Today would be my dad's birthday. He would have turned 76 today (holy cow). It's been just over 4 years since he passed away. Crazy how time flies, at the same time it feels like a lifetime ago. With Father's day this upcoming weekend, I'm sure I'll be thinking of him and my step-dad a lot.
This weekend we got news that a friend of our's father passed away. Every loss is different, every relationship is different, but when life as you know it changes suddenly, it's terrible. Something that many of us are familiar with. My heart goes out to her and her family at this painful time.
For those of you who have lost someone, or fear losing someone who may be battling with an illness, when you hear of another person's loss it can be quite triggering. Grief is such a profoundly painful and sad experience and it can be illicited by a memory, a sound, a smell, a joke...it's this lingering pain that sits in your chest and chokes up your throat.
I'm by no means a "grief expert". I've experienced a few significant losses, and I lead a grief group for my clients (who lost a significant member of their family - parent, sibling, or best friend) last fall, where I saw some other people's experience in a raw form. While everyone experiences grief in different ways there are the patterns that most people often cycle through, and I'd say it's not a linear path.
The literature says that the grief process is as follows (paraphrased from the Center for Grief & Healing):
- Shock - numbness, sometimes no tears or emotion, denial - this typically gives way to being emotional, but some have a prolonged stage of shock. In our culture when someone is emotionless after a loss, it can be unsettling, but is part of the process for many people.
- Emotional Release - person begins to feel the pain, important in these moments to not suppress the feelings or they surface later in unhealthy way. This is typically when strong bonds are strengthened and the sharing of these emotions is healing.
- Preoccupation with the Deceased or the Crisis - grieving person finds it difficult to not think about this person, typically dissipates over time
- Symptoms of Some Physical and Emotional Distress - this may come in different cycles, can look like anxiety, depression, lack of sleep, exhaustion, stomach upset, and others. These feelings are normal physiological effects, and while sometimes they feel alarming they are expected and pass over time.
- Hostile Reactions - anger, frustration, short fuse, this will sometimes catch you off guard. Anger can be directed at anyone, or the person who was lost.
- Guilt - almost always guilt is part of the bereavement process "what could I have done?", "why didn't I just do x?", "why wasn't I able to help?"
- Depression - this isn't considered clinically diagnosed when it is in response to a loss/grief. Typically the low mood of depression and thoughts of hopelessness pass before it becomes a clinical concern.
- Withdrawal - pulling away from social relationships, daily routines are disrupted, "life feels like a bad dream", worth pushing through and being around others during this time, despite it being challenging to do so.
- Resolution and Readjustment - beginning to heal, life is moving forward, acceptance, understanding
While different literature says it in different terms, and combines some stages and breaks others out, you get the idea. It ain't pretty, but they are all normal reactions to a terrible life event like loss.
With losses that I've experienced as well as loved ones' losses, people often don't know what to do for the person grieving.
Some people will recoil and react in what feels like a cold and removed way. This can feel particularly painful when the person is a primary support. Typically this is a reaction of discomfort or fear about what is expected of them, and it may bring up past experiences from their own lives that lay unresolved.
Other people are very hands on and help to take over for the duties of those immediately affected and help with arrangements, continuous support and help out the family immensely.
Most people fall somewhere in the middle, checking in on the loved one who is suffering, offering their help and attending whatever celebrations or ceremonies are being held in the lost one's honor (if at all, some grief is also the loss of a person who has not passed away but is out of their lives, and this becomes complex to resolve and have closure on).
Everyone struggles with what to say. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm so sorry to hear. They were a great person, they lived a great life. This is terrible, their life was cut too short. They will be missed. I'm here for you. I love you.
In my opinion, and take this for what it is, just you being there as a support is what someone will remember.
I don't remember exactly what people said to me when my dad died, I don't know what people said to me when we found out that my step-dad has terminal cancer, but I do remember the friends who sent me cards, I remember the hugs and the phone calls, I remember people checking in on me and I remember the support and love.
So for supporters my suggestion is this...don't worry so much about what you're saying, maybe with this less is more. What is important are the gestures, the hugs, the support, the favors, the checking in.
Even when the hustle and bustle is over...
Keeping in mind the stages above, and the fact that many people cycle through them, some stages are longer and shorter than others, and that every loss is different in terms of scale and effect...you can imagine that 3 weeks post the passing of their loved one is probably not enough time for them to no longer need support.
The challenge is that life does move forward. You as a supporter, or a griever, have your own challenges in your life, you have work, you have responsibilities, and once you're integrated back to your life it can be really difficult to remember that this person you care about is still actively in pain. Making sure that you are still checking in, even if it isn't as frequent is still really important.
Remember anniversaries of some one's passing is also important. As I said, they can bring up happy but also painful memories. In therapy, we see a lot of people who struggle around the anniversaries of some one's death, the time of year even, can be triggering and bring up the emotions from the loss.
I guess what I'm saying is there is no wrong way to be a support as long as you're being an active support. Maintain the closeness and let the person know you're there even after the initial loss, as your loved one still will likely need it.
Take the time to tell those in your life that you love them today. We don't always get reminders to be grateful until something terrible happens, so let this be a reminder instead.
Until next time,
E
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