I Know Famous People: Musician: Vanessa Kafka

I know famous people.

This is something I'll be able to say at some point...I just know it.

I've been wanting to write about my friends who will be super successful and "famous" as we age and become more like experts in our skills and whatnot...and this was a good time to start.

Vanessa Kafka

I know a lot of very talented and driven people in many different fields and interests...I think it will be pretty amazing to see people become hugely successful (or even famous) in their writing, design, clinical work, beer brewing, and music, just to name a few.

Speaking of music.

You all know I love me some good music...other than dating it's one of the more common things I write about here.

"I knew Vanessa Kafka, way back when, when she wasn't totally famous yet"...

I have a very dear friend of mine (if you know her, you love her, if you don't trust me you would) who is working on her next musical project.  Vanessa Kafka (check out her website, listen to her music from her last album) is a singer songwriter who hails from Connecticut who has a voice like a combination of Jesus and Fergie.  No I'm kidding, but thank you Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly (not my friends, yet) for the line.

In all honesty she is fabulous.  One time I was at her apartment and she was recording one of her songs for a friend of hers.  She was getting married and Vanessa couldn't make it, so she sang her favorite song and dedicated it to her.  Since I was there, Vanessa put me to work on the camera, and I no lie, had goosebumps the whole time.  It was beautiful.

Vanessa not only is beautiful, sounds beautiful, but she's also supah smaht.  Like, really.  She's finishing up her MBA at one of the country's best institutions and will be wildly successful in business I'm sure in addition to music (or somehow combining both).  

Sam Kornstein

Her band is made up of several very cool folks, some of which I don't have the pleasure of knowing yet, and one of which I've known for a very long time, Sam Kornstein.  Sam is also multifaceted...he also is finishing up his MBA (with V as I call her), and brews some beer...and takes amazing photos...and other stuff...check out all he writes about.

So I have no question that with the mix of the wit, smarts, talent, creativity, and beer, that they will go very far with these endeavors...especially the music.

Check out this clip on why I'm talking about Vanessa today!

So, they are currently fundraising for their next project and are asking people to make donations to help kickstart their album.  Their goal is $7,500 and every donation of $10 or more gets free access to the album and as the denominations grow, the prizes/goodies become better and better.

They need to reach the goal by March 13, 2012.  There are only 2 weeks left!

IF THEY DON'T REACH $7,500 IT WILL NOT BE PRODUCED.  This is all or nothing folks.  They are just around 50% there, and they need our help!

SO, since I rarely ask you to do anything, other than think about yourself introspectively, or to comment on things...I want to ask you to check out Vanessa, check out their mission, and donate on Kickstarter!

You'll be glad to say "I knew of Vanessa Kafka, before she was famous".

Thank you ahead of time.

Until next time,

E

Friends With Benefits

You all remember those analogies in various standardized tests, right?

Friends : Sex ::  

a) Penut Butter : Fluff

b) Money : Charity

c) Oil : Water

d) Dinner and Drinks : First Date

Obviously C.  The answer is always C. 

The takeaway is that they they don't (or maybe more accurately - shouldn't) mix.

Why are you bringing this up, E? I was happy in my life daydreaming about knocking boots with my hot friend.

Well, today Paige Parker (a blogger I follow) brought it up.  She writes a lot about dating on her blog/site called Dating Without Drama.

She posted a short article written by a man on his take on friends with benefits (FWB) and I thought it was a good topic to share my thoughts around, with y'all...and plus when I tell you things here (my blog) it keeps me in check here (my life).

In brief (though it was an already succinct post), he pointed out that while it sounds logical...we are good friends, we'd both like to get laid, so why not? it's just generally not a good idea.  What he says is ultimately one develops feelings for the other due to repeated intimacy and then results typically in someone getting hurt.

He points out that what is likely a better alternative is acquaintances with benefits (if you use the aquaintances listing option on facebook, this might be an easy way to scout out your next f.buddy). 

The tough part is that acquaintances with benefits or AWB, takes away from the instant comfort level that closer friends might afford you...and really I'm not sure how to navigate this other than to reach out to an aquaintance who you don't know well and say..."Hey, I've been thinking...".  I mean you might as well seem like less of a sleeze and ask that person out on a date.

