anger management

I got in a fight this morning with my mom. 

 

Yes I'm an adult, and no I'm not proud of the fact that I reacted like a 15 year old.

 

As most of you know, I live with my mom right now as I transition back to the real world again post-masters, and while it's typically easy going and I feel lucky that I have the option to shack up rent free there with my mom (who is very cool and great to be around, my friends can attest to this), some of the time I want to pull my hair out. 

 

I'm beyond ready to live back on my own as is age/developmentally appropriate, but I have to wait just a bit longer - financially speaking.

 

So that "some of the time" was this morning. 

 

I had made breakfast, put my dishes in the sink since a few other dishes were in there (so I just assumed the dishwasher was clean and I didn't have time to empty it before I left for work).  From down the hall my mom said "The dishwasher isn't clean you could have put your dishes in there".

 

Okay so that is litterally what she said.

What I heard was more "I'm sick of telling you to put your dishes in the dishwasher, you don't empty it enough, you don't help out around the house enough, you're not pulling your weight, you aren't appreciative enough that I let you live here and this is my house and you should be doing this without me asking". 

 

It IS possible that there was some of that tone, I know my  mom well enough to know that maybe there were some of those brief flashes of thought, but really she was technically just letting me know that the dishwasher wasn't clean and I could have put my dish in it versus the sink (which I would have if there weren't dishes in the sink already).

 

What I should have said was "Okay, I didn't know, I'll do it later" (or in a minute, which might have been best) but immediately I got defensive.

 

With a raised voice and some profanities...I was clearly angry.  I'm thinking "I help out a lot, I do things for my mom, we just finished a holiday weekend where I bought her some nice things that I had hoped showed my appreciation more than just my millions of "thank you's" that I give her, I help out when I can, I'm not a kid, I don't need a chore chart, what the hell she doesn't even notice I help out, she thinks I'm not appreiciative, she doesn't appreciate ME, I wouldn't have to answer to anyone if I lived on my own, I should be living on my own, why is she treating me like a kid, I'm not a kid (did I say that already?)".  

So we argued.  Back and forth a little.  I'd say we probably both said things that weren't appropriate for two adults who are normally level-headed...but this shit happens with parents and children...even if the children are adults.

 

Anyway, you get the point.  Many layers, combined with the fact that I hate dishes and the dishwasher (an ongoing joke in my household growing up is that once my kids can walk they are emptying the dishwasher), and that I was getting ready for work, I was a bit tired from being out late last night, and feeling a bit punchy. 

 

Perfect storm for an argument.

 

Like I said, I'm not proud of this.  What a stupid thing to argue about.  Bigger problems in the world and bigger problems in my life frankly that I don't even really know why that pissed me off so much.

 

I overreacted.  I acted like a kid, I felt like I was being talked to like a kid again and old patterns kind of came out naturally without being really aware of it.

 

So the layers of my thoughts/reaction all point to something actually other than anger - shame, embarrasement, frustration, stress, hurt, for example.

 

Just to use another situation as context - I have a couple of friends who had a tiff recently and they were both angry at eachother, but really what had happend is one was in a hurt sad place about something, and the other commented on it.  The first lashed out due to being "injured" emotionally by this, which then injured the second friend.  Argument ensues.  Anger is expressed. 

 

What is really going on? Hurt, frustration, misscommunication, missunderstanding, feelings of judgement, embarrassment perhaps?  I'm not sure exactly, since I'm not in their heads, but I'm fairly certain there were things going on OTHER than anger that lead to anger. 

 

I'm sure we've all been a part of these tiffs between friends, I've been angry at friends before and typically it's because I'm sad I haven't seen them in a while and feel a bit neglected by them, or felt hurt I wasn't included in something I felt I should have been.  Usually these are fleeting feelings of anger, but still, it's based upon something else.  Anger is just the way it's expressed but really it's something else.

 

Why am I bringing this up?  Well I think it's really important to look at what anger is.  There is a lot of anger in the world and it's not always as productive as it was developed evolutionarily to be.

 

I explain to my clients a lot that anger is something we all experience, there are times that it is important - such as when there is an injustice done to us and the anger helps protect us and get what we need out of a situation (anger likely puts the biggest fire under your ass as a motivator I'd guess)...but I also explain that often anger isn't really anger at all...it's sadness, it's frustration, it's embarrasement, it's hurt.  Often acting or reacting in anger is contributing to making a situation worse.

 

I said it, key words: anger is a reaction. I'd argue it's not a primary "emotion" but more of a primal reaction. 

As I said, it's served us well in some ways evolutionarily and even in day-to-day life, but I think it's a bit overused, and I'm guilty of it myself.

 

Anger is one of the easier things to feel.  Sometimes it even feels good. You know what I mean?   You're angry about something and you feel very right about it, and  you feel some passion about what you are either defending or arguing against, it's powerful.  But I think because it's "easy" we can go from 0-60 on anger when the right buttons are pushed.  It's a bit too easy. 

 

If we don't examine our anger, what triggers it, what we are actually angry about, what the emotions/thoughts/feelings are UNDERNEATH it, then it's much harder to control or change.

 

For instance, I wasn't angry really that my mom told me the dishwasher was dirty and I could put my dishes in there.  I was annoyed maybe, but I was more frustrated about living there, hurt that I felt she didn't appreciate what I do around the house and maybe embarrased that I don't do enough.

 

Working primarily with teens I see a lot of "angry kids".  As I often explain to their parents, I feel that their anger is not that they have "anger issues" but that likely they're sad, frustrated, confused, lonely, hurt, embarrased, and haven't developed the skills of expressing and processing these emotions. Granted even a twenty-something has a day when she can't express and process her emotions, but teens have a particularly hard time with this. 

 

If the skills to understand and manage ones anger aren't developed during those years, you wind up with many angry adults who walk around feeling pissed off.  Ever notice how contagious anger is? It's like a yawn. Someone is angry, and you see it, and it's hard not to feed off of it.  This is often what happens in parent-child arguments, intimate relationship arguments, etc.  One is angry (although I'd argue sad/hurt/frustrated/confused, etc) and the other reacts in kind.  Angry. 

 

So the cycle of anger is an important one to pay attention to, it's important because not only do we effect how we feel when we're angry, and even worse when we act in anger, but we also infect others when we're angry.

 

We all get angry.  It's human.  But what we do with it, how we understand it, and how we manage it is ultimately what is important.

 

 

Go figure that after the argument this morning I had some extra timeand put my dishes in the dishwasher and ran the dishwasher... An argument technically over nothing, but an indication that there is a lot still going on in me about living at home. 

 

Aaaand I forgot my to-go coffee on the counter.  Kharma's a bitch.

Sorry mom, I know you'll read this, I'll empty the dishwasher when I get home.

Until next time,
hopefully less angrE

The Mayan Calendar Doesn't Actually End, December 21, 2012

I bet you a kagilian dollars that one year from today, the world will not end.  Collect your winnings next year if I'm wrong, I'll likely be around still, either way.

I actually wrote about this subject in May, when another prediction popped up, and frankly I think that if me writing about us saves us all like it did in May, I might as well get writing.

This week I've started to talk to my clients about their 2011 years in review and what they're hopeful for, or would like to make happen, in this next year of 2012.

