Many of my clients have similar areas that they have issues with.
Of course their diagnoses/symptoms/behaviors are all over the place from Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Bipolar, Adjustment, etc etc. which is often the primary goal of therapy to "help", however the other big themes are self esteem/self efficacy, lack of motivation/lack of self care and challenges with relationships.
Relationships are the biggest I think.
This is something that I think we can all identify with even if we are high functioning, aren't in counseling and don't carry a diagnosis.
The challenges I see most with my clients (since most of them are teens, but even with the adults) are surrounding family members, peers and intimate relationships. Okay so that's really the majority of relationships we have, but you get the idea.
-Family challenges range from sibling rivalry, poor parenting, challenging children's behaviors, absent family members, abuse/neglect, family dynamic challenges, divorce, adoption...just to name a few.
-The challenges with peers range from bullying, fighting, cruelty between friends, friends who are experiencing something bad and my client is trying to support them, rumors, feeling left out, being picked on, being popular but hating themselves, feeling not well liked, not having friends, and the ever changing landscape that is their friends as they grow/change/mature.
-The challenges with intimate relationships...well this is a big category. The issues range from not having relationships, to having many relationships, from falling in love to getting one's heart broken, cheating, lying, manipulating, abuse, marriage, pregnancy, raising children, fighting, vacations, financial struggles/issues, inequality in the relationship, and (my least favorite and often the most challenging because it includes many of the things in this list) the on and off again relationships.
**PLEASE NOTE: I don't always focus on what is going badly with my clients, I like to take a Positive Psychology spin and also focus on what is going well...for the purposes of this post I'm going to focus on the negative aspects of relationships, though I do feel in my heart of hearts that my clients are capable of having healthy relationships (with some direction/guidance and an increase in self esteem) and that there are relationships that are healthy and enjoyable...this is not me saying "down with relationships" but sharing with you some trends I've seen.**
Literally I have clients that are 14 and some in their 40's who are in these very similar on/off relationships. From one session to the next I don't know if they'll be together or not. I have to be careful not to be bold and say "leave this guy" or "she's not good enough for you" because the next week they are back in love (also because I probably shouldn't be saying that anyway...even if I think it).
I have a couple clients that I've been working with since June (so let's say 10-15 sessions) who are still in this on/off pattern. Some of them have children, some of them are pregnant, some of them are freshman in high school and haven't had other relationships to know better...and some of them, well I think they like the drama of it. I also think that these are hard relationships to end since they are so used to this person in and out of their lives that they assume it will come back around again, even subconsciously. These are often long and drawn out relationships so their partner has also been in their lives a long time, been with them through tough times, and consumed their lives/energy/thoughts for, well, frankly, too long.
It's also hard to end relationships even when you KNOW it's not good for you. I can't tell you how many people have said "I know we're not good together, I know Soandso isn't who I'm going to end up with". Yet you check back and they're still doing the same go around.
I think that there is something about relationships that are on/off that, to me, just drips with immaturity. The push/pull and the roller coaster is something that makes sense for my freshman in high school clients, and not so much for my clients in their mid 40's.
Don't you desire some consistency? Don't you have the need to be with someone you aren't always questioning if they'll be there for you the next day? What does it mean for you to be alone and single? Why is that so scary to you? Don't you know you DESERVE better? Typically no, they don't know they deserve better, or they assume they wouldn't find it.
Often times I see people staying in relationships because they fear being alone, or fear that they wont find someone else. This is understandable, it can be scary.
Sometimes we feel having something is better than nothing, even if that something is bad for us, or just isn't right for us. I had someone recently say "I'm just not good at being alone", but I bet they would be. I bet they'd take better care of themselves, I bet they'd ultimately be happier and in a better place to attract a healthier relationship to them.
I mean clearly relationships that are "consistent" aren't always good either...they can be consistently bad, but the relationships that everyone responds to "here we go again" or "you'll get back together, you always do" (and I know you all know someone, or yourself even, who are in these relationships) are of the worst around.
There is something so emotionally taxing about this up/down yes/no (thank you Katy Perry) that I think, each break up is the web getting more complicated and harder to pull away from. Each time is an opportunity in someone's mind to say I'll show everyone they were wrong about this relationship, this time will be different, maybe they have changed, they promised things will be different.
Okay to be fair, I'm sure sometimes these relationships work out (with some good couples counseling, maybe a real solid break and working on themselves and coming back and working to change old habits) but in my personal life (friends/family) and in my clinical life I have not seen this pan out.
