Beggars Can Be Choosers, I Hope

Things are trucking along since the world didn't end, the next Bachelorette has started and the rain has subsided*...right?

Eh.

Okay I'll do my best not to be over dramatic because really nothing terrible is happening...but I'm feeling stuck in my "poor me" time, and figured I'd get it out and then get the fahk over it.

I'll start with the good stuff...I did it! I graduated with my masters!  I feel very happy and proud, and I'm glad that the chapter has closed. I feel ready to take on what is next.  It of course was a bitter sweet ending, there are some people I'll miss seeing all the time from the program, I miss seeing some of the clients I saw over the last year or so, and it's just so hard to believe that 2 years flew by so quickly.

Now what do I have to show for it? A fancy degree in an overly expensive frame...and this eagerness to find a sweet job that I haven't been able to satiate yet.

Based upon all my hard work, I really feel I deserve to find a job that I enjoy, get excited about, and get paid more than when I worked at a video store in high school.

We all grew up with the idea (from movies, typically) that therapists are (crazy) folks that make good money and don't work very hard because they just sit there being all like "uh huh" and "how does that make you feel?"...but frankly being some one's therapist is a great deal of challenging work...and you don't get paid very well considering the responsibilities (at least until you are seasoned and have your own practice).

Imagine 6-7 people a day, for 50 minutes each, unloading their fears, hopes, addictions, dreams, shattered dreams, trauma, stories of falling in love, heart break, excitement, confusion, frustration, secrets, thoughts of suicide etc on you.  Even if all you did was listen, it's still draining.  The rewarding parts of the work far outweigh the challenges (or else no one would do it) but it's a challenging job working with people to keep themselves healthy, safe and happier. 

My point isn't to make you impressed with the work I do, simply to make the point that being paid decently and validated in that way is important.

Trust me I am not looking to get rich here or I'd consider things like finance, commercial real estate or stripping/gambling. I love the work but I'm just not convinced that it's too much to ask that to make enough money to pay rent, have a decent/reliable car and save a little extra (after I pay out my beer fund). 

This brings me to where I'm at a bit of a stalemate (one of them, anyway).  I got my second job offer for a therapist position today.  Yay! Well, kind of.  So it's a huge compliment and is validating that I've been offered a job, never mind two, however I have to admit I'm disappointed.

I left the interview on Tuesday feeling so great about the clinic, the director and the setting...I literally drove home with a huge smile on my face and squealed a couple times out of excitement.  So to say that I was pumped is an understatement.  Today my offer came, and while it's fantastic that I could have a job, they offered me not very much money as it is their starting rate.

Without getting into the details, it doesn't even get to the low end of the range of what I'm willing to take for an income.  BUMMER.  So I worked some of my negotiation magic, and I'm waiting to see if the spell took hold.  I should know some time next week.  Now that I've talked about it who knows what will turn up.  Until then, I'm biting my tongue.
 
I just felt completely deflated today.  This job was more in line with my needs than the first job offer I got, which was also less than I wanted to take in terms of salary, but getting more of what I need is still a good progression.  Both jobs are "good" jobs...and I wouldn't be stupid for having taken the first one and definitely not if I take this one.  But I also want to weigh what is important to me.  Beggars can be choosers, I hope.

Should this particular job not work out, I'm at least learning more and more about what I want and what I need...but damn it I just want it to work out. (For my life right now you could substitute the word job here with "man", "living situation", "lottery ticket" etc).

Also, I've thought "should I just take it?", "am I being too picky?", "am I being realistic?".  This is not my nature at all to question these things however I have felt especially uneasy about this big transition.

Seeing as I am no longer going to be paying rent for a few months, I can "afford" to wait...but I'm not sure what I'll do, to be honest.  I think it's a typical experience in most senses - the dance of, do I take something now so I know I have a job, or do I wait, and possibly wait for a while?

I suppose this is a silly thing to complain about (wah wah, I can have a job but I might not take it, poor me...), it feels stupid to even write about it.

But really I just feel like this is one more thing in my life that I just want to work.  I'm sick of having to be so patient for things to pan out, or for all the puzzle pieces to come together.  I just want it to resolve with something fantastic so I can look back and say I made the right decisions, this is a good thing, I'm happy...

I'm not worried (much).  I know it will happen.  Essentially I'm frustrated and don't enjoy feeling like thing are out of my hands, especially big things that can make such a large impact on me.

Ah well, I'm sure the end of next week will have brought about world of changes and updates, and I might as well stay open to whatever that is at this point.  I'll keep y'all posted (obviously).

Until next time,
E

*PS. I got some funny/great feedback about the umbrella commentary (in person and in emails), don't be afraid to comment on the actual blog so people can see it folks!

PPS.  Thank you to all of you that reached out with congratulations over the last week or so, and for the warm feedback about my blog...really means a lot!