8 possible barriers to being dateable

I read this quick article "8 Reasons Why You Aren't Married" posted by a relationship blogger lady that I follow from time to time, and it got my gears going.

I also, happened to read it after another string of unsuccessful first/second dates, how timely.

Shit.

Looks like I have a lot of things I need to work on, and here I was thinking I was pretty great.

Well I know I'm pretty great, but maybe that is part of the problem?

I have, 12 years to get this shit in order or I'll be another 40 year old without a hubby. 

Granted I’m not ready to be married now, and I’m not in a rush, per se…but hopefully it doesn’t take those 12 years.

Either way this points out some things that I, and maybe you, could wrestle with.  Jello wrestling with it might make it more fun.

Frankly, I'm not really willing to give all of these attributes up, or change who I am, but I do realize that some of these things makes me hard to please or hard to be in a relationship with…so they might be worth toning down or revaluating.

The article lays out the following 8 barriers (it's like they know me).

1. Sort of shallow
2. Sort of bitchy
3. Too independent
4. Too easy
5. Overly self-focused
6. Lack of honesty with self
7. Super hero busy
8. Not good enough

Let’s explore.

1. Sort of shallow:

I totally agree that you need to love a man for his character, I’d much rather be with someone who has a great character than is just pretty.  BUT.  With online dating being like window shopping, and a list of qualities (like the list that Connor Mead talked about), it’s really hard to get their character fully…but you can see their face…and their height.  PLUS I have to be attracted to the guy, just like I’d want him to be attracted to me. I mean I think sexual chemistry is an important part of a long term relationship. I don’t think the guy has to be objectively gorgeous but I want to find him attractive.  So this is a tough one.  However, if I meet a guy in the wild, and we get to know each other more naturally, I think I’m probably much less shallow than I am online.  I wonder how I can shift that.  I’ve noticed actually in the last week or so (I just re-joined Match.com, worst timing ever when I’m super busy and don’t have time for a date, but whatever), that I’ve been talking to guys who are not as “typical” to me in terms of their careers/jobs, location, background, whatever.  So maybe I’m loosening my grip on the “stats” already.

2.  Sort of bitchy:

Eek.  Define bitchy.  No, don’t. I know I can be bitchy.  “McMillan points out that you probably don’t think of yourself this way because you’ve been to therapy or you’re really smart. Either way, men prefer to marry women they can easily get along with and who tend to be nice. Your anger scares men away whether you admit it or not.” Does that include BEING a therapist AND really smart?  Hmm damn.  Well I know that I have a lifetime of anger, that I’ve been working on…and maybe it is really time to let go some of the anger, jealousy, frustration, whatever that sometimes creeps up.  Being more easy going and and easy to get along with in general would be good.  But “nice” doesn’t mean anything to me…friendly, warm, open, now that is better than “nice”.  I think I have those qualities but maybe they are overshadowed by my harshness/abruptness sometimes.  I don’t want to be fake, but point taken.

3. Too independent:

I’ve heard this one before.  Men need to feel needed.  I think it is very possible I come of not needing a man, because I don’t actually need one.  I like my independence a lot, but I do realize that I have filled up my time, and life space with work, friends, activities, and it will actually take some work to fit a guy into my life…See number 7.  Part of me also wants to find a guy who likes my independence, but when I think about it, do I want a guy who is so independent that it’s no different if I’m in his life or not?  For instance, even in my long term relationship, when we split up, the only thing I “lost” in the split was a couple beach towels/chairs in his car, I had a pair of his boxers at my place, I took down some pictures, deleted a few off Facebook, and that was it.  Maybe we were too independent and our lives weren’t intertwined enough for it to last, or feel worth working on.  So I wonder what I can do to work on my independence.  I’m not willing to be a damsel in distress, but opening my schedule up, asking for help when I need things versus muscling through and doing them myself, maybe there are other things? Guys/girls let me know your thoughts on this one.