Typically they talk about what was tough and what was good about this past year and, what changes they hope to make, what good fortune they'd like to work towards in this coming year.

However, I'd guestimate about 1/3 of my clients have mentioned the end of the world.  Of that 1/3 there are probably half (1/6) who are like "Nah I don't believe that will happen" and the other half (1/6) who is actually worried about it.

I'm not saying these are people who THINK it will happen, but they are people who FEAR it will happen.

There is a difference (delusion vs. anxiety).

Keeping in mind that I'm working with a population that is typically fraught with anxiety around things they can't control (then again who isn't), this is the ultimate anxiety provoker.

No control over the outcome of the earth or our fate in terms of "apocalypse"...climate change? Well we have some control over that...let's hope it's not too late (There was no snow last weekend in the mountains...mid-December!!! Maybe that's the end of the world as we know it...).

Anyway, I have one or two clients that what we've been working on the whole time together is the fear of the end of the world on December 12, 2012...so this week is nothing new.  Today in fact, I have a feeling it will be particularly tough for a couple clients I see.

I work with them on facing the fear of not having control of it, and focusing on the fact that fearing it (or anything we fear) will not change it.  I do reality checking techniques where we explore the facts and how realistic it is for something like this to happen and then since there is likely bad things that happen to people in their lives at some point, we go back to talking about what we don't have control over.  We talk about feeling inspired to live our best lives every day, explore what it means to be human and the fact that we will all ultimately leave this earth and the thoughts/feelings around that...and some people find relief, and some people find medication.  (These are not bad practices for us in our day to day, how to live well every day, how to work on our fear of what we can't control as it is counter productive and doesn't change the outcome of bad things, and for us to appreciate our lives - crappy things and all).

With the amount of people that "know" about the date as being when the world might end, it isn't surprising that there are many who fear it, statistically speaking.  And what's more, is that there are shows about it, movies about it, and some convincing arguments...

BUT, there is always a but, those shows/movies/arguments are false, twisted, taken out of context, are created to frighten audiences like horror movies, or at least to cause unrest that will make people spend money on stupid things.

Stupid thing example: Pet Care in the Apocalypse - I'm not kidding.  Apparently your really cute dog or cat "has no soul" and won't be going to heaven...so some people have kindly resolved to take care of them for you, when you head up to be with God...ha I just don't even know where to start with this one.  I would direct you to the websites but I really don't want to supply them with more web traffic...if you're interested just google it.  

What I do like about the Pet Care site (and probably other Christian based sites) is it basically says, hey don't worry about 2012...the world will actually end in 2020 because...you know those Mayans? Yah they weren't reading the Bible close enough (or at all, actually), so they are off by about 8 years.

If I'm still blogging in 2020 I'll write about how the end of the world isn't in 2020 either, and the Mayans and Christians may be smart about some things but they are not great predictors of rapture (we survived May after all).

THE POINT IS - the world isn't going to end next year.

What people are fearing is what they THINK is the end of the Mayan calendar, which is actually not true nor is it accurate.  Nostradamus apparently has a 2012 prediction too, but who believes that guy?  He's made a prediction for like every other month.

The Mayan calendar was created by humans, as was our Gregorian Calendar which has no real significance other than telling us when our weekends are and when the seasons (are supposed to) change.

Plus I just watched a show on the Science Channel or Discovery channel where some scientist thinks that time doesn't even exist...so we may not even be keeping track of time at all, and if that's true then I think we're more screwed than the end of the world, we're just staying still and then it's like we're an extended season of LOST and we're all in purgatory or something.

Okay, so I don't actually think that, I think there is time, we are moving forward, but these calendars are a bit...well...man made or at least man instilled value in them other than for tracking purposes.

Anything man made is not only flawed, but also finite.  Man made things end, man made things break, man made things are more faulty than naturally occurring things like rocks and stuff.

THE KEY to unlocking this myth of the end of the world is in understanding that the Mayan calendar is not linear like the Gregorian Calendar, it is like an odometer in your car where once the number hits it's max it goes back to 1.  Next year it it reaches 13.0.0.0.0. (sweet lucky thirteen!) and then it flips to 0.0.0.0.1.   It is just the start of the next cycle of the calendar.  What this will mean likely is...well...nothing.  

Maybe the age of Aquarious will bust out, or a great awakening will happen, but we'll wake up on 12.22.12 and realize SHIT we have to get our Christmas purchases done in the next 3 days...

Until next forward moving point in the space and time continuum, 

E

Friends With Benefits

You all remember those analogies in various standardized tests, right?

Friends : Sex ::  

a) Penut Butter : Fluff

b) Money : Charity

c) Oil : Water

d) Dinner and Drinks : First Date

Obviously C.  The answer is always C. 

The takeaway is that they they don't (or maybe more accurately - shouldn't) mix.

Why are you bringing this up, E? I was happy in my life daydreaming about knocking boots with my hot friend.

Well, today Paige Parker (a blogger I follow) brought it up.  She writes a lot about dating on her blog/site called Dating Without Drama.

She posted a short article written by a man on his take on friends with benefits (FWB) and I thought it was a good topic to share my thoughts around, with y'all...and plus when I tell you things here (my blog) it keeps me in check here (my life).

In brief (though it was an already succinct post), he pointed out that while it sounds logical...we are good friends, we'd both like to get laid, so why not? it's just generally not a good idea.  What he says is ultimately one develops feelings for the other due to repeated intimacy and then results typically in someone getting hurt.

He points out that what is likely a better alternative is acquaintances with benefits (if you use the aquaintances listing option on facebook, this might be an easy way to scout out your next f.buddy). 

The tough part is that acquaintances with benefits or AWB, takes away from the instant comfort level that closer friends might afford you...and really I'm not sure how to navigate this other than to reach out to an aquaintance who you don't know well and say..."Hey, I've been thinking...".  I mean you might as well seem like less of a sleeze and ask that person out on a date.

I think the first part of what he said is true, though.  

It would be hard to imagine having meaningless sex when you a) actually care about the other person b) like them as person enough to be their friend and c) (it's always c) find them attractive enough to get naked with them.  

I'm sure some are better than others about not letting the sexcapades invade the friendship, but for the most part it is almost unavoidable that someone will pump the breaks and the other might want to hit cruise control...or speed up for that matter.

The man in the post makes the following and most important point:  If there is part of you hoping that the FWB will turn into a relationship, you will likely be disappointed.  It's important to know that if it was going to turn into a relationship, it already would have.  

A relationship would have developed over time if the key ingredients were there (chemistry, a good match, timing, both interested/willing) versus simply because you're saying "hey, you're single and great, I'm single and great...I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine".

Mila and Justin being friends

I never saw the movie Friends With Benefits, though my grandmother (ha, seriously) said it was cute and I'd like it if I "like racy and fun movies". 

Which I do.  I likely will see it now that I'm posting this.

I'm assuming, that these friends in the movie who hook up, end up falling in love (thank you obvious Hollywood movies - maybe I don't need to see it, or I'll watch it on mute just to see if I can catch a glimpse of Justin's ass or something). 

