Sure, I'll Help Save Our Rivers

This will be quick as I really have to pack...but I thought it was kind of comical.


You may or may not know it, but I get stopped on the street every day. Not like I'm working the corner, but people seemingly always picking me to ask for directions, donations, etc.  Back in January I wrote this...I'll give you a couple minutes to re-read, or read it for the first time.


Welcome back.


This morning I got dressed and put on a t-shirt I got in Israel a couple years ago. You know the one, it says Coca Cola in Hebrew.  Yah, we all got them.  (I apologize for the quasi awkward/blurry boob shot, but I wanted those of you who didn't know what it looked like to feel included).


I don't usually wear anything indicating that I'm Jewish and today (before I left my apt) I was thinking about how it was kind of weird that I pulled this shirt out specifically.  Really it's because half of my clothes are in my city apartment and the other half are at my mom's house as I transition.  Plus its a cute thin tshirt (it is damn hot out) and I'm doing some packing so wasn't trying to dress in something nicer than a T.


But still, I even consiously thought about the shirt.  Even in my elevator on my way down to the first floor I was in my head thinking "I wonder if people will even notice it doesn't say Coca Cola in English?"


If you weren't paying attention, you could almost miss it.


Unless, of course you're Jewish and want a donation for your cause.


I'm walking to get my obligatory ice coffee around the corner from my apartment rocking out to my Passion Pit Pandora station, and ahead of me on the sidewalk is this cute kid, with a clipboard, who was no more than 20 years old waving his arms frantically.  Of course at this point I'm not sure if he's looking at me, since I'm clearly wearing sunglasses which makes me near invisible, I clearly have head phones in, and I clearly need an ice coffee.


As I get closer...clearly he's waving at me.
---
RiverGuy: "At medaberet ‘ivrit?" (Translation: Do you speak Hebrew?) 


E: (SHIT, I thought.  The one person who would walk by me and know what my shirt is, called me out.) "...No, I don't".


RiverGuy: "Well, do you have a minute to talk about our rivers? What's your name?"


E: <Fumbling> "uhh I do, I'm E, but I need an ice coffee first."  What? E, wow.  I didn't have the capacity without coffee to go with A.  This just shows how much I don't want to pack today that I'd make time to talk to this kid.


RiverGuy: "Great! I'll see you when you get out".
---
He called me out on not speaking Hebrew and wearing this shirt, told me it was why he "targeted me" and when I said that he conned me into being a member, he said smiling "My friends would say I Jewed you.  Have you heard of that?".  Coming from this kid I couldn't help but laugh...have I heard of that? I mean I wasn't born yesterday, RiverGuy.  Good thing he was a cute little Jew or I'd have been almost offended.  


I know I look young but this kid ended up totally hitting on me.   Either that or he was hoping I'd give him more than $10 a month.  I mean if I wasn't probably in the range of 6-10 years older than him, I might have been into it since he was clearly a good guy who cares about rivers, and Jewish so my grandparents would be happy.


Anyway, long story short I ended up becoming a member.  Like I've said, I'm pro Earth. This organization is petitioning for the EPA to increase standards and reduce toxic/sewage dumping in our local rivers.  So I figure that now that I'm employed (!!!!) I can make a small donation to help our water.  Why not.


Mental note: people do pay attention to what is written across your chest, especially if they want something from you.


Until next time,
E

junk mail, bills and magazines, oh my!

Sorry to say for mail men and women everywhere, but I just wish everything was electronic.  Many things have changed over but frankly, not enough of apparently what my name is attached to.  I'm cool with magazines, but these damn credit card offers, I seriously get at least 3 every week.

No Citibank, I don't want another credit card, my sweet plastic friends are cozy in my wallet and there is no room for you.

How do you get rid of junk paper mail? I wish there was a place that compiled a list of all the mail and bills that came to your house so you can opt out and/or make sure you didn't miss anything important...it would save some trees and some paper cuts.  Million dollar idea frankly, someone should really start that if they haven't done so already.  If they have please let me know.

I'm a bit bitter as I just had to spend over an hour going through a Whole Foods' (I love me some Whole Foods, and you know how I feel about Mr. Joe the Trader!) paper bag full of mail that had not been opened and sorted in ages.  Literally I found Sports Illustrated from September 2010 and bills that were begging to be opened but I refused and instead paid online.  But then I was left with their papery reminder that I was lazy and didn't just open the damn envelope in the first place.

This is a terrible habit.  I need to be better about opening mail when I get it, recycle what I don't need/want and filing what I do.  I mean it is so simple, but for some reason the last thing I want to do is even check the mailbox, never mind be proactive about it.

Did I mention the paper cuts?

I got one on my knuckle, and you know that is the worst because it keeps reopening when I use my hand.  The worst.  Well actually, the worst is manila folder cuts, eek.

Medical bills, who pays those on time? Apparently not me, because I found many duplicate bill notifications...and even one collection warning. Woops, good thing I did actually miraculously pay them before that point.  Typically once the labels turned red (from originally yellow) I knew it was time, and they mean business.

Changing address.  This is a whole other issue.  So for the major things like bank, cell phone, credit card it is easy to know what to change and how to change them.  I'm not sure what I want to change my address for frankly.  This move may actually cut out my junk mail!  I feel bad for the guys moving into my place next month:  Here guys! Here is the Working Mother Magazine that I have no idea how I ended up receiving as I don't yet have children and only recently landed a job, JCrew Catalogs and my Discover 0% APR for 12 months offer.  You are welcome.

Well when I put my mind to it I do ultimately get organized.  I actually have a pretty good little filing box (seen here) where I end up knowing where important things are.  I really prefer to be organized I just don't know why I wait until the paper is spilling onto the floor.  In my next residence, or my next life, I suppose I'll try to do this differently.

I've realized there are some specific things that I have a hard time throwing away: birthday cards (I wish I was less efficient of taking the money out of cards, so that I could happen upon $100 at a later date), plastic hotel keys from cool places, business cards despite my lack of need for the services offered, my own old business cards from previous jobs, any printed photos regardless of the content/people in them, little nick-knacks that I've acquired as freebies with logos on them (that I might want someday, but definitely won't need any day).

One thing that kind of worries me is throwing away all this mail with my name and address and stuff all over it. I know that nothing with really sensitive information is going into the recycling bin, but isn't that how identity theft happens?  Maybe that's my subconscious excuse for keeping it versus getting rid of it.

I mean clearly I'm not on the show Hoarders (yikes, those poor folks, it's terrible) but I do wish I was able to de-clutter more.  Don't get me started on junk drawers.  Sexy isn't it, me talking about my bad habits? Ha. Oh well.

Well the project for the day is complete and no longer calling my name from the corner behind my desk (where I pretend it's not visible).  I did find a $5 winning scratch ticket, so I got that going for me, which is nice.

