Moving home gracefully and temporarily. (Part IV - FINAL)

Part III

Part II

Part I

...and now, the final chapter of this saga.

 

So, most of you know by now that I’m moving out of my mom’s house…tomorrow.

It’s been an interesting road and the last two months have been a whirlwind of changes that have kind of come in like a tidal wave.  

All of the changes are good changes, but change is stressful, none the less.

Tomorrow I’ll be moving into a really cute apartment with a girl I knew when I was younger, I’ll be a 3-4 minute walk from a little city center, shops, the train, ciders on a patio, some hustle and bustle…and I’m very excited.

I’m a bit sad to be leaving mom’s even though I’ve griped about it since the beginning, but I’ve bee really lucky to have the opportunity to live there, not stress about money (too much), and allow the right job/situation to come to fruition before taking the plunge.  

A lot of you know my mom, she’s no short of being an awesome mom, and it’s been really nice to have her as my roommate, but it’s time for me to go.  It’s time for me to do my own thing again, live in an apartment, pay rent, commute to work, and you know, be an adult.

I’ll be home a decent amount for family stuff and the pool this summer…and to see my old dog, and of course to see my mom.  I’ll be about 42 minutes away from her, so she’ll also have to get her butt into the city to see me, too!

It’s an interesting relationship we have.  Obviously she’s my mom and I’m her daughter, but these last 9 months have reminded me that we have kind of a special thing.  For a long time it was really just me and her riding through choppy waters of challenging times with much shared experiences that we reminisce about, laugh about, and cry about.  

Considering it’s really been the two of us, she serves as not only a mom, but a sister in some ways and absolutely a friend.  I know she’s sad I’m leaving, because it’s been fun to hang out, and have a glass of wine after work…and to be honest, I’m sad too.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m more than ready, but it’s a bit bitter sweet as I know that this time I’m moving out into a new phase/chapter and God-willing I’ll never need to live at home again…although I guess I said that when I moved out after college too.

But I know I always could, if I needed to.

It’s been a great and transformative 9 months.   

I’ve rekindled/strengthened old friendships with people at home and I’ve spent many enjoyable Wednesday nights throwing some back with old friends where our friend bartends.  It’s really been fun.  Also, since moving I’ve gotten new jobs, I’ve worked on the first post-masters year of my career, and a year closer to being independently licensed, I’ve met new people, I’ve seen my family a lot, and I met someone really special to me.

It really has all fallen into place.

Sure, there will be choppy waters from time to time, but really these last 9 months have been the comfortable and comforting transition I needed into this next phase of my life.  Maybe I’m a bit behind for someone turning 28 in a couple weeks; maybe I’m a bit ahead, who knows. 

As of right now I’m just where I am. 

And tomorrow I’ll be somewhere different. 

Literally.

Until next time,

E 

when it rains, it pours

So, I haven't written consistently in a while...for a few reasons, so I wanted to update you briefly (since I know you've been eagerly waiting by your computer for an update about what's going on).  I've been a bit preoccupied with the many changes going on in my life, which are all good reasons for the first time in what feels like ages. 

 

I've been feeling pretty damn lucky.

 

I noticed that stuff started to shift for me at the beginning of February (and likely before).  I had been interviewing for jobs, I was looking for apartments to move into, and I had been actively meeting new people.

 

Then one week pretty much all the major areas of my life took a turn towards the direction I was ultimately hoping for.  I can't predict the future, obviously, but they are all very welcome changes and at this very moment (this moment is all that really exists) they are all things I'm excited about and feel very right for me.

 

The first thing that came to fruition is work.

 

At the end of this month I'll be working full time in one of the clinics I've been working at part time for the last few months.  This is something I'm really excited about since the clinic is full of great people, I really like my clients and it will ultimately be a great growing/learning opportunity for me.  They are excited to have me on board, too which feels really nice.  My clinical mentor (was my supervisor when I was still in school at my first placement) is who pulled me on and I'm just really excited to be working with her again and for the long term.  It's about who you know...and about being kick ass, obviously.

 

So that got confirmed which is very exciting and I'm very much looking forward to having a consistent schedule Monday-Thursday.  They are long days but ultimately when I've transitioned out of my other clinic (I'll be there on Fridays for a little while) I'll have 3 day weekends! Can't beat that!

