8 possible barriers to being dateable

I read this quick article "8 Reasons Why You Aren't Married" posted by a relationship blogger lady that I follow from time to time, and it got my gears going.

I also, happened to read it after another string of unsuccessful first/second dates, how timely.

Shit.

Looks like I have a lot of things I need to work on, and here I was thinking I was pretty great.

Well I know I'm pretty great, but maybe that is part of the problem?

I have, 12 years to get this shit in order or I'll be another 40 year old without a hubby. 

Granted I’m not ready to be married now, and I’m not in a rush, per se…but hopefully it doesn’t take those 12 years.

Either way this points out some things that I, and maybe you, could wrestle with.  Jello wrestling with it might make it more fun.

Frankly, I'm not really willing to give all of these attributes up, or change who I am, but I do realize that some of these things makes me hard to please or hard to be in a relationship with…so they might be worth toning down or revaluating.

The article lays out the following 8 barriers (it's like they know me).

1. Sort of shallow
2. Sort of bitchy
3. Too independent
4. Too easy
5. Overly self-focused
6. Lack of honesty with self
7. Super hero busy
8. Not good enough

Let’s explore.

1. Sort of shallow:

I totally agree that you need to love a man for his character, I’d much rather be with someone who has a great character than is just pretty.  BUT.  With online dating being like window shopping, and a list of qualities (like the list that Connor Mead talked about), it’s really hard to get their character fully…but you can see their face…and their height.  PLUS I have to be attracted to the guy, just like I’d want him to be attracted to me. I mean I think sexual chemistry is an important part of a long term relationship. I don’t think the guy has to be objectively gorgeous but I want to find him attractive.  So this is a tough one.  However, if I meet a guy in the wild, and we get to know each other more naturally, I think I’m probably much less shallow than I am online.  I wonder how I can shift that.  I’ve noticed actually in the last week or so (I just re-joined Match.com, worst timing ever when I’m super busy and don’t have time for a date, but whatever), that I’ve been talking to guys who are not as “typical” to me in terms of their careers/jobs, location, background, whatever.  So maybe I’m loosening my grip on the “stats” already.

2.  Sort of bitchy:

Eek.  Define bitchy.  No, don’t. I know I can be bitchy.  “McMillan points out that you probably don’t think of yourself this way because you’ve been to therapy or you’re really smart. Either way, men prefer to marry women they can easily get along with and who tend to be nice. Your anger scares men away whether you admit it or not.” Does that include BEING a therapist AND really smart?  Hmm damn.  Well I know that I have a lifetime of anger, that I’ve been working on…and maybe it is really time to let go some of the anger, jealousy, frustration, whatever that sometimes creeps up.  Being more easy going and and easy to get along with in general would be good.  But “nice” doesn’t mean anything to me…friendly, warm, open, now that is better than “nice”.  I think I have those qualities but maybe they are overshadowed by my harshness/abruptness sometimes.  I don’t want to be fake, but point taken.

3. Too independent:

I’ve heard this one before.  Men need to feel needed.  I think it is very possible I come of not needing a man, because I don’t actually need one.  I like my independence a lot, but I do realize that I have filled up my time, and life space with work, friends, activities, and it will actually take some work to fit a guy into my life…See number 7.  Part of me also wants to find a guy who likes my independence, but when I think about it, do I want a guy who is so independent that it’s no different if I’m in his life or not?  For instance, even in my long term relationship, when we split up, the only thing I “lost” in the split was a couple beach towels/chairs in his car, I had a pair of his boxers at my place, I took down some pictures, deleted a few off Facebook, and that was it.  Maybe we were too independent and our lives weren’t intertwined enough for it to last, or feel worth working on.  So I wonder what I can do to work on my independence.  I’m not willing to be a damsel in distress, but opening my schedule up, asking for help when I need things versus muscling through and doing them myself, maybe there are other things? Guys/girls let me know your thoughts on this one.

4.  Too easy:

Ugh.  Just after I post about one night stands.  Although as I said there, it is not a good way to land a serious relationship (in most cases).  But the too easy thing.  How easy are we talking here?  No but I do agree with the writer on this one, and I feel like it aligns with both my posts about one night stands and friends with benefits.  Get your sugar but don’t expect great results.

5.  Overly self-focused:

You mean like having a blog about yourself?  Yikes.  Hmm maybe I should start posting about things other than myself.  What else can I do that isn’t self focused?  I spend my whole day focusing on my clients and their lives…but what about in my spare (HA) time?  Volunteering, maybe even getting “back” into painting…yah that would be for me, but I wouldn’t be in my head about me, I’d be being creative…or reading about others…maybe some good autobiographies.  Thoughts/suggestions on good reads?

6.  Lack of honesty - the key is with one's self. 

I'm very honest outwardly but maybe I need some help with looking at myself frankly...I’m not sure.  I know my quirks and flaws…and I know my areas of weakness fairly well.  I do really think it’s important to be honest about what you’re looking for when you first start dating someone.  There was this really cute guy online who was like “I’m not looking for a serious thing right now”, and for a day or two I entertained the idea…”maybe I can change his mind” is sometimes how we think…but ladies, we know we can’t.  So I didn’t even end up meeting him because I told him I was looking for something more serious and that I don’t plan on working hard to change someone’s mind.  Didn’t hear back from him…maybe I was too honest.  Anyway, NEXT.

 

7.  Super hero busy:

GUILTY.  My friends can attest to this...My work schedule is all over the place, and I have to schedule friends ahead of time just to see everyone here and there. I know that sounds like bragging, and I'm so thankful for my friends, but it's true, different friend circles require more time management skills.  I rarely have a night off socially, but then when I do I feel, well, lonely and bored.  So I tend to keep my nights packed full…I guess I need to be okay with more alone time, so there is room for going on dates, dating a guy even.

8.  Not good enough:

Maybe deep down this is true.  Maybe deep down because both my father figures left that I feel that I’m not good enough or worthy of a good relationship.  I don’t know if this is true, but it’s possible.  There is a part of me that feels “I deserve” a good healthy relationship because of “all I’ve been through” but that is maybe to compensate for my subconscious.  Hmm, food for thought.  I do know that I’m great in a lot of ways, and while (clearly) there are some things to look at, or work on, but I know I’m a good person, with a good head on my shoulders, and I am good enough for someone to fall in love with me (where it’s mutual).  

Or maybe I’m just too awesome.  Yah, maybe that’s it. :)

Haha.   

I’m sharing this with you in the hopes of unlocking something in me that shifts how I present myself enough that I’m more accessible to guys, but maintains who I am and my values of self and goals, etc.  Maybe something to think about for you if you’re single and wondering why.

The other thing is, it could also be timing.  I think not beating yourself up about these things is key because we are who we are, and someone should love us for who we are.  So maybe it’s working on being patient and not worrying about what timelines others are on, or what timeline we wish we were on.

Until next time,

E