If you have thoughts on how to stay organized with paper mail, going electronic, changing addresses or generally how to maybe not air so much of your dirty laundry at any opportunity for the entertainment of others, let me know.

Until next time,
E

What's in a name?

This is the third iteration of my post today, so forgive me if it isn’t my finest work.

This morning I started by writing about the fact that I haven’t written in a while (because my life for the past couple weeks has been barely interesting to me, never mind to all of y’all). Then I figured you likely didn’t notice the hiatus so dedicating a whole blog post to it seemed self-serving. 

As if I have to explain myself to you!

Then I went on to ramble about blogging and how it seems to always come up in conversations – people talking to me about my blog, people talking about their blogs, getting advice about google analytics and people asking about starting a blog, etc.  This is actually a fairly decent topic to post about…which maybe I will once I’m back into the swing of things on here.  It was coming out rather dry and boring so I thought I’d spare you, for now, and rewrite that later.

This happens sometimes.  I get writer’s block, or what is probably more accurately called writer’s partial block, which means I write a lot but it’s not very good.  Often I’ll start writing a post, and scrap it because it feels forced or pointless.  Sometimes out of that something else will pop, and I’ll get a decent entry from it.

I’m hoping that is what happened today.

Somehow I landed on the topic of names and aliases in the second iteration that was scrapped this morning (while vehemently procrastinating from cleaning/packing up my life to move or paying my bills), so I’ll run with that.

I have a close friend who is an artist (singer/songwriter) who is very, very talented.  She is in the process of revamping herself musically, her image and her name.  She is looking to create an artist name to represent her “brand” versus going by her own version of Jane Doe.  What is cool about this concept is that it will give her more artistic freedom.  While she isn’t going to abandon her “God given” name it allows her day-to-day identity to maintain itself in the business world and be the cute, sunny and sweet person she is naturally. 

What her “stage name” will allow is for her to act out.  She can expand upon small features of her personality and make them large (sultriness was my suggestion) while putting her day-to-day self to the side of the persona (she’s ridiculously smart and accomplished in other ways).  I’d argue that it’s not a real departure from who she is and it’s still authentic, but maybe more of a caricature (think the aura of J-Lo versus Lady GaGa in terms of approachability versus just plain out there).

I’m not sure if you were like me as a kid, but used to like to play make believe and have a different name, be a different person (ie, Barbie, Punkie Brewster, Princess Jasmine, you know the typical).  Remember taking your middle name and your street name and that would be your actress name (or adult film star, I can’t remember)?

Playing make believe and dress up was always fun and exhilarating: the opportunity to be a departure of yourself.  Parts of me would always seep into my role-playing…I’m sure I’d get bossy and upset when things didn’t go my way in the game.  I don’t think that we can lose ourselves completely even when we try and diverge from our identity.

Now of course my idea of what “role-playing” means has changed since I was 8 years old (and now evokes an image of someone dressed up in a maids uniform and someone else handcuffed to a bed), but the allure of being someone you’re not is an interesting thing. 

Obviously, I really like who I am or I’d work to change it (and there are clearly things that I am working on) but I’m talking more about an aspect of your life where you’re uninhibited to be something you normally aren’t.  Maybe for some that is the opportunity to be more outgoing when you start a new job or move to a new city where no one knows you as the shy person yet.  Or maybe it’s that you go out dancing once a week, but you are seen as a reserved person. 

Whatever that departure is, it allows you to express yourself in a way that you don’t feel comfortable normally doing when it is tied to your name/person.

I think that while having this blog has allowed me to express more than I would normally in this way, it isn’t completely anonymous and it hasn’t really allowed me to talk about things that are more controversial than carrying umbrellas, vague references to dating, yoga, and owning a mac.  That’s okay, I guess I wasn’t really looking for this to be that type of blog, but more for the catharsis and the process of thinking, writing and sharing. 

I do wish for this blog I had come up with a catchy pen name, versus just E…though E is fine.  I have people in my life that call me E which I like, and it works as being identifying enough without revealing myself completely to the person who lands on this blog via happenstance. 

I’ve thought many times about writing stories/books. I’ve started a few, actually. I’ll have to think of a pen name for those at some point in order to not have my writing and my therapy practice be tied in any way, so I’ll have the opportunity to play ‘dress up’ in my writing, for those endeavors.

I must admit that I sometimes feign my identity in real life.  A very concrete example is when I’m quick enough with my response at a bar (when I’m pretty sure I’m not interested in the guy), I’ll introduce myself as a different name. The intention is not to be mean or misleading per se, but more to clearly have a boundary between this drunken guy and who I really am. 

I have a go to name.  It’s something easy to remember, that’s not too common or uncommon to avoid being suspicious and was one of the names that I wish I had been named when I was a kid.

I don’t actually have an alter ego created for this fake name.  She is just me, with a different name.  Although, I’d argue sometimes the name is enough.

If you think about it, for the most part we become our names.  We say, “I am ____”.  That is how I identify myself, that is how others identify me, that is me.  I think this is why I envision having a hard time changing my last name when I get married, because it has become so much a part of who I am and how I see myself.

I even feel that we also end up looking like certain names.  Do you ever notice that we often say things like “He doesn’t look like a Brandon” or “She looks like an Alison”.   And how is it possible that all strippers are named Trixi, Brandy or Candy?  Okay obviously, those aren’t usually their real names, but why do those names seem fit the category so well for being a stripper?

I think for this point I disagree with Shakespeare when he wrote Romeo and Juliet

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."

I mean yeah, sure.  If we called roses bricks or something, it probably wouldn’t change the chemistry of the plant to make it smell like brick, but I don’t know if I would be as excited to tell everyone that the guy I was dating sent me 12 bricks to my work.

I also think that if a strippers name was Gertrude, she might not pull in as many 1’s that she would by going by Genesis or something.

So, I think there is something in a name.

On that note, I should probably go pay the bills that are attached to mine.

Until next time,

E, or A if you see me in a bar.

Getting Some (Beautiful) Perspective

I'm drinking my venti iced with soy, I just threw two (heaping) loads of laundry in and I'm sitting by my window at my desk.  There is a strong breeze blowing my hair into my face, and it's delightful.  If I closed my eyes, it could almost feel like I'm on a hammock some where glorious. 

It's a warm sunny day, and I'm sure once my laundry is done I'll be itching to get out and about...maybe even for a run.

Despite my post yesterday, I'm feeling particularly thankful today.  Sometimes I wonder why certain days just hit you wrong, and certain days hit you right...maybe it's the breeze.

My good friend beat me to the punch in his awesome blog (follow him!), but last night after I posted about the job, I happened upon photos of the day by Nat Geo...I can't help but feel that maybe this has been a helpful to give me a bit of perspective.