 

A few days after work stuff got settled/finalized I solidified my next living situation.  Yes, it's finally arrived.  The "living at home again" thing is coming to an end.  I'm sad on some levels to leave my hometown, it's been nice to be at home with my mom and the dog, and it's been great to not pay rent...so it's not 100% happy, but it's like 90% happy.  And I'm ready to be on my own and be a real adult again.

 

The finding an apartment is a "it's a small world" kind of story. 

 

I had asked around (on FB primarily) if anyone knew people who needed a roommate.  I got a few leads that were good but not quite right (not in the right location, too expensive, short term and I'd have to move again in September...etc). 

 

So I started to look on Craigslist, which I know people have mixed feelings about, but I actually met an awesome roommate in the past on it. Plus I assess people for my job so I tend to pick up on glaring red flags.  Anyway, I had looked at 3 or so apartments off Craigslist. One apartment was great but I wasn't feeling the roommate situation.  One roommate situation seemed great but the place was kind of a dump, etc etc. 

 

Then I saw a listing for what looked like a nice apt with the features I was looking for, in my price range and I emailed the person.  "Hey my name is E and I'm looking to move bla bla bla bla".  A little while later I got an email back saying "This is strange...is this E from such and such town?". 

 

It just so happened that the person emailing me back was someone I went to Hebrew school with when I was in elementary/middle school.  I met up with her (she's great, smart, hard working, fun, nice, etc), checked out the apartment (big, sunny, good location, laundry in the unit, big closets) and I was pretty pumped about it! 

 

So low and behold I'll be moving into an apartment with someone I knew as a kid, at the end of this month.  It's so funny to me that we reconnected through Craigslist.  Oh the wonders of the internet.  Don't even get me started on how my long lost sister found the rest of us siblings through Facebook...that's for another post.

 

So those two things alone have been a significant shift for me, and they are the main things that I've been waiting (not so patiently) to be put into place.

 

The third thing (they say things come in threes), I won't get much into here (yet, at least)...but I met a great guy that I'm having a lot of fun with.  Like I said, I'm not psychic, and it's early yet...but in tandem with all the other changes it feels like a great addition to my life with incredibly serendipitous timing.  I'm excited about him, and he's excited about me.  No matter what happens he's really shown me what it feels like to be appreciated, treated well, be with someone who is thoughtful and considerate and I think I "knew" that existed but I didn't really KNOW.  Maybe you can't truly know until you feel it.  Probably another post brewing on that one...anyway - I hope to continue to have good things to say about him and how he makes me feel. :)

 

So needless to say the last few weeks have been busy, full, exciting and full of changes.

 

The real transition will be at the end of March when the work stuff actually changes and I take the leap and move into my next apartment.  I'm sure it will have it's challenges and stresses. I'm sure that there will be hiccups here and there...

 

In the mean time, I'm working really hard to enjoy the moment right now, and take each day at a time. I don't want to wish away the next couple of weeks since there are exciting things waiting for me "then". I really want to practice being mindful, staying present, and enjoying the ride versus just wishing for the destination. 

 

SO.

 

For those of you who feel stuck, or bored, or ready for change, but feel like nothing is giving...

 

Keep at it, make the changes you do have control over, put yourself out there (online dating, craigslist for roommates, Facebook, join a club, do sports, make healthy decisions...whatever) and ultimately something will give.  Something will shift.

 

And sometimes what they say is true, when it rains, it pours.

 

I'm enjoying this monsoon I must say.

 

Until next time,

E

Thanksgiving Eve - Get your reunion on.

Tomorrow kicks off the holiday season, which as you know, is the whirlwind of money spending, holiday food eating, reuniting and well, drinking.

The night before Thanksiving (Thanksgiving Eve/Reunion Night/Hey, How You Been Night), is when everyone is back in their hometown after sometimes a year or so (unless of course you live there...).  

Most hometowns have their hot spot for Wednesday night where most people congregate for an informal reunion of sorts.  

Since Facebook is what connects us all (check out how FB has made the 7 degrees of seperation...SMALLER), the "need" for this reunion, or the amount that you can talk about is reduced.  I can ask you how you're doing, but the likely case is for the most part I know what part of the city you live in, if you're dating, if you're working, and what your general weight is (and if it's changed) since the last time I saw you.

