?

Well all on all, tough session. I get her point. I don't disagree that I need to be a bit more vulnerable and let a guy know that he's needed and wanted, and to allow others to do for me...and most importantly to relax a bit...so I'll work on that.

As for the other piece to that puzzle, I'm keeping my eyes and heart open for when he comes into my life or shows himself to me.

Anyone know a true type B (B+ is even better...) who is a little more intriguing and strong willed than white bread and can handle an independent but generous and affectionate lady? Haha. Let me know.

Until next time,
E aka A-

accidentally unplugged - camping adventure

This weekend my friend and I went on our second annual tubing/camping trip, down an infamous river about 3 hours away from where we live.

Punky Baru-ster

Some of the key things that preceded this trip are that I just bought a new-to-me car (FINALLY) and I have a bunch of stuff for camping - a tent/sleeping bag/inflatable sleeping pad/etc.  I always have every intention of doing more camping every year, but suddenly here we are and it's near the end of the summer.

panoramic sunroof - doesn't do it justice

The new-to-me car is a Forester (get your "Lesbaru" comments out here, I've heard them all already).  She's awesome.  She's hard core (AWD) and dependable, in sexy and classy way.  Sounds like someone I know.  Suped up, leather, heated windshield wipers, she's RED, lots of cargo space, a roof rack and what they call a panoramic sunroof.  Amazing.

You know how I feel about what's in a name...so, I name things.  I'll introduce you to 3 inanimate objects today that I've named in fun.  The car's name is Punky Baru-ster (Subaru-Forester, you get the point), and she is pretty bad ass...and perfect for camping.

So I'm geared up, ready to go.

Well, Friday night I was in the basement getting a few more of my camping things and hit my head on the side of the ceiling that hangs down by the stairs.  Boom.  Egg on the top of my head.  Likely a mild concussion.  I swear that is why the rest of the events unfolded as they did.

In the morning (after icing my head, taking Advil and praying I wake up) I go to pick up my friend at her parents house.  We have some breakfast (delish french toast thanks to her mom) and chat with some of her family, learn how to tie some knots (thanks to her dad - bonus points if you can name the knot: rabbit comes up the hole, around the tree, and down the hole again) and we grabbed her stuff and we were on our way!

As if almost going the wrong direction (west vs. east) on the highway as if on autopilot wasn't enough... about an hour into the drive, my friend picks up her phone.  She realizes she's missed a few calls and a text.

"E forgot her purse at our house" she reads out-loud.

My heart dropped.

What? I never do that! I'm super responsible, so much so that she even had asked me to hold some stuff for her since I was more likely not to lose it!  Okay so we knew we didn't LOSE it but it had my money, my ID (which is important when you plan on drinking as you float down the river), phone, my toiletries...you get the point, the essentials.  We made a quick decision to move forward and keep driving.  I just prayed I didn't get pulled over.

Meanwhile I'm starting to ruminate over the fact that my brain feels swollen and I feel like I got a mild concussion...which would explain being forgetful and leaving my purse at her parents house, and taking 5 tries to get that damn knot right.

Anyway, to save you the anxiety that I'm sure you're sitting with...nothing bad happened.  I didn't get pulled over, I didn't need the money, my friend passed for over 21 (she's 27) so we managed to get beer and all the things we needed.

Kawin, RIP

We decided that we'll at least do this trip until we're 30, but that it will morph and change over time.  This year we changed our drinking system.  We constructed a floatation device this year that was more successful than last year's.

Last year we bought a kid's fish floatie ring from Target which we named after a licence plate we saw on our way: KAWIN (We could not decide if this was a last name or if it was Karen with a speach impediment.  We opted for the later).  Last year Kawin flipped a few times and was often laying on her side spilling water all into our sandwhich bags and preventing us from our Subway $5 footlong lunches...at times we were worried about her making it.

Sadly, my most recent pool party she passed away.  Too many adults were jumping onto her...so as a resutl we needed a new cooler float.

Carlton

We found Carlton.

Carlton is a kiddie float with leg holes (perfect for fitting our cooler) and as you can see has a flower that hangs over the top for a baby to have shade.  We thought the flower made the float look like a phonograph.

Anyway, we ended up naming him Carlton...we figured the flowery nature of the float made him a little more feminine and I had the mental picture of Carlton dancing from Fresh Prince...so it stuck.  Carlton was good to us.  No flipping.  We even fooled people who thought we were pulling a poor child down the river in it.

Another change was that the river was higher than last year.  Thankfully.  Last year the river was about 3 inches deep in long portions where we had to walk.  This year we floated almost the complete distance without walking.  It was fun...and relaxing.

my friend's pic of our campsite :)

We were at a different camp site than last year, too.  It was quiet, we didn't end up being at the party camp sites.  It was relaxing and our focus for the remainder of the night was burning 4 bundles of wet (but cheap!) wood.  We finally figured out how to keep it going when a 4 year old girl from the next campsite suggested we use some sticks from the wood as kindling.  Kids say the darnedest things.  Oh right, sticks, duh.

Okay this post is not meant to show that we are inept at roughing it.  I had a mild concussion (ha) and we had been drinking, so the fire was not something that that roared right away.  My friend was stealthy and got it going.  We mused that this was a sign that even when you think you're defeated or something isn't going to work, sometimes you just needs some kindling (and toilet paper) and some patience and the fire will come alive.

We burned all but 1 piece of wood when it started to rain.

The sound of the rain on the tent was soothing...for the most part.  Middle of the night I woke up to what sounded like a monsoon outside. In the morning we both said we had been worried we'd be washed into the pond we were camping next to...the worst that occurred really was a wet tent on the outside and small leaks on the floor on the inside.  I need a drop cloth/tarp for underneath for next time.

Alas, the trip was fantastic.  We laughed. We were quiet. We roasted hotdogs on sticks.  We roasted marshmallows.  We floated.  We miraculously didn't need to pee while floating down the river for 5 hours...okay don't think about that part too much, I'll blush.

The best part (other than sitting by the fire for hours and watching it) was that I was accidentally unplugged...I didn't have my phone and was detached from the world in a way I hadn't been in a long time.

I needed that.

I need more of that.   I now have a great excuse to do more of it...thanks to Punky.

If you want to go camping or on an adventure...please let me know.  I promise to remember my purse and adjust my internal compass so I know when I'm supposed to drive east.

Until next time,
E