These photos that readers submit from all over the world are awe inspiring and can serve as a reminder about what we need to save by being earth friendly, as well as the fact that the world keeps spinning despite our day to day woes.  I think this is actually comforting. 

I wanted to share with you (they say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery...so Something's Brewing, I hope you don't mind!).

Anyway, flip through a bunch of the pictures, you won't regret it...posted are some of my favorites from the last 1-2 months.

Until next time,
E

Ps. The photos can be found and downloaded by clicking on the picture, they are linked to Nat Geo's site. :)

Beggars Can Be Choosers, I Hope

Things are trucking along since the world didn't end, the next Bachelorette has started and the rain has subsided*...right?

Eh.

Okay I'll do my best not to be over dramatic because really nothing terrible is happening...but I'm feeling stuck in my "poor me" time, and figured I'd get it out and then get the fahk over it.

I'll start with the good stuff...I did it! I graduated with my masters!  I feel very happy and proud, and I'm glad that the chapter has closed. I feel ready to take on what is next.  It of course was a bitter sweet ending, there are some people I'll miss seeing all the time from the program, I miss seeing some of the clients I saw over the last year or so, and it's just so hard to believe that 2 years flew by so quickly.

Now what do I have to show for it? A fancy degree in an overly expensive frame...and this eagerness to find a sweet job that I haven't been able to satiate yet.

Based upon all my hard work, I really feel I deserve to find a job that I enjoy, get excited about, and get paid more than when I worked at a video store in high school.

We all grew up with the idea (from movies, typically) that therapists are (crazy) folks that make good money and don't work very hard because they just sit there being all like "uh huh" and "how does that make you feel?"...but frankly being some one's therapist is a great deal of challenging work...and you don't get paid very well considering the responsibilities (at least until you are seasoned and have your own practice).

Imagine 6-7 people a day, for 50 minutes each, unloading their fears, hopes, addictions, dreams, shattered dreams, trauma, stories of falling in love, heart break, excitement, confusion, frustration, secrets, thoughts of suicide etc on you.  Even if all you did was listen, it's still draining.  The rewarding parts of the work far outweigh the challenges (or else no one would do it) but it's a challenging job working with people to keep themselves healthy, safe and happier. 

My point isn't to make you impressed with the work I do, simply to make the point that being paid decently and validated in that way is important.

Trust me I am not looking to get rich here or I'd consider things like finance, commercial real estate or stripping/gambling. I love the work but I'm just not convinced that it's too much to ask that to make enough money to pay rent, have a decent/reliable car and save a little extra (after I pay out my beer fund). 

This brings me to where I'm at a bit of a stalemate (one of them, anyway).  I got my second job offer for a therapist position today.  Yay! Well, kind of.  So it's a huge compliment and is validating that I've been offered a job, never mind two, however I have to admit I'm disappointed.

I left the interview on Tuesday feeling so great about the clinic, the director and the setting...I literally drove home with a huge smile on my face and squealed a couple times out of excitement.  So to say that I was pumped is an understatement.  Today my offer came, and while it's fantastic that I could have a job, they offered me not very much money as it is their starting rate.

Without getting into the details, it doesn't even get to the low end of the range of what I'm willing to take for an income.  BUMMER.  So I worked some of my negotiation magic, and I'm waiting to see if the spell took hold.  I should know some time next week.  Now that I've talked about it who knows what will turn up.  Until then, I'm biting my tongue.
 
I just felt completely deflated today.  This job was more in line with my needs than the first job offer I got, which was also less than I wanted to take in terms of salary, but getting more of what I need is still a good progression.  Both jobs are "good" jobs...and I wouldn't be stupid for having taken the first one and definitely not if I take this one.  But I also want to weigh what is important to me.  Beggars can be choosers, I hope.

Should this particular job not work out, I'm at least learning more and more about what I want and what I need...but damn it I just want it to work out. (For my life right now you could substitute the word job here with "man", "living situation", "lottery ticket" etc).

Also, I've thought "should I just take it?", "am I being too picky?", "am I being realistic?".  This is not my nature at all to question these things however I have felt especially uneasy about this big transition.

Seeing as I am no longer going to be paying rent for a few months, I can "afford" to wait...but I'm not sure what I'll do, to be honest.  I think it's a typical experience in most senses - the dance of, do I take something now so I know I have a job, or do I wait, and possibly wait for a while?

I suppose this is a silly thing to complain about (wah wah, I can have a job but I might not take it, poor me...), it feels stupid to even write about it.

But really I just feel like this is one more thing in my life that I just want to work.  I'm sick of having to be so patient for things to pan out, or for all the puzzle pieces to come together.  I just want it to resolve with something fantastic so I can look back and say I made the right decisions, this is a good thing, I'm happy...

I'm not worried (much).  I know it will happen.  Essentially I'm frustrated and don't enjoy feeling like thing are out of my hands, especially big things that can make such a large impact on me.

Ah well, I'm sure the end of next week will have brought about world of changes and updates, and I might as well stay open to whatever that is at this point.  I'll keep y'all posted (obviously).

Until next time,
E

*PS. I got some funny/great feedback about the umbrella commentary (in person and in emails), don't be afraid to comment on the actual blog so people can see it folks!

PPS.  Thank you to all of you that reached out with congratulations over the last week or so, and for the warm feedback about my blog...really means a lot!

Oh hey there...nice umbrella.

Since we're on the topic of Noah-reminiscent rain, and clearly we are, I thought I'd bring up one of the age old questions.  Should men use umbrellas?

Okay so I realize this is sexist and double standardish but I was just walking back from running some errands (new cardigan for graduation and nylons since it will not be May-like weather tomorrow and I'm wearing a fun dress) and I passed a guy who was very attractive, I'd say late 20's, tall, built, manly and overall very much my type.  Then I saw, the umbrella.

At the very least it was one of the big ones (that's what she said).  You know, one of them tall cane-like umbrellas. It was at least a bit more masculine than say a pink zebra print pop-out J. Crew umbrella (mine)...but it's an umbrella none the less.

I think I would have been less surprised by it if he were wearing a suit and looking like he had to preserve his attire for an important meeting, if he was older (40+ umbrella is more acceptable, no?) or even if he were metro or something where you could chalk it up to having a fashion sense.  But no.  He was wearing a dark green polo, khakis, loafers and looked like he stepped out of Abercrombie from the days where the music wasn't as loud, the girls weren't as whorish and when I used to shop there...I bet he was even wearing boxers with moose on them and Woods (apparently it's back).

Anyway, he was very cute, and for that I wouldn't say an umbrella is make or break.  I mean, I carry around my umbrella pretty much everywhere, but that is really because my hair will get curly if it gets wet, or I'm not wearing waterproof mascara or something. 