4.  Too easy:

Ugh.  Just after I post about one night stands.  Although as I said there, it is not a good way to land a serious relationship (in most cases).  But the too easy thing.  How easy are we talking here?  No but I do agree with the writer on this one, and I feel like it aligns with both my posts about one night stands and friends with benefits.  Get your sugar but don’t expect great results.

5.  Overly self-focused:

You mean like having a blog about yourself?  Yikes.  Hmm maybe I should start posting about things other than myself.  What else can I do that isn’t self focused?  I spend my whole day focusing on my clients and their lives…but what about in my spare (HA) time?  Volunteering, maybe even getting “back” into painting…yah that would be for me, but I wouldn’t be in my head about me, I’d be being creative…or reading about others…maybe some good autobiographies.  Thoughts/suggestions on good reads?

6.  Lack of honesty - the key is with one's self. 

I'm very honest outwardly but maybe I need some help with looking at myself frankly...I’m not sure.  I know my quirks and flaws…and I know my areas of weakness fairly well.  I do really think it’s important to be honest about what you’re looking for when you first start dating someone.  There was this really cute guy online who was like “I’m not looking for a serious thing right now”, and for a day or two I entertained the idea…”maybe I can change his mind” is sometimes how we think…but ladies, we know we can’t.  So I didn’t even end up meeting him because I told him I was looking for something more serious and that I don’t plan on working hard to change someone’s mind.  Didn’t hear back from him…maybe I was too honest.  Anyway, NEXT.

 

7.  Super hero busy:

GUILTY.  My friends can attest to this...My work schedule is all over the place, and I have to schedule friends ahead of time just to see everyone here and there. I know that sounds like bragging, and I'm so thankful for my friends, but it's true, different friend circles require more time management skills.  I rarely have a night off socially, but then when I do I feel, well, lonely and bored.  So I tend to keep my nights packed full…I guess I need to be okay with more alone time, so there is room for going on dates, dating a guy even.

8.  Not good enough:

Maybe deep down this is true.  Maybe deep down because both my father figures left that I feel that I’m not good enough or worthy of a good relationship.  I don’t know if this is true, but it’s possible.  There is a part of me that feels “I deserve” a good healthy relationship because of “all I’ve been through” but that is maybe to compensate for my subconscious.  Hmm, food for thought.  I do know that I’m great in a lot of ways, and while (clearly) there are some things to look at, or work on, but I know I’m a good person, with a good head on my shoulders, and I am good enough for someone to fall in love with me (where it’s mutual).  

Or maybe I’m just too awesome.  Yah, maybe that’s it. :)

Haha.   

I’m sharing this with you in the hopes of unlocking something in me that shifts how I present myself enough that I’m more accessible to guys, but maintains who I am and my values of self and goals, etc.  Maybe something to think about for you if you’re single and wondering why.

The other thing is, it could also be timing.  I think not beating yourself up about these things is key because we are who we are, and someone should love us for who we are.  So maybe it’s working on being patient and not worrying about what timelines others are on, or what timeline we wish we were on.

Until next time,

E

Friends With Benefits

You all remember those analogies in various standardized tests, right?

Friends : Sex ::  

a) Penut Butter : Fluff

b) Money : Charity

c) Oil : Water

d) Dinner and Drinks : First Date

Obviously C.  The answer is always C. 

The takeaway is that they they don't (or maybe more accurately - shouldn't) mix.

Why are you bringing this up, E? I was happy in my life daydreaming about knocking boots with my hot friend.

Well, today Paige Parker (a blogger I follow) brought it up.  She writes a lot about dating on her blog/site called Dating Without Drama.

She posted a short article written by a man on his take on friends with benefits (FWB) and I thought it was a good topic to share my thoughts around, with y'all...and plus when I tell you things here (my blog) it keeps me in check here (my life).

In brief (though it was an already succinct post), he pointed out that while it sounds logical...we are good friends, we'd both like to get laid, so why not? it's just generally not a good idea.  What he says is ultimately one develops feelings for the other due to repeated intimacy and then results typically in someone getting hurt.

He points out that what is likely a better alternative is acquaintances with benefits (if you use the aquaintances listing option on facebook, this might be an easy way to scout out your next f.buddy). 

