but who's counting, anyway

I just got home from a field hockey game (more about that in a sec) and I'm so tired and wiped out that I couldn't even bring myself to take my shin guards off for the first hour of being home (part of that might be from also having a great but late-night-filled weekend).

kill bill 1 is on.  score.

I'm feeling old, or at least not in my high school field hockey playing shape (though I'm still wearing my high school gym shorts, go Flyers!).  Likely just the latter, but hard to know.

I'm hungry and can't even get myself to get up to microwave something, I will shortly.  You won't know the difference because this will all post at once...but trust me, I'll eat dinner.

Anyway, I'm playing on a local adult league that my good friend help to round people up for, and we just played our third game...

Some of the people on my team I played with in high school, and I have to say it's been one of the highlights of my week for these last few weeks.

I don't think it's a very fun game to watch, so much stop and go, lots of rules, the whistle blows constantly...aside from the sexy kilts we had to wear (roll up really short) in high school I'm not sure what anyone was doing watching us.

BUT despite all of that it's such a fun sport to play.

We have a small team, there are 7 of us, and we need 7 people on the field.  Your team has to forfeit if we don't have at least 5 at a given game...because of our schedules and the winter colds that I'm sure will come up, we've been playing man down or at least NO subs for each game.

We're talking running/sprinting (then a little walking) back and forth, for two-25 minute halves with a 30 second time out here and there.  I swear it's hard. I may or may not have wanted to vom the first half of the first game...but I managed to keep it together.

Some really nice players from other teams have been offering to play here and there on our team so that for the most part we aren't playing 5 vs. 7 (though its technically a forfeit if we use other players).

I'm not used to doing something that I'm not very good at.

Mind you I'm not being super hard on myself since I haven't played in about 10 years, and I'll improve I'm sure with each game, but it's not an automatic "Oh I kick ass at this".

(mmm Trader Joe's frozen Chicken Tikka Masala)

My default is to seek out things I'm good at, and I'm sure I'm not alone.

I think that despite the fact that I don't totally suck, I'm not the best.  This is tough for me on some levels in general, not even just in field hockey.  It's been teaching me instead to focus on having fun with it and improving myself (mainly my stick handling - insert inappropriate joke here)...versus worrying that I'm letting the team down when I miss the ball, or how I'm not a lead scorer.

I think this is an important exercise (physically and mentally) to push myself to do something that I'm not super wonderful at, and stick to it.  Pun intended.

There is also less pressure when you know you're doing something for the experience versus to impress someone else or to say I'm really good at this. 


Our varsity coach literally drained me of any enjoyment of playing my senior year.

I quit the team with 2 games left (then they went to tournament, damnit) mostly out of principle - aka anger.  I wrote her a letter explaining how she was a super bitch (not those words) and was unfair about not letting me play for many more than the required games, when I missed one for a legit reason, among other things she did that pissed me off.

I was decent, not awesome, but I had a lot of heart, I loved playing and she managed to strip me of this by her coaching "technique".

I say "technique" because it was more like she was militant and was good at making us feel badly about how we played versus encouraging us/inspiring us to dig deeper.  I'm not sure if I'd do it again, or if I'd stick it out to play the last few games now that I realize I was being a moody teenager, but at the time I felt like it was better to tell her she ruined it for me in hopes she wouldn't do that for future kids on her teams.

I'm not saying coaches shouldn't push their team hard and drive them into the ground to a certain extent, but there was an edge to her that just over the course of those seasons scraped away my love and passion for it.

If I had the choice I'd obviously be good at something vs. not, but being so-so is an opportunity to just enjoy it instead of feeling upset by it (like I did 10 years ago).

I'm glad that I have been reintroduced and still love it all these years later...

It is so fun despite our small team, no substitutes, it having been years since most of us played and our 0-3 record as of today, but who's counting, anyway.

We play with a lot of sweating, a lot of laughing and most importantly a lot of heart and it feels like a win to me.

I'm now much more apt to try something I might not be the best at, and I would encourage you to do the same.

(Maybe not the best time to recruit you our team when we play the next league...but I swear we are improving and with more players/subs we would definitely kick ass...if you're interested let me know.   Seriously. Do it.)

Until next time,
a tirEd fiEld hockEy playEr

Thanksgiving Eve - Get your reunion on.

Tomorrow kicks off the holiday season, which as you know, is the whirlwind of money spending, holiday food eating, reuniting and well, drinking.

The night before Thanksiving (Thanksgiving Eve/Reunion Night/Hey, How You Been Night), is when everyone is back in their hometown after sometimes a year or so (unless of course you live there...).  

Most hometowns have their hot spot for Wednesday night where most people congregate for an informal reunion of sorts.  