I wonder if he felt self conscious or if there was a moment of hesitation this morning when he decided to bring it along with him on his saunter down the road, to where ever he was going.  Maybe he didn't think about it at all.

Don't get me wrong, I like a guy who takes care of himself but it was just striking that this guy was more worried about getting his short hair and polo wet than the fact that he had to lug around a huge umbrella and look like a frat boy who stole some old mans cane...and it's not even raining today (yet).

I suppose I could imagine being happy dating a guy who carried an umbrella on those days where I have misplaced or had forgotten my own...or you know because of the whole dating a guy part.  Details, details.

Until next time,
E

End of the World? May 21, 2011

I'm at my mom's house today and we've been prepping my old bedroom for my arrival.  I'm taking a break from cleaning and moving stuff to watch some tv.

My mom has a new flat screen in the living room so I found a good HD channel (Science Channel) and the show playing is "Meteorite Men" which is pretty interesting.

I was planning on writing about the end of the world today anyway so I figured while I'm watching this show is as good a time as any.

You probably have heard that May 21st, 2011 is the end of the world.  Well, at least that is the rumor.  There have been about 20 of these rumors over the course of my life, but I didn't have a blog then, so here you go.

An article that explains this phenomenon can be found here, or you can google it.   Okay I'm kiding, that's not a good article at all, but I found it hilarious that people are worried about their dogs after the world ends (sad thought but, wouldn't they be dead too?), and the fact that these people are willing to pay to sign them over to an Athiest (ironic considering those worried about rapture are religious).

Now while I find them interesting topics of discussion, I'm no plate tectonic expert, cosmos expert or even climate change expert (that's one of my mom's area of knowledge, though).   I do have to say there have been a lot of wacky things going on as of late.  Tsunamis, earth quakes, all the unrest/upheaval in the Middle East, hurricanes,  bird flu (ha, don't get me started), warm winters, extremely long cold winters, rainy summers, and blastingly hot summers...oh my!  I mean they even have an entire TV series on the meteorites that hit earth.

So on one level I understand that here is cause for concern that the earth may be turning against us, or the fear that the earth will not escape a large Texas sized meteor like it did in the age of Ben Affleck's Armageddon.

I thought about this theme and there have been many songs written about this fear, even if abstractly, as often songs about the end of the world are political songs or commentary versus being about the actual apocalypse (with the exception of Britney of course, I'm sure it is about the Apocalypse versus just about sex...ha).

(I'm not intending any copy write infringement by posting/suggesting these songs)
Muse - Apocalypse, Please
R.E.M - It's The End of The World
Britney - Till the World Ends
Tool - Ænima  If you don't know how weird (and awesome) Tool is, then don't watch the video, as their artistry is more intense/disturbing than their songs...if that's possible.
Soundgarden - Black Hole Sun
Doors - The End 

Now bringing us back down to earth here, I find it hard to believe that on the 85th birthday of my grandfather, doomsday will occur. I don't know, I just feel like I've made plans for next week already (including an interview!), and I just can't imagine that this "is it".

If this was it I'd assume a lot of us would feel pressure with 3 days to atone, binge on sex/drugs/rock and roll and tell lots of people we love them.

I believe that we should probably do this more day to day anyway (aside from the binging on drugs thing). Granted we need to keep in mind that our actions have consequences, as the world isn't in fact ending...but living life to the fullest is probably a best practice about being mindful and present.

So, what would you do if you knew that the world was ending in 3 days?  What of those things should we be doing now? 

I think what is nice about this hoopla is that it gives people (not swept up in the fear) the opportunity to be reflective and see what in their lives they would like to change, add, remove, etc.  In no way am I trying to give y'all panic attacks about the end of the world, and I hope that you're not someone who is taking this too too seriously (if you are you might want to hit "next blog" a couple of times and find a religious blog and follow that instead).

With that said, I do think it is a good time (like spring cleaning) to reevaluate ourselves.

I suppose it's possible that come Saturday (after I graduate!) that this blog will be blasted into the ether along with the people reading this, but I'm going to take a chance and say...I'll see you Sunday.

That way if I'm right, hey I'm right, and if I'm wrong, it won't matter.

Until next time (or at least until Saturday),
E

Moving home gracefully and temporarily. (Part I)

So it's official.  Like, Facebook official.

My roommate of the last almost 2 years, and friend from my previous work life (advertising, prior to making the move to psychology), is moving back to her home state.  She's moving for a bunch of reasons including an awesome job opportunity.  I'm super excited for her, sad to see her go, sad to leave my amazing apartment, and stressed that everything is so up in the air at once (school, work, etc).

This happened pretty suddenly, and she's moving in about 3 weeks...therefore I've had to do some serious on my toes thinking.  I considered having someone move in to fill her room, but as amazing as our apartment is, I can't really afford it moving forward (seeing as I don't have a job, yet).

Since our lease is up at the end of the summer, I'd been assuming I would move to a cheaper apartment or move into a one bedroom and live alone, around then anyway.  Since I wasn't planning on staying here much longer, bringing someone in for the summer and me paying rent with money I don't have, just felt like it didn't make the most sense given the time constraints on making this decision.

What made a little more sense (but is emotionally loaded and I dare say is stigmatized), is 

moving back to my mom's house for the summer.

I know.  I know.

This does make sense as there are some major benefits not limited to not paying rent, a pool in the backyard for the summer, more flexibility on the time pressure of getting a job I like and even getting a break from the city for a little bit.  I'll be just about a half hour outside the city, which isn't bad, most of my friends have already offered up their couches for weekend fun in the city...and ultimately the saving grace is this is temporary with an even better end result in sight.

This is what I keep telling myself.  Lots of smart, good reasons to go home for the summer as I transition and work towards some of my goals.

It's been about, well, let's just say, many years since I've lived at home and I never pictured myself needing to move back.  I suppose, there are worse things. I'm fortunate my mom is willing to have me, it's a nice house (did I mention the pool?), and that it will really allow me to take my time finding a job I love, figure out my living situation back in the city, and save up some money to start paying off school loans...

I can talk myself in circles, but really I just have to be okay with this.  The decision has been made.

Over the next few weeks I'll start to move things home and take over one of the rooms that used to be mine on the other side of the house from my mom's.

My mom and I discussed boundaries, giving each other space, the fact that her boyfriend will be around, about me having people over, me helping out around the house, etc etc.  We've had some hard, open and honest conversations around some of the things it brings up since the last time I lived there our family was different (which included my stepfather, which remains a painful area of our lives).

Ultimately, overall...I don't think it will be bad to live there for a little.

Am I embarrassed? Yes. Am I relieved that I can find a job and not be so stressed out about rent for a couple of months? Absolutely.