I think the first part of what he said is true, though.  

It would be hard to imagine having meaningless sex when you a) actually care about the other person b) like them as person enough to be their friend and c) (it's always c) find them attractive enough to get naked with them.  

I'm sure some are better than others about not letting the sexcapades invade the friendship, but for the most part it is almost unavoidable that someone will pump the breaks and the other might want to hit cruise control...or speed up for that matter.

The man in the post makes the following and most important point:  If there is part of you hoping that the FWB will turn into a relationship, you will likely be disappointed.  It's important to know that if it was going to turn into a relationship, it already would have.  

A relationship would have developed over time if the key ingredients were there (chemistry, a good match, timing, both interested/willing) versus simply because you're saying "hey, you're single and great, I'm single and great...I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine".

Mila and Justin being friends

I never saw the movie Friends With Benefits, though my grandmother (ha, seriously) said it was cute and I'd like it if I "like racy and fun movies". 

Which I do.  I likely will see it now that I'm posting this.

I'm assuming, that these friends in the movie who hook up, end up falling in love (thank you obvious Hollywood movies - maybe I don't need to see it, or I'll watch it on mute just to see if I can catch a glimpse of Justin's ass or something). 

I don't think that friends with benefits typically pan out in real life, at least not for long. It's likely it will turn out like some of the people in Jurassic Park (like the guy who plays Newman from Sienfeld - I'm pretty sure he was eaten by a T-Rex or the raptors - God, how good is the raptor in the kitchen scene? Still so intense when I think about it like 15 years later).  

Or if the friendship doesn't crash and burn completely it may forever be scared or mangled or complicated like the dorky kid gone off the deep end to become a villain in The Incredibles (which was on last night...PS - how amazing is  Edna Mode's character?).

someone else's breakdown of FWB

I'm not saying in the moment it's not fun or that it isn't possible that it could work, or even that it could work out...but I think overall when I'm thinking about it with a clear and sober mind it's best to be avoided.

Also, I think this is slightly different than a drunken one time thing.  

I know of a lot of situations where friends can be drunk and misinterpret this drunkeness for a real connection...one thing leads to another and the morning comes and it's like "woops".  

This is far less damaging generally than repeated encounters, however, it's true that the physical connection may cause ripples for a while, and even again when each of those people moves onto other relationships.

So where does this leave single people who have a healthy sexual appetite and don't want to continue, or start, a string of one-night stands?  

Well, for this I actually don't have much of a suggestion as I'm not an expert on navigating this gray area despite some years of...err...research.  

My guess is patience, exercise, cold showers and maybe a brief stint with religion could do the trick...or at least find some good looking and willing acquaintances. 

Well, at least I've got exercise.

Until next time,

E (with benefits)

PS. Please share (anonymously if you'd prefer) what your FWB experience has been...successful? "no strings attached"? Let me know!

“Good for you for not dressing like a slut”

Well finally the gluttony of Halloween is over.  The York Peppermint Patties that I bought for the house (I mean, for the trick-or-treaters) is gone, the weekend of drinking pumpkin beer, after pumpkin beer, after witches brew is over, and the time has come to welcome November.

Before I allow myself to move into November completely, I wanted to chat about Halloween briefly (I meant to post last night...but my timing has been off lately, so suck it up and read it anyway).

I love Halloween.  I love the opportunity to dress up, I love seeing people's costumes and laughing at the funny ones or being envious of their clever disguise.

I have a lot of fond memories through the years of Halloween and trick-or-treating...who doesn't remember the houses that always had tons of Reece's Cups and gave out whole candy bars. 

I've also always liked dressing up, even just when I was playing.  As a little girl I would often put on a a bunch of old clothes of my mothers, shoes that were too big for me and mittens as fashion gloves and walk around like a Hollywood star, blowing kisses...or dressing up in old dancing costumes and dancing around the living room. 

I think that it's part of my imagination that never went away as I aged, and remains a joyful thing for me.  Simply put, pretending to be someone, or something, else is fun.  I'm trying not to read into this too  much and evaluate myself on why I like to pretend to be someone else, but I'll just confirm to you and myself that I do love being me. I want to be me...But, for a day (weekend)? I'm cool with being someone else.