Facebook has been helpful in identifying these relationships for us. You will see on your feed (just saw one today) where it goes from "in a relationship" to "single" to "in a relationship" to "engaged" to "single"...or some variation of this...in the matter of weeks/months. You'll also see people comment on the relationship change "again?" "wait I thought things were going well" "don't worry, you guys will figure it out" or my favorite "finally, is this for good this time?".
I don't think that the perfect relationship means you've never broken up, or that you haven't endured some challenge, or that something hasn't been done by one of the partners that was unforgivable when it happened but they've worked through it. In fact if you look at strong and good relationships often there was some sort of conflict that they overcame together. HOWEVER, if the basis of the relationship is built on conflict, or arguments leading to break ups and make ups then this is a long road...those patterns don't change themselves.
These are also the most annoying relationships for our friends and family. Our friends and family can see that this situation is stuck on repeat and that it's really hard to get out of it. People get frustrated when they give you advice every time, and you keep going back and doing the same thing. These are the relationships where they cab end up being alienated by their friends and feel like this person they are in a relationship with is all they have...this further strengthens the web.
I don't think anyone goes into a relationship looking for this type of dynamic, I think that sometimes relationships start on track and then keep slipping off track. Instead of keeping it around for the sake of it, I think we're all better served (as those in the relationship and as the supporters of those in the relationship) if we take a step back and say "what am I getting out of this?" "are these patterns changing?" "what can I do to change the patterns?" "am I willing to see if this time is different?" etc etc.
I hope that you are in a happy, healthy, mutual, mature and loving relationship.
If you're in one of these roller coaster relationships, I hope that you take the opportunity to step back and take a look at it. In 2 years do you still want to be fighting the same battles? In 10 years do you want to be starting over? Or are you more apt to be successful in love if you start over now? Starting over may be scary, because it's unknown, but when we pick something scarier because it's known...we already know the outcome, we aren't being true to self, and we're really just screwing ourselves in the long run.
If you aren't in a relationship, I hope you find someone who appreciates you for who you are, encourages you to be your potential, is a support to you, you are a support to them, and that you can argue in a healthy way (I swear, this is important).
We are remiss if we don't question something when it keeps shaking us as an attempt to get us to pay attention to it. Einstein was a pretty smart guy, he may have failed math but he said that insanity is when we do the same thing over and over and expect different results...and man, I think he was onto something.
Until next time,
E
Of course their diagnoses/symptoms/behaviors are all over the place from Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Bipolar, Adjustment, etc etc. which is often the primary goal of therapy to "help", however the other big themes are self esteem/self efficacy, lack of motivation/lack of self care and challenges with relationships.
Relationships are the biggest I think.
This is something that I think we can all identify with even if we are high functioning, aren't in counseling and don't carry a diagnosis.
The challenges I see most with my clients (since most of them are teens, but even with the adults) are surrounding family members, peers and intimate relationships. Okay so that's really the majority of relationships we have, but you get the idea.
-Family challenges range from sibling rivalry, poor parenting, challenging children's behaviors, absent family members, abuse/neglect, family dynamic challenges, divorce, adoption...just to name a few.
-The challenges with peers range from bullying, fighting, cruelty between friends, friends who are experiencing something bad and my client is trying to support them, rumors, feeling left out, being picked on, being popular but hating themselves, feeling not well liked, not having friends, and the ever changing landscape that is their friends as they grow/change/mature.
-The challenges with intimate relationships...well this is a big category. The issues range from not having relationships, to having many relationships, from falling in love to getting one's heart broken, cheating, lying, manipulating, abuse, marriage, pregnancy, raising children, fighting, vacations, financial struggles/issues, inequality in the relationship, and (my least favorite and often the most challenging because it includes many of the things in this list) the on and off again relationships.
**PLEASE NOTE: I don't always focus on what is going badly with my clients, I like to take a Positive Psychology spin and also focus on what is going well...for the purposes of this post I'm going to focus on the negative aspects of relationships, though I do feel in my heart of hearts that my clients are capable of having healthy relationships (with some direction/guidance and an increase in self esteem) and that there are relationships that are healthy and enjoyable...this is not me saying "down with relationships" but sharing with you some trends I've seen.**
Literally I have clients that are 14 and some in their 40's who are in these very similar on/off relationships. From one session to the next I don't know if they'll be together or not. I have to be careful not to be bold and say "leave this guy" or "she's not good enough for you" because the next week they are back in love (also because I probably shouldn't be saying that anyway...even if I think it).