This makes the Hey, how you been? question a bit less authentic and more small talk than it ever was...and I'm pretty sure it's always been that way, in some capacity.

It is nice, though, to have an excuse to see people from childhood that you don't typically go out of the way of seeing, but I feel the pleasantries are nice and nostalgic.  

For those of you who didn't like high school, maybe you avoid this night all together or it's anxiety provoking because you're not really sure how you'll be received, or you could not care less about the folks going.  I encourage you to go out and give people another shot, who knows who you might connect with.

I enjoy going, I loved high school, actually.  For the most part it is an excuse to see my friends, and an opportunity to connect with people I haven't in ages.  

This year I'm really going to work on being extra non-judgmental.  

I mean typically I'm not really, but I'm hoping that my non-judgement is reciprocated when people ask "so where are you living" and I tell them "around the corner with my mah".  

Maybe they'll have read this by then and not even ask me.  Maybe they'll have read this by then and still ask me and pass judgement.  Either way, we're all in different places in our lives, so F off if you care that much about my financial situation. Okie? :)

Next year around this time (is my guess) we'll be having our official 10 year reunion.  

I just threw up in my mouth a little.  

Yeah, we're getting old.  You know who you are.

Two years ago was the last time that I was willing to go to our Thanksgiving Eve "hotspot" because I realized that some of the people I babysat for when I was younger were drunk and LEGAL to do so, and that everyone looked about 12 years old, and about 90 lbs.  Bleh.

So last year I decided, with friends, to branch out from where we had been going essentially since the middle of college...and it was a much quieter, more adult, you could actually walk around the bar without literally bumping and pushing people who knew you when you were awkward, and overall a more friendly time.  We'll see where we all end up this year, I might feel the need to do a bit of bar/restaurant hopping to get the right feel/combo of people.  We'll see.  

**Also, as a friendly reminder, the next couple days are really dangerous for drunk driving.  Since you'll be home, don't be ashamed to ask Mom or Dad or your little sister to come pick you up...it's better than missing Thanksgiving all-together.  This time of year marks the loss of some people I know as a result of driving accidents, so take care, drink responsibly, and drive safely.**

Speaking of, the holiday season can be anniversaries of things, or bring up memories of things that can be really tough for people.  You would think that it would be all fun and games, but for people who have painful memories of family members who are no longer with us, or remembering  fighting over the dinner table, or remember financial troubles around this time, it can be a tough time.  There are things in my life that have made parts of this season painful, but I refuse to let anything tarnish my Thanksgiving day, I will only let it be enjoyable.

Thanksgiving happens to be my favorite holiday, mostly because of the stuffing (which I'm not even sure I can eat, more about this in a post coming soon).  A couple of my cousins won't be making it this year, but otherwise for the most part my whole mom's side of the family gets together and eats and drinks and enjoys our time.  

My grandmother always asks us to go around and share what we're thankful for which makes us squirm a little, but frankly we need to do this. We need to remember what we're thankful for.  There are so many things in our lives we complain about, wish were different, envy about others, and take advantage of, that we need to take the time (more frequently, frankly) and remind ourselves of this. 

I'm thankful for: my supportive family (extended and immediate), my friends who I can tell anything to and they love me anyway, my friends who I'm getting closer to, or have known me forever and who I so appreciate having a great time with, for my bosses for being great supports of my new career and encouraging me to be a great therapist (and showing me how by example), for my overall health and well being, for the health of most of the people I care about (and for those who are sick or passed away, for my opportunity to know and love them when they were healthy and alive, I'm thankful for my luck, my opportunities, my failures I've learned from and the future I have ahead of me...just to name a few.

I asked Facebook what people were thankful for, and only a handful of people answered.  I was pretty surprised by this, I might ask again.  As of today the common answers were health, family, friends and job.  I have to say, if you've got 3 of 4 of those things, you're doing pretty well...sadly not everyone has those.  Please feel free to post a comment about what you're thankful for, I think it encourages others to think about it and when we write these things I think it's helpful for us too (hence why I even have a blog in the first place).

Cheers, be well, be thankful and happy holiday season kick off.