Some of the costumes I've been for Halloween were a skeleton, an 80's punk, a witch,  a Greek Goddess, a princess, a slut, a devil, a pumpkin, an angel, a double rainbow…

Wait, what? A slut you say, E?

Well, I'm kidding.  I actually haven't.  

I usually do “homemade” costumes by using things I already own with a few key props.  These costumes tend to err on the side of being less expensive and having longer hem lines (this year I was Amelia Earhart, doesn’t get much sexier than that, right?). 

To be fair, there was one year I wore a very short toga dress (sheet) and another where I wore a long blue t-shirt with leggings, but as I'm writing this I feel like it's silly.  If we’re being honest a sheet or a long t-shirt doesn't really move the needle, in the same way as a sexy bumble bee or a hot version of Mario/Luigi (even with the mustache - jut in time for Movember) does.

I’ve typically been a bit more…well…prude with my costumes.

Not that there is anything wrong with dressing provocatively for Halloween.  Frankly, I think that when people say “it’s just an excuse for girls to get slutty”, that they are right…but I think it makes sense and really who is complaining?  Okay, well other chicks I guess are complaining and typically (like me) they wouldn't be caught dead in something that resembled a sheer short and low cut Princess Jasmine outfit showing...well everything.

To be fair though, I think there is a little dirty Cinderella in all of us. 

For those of you who are confident in your body enough to show it to the world in a bar or at a party (and have your thigh high frills and cleavage forever remembered by your Facebook friends) then who am I to judge that?

Okay I realize that sounded sarcastic, but really, I guess I just know that if I was in better shape or felt like my body was a hot commodity, I would likely want to show it off too. 

Since this weekend I wasn’t dressed like an Amelia Earhart whose clothes were ripped off by her plane (likely) crashing, I didn’t nab any Zombies, or drunken-chicken-eating Red Sox Players, or Jersey Shore Fist Pumpers, but I did manage to get some attention...most notably from…an older heftier lady.

“Good for you for not dressing like a slut,” this woman at the bar leaned over and said. 

“All I see is red slut, green slut, blue slut.”  She continued. 

From there she went on to offer me some of her makeup to make my face look “dirty” which would have actually looked like I was trying to make A.E. look like she was from Africa.  She was a nice lady.  I think she was wearing a candy striper costume that, to be nice, we’ll say was probably for someone who was still eating PB&J with the crust cut off and drawing stick figures…not slutty at all, but way, way, way too small.  I guess having outfits that fit is worthy of a whole other blogpost.

Anyway, back to the compliment about not dressing like an invitation to be hit on. 

Ouch?

I don’t know really how to take that.  Thank you for acknowledging that my skin is primarily covered, but are you calling me frumpy?  Are you inadvertently saying that I don’t look attractive?   Are you like me, Ms. Candy Striper and mad because you’re not getting attention Mr. Spock or Quail Man? 

Of course she was trying to be nice and I got other compliments on my costume calling it cute or creative…so I felt good about what I was wearing, but still, a compliment for not looking slutty almost comes off as a backhanded compliment.

I guess I’ve always kind of been the one that was cute or creative one vs. the overly sexy one.  I guess I’ll just have to leave that to my hot and sexy friends and fellow party goers, and really I'm fine with that.

I have had this daydream where I meet a guy on Halloween and he’s dressed as a giant Solo cup, or Peter Pan or something.  Makes for a good story. I guess that's what most of us are looking for when we dress up and try and impress others either by being scary, attractive, interesting, funny or slutty on Halloween.  

Anyway, enough rambling. 

I say go forth and show whatever you'd like when you dress up for Halloween.  My only word of caution is - If slutty Halloween costumes kind of resemble your normal attire, maybe you need to rethink some things for the 364 other days of the year...

Well maybe more like 363 days - since I enjoy dressing up, I'm thinking I might do a costume party for my birthday this year since it will be on Friday the 13th....Halloween in April? I don't see why not. 

Maybe for that I'll show some skin...birthday suit?

Until next time,

Amelia (E)arhart

Moving home gracefully and temporarily. (Part III)

I haven't written in a while and I've noticed that my pace on this blog is slowing.  Summer is hard to be consistent about, well, anything that isn't drinking or getting some sun.