I don't think that friends with benefits typically pan out in real life, at least not for long. It's likely it will turn out like some of the people in Jurassic Park (like the guy who plays Newman from Sienfeld - I'm pretty sure he was eaten by a T-Rex or the raptors - God, how good is the raptor in the kitchen scene? Still so intense when I think about it like 15 years later).  

Or if the friendship doesn't crash and burn completely it may forever be scared or mangled or complicated like the dorky kid gone off the deep end to become a villain in The Incredibles (which was on last night...PS - how amazing is  Edna Mode's character?).

someone else's breakdown of FWB

I'm not saying in the moment it's not fun or that it isn't possible that it could work, or even that it could work out...but I think overall when I'm thinking about it with a clear and sober mind it's best to be avoided.

Also, I think this is slightly different than a drunken one time thing.  

I know of a lot of situations where friends can be drunk and misinterpret this drunkeness for a real connection...one thing leads to another and the morning comes and it's like "woops".  

This is far less damaging generally than repeated encounters, however, it's true that the physical connection may cause ripples for a while, and even again when each of those people moves onto other relationships.

So where does this leave single people who have a healthy sexual appetite and don't want to continue, or start, a string of one-night stands?  

Well, for this I actually don't have much of a suggestion as I'm not an expert on navigating this gray area despite some years of...err...research.  

My guess is patience, exercise, cold showers and maybe a brief stint with religion could do the trick...or at least find some good looking and willing acquaintances. 

Well, at least I've got exercise.

Until next time,

E (with benefits)

PS. Please share (anonymously if you'd prefer) what your FWB experience has been...successful? "no strings attached"? Let me know!

but who's counting, anyway

I just got home from a field hockey game (more about that in a sec) and I'm so tired and wiped out that I couldn't even bring myself to take my shin guards off for the first hour of being home (part of that might be from also having a great but late-night-filled weekend).

kill bill 1 is on.  score.

I'm feeling old, or at least not in my high school field hockey playing shape (though I'm still wearing my high school gym shorts, go Flyers!).  Likely just the latter, but hard to know.

I'm hungry and can't even get myself to get up to microwave something, I will shortly.  You won't know the difference because this will all post at once...but trust me, I'll eat dinner.

Anyway, I'm playing on a local adult league that my good friend help to round people up for, and we just played our third game...

Some of the people on my team I played with in high school, and I have to say it's been one of the highlights of my week for these last few weeks.

I don't think it's a very fun game to watch, so much stop and go, lots of rules, the whistle blows constantly...aside from the sexy kilts we had to wear (roll up really short) in high school I'm not sure what anyone was doing watching us.

BUT despite all of that it's such a fun sport to play.

We have a small team, there are 7 of us, and we need 7 people on the field.  Your team has to forfeit if we don't have at least 5 at a given game...because of our schedules and the winter colds that I'm sure will come up, we've been playing man down or at least NO subs for each game.

We're talking running/sprinting (then a little walking) back and forth, for two-25 minute halves with a 30 second time out here and there.  I swear it's hard. I may or may not have wanted to vom the first half of the first game...but I managed to keep it together.

Some really nice players from other teams have been offering to play here and there on our team so that for the most part we aren't playing 5 vs. 7 (though its technically a forfeit if we use other players).

I'm not used to doing something that I'm not very good at.

Mind you I'm not being super hard on myself since I haven't played in about 10 years, and I'll improve I'm sure with each game, but it's not an automatic "Oh I kick ass at this".

(mmm Trader Joe's frozen Chicken Tikka Masala)

My default is to seek out things I'm good at, and I'm sure I'm not alone.

I think that despite the fact that I don't totally suck, I'm not the best.  This is tough for me on some levels in general, not even just in field hockey.  It's been teaching me instead to focus on having fun with it and improving myself (mainly my stick handling - insert inappropriate joke here)...versus worrying that I'm letting the team down when I miss the ball, or how I'm not a lead scorer.

I think this is an important exercise (physically and mentally) to push myself to do something that I'm not super wonderful at, and stick to it.  Pun intended.

There is also less pressure when you know you're doing something for the experience versus to impress someone else or to say I'm really good at this. 


Our varsity coach literally drained me of any enjoyment of playing my senior year.

I quit the team with 2 games left (then they went to tournament, damnit) mostly out of principle - aka anger.  I wrote her a letter explaining how she was a super bitch (not those words) and was unfair about not letting me play for many more than the required games, when I missed one for a legit reason, among other things she did that pissed me off.

I was decent, not awesome, but I had a lot of heart, I loved playing and she managed to strip me of this by her coaching "technique".

I say "technique" because it was more like she was militant and was good at making us feel badly about how we played versus encouraging us/inspiring us to dig deeper.  I'm not sure if I'd do it again, or if I'd stick it out to play the last few games now that I realize I was being a moody teenager, but at the time I felt like it was better to tell her she ruined it for me in hopes she wouldn't do that for future kids on her teams.

I'm not saying coaches shouldn't push their team hard and drive them into the ground to a certain extent, but there was an edge to her that just over the course of those seasons scraped away my love and passion for it.

If I had the choice I'd obviously be good at something vs. not, but being so-so is an opportunity to just enjoy it instead of feeling upset by it (like I did 10 years ago).

I'm glad that I have been reintroduced and still love it all these years later...

It is so fun despite our small team, no substitutes, it having been years since most of us played and our 0-3 record as of today, but who's counting, anyway.

We play with a lot of sweating, a lot of laughing and most importantly a lot of heart and it feels like a win to me.

I'm now much more apt to try something I might not be the best at, and I would encourage you to do the same.

(Maybe not the best time to recruit you our team when we play the next league...but I swear we are improving and with more players/subs we would definitely kick ass...if you're interested let me know.   Seriously. Do it.)

Until next time,
a tirEd fiEld hockEy playEr

break up to make up? roller coaster relationship habits die hard

Many of my clients have similar areas that they have issues with.

Of course their diagnoses/symptoms/behaviors are all over the place from Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Bipolar, Adjustment, etc etc. which is often the primary goal of therapy to "help", however the other big themes are self esteem/self efficacy, lack of motivation/lack of self care and challenges with relationships.

Relationships are the biggest I think.

This is something that I think we can all identify with even if we are high functioning, aren't in counseling and don't carry a diagnosis.

The challenges I see most with my clients (since most of them are teens, but even with the adults) are surrounding family members, peers and intimate relationships.  Okay so that's really the majority of relationships we have, but you get the idea.

-Family challenges range from sibling rivalry, poor parenting, challenging children's behaviors, absent family members, abuse/neglect, family dynamic challenges, divorce, adoption...just to name a few.

-The challenges with peers range from bullying, fighting, cruelty between friends, friends who are experiencing something bad and my client is trying to support them, rumors, feeling left out, being picked on, being popular but hating themselves, feeling not well liked, not having friends, and the ever changing landscape that is their friends as they grow/change/mature.

-The challenges with intimate relationships...well this is a big category.  The issues range from not having relationships, to having many relationships, from falling in love to getting one's heart broken, cheating, lying, manipulating, abuse, marriage, pregnancy, raising children, fighting, vacations, financial struggles/issues, inequality in the relationship, and (my least favorite and often the most challenging because it includes many of the things in this list) the on and off again relationships.

