Are you as happy as you could be?

In the last couple of weeks, the topic that has come up many times has been happiness.  A friend of mine, and fellow blogger, was talking about how she has been MIA on the web "because I'm happy, I have nothing to say when I'm happy." One of our friends has actually talked about her song writing ability and the effect of happiness.  She is more creative perhaps when she isn't happy, or when love is a cause of heart ache versus excitement.  She says, "Happy songs can feel cheesy".  Even a fellow peer who is seeing a client who is an artist, shared that the client feels that his art is more authentic when he's not happy.

So, I got to thinking.  I'm feeling fairly creative, life is challenging but overall pretty good, and I think I'm happy...right?

I was at the bookstore two weekends ago, and this book jumped out at me, "The Happiness Project"by Gretchen Rubin.  The premise is a woman who has a good life and is happy overall, but was seeking out the secrets to her increased happiness.  She did research on everything from what Aristotle had to say on the matter to people like Abraham Lincoln and Oprah.  So for my staycation that I had last week, I figured why not work on my own happiness?

In addition to reading this book, I've been much better running, and hope to continue it.  I've made an effort to see people that I don't normally get to see, like my grandparents, and I've managed to have a fun time with friends at the bar and even just hanging around at a coffee shop (like I am today).  Overall I'd say I felt pretty happy last week during my break, and though this week has been kind of a roller coaster with getting back into the swing of things, job interviews and the like, overall my mood has still been lifted.  Amazing what time away from school and internship will do.

I realized after getting into it, the book is in the same vein of the "self help" type, but it's very light and easy to read...and who can't use a little extra help?  She has woven a lot of interesting facts, quotes and tidbits in a seamless, bloglike fashion.  It's pretty interesting how similar things are for us all; having clutter, the things we avoid doing, the arguments we get into and other simple things that can add to our stresses and take our happiness down a notch.

I took a keen interest in a lot of the quotes she used and flagged them (as you can see) as reminders for sharing with my clients as well as for myself and thought I would share some of my "favorites" or things that hit home because at times it felt like I was reading my own story in her book.

Some of the things I thought were interesting were "no brainers", some were quotes from other intellectuals, some were things that I felt I needed improvement on or thought of a client the idea might help, and some things well, just made me take pause.

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The following are all quoted from The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. Please read through, you might like something you see.