Until next time,
Thankfull-E

PS. I can't write about Thanksgiving without at least acknowledging this:

The one thing that does somewhat tarnish Thanksgiving (and means we just need to be even MORE thankful) is that Thanksgiving has a dark past.  Like Columbus Day I think there are many things wrong with celebrating the deceiving, taking advantage of and killing of almost an entire race of people.  But I'll leave politics/history/controversy at the door, and let myself enjoy the holiday, seeing family, probably some of you, and some of my other friends.  

right place, right time

Things are changing.

The season, my mood, different aspects of my life are coming together in serendipitous ways...and per usual with these things, it's a mix of luck, pushing through what feels like an absolute stale mate and trusting that the right things will happen at the right place and at the right time.

I haven't written in a while for several reasons.  I've been feeling intimidated by someone I know's hilarious blog that is all the rage, and feeling like "well I'm not THAT funny" but I guess I didn't start this blog to be funny, I started it to purge random thoughts and feelings as a kind of therapeutic practice.

Also, I've been feeling, well...good.

I had a couple months there where I was really down in the dumps.  I can now better understand the difference between feeling depressed and sad, clinically speaking, which will be helpful with working with clients.  I've had some crappy things happen in my life (as we all ultimately do), and I have felt profoundly sad about those things...but this was different.

Up until really a few weeks ago, I was just feeling like everything was a shade of gray. While I love gray (walls, clothes, salt/pepper hair on a guy)...it was not an ideal way to be looking at the world.

Since I'm a therapist I was able to identify what I was feeling, but EVEN as a therapist it was hard to move out of it.  I knew what I had to do, and even then the gray cloud was thick and hung low for several weeks.

What I did while I was feeling "depressed" or "off", was maintain as much strong self care as I could.  I kept up with my running, I kept up with therapy, I kept up with  my job, continued my job hunt, saw my friends, caught up on sleep...and held on for the ride through it by actually...letting go.

This is a key part, letting go.  I, a few times, said "I'm just throwing my hands up and giving up".  To be clear, I did not mean 'giving up' on life or that I was feeling like I didn't want to be alive, but I was giving up on fighting the bad mood and on trying so hard to push it away to make it better.  Instead I maintained the things I know that chemically, physically, mentally and emotionality would help me and just let it run its course.

For all of these experiences when we feel stuck, there comes a point where something gives.  The gridlock at some point eases up or at least moves in one direction.

For a while it just felt like nothing had changed.

Then things started to change...among the changes here are a few...
-the season shifted from summer to fall (and then back to summer and then back to fall)
-decided to go to school for some alternative medicine (which I grew up taking) that works well for physical ailments as well as mental/emotional ailments in tandem with psychotherapy
-Jewish New Year - day of fasting and cleansing which is the only day I really take the "religion" part of it seriously, because it's a good message to clear out the last year and start with a clean slate.
-had some random stomach issues (not the gross kind, just painful) - might have food sensitivities - seeing a health coach/nutritionist, starting taking vitamin D
-Steve Jobs died - Okay other than him changing the world I have no connection to the guy, but the 60 minutes episode last night about him was really interesting and I want to read the biography
-I went apple picking, and seasonal things started to peak my interest (read: I <3 Halloween)
-My half birthday came and went...I think 2* will be a stellar year for me
-I was on the local news - no joke.  I was ambushed by this reporter about something in my town that I didn't know about...interviewed me for 3 minutes and all that made it was a soundbite made me sound completely ditsy and was taken out of context.  But for my 3 seconds of fame I enjoyed laughing at myself a hell of a lot...
-A job I ended up not taking about 6 months ago, called me up to see if I was interested in working part time, which works well with what I'm already doing...so I don't have to look for another job for immediately and I'll finally have a more steady income.
-After a long while, someone has caught my eye...and no matter what happens (or doesn't happen, contrary to popular belief I'm not actually psychic)...it has still been very a welcomed and enjoyable change.  :)

And voila.  I feel pretty good...and for the last few weeks I've just been enjoying this "feeling like myself again" and haven't wanted to analyze it or synthesize it.  SO you haven't heard from me.

While nothing is monumental (yet), and nothing is definitively better or different (yet), there were changes and shifts.

Changes and shifts that couldn't have happened or wouldn't have impacted me if I wasn't living at home, if I wasn't doing online dating, if I wasn't Jewish, if I wasn't typing on a macbook, if I wasn't into the fall...but I am, I'm all of those things...and they're finally starting to work for me.