I'll keep you posted on how gracefully I can manage the moving process, regressing to a living situation of a 17 year old while maintaining my maturity and independence, and maintaining a social life of a young, fun, single, twenty-something.

Sounds slightly impossible, but if anyone can do it, I know I can.

Until next time,
E

Lucky Friday the 13th

It took me until about a half hour ago to realize it was Friday the 13th (this is due to not having any structure or real need to know what day it is due to being in transition - see last few posts to get the scoop).

It's surprising that I didn't know because this is something I typically pay great attention to.

I guess you could say I'm a bit superstitious.

I was actually born on a Friday the 13th a few years ago...You may be thinking what people usually say when they hear this: "oh scary!" or "oh that explains a lot".  I'm not clear on what either really mean, but I usually respond with "no way it's awesome".

Some of my closest friends were also born on 13th's, (mayy on Fridays too) and we agree that it's very lucky.  I'd go as far to say as it might just be the best day to be born, but I'm partially biased. 

Aside from really liking Friday the 13th's, I also tend to bite my tongue or knock on wood.  I've been told that knocking on wood is a reference to knocking on the wood of the cross, and that biting one's tongue is more of a Jewish thing, so I guess pick your dogma poison...I tend to do both, just in case.

I'm often worried about jinxing things by talking about them or getting excited about them before they happen...but I think ultimately this is just avoiding being disappointed.  Although there seems to be an uncanny correlation to when I talk about something "big" that may happen, that it doesn't end up happening (for better or for worse).  Even simple things like shaving your legs.

Ladies, ever notice the correlation of prepping and shaving your legs and not meeting someone out...I swear it's when we don't have time to update the smoothness of our legs we end up hitting it off with someone at the bar.

I think the largest part of my superstitious nature is around LUCK (from the Irish portion of myself perhaps). I do also believe that certain people have more luck than others. I have a history of being very, as I see it, "lucky" in a lot of ways (I won't list them in the hopes of not jinxing any pending luck).  I do also think that luck comes in bunches...

For instance right now I don't feel particularly lucky since my life is up in the air in almost all aspects, but I wouldn't be surprised that all those things will lock into place in kind of this big cosmic shift.  One thing will change and the domino effect will hopefully get things aligned.

If all of this sounds weird to you then I'd say you're the odd one because most people have some aspect of this...why do you think so may people play the lottery?

Anyway, so today is going to be a lucky day for me, I've decided.  I don't know what kind of luck is in store for me, but I'm hoping it comes in the form of an awesome opportunity, however that manifests.

Maybe I'm just hopeful that I have some control over things that are actually out of my control, and thinking in terms of "luck", or "not jinxing things" helps me feel in some sort of control.  Hey at this point, I'll take it.

Are there things you're superstitious about?

Biting my tongue until next time,
E

allergies and more crap tv

There is pollen everywhere.  There is a film of yellow/green on my car, on the sill outside my window, and apparently coating my throat and lungs.

Today my head feels like a bowling ball and I feel blehh (AKA super sexy).  I did some of my "to-do's" and followed up on a job lead I'm excited about to at least feel moderately productive...but I'm feeling bummed and bored on my second day of freedom. 

Hopefully I'll feel good enough to at least be able to enjoy going out tonight for our program graduation dinner, and that I'll feel good enough for a run tomorrow.

With all the annoyances of allergies, I can't totally write off pollen.  We need pollen to bring us things like flowers and plants, honey (I'm all about honey) and today feeling sick gave me the excuse to lay around and watch some crap TV.  

I'm embarrassed to admit it, so clearly I will, I got sucked into a marathon of the show Made.  I'm passing it off as research into the age group that I'll likely work with (adolescents/ young adults).

I'm not sure why I like the concept of the jock turning ballroom dancer, and bully turning beauty queen, but I do.  Maybe because we have all thought, at some point that, we'd like to be different than we are.  MTV tries to make the moral of the story that there are many things we can do if we are open to try them...and while this can be true it also further shows that people are good at making asses of themselves on national TV.

I wonder what I would want to be "made into" if I were on that show?  Maybe a skateboarder, salsa dancer or a rapper.

Yikes, good thing I'm too old to be on it.  Looks like I'll stick with whatever it is that I am, allergies and all.


Until next time <<achu!>>,
E

10 Goals To H.A.G.S.

So I've been a bit quiet since I've been busy the last two weeks wrapping up graduate school...and hey, I'm officially done!!!

Classes ended on this past Thursday, internship ended on Friday and today I passed in my last paper...I have to bring some final documentation into the program tomorrow, but it's all signed sealed and just waiting to be delivered.  I graduate at the end of next week and then...?

Well, I'm on an indefinite (but hopefully short lived as I need an income) vacation.  The goal is to land some work in the nearish future and so the job hunt has been reinvigorated from it's neglected back burner position from the last couple of weeks.

People keep asking me "How does it feel to be done?!"

...to which I'm still not sure how to answer.  It's mixed, some moments I'm very excited, some I'm scared, some I'm happy and some I'm sad.  There are so many things I can do now, and I know I'll end up helping a lot of people. I'm nervous to start a new job and have new challenges as well as still being unsure if I'm "ready" or not...although I'm as ready as I'm going to be!  I've been so lucky to be a part of my small, tight-knit program...I will miss seeing the people who really became such great friends as much as we have in the past 2 years.

Anyway, I want to take the opportunity to set some goals for myself for the upcoming weeks and this summer:

1. Get a job.  No, get a great job.  I want something I enjoy doing, population I enjoy working with, shortish commute, good pay, the potential to grow clinically and ultimately get licensed at the end of the mandatory 2 years.

2. Take the Licensing exam in my state.  My goal is to take that this summer to get it out of the way, so that I'll be licensed eligible. (Licensing after 2 years means that I can practice on my own, vs. under another clinician's supervision).

3.  Read a ton of books.  I haven't had much time to read for fun in the last 2 years, aside for on breaks.  There are some books I already have that I can start to pour into, but I'm really open to some must read suggestions, let me know your thoughts!  (I have Russell Brand's "My Booky Wook" staring at me from my book pile right now...maybe he can help teach me how to improve on #7?  You know you're in trouble for some good reading when you turn to Russell Brand for guidance and brain food.)

4.  Keep up with my running.   I've been doing pretty well since I posted about getting my run on.  I try to run 3-4 times a week, and I try and run about 2-4 miles a run...while this ain't no marathon it's a huge improvement from when I started up again a couple of months back.

5.  Start my yoga practice (haha).  I think I could benefit from the moving mediation and my body is still stressed coming off the school year, an needing some stretching out...If you are local to me and have a yoga class you like, let me know I'd like to join you.