• The opposite of happiness is unhappiness, not depression.
• Benjamin Franklin is one of the patron saints of self-realization and identified 13 virtues he wanted to cultivate: temperance, silence, order, resolution, frugality, industry, sincerity, justice, moderation, cleanliness, tranquility, chastity and humility
• People are more likely to make progress on goals that are broken into concrete, measurable actions with some kind of structured accountability and positive reinforcement.
• Neitzsche wrote: All truly great thoughts are conceived while walking.
• The One Minute Rule: Don't postpone any task that could be done in less than one minute.
• Happy people find it easier to get and stay married, happy people make better dates and easier spouses 
• Hugging for 6 seconds is the minimum time necessary to promote the flow of oxytocin and serotonin, mood-boosting chemicals that promote bonding.
• Research shows that how people fight, matters more than how much they fight.  Couples who fight right tackle only one difficult topic at a time, avoid bombs like "you always"/"you never", and they make repair attempts
• In practically every language there are more concepts to describe negative emotions than positive emotions
• Women have more feelings of empathy for other people than men do (though women and men have about the same degree of empathy for animals).  For both men and women, the most reliable predictor of not being lonely is the amount of contact with women. Time spent with men doesn't make a difference.
• There is no love, there are only proofs of love.  Whatever love I might feel in my heart, others will only see my actions.
• This is one of the many paradoxes of happiness: we seek to control our lives, but the unfamiliar and the unexpected are important sources of happiness.
• Novelty requires more work from the brain, dealing with novel situations evokes more intense emotional responses and makes the passage of time seem slower and richer.
• In his book "Happier", Tal Ben-Shahar describes the "arrival fallacy,"; the belief that when you arrive at a certain destination, you'll be happy.
• People remember events better when they fit with their present mood, happy people remember happy events better, and depressed people remember sad events better.  Depressed people have as many nice experiences as other people, they just don't recall them as well.
• The four stages of happiness garnered from an experiences: we must anticipate it, savor it as it unfolds, express happiness and recall a happy memory of the experience
• I tended to overrate the fun activities that I didn't do, and underrate my own inclinations.  I felt like things that other people enjoyed were more valuable, more cultured...more, well, legitimate.
• Where there is no wood, the fire goes out; and where there is no talebearer, strife ceases. Proverbs 26:20
• People's lives are far more complicated than they appear from the outside. Cut people slack.
• I tried to remember not to judge people harshly, especially on the first or second encounter.  Their actions might not reveal their enduring character but instead reflect some situation they find themselves in.  Forbearance is a form of generosity.
• Choose not to take things personally.
• Be loving and love will find you.
• Help is everywhere.
• What would I do if I weren't scared?
• If you can't get out of it, get into it.
• Satisficers, are those who make a decision or take action once their criteria are met.  That doesn't mean they'll settle for mediocrity; their criteria can be very high, but as soon as they find the the hotel, pasta sauce, or the business card that has the qualities they want, they're satisfied.
• Maximizers want to make the optimal decision.  Even if they see a bicycle or a backpack that meets their requirements, they can't make a decision until after they've examined every option, so they can make the best possible choice.
• A few years ago, my sister gave me a box of beautiful stationary for my birthday. I loved it, but I'd never used it.  When I was mailing some photos to the grandparents, I hesitated to use the new stationary because I was "saving" it; but to what better use could it be put? Of course I should use those notes.  Spend out.
• I would have great ideas in the future and so should use my best stuff now.  Pouring out ideas is better for creativity than doling them out by the teaspoon.
• Spending out creates a wealth of love and tenderness, while calculation and score keeping build resentment.
• So often it is only after some calamity strikes that we appreciate what we have.  
• Keeping a one sentence journal: place to record the fleeting moments that make life sweet but that so easily vanish from memory.
• Cherish health and appreciating ordinary life
• In one study, people's sense of life satisfaction changed dramatically depending on whether they completed sentences starting "I'm glad I'm not..." or instead "I wish I was..."
• Gratitude brings freedom from envy, because when you are grateful for what you have, you're not consumed with wanting something different or something more.
• Each day I noted three things for which I was grateful.
• It takes energy, generosity and discipline to be unfailingly lighthearted, yet everyone takes the happy person for granted.
• For many people, fear of what might happen is a source of great unhappiness.
• Use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without.
• People succeed in groups.  Other's successes help us to be more successful.
• A small child typically laughs more than 400 times a day, and an adult-17 times.  
• I vowed to find things funny, to laugh out loud, and to appreciate other people's humor.  No more polite smiling; no more rushing to tell my story before the laughter has died after a friend's funny story; no more reluctance to be joshed and teased.
• To be more agreeable and kind, I needed to use better manners as a conversationalist.  I was a know-it-all: "A really interesting feature of Angela Thirkell's novels is that she sets them in Barsetshire". I was a topper: "you think you had a crazy morning, let me tell you about my morning.  I was a deflator: "you liked that movie? I thought it was kind of boring".
• Giving positive reviews requires humility.

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I might even work on my own "happiness project", and maybe in a way I already have by starting this blog, by changing careers, by traveling, by trying to be a good friend etc.  In a couple of weeks, I might even go on a weekend  "retreat" that focuses on combining yoga with positive psychology, to get a boost, and expand my clinical knowledge.

What would you do for your happiness project?

I recommend reading the book (seriously, it's a quick read) if you're searching for a good dose of ideas on what might help you to be happier, and even if you only walk away with a few things you've learned, it can't hurt.  

Wishing you and yours an abundance of happiness.

Until next time,

E