**PLEASE NOTE:  I don't always focus on what is going badly with my clients, I like to take a Positive Psychology spin and also focus on what is going well...for the purposes of this post I'm going to focus on the negative aspects of relationships, though I do feel in my heart of hearts that my clients are capable of having healthy relationships (with some direction/guidance and an increase in self esteem) and that there are relationships that are healthy and enjoyable...this is not me saying "down with relationships" but sharing with you some trends I've seen.**

Literally I have clients that are 14 and some in their 40's who are in these very similar on/off relationships.  From one session to the next I don't know if they'll be together or not.  I have to be careful not to be bold and say "leave this guy" or "she's not good enough for you" because the next week they are back in love (also because I probably shouldn't be saying that anyway...even if I think it).

I have a couple clients that I've been working with since June (so let's say 10-15 sessions) who are still in this on/off pattern.  Some of them have children, some of them are pregnant, some of them are freshman in high school and haven't had other relationships to know better...and some of them, well I think they like the drama of it.  I also think that these are hard relationships to end since they are so used to this person in and out of their lives that they assume it will come back around again, even subconsciously.  These are often long and drawn out relationships so their partner has also been in their lives a long time, been with them through tough times, and consumed their lives/energy/thoughts for, well, frankly, too long.

It's also hard to end relationships even when you KNOW it's not good for you.  I can't tell you how many people have said "I know we're not good together, I know Soandso isn't who I'm going to end up with".  Yet you check back and they're still doing the same go around.

I think that there is something about relationships that are on/off that, to me, just drips with immaturity.  The push/pull and the roller coaster is something that makes sense for my freshman in high school clients, and not so much for my clients in their mid 40's. 

Don't you desire some consistency? Don't you have the need to be with someone you aren't always questioning if they'll be there for you the next day?  What does it mean for you to be alone and single? Why is that so scary to you?  Don't you know you DESERVE better?   Typically no, they don't know they deserve better, or they assume they wouldn't find it.

Often times I see people staying in relationships because they fear being alone, or fear that they wont find someone else. This is understandable, it can be scary. 

Sometimes we feel having something is better than nothing, even if that something is bad for us, or just isn't right for us.  I had someone recently say "I'm just not good at being alone", but I bet they would be.  I bet they'd take better care of themselves, I bet they'd ultimately be happier and in a better place to attract a healthier relationship to them.

I mean clearly relationships that are "consistent" aren't always good either...they can be consistently bad, but the relationships that everyone responds to "here we go again" or "you'll get back together, you always do" (and I know you all know someone, or yourself even, who are in these relationships) are of the worst around.

There is something so emotionally taxing about this up/down yes/no (thank you Katy Perry) that I think, each break up is the web getting more complicated and harder to pull away from.  Each time is an opportunity in someone's mind to say I'll show everyone they were wrong about this relationship, this time will be different, maybe they have changed, they promised things will be different.

Okay to be fair, I'm sure sometimes these relationships work out (with some good couples counseling, maybe a real solid break and working on themselves and coming back and working to change old habits) but in my personal life (friends/family) and in my clinical life I have not seen this pan out.

Facebook has been helpful in identifying these relationships for us.  You will see on your feed (just saw one today) where it goes from "in a relationship" to "single" to "in a relationship" to "engaged" to "single"...or some variation of this...in the matter of weeks/months.  You'll also see people comment on the relationship change "again?" "wait I thought things were going well" "don't worry, you guys will figure it out" or my favorite "finally, is this for good this time?". 

I don't think that the perfect relationship means you've never broken up, or that you haven't endured some challenge, or that something hasn't been done by one of the partners that was unforgivable when it happened but they've worked through it.  In fact if you look at strong and good relationships often there was some sort of conflict that they overcame together.  HOWEVER, if the basis of the relationship is built on conflict, or arguments leading to break ups and make ups then this is a long road...those patterns don't change themselves.

These are also the most annoying relationships for our friends and family.  Our friends and family can see that this situation is stuck on repeat and that it's really hard to get out of it.  People get frustrated when they give you advice every time, and you keep going back and doing the same thing.  These are the relationships where they cab end up being alienated by their friends and feel like this person they are in a relationship with is all they have...this further strengthens the web.

I don't think anyone goes into a relationship looking for this type of dynamic, I think that sometimes relationships start on track and then keep slipping off track.  Instead of keeping it around for the sake of it, I think we're all better served (as those in the relationship and as the supporters of those in the relationship) if we take a step back and say "what am I getting out of this?"  "are these patterns changing?"  "what can I do to change the patterns?" "am I willing to see if this time is different?"  etc etc.
I hope that you are in a happy, healthy, mutual, mature and loving relationship.

If you're in one of these roller coaster relationships, I hope that you take the opportunity to step back and take a look at it.  In 2 years do you still want to be fighting the same battles?  In 10 years do you want to be starting over? Or are you more apt to be successful in love if you start over now?  Starting over may be scary, because it's unknown, but when we pick something scarier because it's known...we already know the outcome, we aren't being true to self, and we're really just screwing ourselves in the long run.

If you aren't in a relationship, I hope you find someone who appreciates you for who you are, encourages you to be your potential, is a support to you, you are a support to them, and that you can argue in a healthy way (I swear, this is important).

We are remiss if we don't question something when it keeps shaking us as an attempt to get us to pay attention to it.  Einstein was a pretty smart guy, he may have failed math but he said that insanity is when we do the same thing over and over and expect different results...and man, I think he was onto something.

Until next time,
E

straight up now tell me is it going to be remade music forever?

I've talked about it before, but like many of you, I love music.

I can't sit still when good music plays, it literally can shift my mood with each song that plays, and despite the sounds that come out of my mouth I still try and sing every word I know.

Maybe in another life I will be a well known singer or part of a famous band.  I'd like to think so anyway.

I think I'm lucky actually, because I like a lot of different kinds of music. A lot of people say that (especially on online dating profiles) but really my favorites range from the likes of Tool to 2Pac, to MGMT to Mozart.  I'm really all over the place.  I'd say my favorite genres at this point are Alternative Rock and Hip Hop (some new and a lot of old school/underground)...and Reggae...and Classical.  

I like something with a good beat, a catchy hook/sample, talented vocals and unexpected instruments (getting up in there with violins with rap, man love that), powerful/resonating lyrics, and well timed peaks and crescendos for drama.

When all of those things combine you get a great song.  Like Eternal Flame by the Bangles.

Okay okay, I'm not saying it's a musical masterpiece, but it is my favorite.

I'm not kidding.  

Sentimental, old school tune, love song, Bangles.  I mean really, listen to it...can you even argue?

The only music I can't handle is screaming metal.

I went to a 3 day festival a couple years ago (90% of the bands were amazing Tool, Jay-Z (Beastie Boys were supposed to but couldn't because Ad-Rock was sick with cancer), Black Keys, MGMT, Silversun Pickups, Gorgol Boredello (holy shit they are fun)...etc etc).  Anyway at this festival a band who will remain nameless played some screaming metal with sounds that were no where near musical.  It was the music I am sure plays on the elevator as you make your way through the 7 layers of Dante's Inferno.  They got boo'd so loud (likely because we couldn't hear anything anymore...). 