Since Facebook is what connects us all (check out how FB has made the 7 degrees of seperation...SMALLER), the "need" for this reunion, or the amount that you can talk about is reduced.  I can ask you how you're doing, but the likely case is for the most part I know what part of the city you live in, if you're dating, if you're working, and what your general weight is (and if it's changed) since the last time I saw you.

This makes the Hey, how you been? question a bit less authentic and more small talk than it ever was...and I'm pretty sure it's always been that way, in some capacity.

It is nice, though, to have an excuse to see people from childhood that you don't typically go out of the way of seeing, but I feel the pleasantries are nice and nostalgic.  

For those of you who didn't like high school, maybe you avoid this night all together or it's anxiety provoking because you're not really sure how you'll be received, or you could not care less about the folks going.  I encourage you to go out and give people another shot, who knows who you might connect with.

I enjoy going, I loved high school, actually.  For the most part it is an excuse to see my friends, and an opportunity to connect with people I haven't in ages.  

This year I'm really going to work on being extra non-judgmental.  

I mean typically I'm not really, but I'm hoping that my non-judgement is reciprocated when people ask "so where are you living" and I tell them "around the corner with my mah".  

Maybe they'll have read this by then and not even ask me.  Maybe they'll have read this by then and still ask me and pass judgement.  Either way, we're all in different places in our lives, so F off if you care that much about my financial situation. Okie? :)

Next year around this time (is my guess) we'll be having our official 10 year reunion.  

I just threw up in my mouth a little.  

Yeah, we're getting old.  You know who you are.

Two years ago was the last time that I was willing to go to our Thanksgiving Eve "hotspot" because I realized that some of the people I babysat for when I was younger were drunk and LEGAL to do so, and that everyone looked about 12 years old, and about 90 lbs.  Bleh.

So last year I decided, with friends, to branch out from where we had been going essentially since the middle of college...and it was a much quieter, more adult, you could actually walk around the bar without literally bumping and pushing people who knew you when you were awkward, and overall a more friendly time.  We'll see where we all end up this year, I might feel the need to do a bit of bar/restaurant hopping to get the right feel/combo of people.  We'll see.  

**Also, as a friendly reminder, the next couple days are really dangerous for drunk driving.  Since you'll be home, don't be ashamed to ask Mom or Dad or your little sister to come pick you up...it's better than missing Thanksgiving all-together.  This time of year marks the loss of some people I know as a result of driving accidents, so take care, drink responsibly, and drive safely.**

Speaking of, the holiday season can be anniversaries of things, or bring up memories of things that can be really tough for people.  You would think that it would be all fun and games, but for people who have painful memories of family members who are no longer with us, or remembering  fighting over the dinner table, or remember financial troubles around this time, it can be a tough time.  There are things in my life that have made parts of this season painful, but I refuse to let anything tarnish my Thanksgiving day, I will only let it be enjoyable.

Thanksgiving happens to be my favorite holiday, mostly because of the stuffing (which I'm not even sure I can eat, more about this in a post coming soon).  A couple of my cousins won't be making it this year, but otherwise for the most part my whole mom's side of the family gets together and eats and drinks and enjoys our time.  

My grandmother always asks us to go around and share what we're thankful for which makes us squirm a little, but frankly we need to do this. We need to remember what we're thankful for.  There are so many things in our lives we complain about, wish were different, envy about others, and take advantage of, that we need to take the time (more frequently, frankly) and remind ourselves of this. 

I'm thankful for: my supportive family (extended and immediate), my friends who I can tell anything to and they love me anyway, my friends who I'm getting closer to, or have known me forever and who I so appreciate having a great time with, for my bosses for being great supports of my new career and encouraging me to be a great therapist (and showing me how by example), for my overall health and well being, for the health of most of the people I care about (and for those who are sick or passed away, for my opportunity to know and love them when they were healthy and alive, I'm thankful for my luck, my opportunities, my failures I've learned from and the future I have ahead of me...just to name a few.

I asked Facebook what people were thankful for, and only a handful of people answered.  I was pretty surprised by this, I might ask again.  As of today the common answers were health, family, friends and job.  I have to say, if you've got 3 of 4 of those things, you're doing pretty well...sadly not everyone has those.  Please feel free to post a comment about what you're thankful for, I think it encourages others to think about it and when we write these things I think it's helpful for us too (hence why I even have a blog in the first place).

Cheers, be well, be thankful and happy holiday season kick off.

Until next time,
Thankfull-E

PS. I can't write about Thanksgiving without at least acknowledging this:

The one thing that does somewhat tarnish Thanksgiving (and means we just need to be even MORE thankful) is that Thanksgiving has a dark past.  Like Columbus Day I think there are many things wrong with celebrating the deceiving, taking advantage of and killing of almost an entire race of people.  But I'll leave politics/history/controversy at the door, and let myself enjoy the holiday, seeing family, probably some of you, and some of my other friends.  

right place, right time

Things are changing.