The tough part is that acquaintances with benefits or AWB, takes away from the instant comfort level that closer friends might afford you...and really I'm not sure how to navigate this other than to reach out to an aquaintance who you don't know well and say..."Hey, I've been thinking...".  I mean you might as well seem like less of a sleeze and ask that person out on a date.

I think the first part of what he said is true, though.  

It would be hard to imagine having meaningless sex when you a) actually care about the other person b) like them as person enough to be their friend and c) (it's always c) find them attractive enough to get naked with them.  

I'm sure some are better than others about not letting the sexcapades invade the friendship, but for the most part it is almost unavoidable that someone will pump the breaks and the other might want to hit cruise control...or speed up for that matter.

The man in the post makes the following and most important point:  If there is part of you hoping that the FWB will turn into a relationship, you will likely be disappointed.  It's important to know that if it was going to turn into a relationship, it already would have.  

A relationship would have developed over time if the key ingredients were there (chemistry, a good match, timing, both interested/willing) versus simply because you're saying "hey, you're single and great, I'm single and great...I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine".

Mila and Justin being friends

I never saw the movie Friends With Benefits, though my grandmother (ha, seriously) said it was cute and I'd like it if I "like racy and fun movies". 

Which I do.  I likely will see it now that I'm posting this.

I'm assuming, that these friends in the movie who hook up, end up falling in love (thank you obvious Hollywood movies - maybe I don't need to see it, or I'll watch it on mute just to see if I can catch a glimpse of Justin's ass or something). 

I don't think that friends with benefits typically pan out in real life, at least not for long. It's likely it will turn out like some of the people in Jurassic Park (like the guy who plays Newman from Sienfeld - I'm pretty sure he was eaten by a T-Rex or the raptors - God, how good is the raptor in the kitchen scene? Still so intense when I think about it like 15 years later).  

Or if the friendship doesn't crash and burn completely it may forever be scared or mangled or complicated like the dorky kid gone off the deep end to become a villain in The Incredibles (which was on last night...PS - how amazing is  Edna Mode's character?).

someone else's breakdown of FWB

I'm not saying in the moment it's not fun or that it isn't possible that it could work, or even that it could work out...but I think overall when I'm thinking about it with a clear and sober mind it's best to be avoided.

Also, I think this is slightly different than a drunken one time thing.  

I know of a lot of situations where friends can be drunk and misinterpret this drunkeness for a real connection...one thing leads to another and the morning comes and it's like "woops".  

This is far less damaging generally than repeated encounters, however, it's true that the physical connection may cause ripples for a while, and even again when each of those people moves onto other relationships.

So where does this leave single people who have a healthy sexual appetite and don't want to continue, or start, a string of one-night stands?  

Well, for this I actually don't have much of a suggestion as I'm not an expert on navigating this gray area despite some years of...err...research.  

My guess is patience, exercise, cold showers and maybe a brief stint with religion could do the trick...or at least find some good looking and willing acquaintances. 

Well, at least I've got exercise.

Until next time,

E (with benefits)

PS. Please share (anonymously if you'd prefer) what your FWB experience has been...successful? "no strings attached"? Let me know!

break up to make up? roller coaster relationship habits die hard

Many of my clients have similar areas that they have issues with.

Of course their diagnoses/symptoms/behaviors are all over the place from Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Bipolar, Adjustment, etc etc. which is often the primary goal of therapy to "help", however the other big themes are self esteem/self efficacy, lack of motivation/lack of self care and challenges with relationships.

Relationships are the biggest I think.

This is something that I think we can all identify with even if we are high functioning, aren't in counseling and don't carry a diagnosis.

The challenges I see most with my clients (since most of them are teens, but even with the adults) are surrounding family members, peers and intimate relationships.  Okay so that's really the majority of relationships we have, but you get the idea.

-Family challenges range from sibling rivalry, poor parenting, challenging children's behaviors, absent family members, abuse/neglect, family dynamic challenges, divorce, adoption...just to name a few.

