since when is the clap the new strep throat?

I have Strep.

Today was my second sick day and I'm still contagious as of tomorrow (24 hours on antibiotics).  So looks like I'll be stuck at home again tomorrow.

You know you're an adult when having to take a sick day totally sucks.

It's not like it used to be when you'd be home for a day or two from school, watch tv, your mom would make you grilled cheese and you'd get to stay in PJs all day, and you were happy about it.

Now it's like you're home all day, stir crazy, maybe your mom makes/brings you chicken soup (thanks mom), but you don't even feel up to watching TV and you are not happy about missing work and falling behind.  I am, however, planning to watch Princes Bride today (for the second time in the last week or so...great Chanukah/Christmas present, favorite movie).

What also was on the agenda today was the doctors.  Since I can't really afford to "ride it out" and just worry about making up my english reading or algebra homework, I had to figure out what the hell is wrong with me.  I have glands the size of golf balls, okay more like walnuts, it hurts to swallow, a bad head ache, a fever and body aches.  No bueno.

You know it's bad when in your dreams it hurts to swallow the drink you're drinking or the food you're eating.   Ouch.  Strep, I think you got me again.

It's been a little over a year and a half since I got Strep and I remember it pretty clearly because my going to the doctor experience was mildly traumatizing.  

Let me repeat that...the last time I got STREP it was mildly traumatizing...You'll understand why I want that to be very clear, other than the obvious...the story is embarrassing enough as it is.

But it's a funny story (now), so I'll tell you anyway.  Ohh, please let this not be the first post of mine you're reading...oy.

****

Anyway, it was a summer day in 2010 and I felt like I was swallowing glass.  

Again, no bueno.  

I called my PCP and scheduled an appointment to go in and get tested for Strep and to get some antibiotics.  Now I'm not someone who grew up taking tons of antibiotics so you know it's bad when I'm seeking them out. I've probably taken them under 10 times in my whole life and as a result they work fairly quickly and efficiently on me.  

With something less painful/less acute I typically utilize other forms of medicine in combination with lots of sleep/hydration/etc...but when you cant even swallow the saliva (sorry, gross) that's in your mouth you know you have to do something.

So I innocently went to my PCP's office, where they told me I'd be seeing the NP who was on call for walk-ins that day.  

No problem, this will be easy in, easy out.

Wrong.

The nurse took my vitals and was really sweet, left the room to get the NP, off to a great start.  

The NP walks in and I thought, she's young and pretty...she must be nice.  

Wrong.

This is what happened:

NP: Hey there E, how you feeling?

E: Not good, I have a really bad sore throat and I feel like crap.

NP: (without looking in my throat, mind you) Hmm, when's the last time your performed oral sex?

E: (Shocked and speechless)...why does that matter?

NP: Well it's possible you have Gonorrhea of the throat.  I need to know when the last time was.  

E: (horrified) I've never heard of that.  How long would it take to show up from that?

NP: About a week?

E: Well then it definitely isn't that.

NP:  Well we can't be sure, I'll need to test you for that.

E: Seriously? Isn't it more likely it's just Strep? or Mono? or like, the flu?

NP: I don't know, let me look.  (for the first time she looks in my mouth) Gasp! Wow, it's really swollen in there!

E: Uhh, yah, I have Strep throat.

NP: (She swabbed my throat then she sat back on her stool and looked at me earnestly) You didn't gag or anything.   (I mean I thought this was still about the oral sex thing...I couldn't make this shit up)

E: Excuuuse me?! (I really said it like that)

NP: E, have you ever thrown up your food to lose weight?

E: No, why would you say that? I didn't gag because my throat is so sore I couldn't feel you swabbing it...

NP:  Well you're a pretty girl, I don't know, sometimes people resort to being anorexic.

E: I would not look like this if I was anorexic.  (I said, starting to get pissed) I'm pretty sure I have Strep throat.  (little did she know I was studying to be a therapist at the time, and I knew that if I was purging frequently enough to mess my throat up that badly, I'd more likely be bulimic...and I wasn't either of those things)

Then I started to get worried.  This NP thinks not only am I a slut, but that I have a raging eating disorder and that I'm lying about what I think is wrong with me.

NP: Well I have several things I have to test you for today, if it's Gonorrhea of the throat you will have to come back and get an antibiotic shot in your butt cheek.

E: Oh god.  

NP: Well, and just in case, we'll start you on medication for Strep.

...and with that she left.

Just in case!? Where the hell did her bedside manner training go?  

Gonorrhea of the throat? Are you f'ing kidding me!? That's the FIRST thing you think of when you hear sore throat!?  

It was probably something she heard of once in NP school or something and thought, EUREKA! I've found it! My favorite disease I learned about!

I mean I was horrified.  I knew it was Strep, there was no way I had The Clap in my throat, but I felt violated by this lady who clearly either wanted me to feel like an idiot/floozy, or just was so green to the field that she didn't know what she was talking about.

Well, shocker of the century, all I had was Strep throat.

****

After this fiasco I spoke to a family friend of mine who is an OBGYN and she said in her ~30 years she has never seen a case of Gonorrhea of the throat.  

She also told me I should report this lady.  I didn't, I figured she hopefully was self aware enough that she realized she had f'd up and that she would treat people better next time.   Also I had good experiences with NP's before so I thought maybe it was a fluke.

But guess who my appointment was with today?  Yep, same lady.  Needless to say I was a bit anxious about seeing her again, under similar circumstances.  I kind of wish I had made a formal complaint and maybe I wouldn't have had to face her again with another sore throat.  Maybe time for a new PCP's office.

I thought by God if she tries that shit again, I'm going to go ballistic on her.  

It was fine, she didn't remember me.  

She said "I'd be shocked if it wasn't strep throat!" (yah where was your logic last time lady?).  She commented again on the gagging thing...although this time she said "I'm impressed" (a lot changes in a year and a half, apparently). 

She complimented my hair (it's up, I've been sick it's not cute) and she tested me for Strep. I'm on an antibiotic. I should feel better in a couple of days.

I'm not sure what the lesson is here, but maybe there is one.  

My takeaway is, Dear God I hope I never get The Clap in my throat...like women need more of an excuse to not give oral sex.  

No but seriously, maybe she was really new and anxious, made some terrible choices of small talk, and happened to be afraid that I had something obscure.

Hahaha...well if you can't laugh at yourself, then life will be pretty challenging, won't it?

My hope though, is my sharing of this offensive/embarrassing story that ended fine, it helps you let go of some of your embarrassing moments.  Holding onto them keeps us in a place of, well feeling embarrassed, which I think is one of the more uncomfortable feelings we experience.  

Feel free to anonymously share some of your stories here...or if you'd like to guest blog an experience people might find funny, let me know.  

We're all human these things happen.

Wishing you all a happy and HEALTHY and Clap-free 2012.

Until next time,

E