The season, my mood, different aspects of my life are coming together in serendipitous ways...and per usual with these things, it's a mix of luck, pushing through what feels like an absolute stale mate and trusting that the right things will happen at the right place and at the right time.

I haven't written in a while for several reasons.  I've been feeling intimidated by someone I know's hilarious blog that is all the rage, and feeling like "well I'm not THAT funny" but I guess I didn't start this blog to be funny, I started it to purge random thoughts and feelings as a kind of therapeutic practice.

Also, I've been feeling, well...good.

I had a couple months there where I was really down in the dumps.  I can now better understand the difference between feeling depressed and sad, clinically speaking, which will be helpful with working with clients.  I've had some crappy things happen in my life (as we all ultimately do), and I have felt profoundly sad about those things...but this was different.

Up until really a few weeks ago, I was just feeling like everything was a shade of gray. While I love gray (walls, clothes, salt/pepper hair on a guy)...it was not an ideal way to be looking at the world.

Since I'm a therapist I was able to identify what I was feeling, but EVEN as a therapist it was hard to move out of it.  I knew what I had to do, and even then the gray cloud was thick and hung low for several weeks.

What I did while I was feeling "depressed" or "off", was maintain as much strong self care as I could.  I kept up with my running, I kept up with therapy, I kept up with  my job, continued my job hunt, saw my friends, caught up on sleep...and held on for the ride through it by actually...letting go.

This is a key part, letting go.  I, a few times, said "I'm just throwing my hands up and giving up".  To be clear, I did not mean 'giving up' on life or that I was feeling like I didn't want to be alive, but I was giving up on fighting the bad mood and on trying so hard to push it away to make it better.  Instead I maintained the things I know that chemically, physically, mentally and emotionality would help me and just let it run its course.

For all of these experiences when we feel stuck, there comes a point where something gives.  The gridlock at some point eases up or at least moves in one direction.

For a while it just felt like nothing had changed.

Then things started to change...among the changes here are a few...
-the season shifted from summer to fall (and then back to summer and then back to fall)
-decided to go to school for some alternative medicine (which I grew up taking) that works well for physical ailments as well as mental/emotional ailments in tandem with psychotherapy
-Jewish New Year - day of fasting and cleansing which is the only day I really take the "religion" part of it seriously, because it's a good message to clear out the last year and start with a clean slate.
-had some random stomach issues (not the gross kind, just painful) - might have food sensitivities - seeing a health coach/nutritionist, starting taking vitamin D
-Steve Jobs died - Okay other than him changing the world I have no connection to the guy, but the 60 minutes episode last night about him was really interesting and I want to read the biography
-I went apple picking, and seasonal things started to peak my interest (read: I <3 Halloween)
-My half birthday came and went...I think 2* will be a stellar year for me
-I was on the local news - no joke.  I was ambushed by this reporter about something in my town that I didn't know about...interviewed me for 3 minutes and all that made it was a soundbite made me sound completely ditsy and was taken out of context.  But for my 3 seconds of fame I enjoyed laughing at myself a hell of a lot...
-A job I ended up not taking about 6 months ago, called me up to see if I was interested in working part time, which works well with what I'm already doing...so I don't have to look for another job for immediately and I'll finally have a more steady income.
-After a long while, someone has caught my eye...and no matter what happens (or doesn't happen, contrary to popular belief I'm not actually psychic)...it has still been very a welcomed and enjoyable change.  :)

And voila.  I feel pretty good...and for the last few weeks I've just been enjoying this "feeling like myself again" and haven't wanted to analyze it or synthesize it.  SO you haven't heard from me.

While nothing is monumental (yet), and nothing is definitively better or different (yet), there were changes and shifts.

Changes and shifts that couldn't have happened or wouldn't have impacted me if I wasn't living at home, if I wasn't doing online dating, if I wasn't Jewish, if I wasn't typing on a macbook, if I wasn't into the fall...but I am, I'm all of those things...and they're finally starting to work for me.

Like I said.  Right place, right time...and a combination of some effort and letting go, in order to make it through.

Thank the fahking Lord.

Until next time,
Smiley E

I'll admit it, I love my hometown.

Just to calm your worries that I've gone off the deep end, I'm actually doing okay and appreciating literally where I am...

Yesterday we celebrated my mom's 50th birthday.  In short, she is an amazing lady.  I'm very fortunate that she's my mom and my friend (and so far a great roommate, too).