-The challenges with peers range from bullying, fighting, cruelty between friends, friends who are experiencing something bad and my client is trying to support them, rumors, feeling left out, being picked on, being popular but hating themselves, feeling not well liked, not having friends, and the ever changing landscape that is their friends as they grow/change/mature.

-The challenges with intimate relationships...well this is a big category.  The issues range from not having relationships, to having many relationships, from falling in love to getting one's heart broken, cheating, lying, manipulating, abuse, marriage, pregnancy, raising children, fighting, vacations, financial struggles/issues, inequality in the relationship, and (my least favorite and often the most challenging because it includes many of the things in this list) the on and off again relationships.

**PLEASE NOTE:  I don't always focus on what is going badly with my clients, I like to take a Positive Psychology spin and also focus on what is going well...for the purposes of this post I'm going to focus on the negative aspects of relationships, though I do feel in my heart of hearts that my clients are capable of having healthy relationships (with some direction/guidance and an increase in self esteem) and that there are relationships that are healthy and enjoyable...this is not me saying "down with relationships" but sharing with you some trends I've seen.**

Literally I have clients that are 14 and some in their 40's who are in these very similar on/off relationships.  From one session to the next I don't know if they'll be together or not.  I have to be careful not to be bold and say "leave this guy" or "she's not good enough for you" because the next week they are back in love (also because I probably shouldn't be saying that anyway...even if I think it).

I have a couple clients that I've been working with since June (so let's say 10-15 sessions) who are still in this on/off pattern.  Some of them have children, some of them are pregnant, some of them are freshman in high school and haven't had other relationships to know better...and some of them, well I think they like the drama of it.  I also think that these are hard relationships to end since they are so used to this person in and out of their lives that they assume it will come back around again, even subconsciously.  These are often long and drawn out relationships so their partner has also been in their lives a long time, been with them through tough times, and consumed their lives/energy/thoughts for, well, frankly, too long.

It's also hard to end relationships even when you KNOW it's not good for you.  I can't tell you how many people have said "I know we're not good together, I know Soandso isn't who I'm going to end up with".  Yet you check back and they're still doing the same go around.

I think that there is something about relationships that are on/off that, to me, just drips with immaturity.  The push/pull and the roller coaster is something that makes sense for my freshman in high school clients, and not so much for my clients in their mid 40's. 

Don't you desire some consistency? Don't you have the need to be with someone you aren't always questioning if they'll be there for you the next day?  What does it mean for you to be alone and single? Why is that so scary to you?  Don't you know you DESERVE better?   Typically no, they don't know they deserve better, or they assume they wouldn't find it.

Often times I see people staying in relationships because they fear being alone, or fear that they wont find someone else. This is understandable, it can be scary. 

Sometimes we feel having something is better than nothing, even if that something is bad for us, or just isn't right for us.  I had someone recently say "I'm just not good at being alone", but I bet they would be.  I bet they'd take better care of themselves, I bet they'd ultimately be happier and in a better place to attract a healthier relationship to them.

I mean clearly relationships that are "consistent" aren't always good either...they can be consistently bad, but the relationships that everyone responds to "here we go again" or "you'll get back together, you always do" (and I know you all know someone, or yourself even, who are in these relationships) are of the worst around.

There is something so emotionally taxing about this up/down yes/no (thank you Katy Perry) that I think, each break up is the web getting more complicated and harder to pull away from.  Each time is an opportunity in someone's mind to say I'll show everyone they were wrong about this relationship, this time will be different, maybe they have changed, they promised things will be different.

Okay to be fair, I'm sure sometimes these relationships work out (with some good couples counseling, maybe a real solid break and working on themselves and coming back and working to change old habits) but in my personal life (friends/family) and in my clinical life I have not seen this pan out.

Facebook has been helpful in identifying these relationships for us.  You will see on your feed (just saw one today) where it goes from "in a relationship" to "single" to "in a relationship" to "engaged" to "single"...or some variation of this...in the matter of weeks/months.  You'll also see people comment on the relationship change "again?" "wait I thought things were going well" "don't worry, you guys will figure it out" or my favorite "finally, is this for good this time?". 

