righting a capsized ship

So, I go to therapy.  It’s my opinion (more than ever since I started getting my own) that every therapist should get some therapy at some points during their careers.  The value of it is to understand what it is to be a therapy client, continue to work and grow as a human and a clinician, as well as working on managing carrying the weight of many people’s painful/tragic/amazing/wonderful/miraculous life stories…as well as your own.

I also think that there is value in walking the walk.  I think that therapy can help the “worried well” possibly just as much as those with more severe diagnoses or troubles.  When I say worried well (I forget where I heard that term, probably a professor), I mean the people who aren’t compromised by mental health challenges; but the people who could benefit from some objective feedback on things like interpersonal challenges, relationship challenges, managing stress, dealing with loss, etc. 

I mean to be fair, we all experience hardships, no?  I mean if you’re perfect and you have no challenges, and you can’t grow and understand yourself better, then sign yourself up for some studies because you are really one of the rare specimens…

Anyway, enough of that soap box (though I strongly suggest it for anyone)…

I was walking home from my therapy appointment today and stopped on the way at Trader Joes to pick up some yummy dinner stuff for the rest of the week (I’m newly obsessed with their Thai and Indian frozen food). 

I had my Pandora playing while I was in TJ’s as it makes the shopping experience less stressful, since there were about 372 other people in there.  While it was distracting I wasn’t actually paying attention to the songs that were playing.  It was acting as my buffer to all the stimuli of the people in the store so I could get in and get out.  I wanted to be in myself a little after the session I had.

I had talked about some recent disappointments that had come up, and I don’t know about you…but disappointment is one of the hardest things for me to experience.  I typically make decisions or am strategic enough that I avoid disappointment for the most part, but when it hits me I have a hard time with it.

Disappointment is this funny thing where it can knock the wind out of your sails in a different way than sadness, because it means that there was an expectation that wasn’t met, or a hope that wasn’t realized.  The vision of something that could have been, is no longer. 

We all have this feeling from time to time, but I guess what is important is what we do with it.  Do we take it and let it throw us off course?  Do we ignore it, breeze past it and distract ourselves with whatever expectation/hope is on the horizon?  Maybe what’s healthy is somewhere in the middle…some sort of acknowledgment and then, letting it go.

On my walk home it began to rain, which it has been doing on and off for the last day or so, and in that moment instead of pulling out my umbrella I keyed into the music that was playing in my ears.  Sometimes I’m not really listening, like in TJ’s, when I’m distracted, or its just quietly in the background…but in this moment I was locked into the song that was playing. 

It was a fairly upbeat song, which almost compelled me to kind of dance down the sidewalk with my groceries, but seeing as I’m not in a perpetual music video (where all the other people on the sidewalk would join in…and we would sing and dance in the rain…ever have that fantasy?) I just added some more rhythm to my strut, rather subconsciously.

Anywho.  The next song was a bit slower, which made me listen to the words.  The words were something I can’t even remember now a couple hours later, since the connection I had with them was fleeting. In the moment I thought, “How does Pandora know what I’m thinking?”.

I don’t really think that, but you know that feeling when a song comes on the radio and it is exactly what you needed in that moment.  It clarified something for me and in that moment there was relief about the things I was worrying about.

I mean there is a chicken-egg effect of mood on music, and music on mood…this is why I tell my clients who have a hard time regulating their moods, or are easily triggered into a negative mood “if you’re feeling sad, steer clear of sad music…if you’re angry, something soothing may be a good bet”.  Regardless, the song was helpful.

By the time I was home, I was decompressed from my session, had an extra bounce in my step, but most importantly I also had allowed myself the time to feel disappointed, and then that was it.

Like I typically do, I’m back to baseline, feeling pretty good, had some Thai food, I might have a glass of wine and clean my room…maybe get some work done, I don’t know, I don’t know if I’ll have enough time…

There is relief in letting yourself feel things that you typically fight off.  There is a release in allowing yourself some space to feel it, and a sense of accomplishment when you allow yourself move past/out of it.

I’ll say that aside from my nature; a walk and some good music (don’t forget good food and a glass or red) are part of the equation for righting my capsized ship, and sailing forward.

With these disappointments I’ve been alluding to (both work and personal life related), I have a clean slate on a couple aspects of my life...and that is actually exciting.  You know what they say; when one porthole closes…

Until next time,
E