The music I typically don't enjoy is Country, though I can tollerate it.  

I grew up with Country in my house, my step dad grew up in Florida and was a southern boy, so we often had a lot of Country playing.  Old school Country is sentimental to me, I can kind of appreciate it.  Who can't enjoy a little Johnny Cash or Willie Nelson?

These days it's very poppy, and I get why a lot of people like it, but I'm just not convinced it's actually good quality music.

I realize many people disagree so if that is your only comment after this post, then consider it understood ahead of time.  It's fun, I get it.  You tailgate and see the last 5 songs of a show and...it's fun.  Really, I get it.  I don't think less of you (for the most part), but I just don't want to partake. (Can you tell I've gotten flack for it before? haha).

What I'm going to say next will absolutely make me sound and feel old...but I have to, I can't contain it anymore.

KIDS THESE DAYS DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOOD!

I now understand what my mom and her siblings talked about when I was younger, that the music "these days" (back 15-20 years) was not of the quality that it was when they were kids.  They're right in some ways.  I think now, however, that is even more true than ever.

I'm going out on a limb and say that the late twenty somethings are the last generation to have good quality music to grow up listening to.  

I mean seriously we grew up with greats ranging from Nirvana, Green Day, TLC, Run DMC, ADCD, The Offspring, to Biggy, etc etc.  Not to mention we were coming off the heels of the 70's and 80's of rock and roll, jam bands...

There is some great music now, I like a lot of current bands, but in terms of quality I think we're talking 1/3 of the stuff circulating is actually any good.

Okay so enough rambling...The reason I even started to write this post is because of the song Work Out by J Cole.

I can appreciate this song, honestly, like I said something with a beat I can appreciate and move to.  What I'm upset about is that I bet anyone younger than 24 doesn't even know that the lines starting "Straight up now tell me, do you really wanna love me for ever...." were originally by Paula Abdul.

Clearly my vote for best version is by Ms. Abdul.

Remakes and using samples from old songs is nothing new...I mean Vanilla Ice claims he didn't steal the hook from David Bowie, but we all know he did.

I think sometimes good songs can be remade well (for instance I like Boyz In The Hood by Dynamite Hack and by NWA originally), but rarely is the new song better than the old.

I do get really angry when a song starts to play on the radio and I think "oh is this Back in the Day Buffet?" and it's not actually the song I thought it was.  JLo and LLCoolJ are guilty of this with a remake of Very Speical  by Debra Lewis that I think wasn't very good (I actually think it was remade once before when we were like 10, or at least put to a faster beat).

I mean I'm all about remaking things if it's an honest attempt to better a song...but I think a lot of "artists" will sail along on someone else's song and due to the age of the listeners they have no idea.

I do actually like it if it's a hook that is totally different than the music that is played over it.  An example of this that I think is a good one is Kayne's Diamonds from Sierra Leone using the hook from Shirley Bassay (was from the 007 original soundtrack).  I think he did a great job with the overlay and use of something much older/classic.

I could go on and on.  But likely most of you have either already stopped reading this post, or that you're starting to glaze over, I wont. I guess I just felt a little old and a little pissed that Straight Up (the original, obviously) has been stuck in my head for days...and won't quit.

Oh oh oh...I guess I'm just having fun.

Until next time,
remakE

two lawyers walk into a bar...

...and E goes on dates with both of them.

Ha.

Okay, that wasn't supposed to be a joke, it's actually the summation of my dating life in the last couple weeks.

So, I suppose you could still call it a joke.

Because I love you guys, and because I can find humor in my dating failures (and so can you), and maybe you/I can learn from my mistakes/wrong turns/epiphanies, I figured I'd share.

**
I was trying to heed the advice of my recent guest blogger (Connor Mead) by not sticking so rigidly to my "list".

Like most people I have a somewhat informal running list (okay, maybe I've put it in Excel before, pivot tables anyone?) of things I'd like in my next relationship...this includes some things about the guy, how I want to feel around him and the different aspects of the relationship...pretty basic stuff.  Good guy, have fun, chemistry, mutuality...and tall.  I like them tall.

But, since I believe that if you don't change your approach you can't expect different results, I decided to start to give some guys a chance that I might not normally be interested in.

These aren't guys that I shouldn't be interested in, per se, we're talking eligible bachelors...but maybe not typically my type (when someone single says that you should retort with "well looks like your type hasn't been working for you", "...touché" they should reply).

Moving on.

I was seeing these two guys (not together, obviously, and no they didn't walk into the bar together, the joke is a loose depiction of my dating life mind you) and we'll call them Mr. Esquire 1 and Mr. Esquire 2.

Aside from both being Jewish (bonus points, not mandatory) lawyers, they were very different from one another.

Mr. Esq 1 was very proper.  He was a nice southern boy who suggested classy establishments to meet at for our dates.  He was engaging, asked me a lot of questions but also offered up a lot about himself.  He was smart and driven and funny.  He hailed from one of the best universities in the country.  He had a little bit of the curse of niceness, but was interesting enough that it wasn't a turn off.

He kissed me after the first date, which surprised me.  It was nice.  I was surprised he was forward enough to "make a move" based upon his properness so even though I wasn't 100% about him, he had surprised me so I met him again.

We had similar stories in terms of our complicated families, he was worldly and had also made a career change, he stacked up to any list someone would have made.

He did the right things, he paid for drinks, he followed up, he suggested fun things to do, he held the door.

So what was it that I was hesitant about?  Was it really the hair I saw creeping up from the top of the back of his shirt?  Was it really that he vaguely looked like someone I used to date?  Was it really that I just didn't find him manly enough?

I don't think it was anything in particular, but when I awkwardly avoided his kiss on the second date - which mind you was in broad daylight in public (so bad when you keep talking just so that they can't kiss you), I realized that my desire to push him up against the wall and give into any physical desire just wasn't there...I had to call it quits.

I let him down gently, he was understanding and appreciative that I was honest with him.

I was interested in him as a friend, he's a cool guy.  Maybe if I'm single when I'm 35 I'll be fine with a companion that is just my friend, but right now physical chemistry and desire is a must.

Mr. Esq 2 was very laid back.  He was a nice local guy who for our first date suggested a bar on the same block as his apartment, where his friends hung out frequently.

He showed up in a long sleeved t-shirt (which on the second date he told me his friends had reamed him out for wearing), and I just felt like he wasn't taking things seriously enough. He knew the bartender (female) who monopolized much of the first date with talking to him about being sworn in.  He didn't introduce us and it was kind of awkward.

I don't need things serious all the time, but having me meet you at the closest bar possible to your house and talking to the bartender the first half of the date is just not my idea of a good/exciting time.

The rest of the date (once we were actually talking to each other versus the bartender) was enjoyable enough that when he asked me out again, I figured, why not.  He proposed playing pool, so I was excited to do something fun...friendly competition is a good time on dates.

Again, we went to a fairly local bar to him (he didn't make suggestions to meet half way, or ask where I'd like to go, but I figured he came up with the idea so I went with it).   We played pool, we were a bit more flirty than the first date, and it was fun.  We wound up at a total dive bar which was funny and I think more typical of his type of hanging out situation, but don't get me wrong, I like a good dive bar now and again.