I don't think that the perfect relationship means you've never broken up, or that you haven't endured some challenge, or that something hasn't been done by one of the partners that was unforgivable when it happened but they've worked through it.  In fact if you look at strong and good relationships often there was some sort of conflict that they overcame together.  HOWEVER, if the basis of the relationship is built on conflict, or arguments leading to break ups and make ups then this is a long road...those patterns don't change themselves.

These are also the most annoying relationships for our friends and family.  Our friends and family can see that this situation is stuck on repeat and that it's really hard to get out of it.  People get frustrated when they give you advice every time, and you keep going back and doing the same thing.  These are the relationships where they cab end up being alienated by their friends and feel like this person they are in a relationship with is all they have...this further strengthens the web.

I don't think anyone goes into a relationship looking for this type of dynamic, I think that sometimes relationships start on track and then keep slipping off track.  Instead of keeping it around for the sake of it, I think we're all better served (as those in the relationship and as the supporters of those in the relationship) if we take a step back and say "what am I getting out of this?"  "are these patterns changing?"  "what can I do to change the patterns?" "am I willing to see if this time is different?"  etc etc.
I hope that you are in a happy, healthy, mutual, mature and loving relationship.

If you're in one of these roller coaster relationships, I hope that you take the opportunity to step back and take a look at it.  In 2 years do you still want to be fighting the same battles?  In 10 years do you want to be starting over? Or are you more apt to be successful in love if you start over now?  Starting over may be scary, because it's unknown, but when we pick something scarier because it's known...we already know the outcome, we aren't being true to self, and we're really just screwing ourselves in the long run.

If you aren't in a relationship, I hope you find someone who appreciates you for who you are, encourages you to be your potential, is a support to you, you are a support to them, and that you can argue in a healthy way (I swear, this is important).

We are remiss if we don't question something when it keeps shaking us as an attempt to get us to pay attention to it.  Einstein was a pretty smart guy, he may have failed math but he said that insanity is when we do the same thing over and over and expect different results...and man, I think he was onto something.

Until next time,
E

GUEST BLOGGER: Connor Mead: How to lose a guy in 1 month.

So ask and you shall receive.  What are guys thinking when you are dating them? How are guys evaluating you, ladies?  

Here is some inside scoop from a friend of mine, let's call him...Connor Mead.  

Connor has been so kind to give us a brief and helpful look inside the mind of a very capable, hard working, successful introspective, attractive, energetic, intelligent (and yes, he's real, good guys are not extinct) single 20 something guy...and compare it a bit to us ladies.  (Connor might say that was a rundown of my checklist, perhaps. Read on to hear more.)

I felt that giving another voice here would be helpful, and since we've chatted many times about our dating lives (and lack of, at times), I figured why not share him with y'all.  

I hope you enjoy another perspective.  Feedback and comments (as usual) are more than welcomed, and if all goes well, maybe we'll have Mr. Mead visit from time to time for some male perspective. :)


My take away from this post is, that if you're still looking for that special someone, it's time to stop being so ridged with our criteria, and start being open to what type of relationship we want, versus just peoples' stats.

Without further ado:

Until next time,

E

****

Hello! My name is Mr. Connor Mead. I am a 20 something guy enjoying all that my lovely city has to offer. I have been in all the situations people our age utilize to meet someone of the opposite sex: bars, friend’s parties, family setup, blind dates, office romances, online dating, random places like the super market, and all have provided great experiences and stories.  After a few convo’s with “E”, I thought why not offer the guys perspective on at least one aspect of this crazy dating world many of us find ourselves in. 


Currently, as a self diagnosed “nice guy who finishes last” I feel the hardest part I have been finding in navigating the dating scene is not meeting a woman’s “checklist” criteria. What is “checklisting” you say? Every girl has a complex algorithm of categorizing and critiquing a guy that makes launching a man into space look easy. This “checklist” is a rating that they put on every aspect of a man, weather they realize it or not. Sometimes it is as simple as how he looks, sometimes it is as complex as “I can’t put my finger on it but he just doesn’t seem to have enough edge.” Men are asked a million questions with everything from tone to how we hold a fork being evaluated. We are forced into non- traditional channels like texts that involve emoticons. Our FB profiles are combed to understand what we looked like in 2003. OK, I know I am being a bit over the top, but you get the idea, a woman wants to know everything thing about us as fast as possible to make a quick decision about how worthy of their time we are.

