when it rains, it pours

So, I haven't written consistently in a while...for a few reasons, so I wanted to update you briefly (since I know you've been eagerly waiting by your computer for an update about what's going on).  I've been a bit preoccupied with the many changes going on in my life, which are all good reasons for the first time in what feels like ages. 

 

I've been feeling pretty damn lucky.

 

I noticed that stuff started to shift for me at the beginning of February (and likely before).  I had been interviewing for jobs, I was looking for apartments to move into, and I had been actively meeting new people.

 

Then one week pretty much all the major areas of my life took a turn towards the direction I was ultimately hoping for.  I can't predict the future, obviously, but they are all very welcome changes and at this very moment (this moment is all that really exists) they are all things I'm excited about and feel very right for me.

 

The first thing that came to fruition is work.

 

At the end of this month I'll be working full time in one of the clinics I've been working at part time for the last few months.  This is something I'm really excited about since the clinic is full of great people, I really like my clients and it will ultimately be a great growing/learning opportunity for me.  They are excited to have me on board, too which feels really nice.  My clinical mentor (was my supervisor when I was still in school at my first placement) is who pulled me on and I'm just really excited to be working with her again and for the long term.  It's about who you know...and about being kick ass, obviously.

 

So that got confirmed which is very exciting and I'm very much looking forward to having a consistent schedule Monday-Thursday.  They are long days but ultimately when I've transitioned out of my other clinic (I'll be there on Fridays for a little while) I'll have 3 day weekends! Can't beat that!

 

A few days after work stuff got settled/finalized I solidified my next living situation.  Yes, it's finally arrived.  The "living at home again" thing is coming to an end.  I'm sad on some levels to leave my hometown, it's been nice to be at home with my mom and the dog, and it's been great to not pay rent...so it's not 100% happy, but it's like 90% happy.  And I'm ready to be on my own and be a real adult again.

 

The finding an apartment is a "it's a small world" kind of story. 

 

I had asked around (on FB primarily) if anyone knew people who needed a roommate.  I got a few leads that were good but not quite right (not in the right location, too expensive, short term and I'd have to move again in September...etc). 

 

So I started to look on Craigslist, which I know people have mixed feelings about, but I actually met an awesome roommate in the past on it. Plus I assess people for my job so I tend to pick up on glaring red flags.  Anyway, I had looked at 3 or so apartments off Craigslist. One apartment was great but I wasn't feeling the roommate situation.  One roommate situation seemed great but the place was kind of a dump, etc etc. 

 

Then I saw a listing for what looked like a nice apt with the features I was looking for, in my price range and I emailed the person.  "Hey my name is E and I'm looking to move bla bla bla bla".  A little while later I got an email back saying "This is strange...is this E from such and such town?". 

 

It just so happened that the person emailing me back was someone I went to Hebrew school with when I was in elementary/middle school.  I met up with her (she's great, smart, hard working, fun, nice, etc), checked out the apartment (big, sunny, good location, laundry in the unit, big closets) and I was pretty pumped about it! 

 

So low and behold I'll be moving into an apartment with someone I knew as a kid, at the end of this month.  It's so funny to me that we reconnected through Craigslist.  Oh the wonders of the internet.  Don't even get me started on how my long lost sister found the rest of us siblings through Facebook...that's for another post.

 

So those two things alone have been a significant shift for me, and they are the main things that I've been waiting (not so patiently) to be put into place.

 

The third thing (they say things come in threes), I won't get much into here (yet, at least)...but I met a great guy that I'm having a lot of fun with.  Like I said, I'm not psychic, and it's early yet...but in tandem with all the other changes it feels like a great addition to my life with incredibly serendipitous timing.  I'm excited about him, and he's excited about me.  No matter what happens he's really shown me what it feels like to be appreciated, treated well, be with someone who is thoughtful and considerate and I think I "knew" that existed but I didn't really KNOW.  Maybe you can't truly know until you feel it.  Probably another post brewing on that one...anyway - I hope to continue to have good things to say about him and how he makes me feel. :)

 

So needless to say the last few weeks have been busy, full, exciting and full of changes.