Like I said.  Right place, right time...and a combination of some effort and letting go, in order to make it through.

Thank the fahking Lord.

Until next time,
Smiley E

Moving home gracefully and temporarily. (Part III)

I haven't written in a while and I've noticed that my pace on this blog is slowing.  Summer is hard to be consistent about, well, anything that isn't drinking or getting some sun.

I've been pretty busy with those things as well as ramping up my therapy practice at work (trying, like I said, hard to get people to consistently do anything in the summer, never mind get therapy), I've been seeing friends, having a lot of family gatherings, etc.

But I feel bored.  I feel bored not because I'm not active, not because I'm not doing anything, but because I have this sinking feeling "this is it?".

Yesterday I tried to research some PhD programs that might be interesting compliments to my mental heath masters, and it's possible I'll want to go onto more education...but what this really indicates to me is that it only being 3 months after I've graduated that I'm already hungry for something else...hungry to fill a void or a bored space.

This is a void I would likely recognize in a client and discuss how these feelings of emptiness/boredom can't be filled by more power, more money, more stuff, more "doing"...that it has to come from within.

But I've realized I'm ready for something more.  I'm not sure what that more is within me, but I'm hoping I can figure it out, or just happen upon it...soon.

Bored + Impatience = Low Mood and  Frustration.

The last couple weeks I've vacillated from feeling a bit low and anxious about living at home and missing living in the city terribly...to having a great time at home (Part I, Part II) and being beyond thankful that I can even do this.

Every time I go into the city, which hasn't been as frequent as I'd hoped the last few weeks, I get this pang of sadness and longing to be able to walk out of my door, walk a few blocks to my friends' apartments, or hop on the train and be in a historical neighborhood in 20 minutes and eat in little family restaurants and people watch.  

But, while I'm at home, and on good days, I have a lot of fun and feel thankful...I've been making a concerted effort for it to be a fun summer by having a few pool parties or going camping or whatever.   

Last night it felt like a mini high school reunion at a local bar I frequent (my good friend bartends), it was great to see people I haven't in ages...I wasn't thrilled to have to admit that I'm back in our home town, but most of the response is understanding, or that they've done the same, or that "circumstances are circumstances"...and frankly if you're going to judge me on this, well, so be it.  I've gotten over that for the most part.  But the point is, it was an enjoyable night despite it being around the corner from where I live with my mom.

I don't know.  I've talked about really working on feeling content with what I have and maybe this is my opportunity to continue to bring myself back to center and focus on enjoying this time where I have less worries (rent), and be excited about when (who know's when) I'll be able to get back into city/independent life...

Sigh.

On top of my own BS, work has been challenging.  It's been hard to see things like kids getting bullied/harassed so much in school that they feel desperate and unsafe...or when a mom is clearly off her rocker and a poor kid doesn't know how to get through the day at home without being ridiculed.  It's rewarding work, but it's tough work.  I feel like so much gets taken out of me with this work I have to figure out how to really nourish myself so that I'm not depleted.

Typically this nourishment has been being social, but with working longer hours and living outside of the city, it looks like I need to find other avenues.

I've been more consistent with running in the last 2 weeks (still not much) which has been good, and my lovely mom bought be a bunch of yoga classes so I should be set to take yoga for the next couple of months.  I've really found this to be challenging but also wonderful.  I found a yoga studio that isn't pretentious but that is focused on moving meditation, focusing on the body, going at your own pace...it's great.  

I know I'm not in as much of a lurch as it feels in the fleeting moments of feeling unfulfilled.  I guess I just need to keep on doing what I'm doing and trust that I'm headed in the right direction with work, life, friends, whatever, and try and enjoy the ride as much as enjoy driving my new wheels.

Maybe the more I'm seeking is just shifting my perspective to accepting what is and relaxing my grip on what isn't.  Literally doing some letting go.  Maybe once I let go, I can actually grasp what is.  Did I just blow your mind?  Ha.

I'll try and write more also, since I think spilling onto this page tends to help me purge my negative feelings and I work through my frustrations and complaints fairly well here.  I've noticed that typically by the end of the post I'm feeling optimistic, so I should really keep it up.  Maybe it's some of the nourishment the last week or so I've been lacking.