Now before you think I am placing all the blame on woman. Men, just as much as woman, have their own methodologies on dating. Men look at woman like sports cards. Everyone woman has stats that form her “Sports Card.” When I meet with my friends (both guys and girls) and I tell them about a new girl. I read her stats off right away. Where is she from, what does she do, what does she look like, family setup, interests, noteworthy moments in her life, and so on. Every nugget of our conversation and interaction is put into a category on a mental “sports card” that describes who she is. Men do this so they can compare cards to each other, both in their own collection and to other guys. You always want to be the best, have the best, and show off that you have it. And when that card no longer seems to hold the value that you may be looking for, you trade it away for a better card.

The bottom line using the “checklist” and “sports card” tactic - they are two sides to the same coin. Each party is evaluating, pigeon holing, and using pre conceived notions to reach a final judgment that in most cases is not a true picture of a person. Time and joint experiences are the keys to really connecting with someone.

Too often we don’t let things happen naturally anymore. Women don’t give Men a chance because of prior issues or scars from earlier relationships. Guys don’t want to put in the effort or be chivalrous because they feel girls are just “playing games” or “manipulating them”. In the end I titled this post, how to lose a guy in 1 month, as this is the time it takes the truth to finally bubble up. It is around that mark when people start being real. So I have two simple requests for the readers of this blog and this post as I fully support and enjoy what “E” exposes regarding dating/relationships.

1. Women – Please give guys a chance, for once, open your MIND, let a guy in a bit, and don’t be so quick to judge
2. Men – go out of your way a bit, buy that drink for the girl, hold a door open, bring a flower, use your ears and listen, don’t be afraid to stand up, open your HEART, and treat a girl right.

Stay hungry -- CM

looks like a duck, quacks like a duck

So without getting into details to avoid rehashing a crappy situation I'll just say that the guy I was "seeing" (or whatever you call it these days), apparently isn't interested in it anymore.

It's pretty crappy that a guy and girl can really hit it off, have chemistry, things in common, laugh a lot, have fun together...things go well for a while and then poof.  He's managed to just trail off with communication, started to flake on dates and then now, I think it's clear there is nothing.

So when this happens what do you (I) do?

You question what you did, if anything, to make this change.  You question why he doesn't like you or doesn't feel connected anymore, you question what's wrong with you, what's wrong with him.  You wonder if maybe he met someone else, or if there is something wrong in his life that he's just not in a place to communicate.  You make excuses for him, then you get angry at the situation, you decide it's not worth it, but then you check your phone again just to see if maybe he texted.

I feel pretty confident that the last few weeks of an exciting beginning culminated in a guy just not following through.  Of course it's not like I was convinced this was "the guy" yet, but I knew I wanted to see him again, and I wanted to get to know him more.  I had some hope that it could be something.  So yah, I'm disappointed.  I'm confused.  I can't help but wonder what happened.

It is hard not to feel hopeless about finding someone, sitting with feeling rejected, or thinking that it reflects badly on me... but these things happen. Not everyone is going to be a good match, even when they seem like they might be.

Even when something looks like a duck, quacks like a duck...

...sometimes it's actually a goose.  

So, I'm getting right back on the horse as they say.  Not wasting any time on something that isn't going anywhere...I don't want to miss something else that might present itself in the mean time.

Who knows what will happen.

Part of me wants to say maybe he'll come around, but even being hopeful for that makes me feel like crap. I don't want to be with someone (again) who will turn that quickly and decide that I'm not worth the time or decency to follow through or at the very least a give a simple explanation.

So, I take it back.  Now I'm looking for bigger (taller, at the very least) and better.

Until next time,

E