I have a couple clients that I've been working with since June (so let's say 10-15 sessions) who are still in this on/off pattern. Some of them have children, some of them are pregnant, some of them are freshman in high school and haven't had other relationships to know better...and some of them, well I think they like the drama of it. I also think that these are hard relationships to end since they are so used to this person in and out of their lives that they assume it will come back around again, even subconsciously. These are often long and drawn out relationships so their partner has also been in their lives a long time, been with them through tough times, and consumed their lives/energy/thoughts for, well, frankly, too long.
It's also hard to end relationships even when you KNOW it's not good for you. I can't tell you how many people have said "I know we're not good together, I know Soandso isn't who I'm going to end up with". Yet you check back and they're still doing the same go around.
I think that there is something about relationships that are on/off that, to me, just drips with immaturity. The push/pull and the roller coaster is something that makes sense for my freshman in high school clients, and not so much for my clients in their mid 40's.
Don't you desire some consistency? Don't you have the need to be with someone you aren't always questioning if they'll be there for you the next day? What does it mean for you to be alone and single? Why is that so scary to you? Don't you know you DESERVE better? Typically no, they don't know they deserve better, or they assume they wouldn't find it.
Often times I see people staying in relationships because they fear being alone, or fear that they wont find someone else. This is understandable, it can be scary.
Sometimes we feel having something is better than nothing, even if that something is bad for us, or just isn't right for us. I had someone recently say "I'm just not good at being alone", but I bet they would be. I bet they'd take better care of themselves, I bet they'd ultimately be happier and in a better place to attract a healthier relationship to them.
I mean clearly relationships that are "consistent" aren't always good either...they can be consistently bad, but the relationships that everyone responds to "here we go again" or "you'll get back together, you always do" (and I know you all know someone, or yourself even, who are in these relationships) are of the worst around.
There is something so emotionally taxing about this up/down yes/no (thank you Katy Perry) that I think, each break up is the web getting more complicated and harder to pull away from. Each time is an opportunity in someone's mind to say I'll show everyone they were wrong about this relationship, this time will be different, maybe they have changed, they promised things will be different.
Okay to be fair, I'm sure sometimes these relationships work out (with some good couples counseling, maybe a real solid break and working on themselves and coming back and working to change old habits) but in my personal life (friends/family) and in my clinical life I have not seen this pan out.
Facebook has been helpful in identifying these relationships for us. You will see on your feed (just saw one today) where it goes from "in a relationship" to "single" to "in a relationship" to "engaged" to "single"...or some variation of this...in the matter of weeks/months. You'll also see people comment on the relationship change "again?" "wait I thought things were going well" "don't worry, you guys will figure it out" or my favorite "finally, is this for good this time?".
I don't think that the perfect relationship means you've never broken up, or that you haven't endured some challenge, or that something hasn't been done by one of the partners that was unforgivable when it happened but they've worked through it. In fact if you look at strong and good relationships often there was some sort of conflict that they overcame together. HOWEVER, if the basis of the relationship is built on conflict, or arguments leading to break ups and make ups then this is a long road...those patterns don't change themselves.
These are also the most annoying relationships for our friends and family. Our friends and family can see that this situation is stuck on repeat and that it's really hard to get out of it. People get frustrated when they give you advice every time, and you keep going back and doing the same thing. These are the relationships where they cab end up being alienated by their friends and feel like this person they are in a relationship with is all they have...this further strengthens the web.
I don't think anyone goes into a relationship looking for this type of dynamic, I think that sometimes relationships start on track and then keep slipping off track. Instead of keeping it around for the sake of it, I think we're all better served (as those in the relationship and as the supporters of those in the relationship) if we take a step back and say "what am I getting out of this?" "are these patterns changing?" "what can I do to change the patterns?" "am I willing to see if this time is different?" etc etc.
I hope that you are in a happy, healthy, mutual, mature and loving relationship.
If you're in one of these roller coaster relationships, I hope that you take the opportunity to step back and take a look at it. In 2 years do you still want to be fighting the same battles? In 10 years do you want to be starting over? Or are you more apt to be successful in love if you start over now? Starting over may be scary, because it's unknown, but when we pick something scarier because it's known...we already know the outcome, we aren't being true to self, and we're really just screwing ourselves in the long run.
If you aren't in a relationship, I hope you find someone who appreciates you for who you are, encourages you to be your potential, is a support to you, you are a support to them, and that you can argue in a healthy way (I swear, this is important).
We are remiss if we don't question something when it keeps shaking us as an attempt to get us to pay attention to it. Einstein was a pretty smart guy, he may have failed math but he said that insanity is when we do the same thing over and over and expect different results...and man, I think he was onto something.
Until next time,
E
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