Nag me for a new post when you haven't heard from me, will ya?

Until next time,

E

Moving home gracefully and temporarily. (Part II)

I'm not sure I'm doing such a great job at this whole graceful thing.

For those of you who know me pretty well, I'm not a crier.  I can probably count how many times I've cried in the last 3 or so years on my hands, and they've typically been by all accounts cry-worthy events (break ups, loss of a loved one, loved ones diagnosis of cancer, etc).  I don't get overly emotional and cry very often (okay fine, sometimes in sappy movies).  My therapist thinks I need to cry more, and I think she's probably right.  I hold it in, keep composed and sometimes I need to let it all out.

And that brings us to this morning.

This morning I sat on my bathroom floor crying as I was sorting through bottles with 1/5th left of shampoo or body lotion left in them, feeling overwhelmed with what to do with them all...on top of the chaos that is my apartment in order to get it ready to move out tomorrow. (Note:  I ended up combining all the shampoos I liked regardless of the brand, to one super shampoo.  My hair will not know what to do with itself.)

I'm sad.  I'm sad to be leaving my amazing apartment with the amazing view of the city, its tall ceilings, crown molding and beautiful natural light; I'm sad to be leaving the city that I've lived in for 5 years and love so much;  I'm sad that while I have friends moving in to apartments to live alone for a year or so, or in with their boyfriends...that I'm moving home; I'm sad that when people say "It's what's best for you right now, it's a smart move for the time being to save up some money", that it's true.  I'm sad.

This week, and the last two weeks, I've just not really been myself.  I've been half moved between my apartment and my old-now-new bedroom, which means that it has been chaos in both places. I've slept like crap and woke up disoriented when I was at home, and at my apartment, forgetting where I slept that night (I've been alternating as I bring loads of stuff home), we had a friend tragically lose a parent which was so sad, and also brought up so much for me in terms of my parental situation...especially since I'm moving home and the last time I lived at home my step-dad lived there too.  So it's just been a loaded week.

Who wouldn't want to get therapy here? :)

I've also, in the midst of all of this, began to set up of my office for my new job (the work in progress is pictured right, I'll spare you from pictures of what my apartment looks like).  It's tidy, clean, kind of serene, I've gotten compliments on it from other therapists at the office, and I feel really proud of it.  Basically this is my criteria for places that are mine...it's been my oasis this last week, oddly enough. I'm very much looking forward to building the beginning of my career there.  I'm very thankful that the work aspect of my life is starting to take shape and feel grounded, while the rest of my life feels fragmented.

So after I stopped crying, I felt much better. I guess I needed a release, and since I wasn't getting laid on that bathroom floor, crying was how it manifested.

I decided to get my obligatory Venti. I felt a little weird ordering at Starbucks with my sunglasses on given that it's been pouring out, but I'm not one of those attractive criers...my eyes puff up and it looks like I've been stung by a bee and need an epi-pen.

Alas, halfway through my Venti I feel much more clear headed and determined to make this apartment, and all my stuff in it, my bitch.

I didn't want moving to be an emotional thing, I fought it. I've been talking about it rationally since it is smart for me to do right now, and will pay off (literally and figuratively) in the long run if I take some time to not pay rent.  But what I know about myself, and what I tell my clients, when you fight the emotional piece of things it gets bigger and bigger.

Bigger and bigger until you feel like you've lost your mind and are sitting on your bathroom floor crying to a bottle of Panteen ProV.  Oy.

Okay, so in all of this I've learned a few things.  Most importantly, a slow move by doing it piecemeal is counter to every fiber that makes up who I am.  I'm an Aries (freakily my horoscopes have been right on lately, anyone else?), I'm impulsive and quick in my decisions, I need things to be the way I need them (type A, order and control are desired), I function better when challenging things happen like ripping off a band aid: over and done.  Frankly, you're all probably sick of hearing about my packing and moving at this point, so we'll all be much better off come the end of this weekend.

This long fiasco that I thought would be helpful in terms of moving things bit by bit was a mistake.  Next time I'll hire (hot) movers, I'll do it all at once, and I'll be moving somewhere that I'm really excited to live, or maybe even own depending up on how long I can save rent money.

Okay, enough procrastinating.  I'm off pack the rest of my stuff for really real this time.

Until next time,
E