6.  Be more financially responsible and thus stable.  I'm in the brainstorming stages on how I can do this...Hoping this summer is focused on saving myself some money, setting myself up for fiscal stability in the nearish future.  I hope to maintain an active, fun and social life while not spending as if the government is still paying for me (thank you direct student loans, and I curse you too).

7.  Be more silly.  I've noticed, as well as been told, that I take things too seriously.  I mean I'm a joker, I joke around a lot...whether or not I'm funny is another question, but I'm very sarcastic and joking is part of my personality...but what I mean is being able to let go.  I'm working on being less, I'll say, controlling for the lack of a better way to say it.  Like for instance, typically I get really annoyed when I'm trying to play a game with friends and people aren't paying attention, or people are having side conversations and holding the game up.  But the reality is, who cares? The fun part is that we're hanging out playing a game.  Simple example but maybe you catch my drift.

8.  Stop being so hard on myself.  I had a wonderful conversation with one of my best friends last week and she pointed out that I have a hard time letting those close to me know when things aren't alright.  I mean I blog, obviously, but when people ask me how I'm doing, if it's not in the heat of the moment of challenge, I'm always "fine".  She let me know that I can afford to be more open with things aren't great, and that my friends are really here for me when I need them...which I knew, but is so nice to hear since I don't often take people up on the opportunity to vent, cry, etc.  She also noted that even when I was talking about stuff that was hard for me right now, that I qualified it with "well we all have tough stuff going on".  I guess I allow other people to have hard things going on, but dismiss myself when I do.

9.  Figure out more fun things for my list.

10.  Enjoy some down time.  I want to hang by my mom's pool, get to the beach, hang out with  my friends, take some alone time, do some camping, be out in nature, eat healthy yummy foods...sleep in sometimes...While I need to keep some structure, and I have to make money, I want to allow myself some time to relax and rejuvenate, now that I can.

Remember the old yearbook phrase H.A.G.S. (have a good summer)?  It's simple, but I'm bringing it back.  Who know we were so wise as middle-schoolers?

Until next time,
E

life is about changing...

So for the first time, in essentially my whole life, I have no idea what I'll be doing next. I feel like I'm a bit off track

Preschool leads to kindergarten.
Kindergarten leads to grade school.
Grade school leads to the awkward years of middle school.
Middle school leads to starting to find self and high school.
High school is an attempt at prepping you for college.
College leads to career.

Career leads to change in career?
Masters leads to...

As some of you know that until next week (internship ends) I do therapy with college students. Many of my seniors are not sure what they will do for careers or their first job. Many of them agen't sure if they want to stay in this area or explore other parts of the world. Some of them are in panic mode and some are pretending to be calm and collected.

I was fortunate to graduate with a job after undergrad in advertising. I didn't have the anxiety of "what's next?"...despite the not great starting salary, financial independence was in sight.

When I decided to change careers, I did just that...decided. I applied and made the change, and while this had its challenges and scary moments I at least "knew" what was ahead.

So now I'm a later twenty-something and I'm in the same boat as many of my seniors who are 22.

I don't have a job laid out and nailed down, I don't have a solid plan on where I'd really like to be, although likely for cost and whatnot, I'll likely stay fairly local...although there are things that feel like they could pull me elsewhere.

Unlike undergrad I don't have financial stability in sight, though I know that I will, I just have to be patient.

Despite not being too worried (faking some calm and collectedness) I am feeling a bit anxious about being cast into the ether and starting from scratch.

I have one week from today until my graduate career is over, I will now have some letters that come after my name, and other than direct loan bills and a diploma that will sit in a $150 frame, I won't have too much to show for it...yet.

I am beyond excited to find my niche, find a setting where I'm around like-minded people, work with amazing clients who while they struggle can be infinitely inspiring...

So I rest assured that this will come, maybe not right away but that is my trajectory.

So why am I still worried? Well you may not know this but I'm human. Big changes and the unknown can be scary and unnerving despite being exciting and important.

I've been paying extra attention to what I tell my seniors about managing expectations and balancing this with having high goals for themselves, as well as trusting that they can make good things happen for themselves and that worst case they can actually make other changes should it not pan out. I've been paying attention because frankly I've been convincing myself this will be okay. It will be better than okay.

There was a country song that I remember from growing up (my step dad and mom listened a lot) that touched me even then...the song progresses through someone's life, with good and bad things such as love and loss...a line that really is important is

"Life is about changing, nothing ever stays the same."

There is great beauty and wisdom in this...

So if I'm living life, accepting change and moving forward, I suppose I'm not as off track as I thought.

Until next time,
E

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Doing yoga and not being pretentious.

I'm hoping that isn't tough to accomplish.

It is my understanding that the point of yoga is to marry body and mind, stretch your muscles and even combine it with psychotherapy as an exponentially benefiting treatment.

Then tell me why a yoga t-shirt (to its credit: it’s that really thin, soft cotton with a pretty Zen logo on it) was over $140 at the retreat center I was at this weekend? And also, explain to me why people who do yoga claim it as their practice: "I've had my yoga practice for 12 years".  It actually took me until this weekend to realize this meant this person has been practicing yoga for 12 years, versus owning/running a studio.

I guess by that logic I've had a running practice or even a TV watching practice for many, many years...but no one seems impressed by this.

So what happened to the Zen, mother earth and self-care authenticity of yoga as a moving mediation, as it was for the last couple thousands of years? The Dalai Lama must be pissed.

Don't get me wrong, the introduction I got to yoga this weekend was great, I really enjoyed it especially in the context of psychology.  The workshop I was at this weekend was centered on Tal Ben Shahar's (hailing from Harvard) work with combining yoga, positive psychology and mindfulness to maximize therapeutic effects (physically, emotionally and mentally).  

Instead of going into all of the psychobabble, I will just tip my hat to the amazing weekend of teachings and say that I thought it was enlightening.  His take on life as well as understanding of the brain and what helps people make changes is helpful for my personal pursuit of being happier, healthier and more fulfilled, as well as helping to inform better therapy for my clients (if you are interested in the psychobabble and clinical applications, let me know). I recommend you pick up his books, specifically Happier.

Frankly, I'm just introspective enough mixed with expensive taste that the potential affluent community yoga could foster is even partially appealing, if I'm being completely honest with you.  In that vein, I'm surprised I didn't come to yoga sooner...

Of course I don't think all of you who "have a yoga practice" are snotty folks walking around in draping clothing and comfy stretch pants (although I could totally get used to that wardrobe, let me tell you)…but it does make me wonder about what it would mean for me to do yoga.  Would I be doing yoga for my own health and benefit? Would I be doing it to be part of the in in crowd?