Overall it was a good time.  I paid for a couple of our drinks, which I don't usually mind at all, but there was a level of inconsideration (is that a word? looks funny) and a lack of maturity on his part that irked me a little and made me resent grabbing some rounds.

I wasn't sure how I felt about him even during the date.  I'm usually pretty clear about "yes, I'm interested" or "no, I'm not".  He was on the edge of that.

So what was it that I was hesitant about?  Was it really that he showed up too casual on the first date and was too nonchalant?  Was it really that I felt like I was on a college date? Was it really that I felt like he was interested in what I looked like and not genuinely interested in anything else about me?

We had fun, I was attracted to him enough that I didn't awkwardly resist him kissing me like Esq1.  But he just felt like he was 22 (though he's in his late 20's)...I was a bit turned off by going out to the bars I did that age, and his still wanting to stay within a 4 block radius of his apartment.

There was something about it that just felt like we were in different places in our lives and looking for different types of relationships.  I talked to him about it yesterday (after he had been following up with friendly conversation since our last date...but after a week the back and forth seemed to lead no where).   He said he agreed that he wasn't sure if we were really lining up right.  Who knows what he really thought.

**
Even though during these dates with these two guys I was making a concerted effort to not worry about the things on my list, they actually had a lot of the things on that list (despite me mentioning a lot of the negative things above).

Both made me laugh, both were interesting and driven (though in different ways), both were tall enough.  Both of them were attractive enough that if I had really felt connected or intrigued by them I would have found them increasingly attractive.

All of the things I had hesitated about were not deal breakers individually (I mean back hair isn't attractive but there are ways to deal with that.  Who cares what bar we go to, if you're an awesome guy and I'm excited about you we could be sitting in the library and I'd enjoy myself), and I know from experience that when you like someone enough their flaws, or whatever, become endearing or you overlook them (at least initially)...

...but still I wasn't really feeling that connected to either of them.

So while I was doing a bit of nit picking, it wasn't that I felt that anything about them was black/white a yes/no...but the whole gestalt of the person and how I felt around them just...wasn't it.

I'm glad I went out with both of them a few times.  I'm glad to have met some cool guys that I enjoyed spending time with despite not feeling like I wanted to date them.

I learned that even when you're not guy shopping according to your list you can still find guys who actually have the things you need and want...and the reality is that even with those attributes the guy might not be the right fit for you.

I'm still waiting for the right fit.

I'm starting to lose steam on looking, however, so maybe it will find me.  I'm tossing my "would be nice to have" list aside (though not forgetting my standards/needs), and remaining open to meeting new people and seeing when the spaghetti sticks to the ceiling to let me know that the noodle, that is a relationship, is fully cooked.

Sorry, really bad metaphor but you get the point.

Aaaand sorry for the rambling post about my lawyer duo escapades...it was interesting for me and when I talked to friends about going on dates with two lawyers, it just sounded like a bad joke that I had to share.

Until next time,
E-less-squire

Thanksgiving Eve - Get your reunion on.

Tomorrow kicks off the holiday season, which as you know, is the whirlwind of money spending, holiday food eating, reuniting and well, drinking.

The night before Thanksiving (Thanksgiving Eve/Reunion Night/Hey, How You Been Night), is when everyone is back in their hometown after sometimes a year or so (unless of course you live there...).  

Most hometowns have their hot spot for Wednesday night where most people congregate for an informal reunion of sorts.  

Since Facebook is what connects us all (check out how FB has made the 7 degrees of seperation...SMALLER), the "need" for this reunion, or the amount that you can talk about is reduced.  I can ask you how you're doing, but the likely case is for the most part I know what part of the city you live in, if you're dating, if you're working, and what your general weight is (and if it's changed) since the last time I saw you.

This makes the Hey, how you been? question a bit less authentic and more small talk than it ever was...and I'm pretty sure it's always been that way, in some capacity.

It is nice, though, to have an excuse to see people from childhood that you don't typically go out of the way of seeing, but I feel the pleasantries are nice and nostalgic.  

For those of you who didn't like high school, maybe you avoid this night all together or it's anxiety provoking because you're not really sure how you'll be received, or you could not care less about the folks going.  I encourage you to go out and give people another shot, who knows who you might connect with.

I enjoy going, I loved high school, actually.  For the most part it is an excuse to see my friends, and an opportunity to connect with people I haven't in ages.  

This year I'm really going to work on being extra non-judgmental.  

I mean typically I'm not really, but I'm hoping that my non-judgement is reciprocated when people ask "so where are you living" and I tell them "around the corner with my mah".  

Maybe they'll have read this by then and not even ask me.  Maybe they'll have read this by then and still ask me and pass judgement.  Either way, we're all in different places in our lives, so F off if you care that much about my financial situation. Okie? :)

Next year around this time (is my guess) we'll be having our official 10 year reunion.  

I just threw up in my mouth a little.  

Yeah, we're getting old.  You know who you are.

Two years ago was the last time that I was willing to go to our Thanksgiving Eve "hotspot" because I realized that some of the people I babysat for when I was younger were drunk and LEGAL to do so, and that everyone looked about 12 years old, and about 90 lbs.  Bleh.

So last year I decided, with friends, to branch out from where we had been going essentially since the middle of college...and it was a much quieter, more adult, you could actually walk around the bar without literally bumping and pushing people who knew you when you were awkward, and overall a more friendly time.  We'll see where we all end up this year, I might feel the need to do a bit of bar/restaurant hopping to get the right feel/combo of people.  We'll see.  

**Also, as a friendly reminder, the next couple days are really dangerous for drunk driving.  Since you'll be home, don't be ashamed to ask Mom or Dad or your little sister to come pick you up...it's better than missing Thanksgiving all-together.  This time of year marks the loss of some people I know as a result of driving accidents, so take care, drink responsibly, and drive safely.**

Speaking of, the holiday season can be anniversaries of things, or bring up memories of things that can be really tough for people.  You would think that it would be all fun and games, but for people who have painful memories of family members who are no longer with us, or remembering  fighting over the dinner table, or remember financial troubles around this time, it can be a tough time.  There are things in my life that have made parts of this season painful, but I refuse to let anything tarnish my Thanksgiving day, I will only let it be enjoyable.

Thanksgiving happens to be my favorite holiday, mostly because of the stuffing (which I'm not even sure I can eat, more about this in a post coming soon).  A couple of my cousins won't be making it this year, but otherwise for the most part my whole mom's side of the family gets together and eats and drinks and enjoys our time.  

My grandmother always asks us to go around and share what we're thankful for which makes us squirm a little, but frankly we need to do this. We need to remember what we're thankful for.  There are so many things in our lives we complain about, wish were different, envy about others, and take advantage of, that we need to take the time (more frequently, frankly) and remind ourselves of this. 

I'm thankful for: my supportive family (extended and immediate), my friends who I can tell anything to and they love me anyway, my friends who I'm getting closer to, or have known me forever and who I so appreciate having a great time with, for my bosses for being great supports of my new career and encouraging me to be a great therapist (and showing me how by example), for my overall health and well being, for the health of most of the people I care about (and for those who are sick or passed away, for my opportunity to know and love them when they were healthy and alive, I'm thankful for my luck, my opportunities, my failures I've learned from and the future I have ahead of me...just to name a few.