 

The real transition will be at the end of March when the work stuff actually changes and I take the leap and move into my next apartment.  I'm sure it will have it's challenges and stresses. I'm sure that there will be hiccups here and there...

 

In the mean time, I'm working really hard to enjoy the moment right now, and take each day at a time. I don't want to wish away the next couple of weeks since there are exciting things waiting for me "then". I really want to practice being mindful, staying present, and enjoying the ride versus just wishing for the destination. 

 

SO.

 

For those of you who feel stuck, or bored, or ready for change, but feel like nothing is giving...

 

Keep at it, make the changes you do have control over, put yourself out there (online dating, craigslist for roommates, Facebook, join a club, do sports, make healthy decisions...whatever) and ultimately something will give.  Something will shift.

 

And sometimes what they say is true, when it rains, it pours.

 

I'm enjoying this monsoon I must say.

 

Until next time,

E

anger management

I got in a fight this morning with my mom. 

 

Yes I'm an adult, and no I'm not proud of the fact that I reacted like a 15 year old.

 

As most of you know, I live with my mom right now as I transition back to the real world again post-masters, and while it's typically easy going and I feel lucky that I have the option to shack up rent free there with my mom (who is very cool and great to be around, my friends can attest to this), some of the time I want to pull my hair out. 

 

I'm beyond ready to live back on my own as is age/developmentally appropriate, but I have to wait just a bit longer - financially speaking.

 

So that "some of the time" was this morning. 

 

I had made breakfast, put my dishes in the sink since a few other dishes were in there (so I just assumed the dishwasher was clean and I didn't have time to empty it before I left for work).  From down the hall my mom said "The dishwasher isn't clean you could have put your dishes in there".

 

Okay so that is litterally what she said.

What I heard was more "I'm sick of telling you to put your dishes in the dishwasher, you don't empty it enough, you don't help out around the house enough, you're not pulling your weight, you aren't appreciative enough that I let you live here and this is my house and you should be doing this without me asking". 

 

It IS possible that there was some of that tone, I know my  mom well enough to know that maybe there were some of those brief flashes of thought, but really she was technically just letting me know that the dishwasher wasn't clean and I could have put my dish in it versus the sink (which I would have if there weren't dishes in the sink already).

 

What I should have said was "Okay, I didn't know, I'll do it later" (or in a minute, which might have been best) but immediately I got defensive.

 

With a raised voice and some profanities...I was clearly angry.  I'm thinking "I help out a lot, I do things for my mom, we just finished a holiday weekend where I bought her some nice things that I had hoped showed my appreciation more than just my millions of "thank you's" that I give her, I help out when I can, I'm not a kid, I don't need a chore chart, what the hell she doesn't even notice I help out, she thinks I'm not appreiciative, she doesn't appreciate ME, I wouldn't have to answer to anyone if I lived on my own, I should be living on my own, why is she treating me like a kid, I'm not a kid (did I say that already?)".  

So we argued.  Back and forth a little.  I'd say we probably both said things that weren't appropriate for two adults who are normally level-headed...but this shit happens with parents and children...even if the children are adults.

 

Anyway, you get the point.  Many layers, combined with the fact that I hate dishes and the dishwasher (an ongoing joke in my household growing up is that once my kids can walk they are emptying the dishwasher), and that I was getting ready for work, I was a bit tired from being out late last night, and feeling a bit punchy. 

 

Perfect storm for an argument.

 

Like I said, I'm not proud of this.  What a stupid thing to argue about.  Bigger problems in the world and bigger problems in my life frankly that I don't even really know why that pissed me off so much.

 

I overreacted.  I acted like a kid, I felt like I was being talked to like a kid again and old patterns kind of came out naturally without being really aware of it.

 

So the layers of my thoughts/reaction all point to something actually other than anger - shame, embarrasement, frustration, stress, hurt, for example.