Something that I've heard from others, who also haven't dipped their toe into the yoga pond yet, is that they feel intimidated.  I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and she was saying "I'm too nervous to go to a class, it makes me anxious", which I totally understand.  Before I had done a couple classes, my mental picture of it was that it was almost like taking ballet:  striving for perfection, hitting the poses/positions just right and that it has a slightly competitive nature between you and the others in the class.  

My understanding is there are some studios like this, but also that many are (like the one I was a this weekend) about allowing yourself to be human, pushing yourself when you feel you can/want to, and really getting comfortable with Mountain, Happy Babby, Warrior, Pigeon, or whatever.

So where does this all leave me?  Well it leaves me with wanting to do yoga but not wanting to feel intimidated.  Ultimately I don't want my yoga experiences to land me feeling badly about my dwindled flexibility (from my gymnastics days), the fact that I can't hold some of the balancing positions very well yet and that I'm not a twiggy ballerina. 

It looks like I'll have to shop around and find a studio that is down to earth...at least until I'm good enough to be pretentious about it.

Until next time,

E

saying bye to my past year

I had a tough day today.  It was one of those days where it felt like every. little. thing. is going wrong.

I didn’t sleep well, I overslept, I didn’t get to eat breakfast, I was rushing and dropped my phone as I left my apt and the screen shattered, I missed the bus, the next bus was slow and got caught in traffic, I was late to class and had to wait what feels like forever to get coffee into my system…

I also was feeling particularly overwhelmed with the amount of work I have to do in the next 10 days, since I’ll be going away this weekend and wont have the opportunity to do catch up…so all in all, it was just one of those days.

I have to admit, though it’s embarrassing, I was sad today.  It is embarrassing because I have this visceral negative response to being sad, I don’t like it. I much prefer to be happy and laugh and I even prefer to be angry.  Sad, is just, well, a sad place to be. 

I’m not completely sure why I was sad but I bet it has something to do with feeling overwhelmed, not being quite in the place I want to be at this point (you know like having a sweet job, sweet boyfriend, sweet everything) and that I just feel like I’ve had a couple tough years, and I want to catch a break.

Oh, and my birthday is tomorrow.  Maaaybe that has something to do with it.

So, I’m now another year older, and hopefully wiser… I’m hoping that what is in store for me is not more of what felt like was a negative culmination of the year today (like broken things and a lot of stress); but instead a time of great growth, happiness, love, prosperity, health for myself and those around me and a much needed break.  A break from loss, a break from disappointment, a break from the realities of being an adult while becoming more of an adult…

What do you think?

Yah, I know.  Frankly, I’ll take those things as long as the other positive things come with it.

I’m more ready than ever for great things to happen, and while it’s scary and sad that school is coming to an end, I have to find a job, I have a lot of gray hair and no man to speak of…I actually think things will start to shift. 

So I’m putting out the intention (not to get all The Secret on you) that this year will be a fantastic year for me; with a lot of new beginnings, great learnings, continued health of myself, health and happiness for those in my life and for some of the big pieces of my life to finally fall into place.

There...it’s done!  I'm saying bye to my past year...and hello to my next! :)

Cheers!

Until next time,

The New and Improved E

The Trials and Tribulations of Spring Cleaning: Clothes

I'm in need of clothes I like, and instead I have drawers and a closet full of stuff I either don't wear anymore, or that needs to be thrown out since it looks like it's been worn by someone weekly, since 1974.

Because I don't have a clear sense on what I really have, and before I blow a bunch of money on new stuff that suits me, it has become increasingly clear that I'm better off starting by getting rid of the useless stuff.  While it will feel like I have "less" it will just be easier to find my go-to favorites, and I'll have less trouble closing the overflowing drawer of tank tops I have.

So I think I would end up with 3 piles that I'd need to figure out what to do with:

Trash:

• I love this, I wore it to death, and now it wouldn't even suffice as a layering piece it's so worn out. 
• This is misshapen/stained/ripped/I inadvertently shrunk it in the dryer and even a 4 year old couldn't fit into it now.

Donate:

• This doesn't fit me anymore/I don't like it anymore and it's in good shape, someone might be okay with buying it for cheap.
• This is a quality item but I have no use for it, someone might buy it for a bit more at a nice thrift shop.

Not sure what to do:

• This has sentimental value and I'm not sure I can part with it, but I'm never going to put it on, or wear it outside of my apartment such as endless amount of promotional t-shirts...the most comfortable and/or funny ones I do wear when I run (my Miller "I tapped that glass" t-shirt is always a crowd pleaser).
• I like this but haven't had the opportunity to wear it in a while, an I can't anticipate when I will wear it, did I mention I think I like it?
• This USED to fit me, and I really like it.  It is now too small, and I hope I'll be thin enough one day to wear it again.
• This USED to fit me.  It is now too big, and I hope I never fit into it again...but if I do, I'd rather be miserable due to my weight, versus miserable to have to go out and buy new "bigger" things.

The not sure what to do pile is where I get stumped, not as clear cut as trash/donate.

Do you have recommendations of good organizations that take clothing donations that are a fundamentally good company/charity/etc?

Should I just donate everything versus worrying about a couple higher end things for a thrifty/nicer second hand store?

Do you have recommendations on how to decide to purge/keep those hard to part with items?

Feedback is much appreciated!   Thanks y'all...

Until next time,
E

righting a capsized ship

So, I go to therapy.  It’s my opinion (more than ever since I started getting my own) that every therapist should get some therapy at some points during their careers.  The value of it is to understand what it is to be a therapy client, continue to work and grow as a human and a clinician, as well as working on managing carrying the weight of many people’s painful/tragic/amazing/wonderful/miraculous life stories…as well as your own.

I also think that there is value in walking the walk.  I think that therapy can help the “worried well” possibly just as much as those with more severe diagnoses or troubles.  When I say worried well (I forget where I heard that term, probably a professor), I mean the people who aren’t compromised by mental health challenges; but the people who could benefit from some objective feedback on things like interpersonal challenges, relationship challenges, managing stress, dealing with loss, etc. 

I mean to be fair, we all experience hardships, no?  I mean if you’re perfect and you have no challenges, and you can’t grow and understand yourself better, then sign yourself up for some studies because you are really one of the rare specimens…

Anyway, enough of that soap box (though I strongly suggest it for anyone)…

I was walking home from my therapy appointment today and stopped on the way at Trader Joes to pick up some yummy dinner stuff for the rest of the week (I’m newly obsessed with their Thai and Indian frozen food). 

I had my Pandora playing while I was in TJ’s as it makes the shopping experience less stressful, since there were about 372 other people in there.  While it was distracting I wasn’t actually paying attention to the songs that were playing.  It was acting as my buffer to all the stimuli of the people in the store so I could get in and get out.  I wanted to be in myself a little after the session I had.