I asked Facebook what people were thankful for, and only a handful of people answered.  I was pretty surprised by this, I might ask again.  As of today the common answers were health, family, friends and job.  I have to say, if you've got 3 of 4 of those things, you're doing pretty well...sadly not everyone has those.  Please feel free to post a comment about what you're thankful for, I think it encourages others to think about it and when we write these things I think it's helpful for us too (hence why I even have a blog in the first place).

Cheers, be well, be thankful and happy holiday season kick off.

Until next time,
Thankfull-E

PS. I can't write about Thanksgiving without at least acknowledging this:

The one thing that does somewhat tarnish Thanksgiving (and means we just need to be even MORE thankful) is that Thanksgiving has a dark past.  Like Columbus Day I think there are many things wrong with celebrating the deceiving, taking advantage of and killing of almost an entire race of people.  But I'll leave politics/history/controversy at the door, and let myself enjoy the holiday, seeing family, probably some of you, and some of my other friends.  

GUEST BLOGGER: Connor Mead: How to lose a guy in 1 month.

So ask and you shall receive.  What are guys thinking when you are dating them? How are guys evaluating you, ladies?  

Here is some inside scoop from a friend of mine, let's call him...Connor Mead.  

Connor has been so kind to give us a brief and helpful look inside the mind of a very capable, hard working, successful introspective, attractive, energetic, intelligent (and yes, he's real, good guys are not extinct) single 20 something guy...and compare it a bit to us ladies.  (Connor might say that was a rundown of my checklist, perhaps. Read on to hear more.)

I felt that giving another voice here would be helpful, and since we've chatted many times about our dating lives (and lack of, at times), I figured why not share him with y'all.  

I hope you enjoy another perspective.  Feedback and comments (as usual) are more than welcomed, and if all goes well, maybe we'll have Mr. Mead visit from time to time for some male perspective. :)


My take away from this post is, that if you're still looking for that special someone, it's time to stop being so ridged with our criteria, and start being open to what type of relationship we want, versus just peoples' stats.

Without further ado:

Until next time,

E

****

Hello! My name is Mr. Connor Mead. I am a 20 something guy enjoying all that my lovely city has to offer. I have been in all the situations people our age utilize to meet someone of the opposite sex: bars, friend’s parties, family setup, blind dates, office romances, online dating, random places like the super market, and all have provided great experiences and stories.  After a few convo’s with “E”, I thought why not offer the guys perspective on at least one aspect of this crazy dating world many of us find ourselves in. 


Currently, as a self diagnosed “nice guy who finishes last” I feel the hardest part I have been finding in navigating the dating scene is not meeting a woman’s “checklist” criteria. What is “checklisting” you say? Every girl has a complex algorithm of categorizing and critiquing a guy that makes launching a man into space look easy. This “checklist” is a rating that they put on every aspect of a man, weather they realize it or not. Sometimes it is as simple as how he looks, sometimes it is as complex as “I can’t put my finger on it but he just doesn’t seem to have enough edge.” Men are asked a million questions with everything from tone to how we hold a fork being evaluated. We are forced into non- traditional channels like texts that involve emoticons. Our FB profiles are combed to understand what we looked like in 2003. OK, I know I am being a bit over the top, but you get the idea, a woman wants to know everything thing about us as fast as possible to make a quick decision about how worthy of their time we are.

Now before you think I am placing all the blame on woman. Men, just as much as woman, have their own methodologies on dating. Men look at woman like sports cards. Everyone woman has stats that form her “Sports Card.” When I meet with my friends (both guys and girls) and I tell them about a new girl. I read her stats off right away. Where is she from, what does she do, what does she look like, family setup, interests, noteworthy moments in her life, and so on. Every nugget of our conversation and interaction is put into a category on a mental “sports card” that describes who she is. Men do this so they can compare cards to each other, both in their own collection and to other guys. You always want to be the best, have the best, and show off that you have it. And when that card no longer seems to hold the value that you may be looking for, you trade it away for a better card.

The bottom line using the “checklist” and “sports card” tactic - they are two sides to the same coin. Each party is evaluating, pigeon holing, and using pre conceived notions to reach a final judgment that in most cases is not a true picture of a person. Time and joint experiences are the keys to really connecting with someone.

Too often we don’t let things happen naturally anymore. Women don’t give Men a chance because of prior issues or scars from earlier relationships. Guys don’t want to put in the effort or be chivalrous because they feel girls are just “playing games” or “manipulating them”. In the end I titled this post, how to lose a guy in 1 month, as this is the time it takes the truth to finally bubble up. It is around that mark when people start being real. So I have two simple requests for the readers of this blog and this post as I fully support and enjoy what “E” exposes regarding dating/relationships.

1. Women – Please give guys a chance, for once, open your MIND, let a guy in a bit, and don’t be so quick to judge
2. Men – go out of your way a bit, buy that drink for the girl, hold a door open, bring a flower, use your ears and listen, don’t be afraid to stand up, open your HEART, and treat a girl right.

Stay hungry -- CM

cleanse, detox, diet...oh my!

So for those of you who are friends with me "in real life", or even acquaintances on Facebook, this last week you have heard me gripe about the cleanse diet that I'm on right now.

Today marks day 7 of 10 (ish, depending upon some factors).

I'll answer some of the questions you may have, as others have asked me:

Why on earth did you decide to do this?
Without getting into details about my digestion/health/etc, I'll just share that about a month ago, for 10 days I had pain in my stomach after every meal. I tried to change foods to see what affected the pain, but I couldn't really figure it out.  My mom suggested I meet with a nutritionist/health coach to see if they had any ideas.  I don't tend to "go to the doctor" unless something is unbearable or really worrisome and try to approach my health with alternative means versus popping pills, so this seemed like a good first step to figuring out what was going on.

We first started to meet and we discussed my diet, exercise, overall health, etc.  The first thing she told me, which I tell my clients, is that breakfast is the most important meal of the day.  I know, I know.  Practice what you preach, E...but I have a hard time eating breakfast.  I typically start the day with milking a big coffee for much of the morning then around lunchtime I'm ready for, well, lunch.

She said no way Jose, eating breakfast (really anything) within the first hour of waking is the most healthy.  So for a week or two I started to work on eating breakfast.  Protein/healthy fat type of breakfasts (eggs) gave me the most energy and feeling of being full the longest...the trouble is, yogurt or a piece of toast is much quicker, but the sugar/carbs can make you crash.

Anyway back to what I'm supposed to be talking about - the cleanse.

My health coach/nutritionist every few months will do a cleanse diet that many of her clients will participate in at the same time.  She outlines what we can eat each day, what we can't and kind of motivates us through the 10 days.

THE GOAL of the cleanse is to detox your system, particularly your liver (sorry liver, realizing how much I abused you these last, say, 10 years) of harsh chemicals from foods we eat, drinking, smoking for people who smoke, medications, outside pollutants, etc.  It's a time to minimize what we put in our body to get rid of unwanted chemicals/toxins.  

