anger management

I got in a fight this morning with my mom. 

 

Yes I'm an adult, and no I'm not proud of the fact that I reacted like a 15 year old.

 

As most of you know, I live with my mom right now as I transition back to the real world again post-masters, and while it's typically easy going and I feel lucky that I have the option to shack up rent free there with my mom (who is very cool and great to be around, my friends can attest to this), some of the time I want to pull my hair out. 

 

I'm beyond ready to live back on my own as is age/developmentally appropriate, but I have to wait just a bit longer - financially speaking.

 

So that "some of the time" was this morning. 

 

I had made breakfast, put my dishes in the sink since a few other dishes were in there (so I just assumed the dishwasher was clean and I didn't have time to empty it before I left for work).  From down the hall my mom said "The dishwasher isn't clean you could have put your dishes in there".

 

Okay so that is litterally what she said.

What I heard was more "I'm sick of telling you to put your dishes in the dishwasher, you don't empty it enough, you don't help out around the house enough, you're not pulling your weight, you aren't appreciative enough that I let you live here and this is my house and you should be doing this without me asking". 

 

It IS possible that there was some of that tone, I know my  mom well enough to know that maybe there were some of those brief flashes of thought, but really she was technically just letting me know that the dishwasher wasn't clean and I could have put my dish in it versus the sink (which I would have if there weren't dishes in the sink already).

 

What I should have said was "Okay, I didn't know, I'll do it later" (or in a minute, which might have been best) but immediately I got defensive.

 

With a raised voice and some profanities...I was clearly angry.  I'm thinking "I help out a lot, I do things for my mom, we just finished a holiday weekend where I bought her some nice things that I had hoped showed my appreciation more than just my millions of "thank you's" that I give her, I help out when I can, I'm not a kid, I don't need a chore chart, what the hell she doesn't even notice I help out, she thinks I'm not appreiciative, she doesn't appreciate ME, I wouldn't have to answer to anyone if I lived on my own, I should be living on my own, why is she treating me like a kid, I'm not a kid (did I say that already?)".  

So we argued.  Back and forth a little.  I'd say we probably both said things that weren't appropriate for two adults who are normally level-headed...but this shit happens with parents and children...even if the children are adults.

 

Anyway, you get the point.  Many layers, combined with the fact that I hate dishes and the dishwasher (an ongoing joke in my household growing up is that once my kids can walk they are emptying the dishwasher), and that I was getting ready for work, I was a bit tired from being out late last night, and feeling a bit punchy. 

 

Perfect storm for an argument.

 

Like I said, I'm not proud of this.  What a stupid thing to argue about.  Bigger problems in the world and bigger problems in my life frankly that I don't even really know why that pissed me off so much.

 

I overreacted.  I acted like a kid, I felt like I was being talked to like a kid again and old patterns kind of came out naturally without being really aware of it.

 

So the layers of my thoughts/reaction all point to something actually other than anger - shame, embarrasement, frustration, stress, hurt, for example.

 

Just to use another situation as context - I have a couple of friends who had a tiff recently and they were both angry at eachother, but really what had happend is one was in a hurt sad place about something, and the other commented on it.  The first lashed out due to being "injured" emotionally by this, which then injured the second friend.  Argument ensues.  Anger is expressed. 

 

What is really going on? Hurt, frustration, misscommunication, missunderstanding, feelings of judgement, embarrassment perhaps?  I'm not sure exactly, since I'm not in their heads, but I'm fairly certain there were things going on OTHER than anger that lead to anger. 

 

I'm sure we've all been a part of these tiffs between friends, I've been angry at friends before and typically it's because I'm sad I haven't seen them in a while and feel a bit neglected by them, or felt hurt I wasn't included in something I felt I should have been.  Usually these are fleeting feelings of anger, but still, it's based upon something else.  Anger is just the way it's expressed but really it's something else.

 

Why am I bringing this up?  Well I think it's really important to look at what anger is.  There is a lot of anger in the world and it's not always as productive as it was developed evolutionarily to be.

 

I explain to my clients a lot that anger is something we all experience, there are times that it is important - such as when there is an injustice done to us and the anger helps protect us and get what we need out of a situation (anger likely puts the biggest fire under your ass as a motivator I'd guess)...but I also explain that often anger isn't really anger at all...it's sadness, it's frustration, it's embarrasement, it's hurt.  Often acting or reacting in anger is contributing to making a situation worse.

 

I said it, key words: anger is a reaction. I'd argue it's not a primary "emotion" but more of a primal reaction. 

As I said, it's served us well in some ways evolutionarily and even in day-to-day life, but I think it's a bit overused, and I'm guilty of it myself.

 

Anger is one of the easier things to feel.  Sometimes it even feels good. You know what I mean?   You're angry about something and you feel very right about it, and  you feel some passion about what you are either defending or arguing against, it's powerful.  But I think because it's "easy" we can go from 0-60 on anger when the right buttons are pushed.  It's a bit too easy. 

 

If we don't examine our anger, what triggers it, what we are actually angry about, what the emotions/thoughts/feelings are UNDERNEATH it, then it's much harder to control or change.

 

For instance, I wasn't angry really that my mom told me the dishwasher was dirty and I could put my dishes in there.  I was annoyed maybe, but I was more frustrated about living there, hurt that I felt she didn't appreciate what I do around the house and maybe embarrased that I don't do enough.

 

Working primarily with teens I see a lot of "angry kids".  As I often explain to their parents, I feel that their anger is not that they have "anger issues" but that likely they're sad, frustrated, confused, lonely, hurt, embarrased, and haven't developed the skills of expressing and processing these emotions. Granted even a twenty-something has a day when she can't express and process her emotions, but teens have a particularly hard time with this. 

 

If the skills to understand and manage ones anger aren't developed during those years, you wind up with many angry adults who walk around feeling pissed off.  Ever notice how contagious anger is? It's like a yawn. Someone is angry, and you see it, and it's hard not to feed off of it.  This is often what happens in parent-child arguments, intimate relationship arguments, etc.  One is angry (although I'd argue sad/hurt/frustrated/confused, etc) and the other reacts in kind.  Angry. 

 

So the cycle of anger is an important one to pay attention to, it's important because not only do we effect how we feel when we're angry, and even worse when we act in anger, but we also infect others when we're angry.

 

We all get angry.  It's human.  But what we do with it, how we understand it, and how we manage it is ultimately what is important.

 

 

Go figure that after the argument this morning I had some extra timeand put my dishes in the dishwasher and ran the dishwasher... An argument technically over nothing, but an indication that there is a lot still going on in me about living at home. 

 

Aaaand I forgot my to-go coffee on the counter.  Kharma's a bitch.

Sorry mom, I know you'll read this, I'll empty the dishwasher when I get home.

Until next time,
hopefully less angrE