I had talked about some recent disappointments that had come up, and I don’t know about you…but disappointment is one of the hardest things for me to experience.  I typically make decisions or am strategic enough that I avoid disappointment for the most part, but when it hits me I have a hard time with it.

Disappointment is this funny thing where it can knock the wind out of your sails in a different way than sadness, because it means that there was an expectation that wasn’t met, or a hope that wasn’t realized.  The vision of something that could have been, is no longer. 

We all have this feeling from time to time, but I guess what is important is what we do with it.  Do we take it and let it throw us off course?  Do we ignore it, breeze past it and distract ourselves with whatever expectation/hope is on the horizon?  Maybe what’s healthy is somewhere in the middle…some sort of acknowledgment and then, letting it go.

On my walk home it began to rain, which it has been doing on and off for the last day or so, and in that moment instead of pulling out my umbrella I keyed into the music that was playing in my ears.  Sometimes I’m not really listening, like in TJ’s, when I’m distracted, or its just quietly in the background…but in this moment I was locked into the song that was playing. 

It was a fairly upbeat song, which almost compelled me to kind of dance down the sidewalk with my groceries, but seeing as I’m not in a perpetual music video (where all the other people on the sidewalk would join in…and we would sing and dance in the rain…ever have that fantasy?) I just added some more rhythm to my strut, rather subconsciously.

Anywho.  The next song was a bit slower, which made me listen to the words.  The words were something I can’t even remember now a couple hours later, since the connection I had with them was fleeting. In the moment I thought, “How does Pandora know what I’m thinking?”.

I don’t really think that, but you know that feeling when a song comes on the radio and it is exactly what you needed in that moment.  It clarified something for me and in that moment there was relief about the things I was worrying about.

I mean there is a chicken-egg effect of mood on music, and music on mood…this is why I tell my clients who have a hard time regulating their moods, or are easily triggered into a negative mood “if you’re feeling sad, steer clear of sad music…if you’re angry, something soothing may be a good bet”.  Regardless, the song was helpful.

By the time I was home, I was decompressed from my session, had an extra bounce in my step, but most importantly I also had allowed myself the time to feel disappointed, and then that was it.

Like I typically do, I’m back to baseline, feeling pretty good, had some Thai food, I might have a glass of wine and clean my room…maybe get some work done, I don’t know, I don’t know if I’ll have enough time…

There is relief in letting yourself feel things that you typically fight off.  There is a release in allowing yourself some space to feel it, and a sense of accomplishment when you allow yourself move past/out of it.

I’ll say that aside from my nature; a walk and some good music (don’t forget good food and a glass or red) are part of the equation for righting my capsized ship, and sailing forward.

With these disappointments I’ve been alluding to (both work and personal life related), I have a clean slate on a couple aspects of my life...and that is actually exciting.  You know what they say; when one porthole closes…

Until next time,
E

in the age of digital conversations

I feel like I reference my Ethics class a lot, and I guess I'm learning more in that class (or it brings up more interesting topics) than I realize when I'm sitting in class frustrated by the debate ensuing.  In Ethics this week we hit on the subject matter of people doing therapy online, since that is one of the main routes that people communicate these days, and it is only increasing.

We watched a clip of Lisa Kudro's funny online series of some fake video chat therapy to jump start the discussion (there are really therapists who do this, I assume they are better than her).  We also talked about email therapy, online chat therapy in a chat room forum, etc.

This brought up a myriad of opinions and while I can see both sides of the coin here, I think online therapy is something I'm not ready to embrace yet for myself (as a client nor as a therapist).

What this also brought up, was the professor's point that we (my current generation, and the ones who are even younger) are much more able to openly communicate online.  The irony is not lost on me...here I am writing a pseudo anonymous blog, where I feel I can be fairly open.  I'm also being very conscious of the details I give, and balancing the content with vagueness.  I do also spend a decent amount of time checking Facebook, which I wish I did less of.  I've started to do less simply because I've gotten lazy and post less pictures, but also because school/internship/life has been so busy that I'm checking more on the go on my Droid vs. hanging out on my computer.

So I agree, I think that we are typically more open to talk about tough things in type form (gchat, text, fb, blogging, etc) and this week has been a really good example for me.

This week has brought up several of what I'll call "tough" conversations.  Two were via text, one was on the phone and one was in person.

The text message conversations were about two topics that I might not have approached if I had less liquid courage, but instead of waking up feeling like "shit, why did I text them!?" I lucked out that I was instead able to get some direct and clarifying responses that I needed.

The challenge was that it was addressing things that I had a feeling I wasn't going to get the news I wanted to hear, but I now know the situations and I'm not in this limbo anymore of not knowing (although often the limbo "feels" better since it allows some hope or possibility of change, though I'd argue it ultimately doesn't).  I likely wouldn't have been able to have either of those conversations in person, comfortably...and had I waited longer to be direct, I would just continue kidding myself.

I had a nerve wracking conversation on the phone with a potential employer that I'm excited about; where I had to be very direct and ask for what I need in order to make the situation a fit for the employers, and for myself.  I had a moment where thought about sending an email instead (only because that would be "easier" than having a voice-to-voice conversation) but I think that there would have been too much room for miscommunication, and I wanted to make it clear I was appreciative and that the things we were discussing were coming from a genuine place in me.  I didn't want to risk those points not being communicated properly.

I think that no matter the outcome, this was important that I had a phone conversation versus an email exchange.

The "tough" conversation in person was with my grandparents and some other family members about how we feel about heirlooms and what in the house I want when they are gone (meaning my grandparents).  I realized more concretely have a hard time thinking "oh, I want that" since it implies that I want some sort of material gain at the expense of a loved one being around.

I know that it isn't directly what it means, and that my grandparents find great joy in knowing that this antique or this thing from their great grand mother goes to someone who appreciates it, but I realized I had a hard time talking about it.  The conversation also went to some of their fears and frustrations about getting older, changes in physical and mental capacity, and the like.  My grandmother brought me around the house and we looked at mementos, pictures, art and plates and she gave me a family history lesson.  I think we both enjoyed it.

Overall the topics of the day with them were tough and in a lot of ways were sad, but really it was such a fruitful time spent with them.  I've been really happy to spend more time with them lately.

So I guess my point is, that some conversations I feel are important to just get out of the way in the most painless way possible (texting at 2am perhaps?) and others warrant a phone call.  I'd say when the opportunity is there, sometimes pushing yourself to have in-person conversations, even if they are challenging, are still fundamental and ultimately are so much more rewarding.

Let us continue to use online/text/email connections as merely supplemental to our in-person connections, or when we can't be in person (which is why these routes of communication are amazing and valuable still!)...so that as the generations grow, and ultimately technology grows, we don't forget how to have meaningful communication and connections in person (or they are going to need to come up with way more emoticons).

How do you typically have hard to approach conversations?

Until next time,
E