In addition to this, I'm also using it to see if there are any foods/food groups (ie, the most likely are dairy, gluten) that I have sensitivities to.  Apparently when you have sensitivities to food, your body can be in a state of being constantly "inflamed" and fighting those foods, which makes it harder to lose weight despite lots of running, or feel tired despite lots of sleep (some of my complaints).

So it's all very hopeful that I'll be able to sort some of this stuff out.

What on earth does it entail?
Veggies.  I mean we're talking a lot of F-ing veggies.  Each day you move through the cleans you are eliminating different types of food and by day 5-7 it really just leaves you with leaves...yeah, leafy greens.

To start, however, during the ENTIRE 10 days you aren't supposed to have any: meat, caffeine, alcohol, refined/added sugar/processed sugar/honey/sweetner.  WHAT?  Yah, seriously this in itself is a detox.

Pretty quickly dairy and eggs are eliminated (after day 1), and soon after nuts (after day 3), then most fruits and then even some veggies have been cut out (after day 4) in order to be focusing on very concentrated green veggies that help to detox your system (and 3-4 protein drinks over the day to make sure that all the important nutrients are getting into your system).

You shouldn't ever been hungry on the diet, the goal is not to starve or anything.  The protein drinks are filling.  But it's hard with these middle days before we start adding foods back into our diets for the next 3-7 days to just eat bowls and bowls of kale, arugula, brussle sprouts, broccoli and cabbage without any sort of yummy sauces or what feels like a main course...

Again, why on earth did you decide to do this?
Honestly, I'm just sick of feeling "bleh".  I work hard to exercise pretty regularly and didn't notice a difference in my body or weight, I felt tired regardless of how much sleep I was getting and I was starting to have some stomach challenges (note: for those of you, women typically, who have stomach challenges - doctors commonly will diagnose you with IBS when they aren't sure what it really is...often times a change in diet, or a detox with supervision of a professional is something that significantly changes/illuminates the problem).

If something I can do may change this and I'll feel good, then I wanted to try it...and stomach issues are not something I'm a fan of, so let's figure this out.

What have you noticed so far?
Primarily?  How hard it is to resist eating foods that give me comfort, how hard it is to resist having a drink when I'm out being social, how hard it is not to snack on something, or much on something that isn't good for me when it is around me...How hard it is to not think about food.

It's actually been pretty tough emotionally.  I mean I knew I was tied to coffee, like really tied to coffee.  I had been drinking coffee daily since I got my license.  I mean you remember feeling cool walking into high school with a big ice coffee (extra, extra, so there was as little coffee in it as possible), that is how people knew that you drove to school.  Well since then my coffee love has matured (for iced, no sweetner typically and just a splash of half and half) and it became less about people seeing me drink coffee, to just really loving it.  I've said on more than one occasion it is the reason to get out of bed in the morning.

Also, there is food messaging, EVERYWHERE.  You can not drive down the high way, watch tv, go out with friends, talk to friends, go to the mall, stop in the store without a million images of fried, chemically made, tasty, bad for you food...literally everywhere.

It is amazing how much our culture is built on consuming, literally consuming.  I knew it before, but it has been so much more apparent this last week.

Physically I'm surprised I have as much energy as I do (don't tell my coach, she may resort me to decaf!).  Day 2 I had a crazy headache which made me go to bed around 9pm (early for me), due to caffeine withdrawal.  I've had a dull head ache since, which might be because I'm 'detoxing' and I feel a bit hungover at times which I think is also since I'm detoxing.

I've lost weight. Probably about 5lbs.  Aside from the actual weight I'm a bit thinner overall, and I mean that I can tell my body is holding less bloat, but like I mentioned about being "inflamed" I feel that I'm not as bulky, if that makes sense.

I miss foods emotionally which is surprising, but also I think I'll appreciate foods and feeling satisfied by food a lot more after this experience.

What are you craving?
Well I'm craving meat, more tasty foods, variety overall.  Not really much specifically right now.

If you had asked me a couple of days ago I would have said coffee, grilled cheese, steak and red wine.

The red wine still stands, I'd be cool with a glass (not at 9 in the am of course), but I think primarily at this point I'm just looking forward to adding things back in that I'll take anything, since the menu has been super limited the last few days.

That seems hard, how are you doing it?
Willpower I wasn't even aware of, frankly.  But it's not willpower alone. My mother is doing it, and there is a group of us doing it at the same time.  Not wanting to slip up and really only hurt myself in the end, is also a big motivator.  Also, not that the goal was to directly lose weight, and it's not been a ton, but feeling like it's making me healthier as a result has been motivating.

What has been tough is just lacking the desire to really eat more and more veggies. I'm just veggied out at this point.  I think that's the hardest part is just being bored with food.

But this presents an interesting thing.  Bored with food.  Food is to nourish us. Really that is the main goal.  So what does it matter if it's bland/same old same old...if I'm nourished why do I care what it is I'm eating?

Well I've been conditioned to seek out foods that taste good, that fill me up how I enjoy, that give me comfort, that are interesting in flavor and texture and combination, and we have all kind of learned in this society to seek that out.

Aren't you afraid that you'll find out that you can't have something you love?
Yes.  Absolutely.  I'm super afraid that some of my favorite things (coffee, cheese, bread, meat, beer, wine, spicy foods, etc), affect my health/mood/energy etc. negatively.

BUT if I know that reducing (or eliminating depending upon the severity of how I feel when I re-introduce the foods back in over the next week)  whatever I'm sensitive to, that I can feel better...If I can be healthier and I can lose a bit of weight, then I think ultimately that will trump enjoying a plate of pasta or a bowl of ice cream.

What is good is that there are many people before me who have allergies/sensitivities who have paved the way and sought out/made alternatives.  I've already introduced some of the alternatives to my diet (before the cleanse) like Jovial rice pasta for instance (one of the good brands out there you would not be able to tell the difference between regular penne and this penne)...

...and I'm not too worried now that I've already managed to eliminate EVERYTHING I like, I can live with out 1 or 2 things that I like.

****

I'm not sure if I'll return to all my old ways.  I think if I notice big changes over the next few days that are encouraging I might try and stay away from overeating the typical problem foods (gluten/dairy/tons of carbs/sugar).

I also think that I might just overall eat less and more balanced meals.  I think strict restrictions tend to make people over compensate and binge on foods that aren't good for them.  I'm not looking for a long term diet that is all about I can't eat this, I can't eat that, but I want to be more conscious about my food choices, and choose options that are healthier for my body in particular...a lifestyle change around food.

We'll see.  My mood/thoughts/feelings change a couple times over the course of the day around food.  Sometimes I feel frustrated or sad, sometimes I feel empowered and sometimes I just feel, well, good.

I'll keep you posted as I learn more.  If I do have to make long term dietary changes, I'll let you know what I find as good substitutes so you can implement them too, if you need to.

With Thanksgiving looming (Seriously, November when did this happen!?) and with all this talk about food, let's take a moment and remember that there are also many people in the world, even in this country and, in your town and probably even within a minute drive of you (and me) that don't have enough food, or enough healthy food.

Let's be thankful for what food we do have (even if it's all veggies and you can't imagine eating another piece of broccoli!!) and our overall health.

Until next time.
Veg-E