 

Just to use another situation as context - I have a couple of friends who had a tiff recently and they were both angry at eachother, but really what had happend is one was in a hurt sad place about something, and the other commented on it.  The first lashed out due to being "injured" emotionally by this, which then injured the second friend.  Argument ensues.  Anger is expressed. 

 

What is really going on? Hurt, frustration, misscommunication, missunderstanding, feelings of judgement, embarrassment perhaps?  I'm not sure exactly, since I'm not in their heads, but I'm fairly certain there were things going on OTHER than anger that lead to anger. 

 

I'm sure we've all been a part of these tiffs between friends, I've been angry at friends before and typically it's because I'm sad I haven't seen them in a while and feel a bit neglected by them, or felt hurt I wasn't included in something I felt I should have been.  Usually these are fleeting feelings of anger, but still, it's based upon something else.  Anger is just the way it's expressed but really it's something else.

 

Why am I bringing this up?  Well I think it's really important to look at what anger is.  There is a lot of anger in the world and it's not always as productive as it was developed evolutionarily to be.

 

I explain to my clients a lot that anger is something we all experience, there are times that it is important - such as when there is an injustice done to us and the anger helps protect us and get what we need out of a situation (anger likely puts the biggest fire under your ass as a motivator I'd guess)...but I also explain that often anger isn't really anger at all...it's sadness, it's frustration, it's embarrasement, it's hurt.  Often acting or reacting in anger is contributing to making a situation worse.

 

I said it, key words: anger is a reaction. I'd argue it's not a primary "emotion" but more of a primal reaction. 

As I said, it's served us well in some ways evolutionarily and even in day-to-day life, but I think it's a bit overused, and I'm guilty of it myself.

 

Anger is one of the easier things to feel.  Sometimes it even feels good. You know what I mean?   You're angry about something and you feel very right about it, and  you feel some passion about what you are either defending or arguing against, it's powerful.  But I think because it's "easy" we can go from 0-60 on anger when the right buttons are pushed.  It's a bit too easy. 

 

If we don't examine our anger, what triggers it, what we are actually angry about, what the emotions/thoughts/feelings are UNDERNEATH it, then it's much harder to control or change.

 

For instance, I wasn't angry really that my mom told me the dishwasher was dirty and I could put my dishes in there.  I was annoyed maybe, but I was more frustrated about living there, hurt that I felt she didn't appreciate what I do around the house and maybe embarrased that I don't do enough.

 

Working primarily with teens I see a lot of "angry kids".  As I often explain to their parents, I feel that their anger is not that they have "anger issues" but that likely they're sad, frustrated, confused, lonely, hurt, embarrased, and haven't developed the skills of expressing and processing these emotions. Granted even a twenty-something has a day when she can't express and process her emotions, but teens have a particularly hard time with this. 

 

If the skills to understand and manage ones anger aren't developed during those years, you wind up with many angry adults who walk around feeling pissed off.  Ever notice how contagious anger is? It's like a yawn. Someone is angry, and you see it, and it's hard not to feed off of it.  This is often what happens in parent-child arguments, intimate relationship arguments, etc.  One is angry (although I'd argue sad/hurt/frustrated/confused, etc) and the other reacts in kind.  Angry. 

 

So the cycle of anger is an important one to pay attention to, it's important because not only do we effect how we feel when we're angry, and even worse when we act in anger, but we also infect others when we're angry.

 

We all get angry.  It's human.  But what we do with it, how we understand it, and how we manage it is ultimately what is important.

 

 

Go figure that after the argument this morning I had some extra timeand put my dishes in the dishwasher and ran the dishwasher... An argument technically over nothing, but an indication that there is a lot still going on in me about living at home. 

 

Aaaand I forgot my to-go coffee on the counter.  Kharma's a bitch.

Sorry mom, I know you'll read this, I'll empty the dishwasher when I get home.

Until next time,
hopefully less angrE