I was so excited to give her the present I got for her, that I gave it to her before I left for work (which was my first day!), versus at dinner.  Hopefully she'll get some great use and joy out of the sailing membership I got her!  She hasn't been sailing is some 30 years, but used to love it and teach it at a summer camp off the coast.

We ate at this nice restaurant attached to the mall (that has been redone a couple of times since I was a kid) which had outdoor seating, delicious food, and even better wine.  Oh, the wine.

Buzzed, we decided to walk through the mall to sober up and look for shoes for work/fun/summer.  I landed a pair of Michael Kors shoes that I'm now obsessed with enough I'd like to wear them around the house.

We had some fun playing around with hats and sunglasses that looked hilarious on us in Nordstrom, and laughed until our stomach muscles burned. Gotta love wine.  "Everyone can look like Julia Roberts dahling".  I was worried we might get kicked out.  Haha, well maybe you had to be there.

Last night was one of those summer nights where you can't tell if it's cool or not because it's a bit humid.  On my drive home after our buzzes wore off, things were quiet and still...except for my Civic.  Windows down, music blasting and my arm windsurfing as I drove through the tree lined streets of my hometown.

I flashed back to amazing memories of high school.


Walking through the halls of our school, being a part of the 420 or so of us that made up our class, bonfires, nights at the hut and tressel,  football games, the excitement of liking someone new, school dances, sports, my teams, being so sore at field hockey camp you couldn't walk up the stairs to your room, laughing, the same lunch table every day, driving around in a caravan of cars looking for something to do, 24 hour BK, decorating friends cars with cones from road construction, sledding down the aqueduct, ice cream cake police fake outs, parties - so many parties (keep your eyes open for a post about parties, soon), knowing where you can park your car and be near invisible to do whatever, knowing where you need to avoid parking your car, early release days walking to get pizza, not having a worry in the world but feeling like everything was the biggest deal, the video store I worked at, sneaking out the window at night (mom, you already know about this), crushes on my friends' older siblings and their friends, tackle football nights, getting into trouble for acting your age, not getting into trouble for things you should have...

This large town, which is very diverse in all senses (race/ethnicity, socio-economic status, religion, nation of origin, occupations, life path's, etc), has provided me with a wonderful community to be brought up in.  There are parts of it that are beautiful and green, which I've appreciated so much more now that I had lived in the city for so long, there are parts that are city-like, there are parts you shouldn't go after dusk, and there are parts where when you drive by you can't help remember the good ol' days.

Last night, I became overcome by thankfulness that this is where I grew up and even more profoundly, that the closest friends in my life were given to me in the simplest of circumstances.  I posted a status on facebook that was similar to this posts sentiment, and several people commented and liked it, so I figured I might as well share it here.

What's more heart warming than the beauty of parts of the town, is the people that fill it or used to fill it, and have been wonderful parts of my life.

This past year alone there have been a number of deaths that have shaken our community. Every time a large part of my class gets together to support the loved ones, we always say that we have to stop meeting like this....and it's true.  We need to start having happy occasions bringing us together.  Hopefully I can round everyone up for our reunion next year at the very least.

We've been very fortunate, however, that our class has stayed so close.

In high school, like all high schools, we had our groups.  Those groups from what I can tell have stayed in tact for the most part, with some overlapping and branching out.

Very few of us went really far away and stayed there.  Most have ended up back in our town or in the city 22 miles away, and still hang out with our close friends from home.

My college friends, my work friends from my advertising days, and even my grad school friends, didn't often identify with still being very close with those from home.  Of course people still had friends from their own childhoods, but most of their friends were from college or after.  I'd say 90% of my large friend circle (I feel blessed by the amount of people I can call my good friends, not just on Facebook) is all from pre-school through high school.

I wonder if this is a unique phenomenon for our community since it's so large that our bonds had to be really strong? Or since we had some adversity and loss in high school days and since, that we're all 'in this together'?...I don't know what it is, but I like it that aspect of my community.

We've all changed a great deal since high school, but it's like we've all grown together since then.  Given the recent get-togethers (though seemingly for terrible reasons) I think I've noticed that there are people that I wasn't very close with in high school that I could see myself enjoying being closer friends with now.

At the risk of sounding like a townie (it's always said so negatively, but frankly in this town it's just recognizing a good thing, in my opinion)...I'll admit it, I love my hometown.

As I settle into this town again for these next few months or so, I'm looking forward to spending some time in my old stomping grounds, seeing some of the people that are here still, seeing people when they visit their families, and appreciating the trees.  So let me know when you're in town.

I'm definitely missing the city, but feeling a bit more relaxed about the whole thing now that the move is over.

...and hey, one of the best benefits of the suburbs? I can wear heels to and from work without commuter flats, because I'm in the car versus walking.  At this point I'll take it.

Until next time,
Hometown girl, E