I've been pretty busy with those things as well as ramping up my therapy practice at work (trying, like I said, hard to get people to consistently do anything in the summer, never mind get therapy), I've been seeing friends, having a lot of family gatherings, etc.

But I feel bored.  I feel bored not because I'm not active, not because I'm not doing anything, but because I have this sinking feeling "this is it?".

Yesterday I tried to research some PhD programs that might be interesting compliments to my mental heath masters, and it's possible I'll want to go onto more education...but what this really indicates to me is that it only being 3 months after I've graduated that I'm already hungry for something else...hungry to fill a void or a bored space.

This is a void I would likely recognize in a client and discuss how these feelings of emptiness/boredom can't be filled by more power, more money, more stuff, more "doing"...that it has to come from within.

But I've realized I'm ready for something more.  I'm not sure what that more is within me, but I'm hoping I can figure it out, or just happen upon it...soon.

Bored + Impatience = Low Mood and  Frustration.

The last couple weeks I've vacillated from feeling a bit low and anxious about living at home and missing living in the city terribly...to having a great time at home (Part I, Part II) and being beyond thankful that I can even do this.

Every time I go into the city, which hasn't been as frequent as I'd hoped the last few weeks, I get this pang of sadness and longing to be able to walk out of my door, walk a few blocks to my friends' apartments, or hop on the train and be in a historical neighborhood in 20 minutes and eat in little family restaurants and people watch.  

But, while I'm at home, and on good days, I have a lot of fun and feel thankful...I've been making a concerted effort for it to be a fun summer by having a few pool parties or going camping or whatever.   

Last night it felt like a mini high school reunion at a local bar I frequent (my good friend bartends), it was great to see people I haven't in ages...I wasn't thrilled to have to admit that I'm back in our home town, but most of the response is understanding, or that they've done the same, or that "circumstances are circumstances"...and frankly if you're going to judge me on this, well, so be it.  I've gotten over that for the most part.  But the point is, it was an enjoyable night despite it being around the corner from where I live with my mom.

I don't know.  I've talked about really working on feeling content with what I have and maybe this is my opportunity to continue to bring myself back to center and focus on enjoying this time where I have less worries (rent), and be excited about when (who know's when) I'll be able to get back into city/independent life...

Sigh.

On top of my own BS, work has been challenging.  It's been hard to see things like kids getting bullied/harassed so much in school that they feel desperate and unsafe...or when a mom is clearly off her rocker and a poor kid doesn't know how to get through the day at home without being ridiculed.  It's rewarding work, but it's tough work.  I feel like so much gets taken out of me with this work I have to figure out how to really nourish myself so that I'm not depleted.

Typically this nourishment has been being social, but with working longer hours and living outside of the city, it looks like I need to find other avenues.

I've been more consistent with running in the last 2 weeks (still not much) which has been good, and my lovely mom bought be a bunch of yoga classes so I should be set to take yoga for the next couple of months.  I've really found this to be challenging but also wonderful.  I found a yoga studio that isn't pretentious but that is focused on moving meditation, focusing on the body, going at your own pace...it's great.  

I know I'm not in as much of a lurch as it feels in the fleeting moments of feeling unfulfilled.  I guess I just need to keep on doing what I'm doing and trust that I'm headed in the right direction with work, life, friends, whatever, and try and enjoy the ride as much as enjoy driving my new wheels.

Maybe the more I'm seeking is just shifting my perspective to accepting what is and relaxing my grip on what isn't.  Literally doing some letting go.  Maybe once I let go, I can actually grasp what is.  Did I just blow your mind?  Ha.

I'll try and write more also, since I think spilling onto this page tends to help me purge my negative feelings and I work through my frustrations and complaints fairly well here.  I've noticed that typically by the end of the post I'm feeling optimistic, so I should really keep it up.  Maybe it's some of the nourishment the last week or so I've been lacking.

Nag me for a new post when you haven't heard from me, will ya?

Until next time,

E

on having attractive friends

This week/weekend kicked off in a weird funk and for a few reasons, that I won't get into here, I was feeling already a bit thrown off kilter and deflated in a sense.  I think that heightened my awareness about my singledom and reopened a part of myself where I become very self critical.  So that is the stage that this musing is being played out on.

At the risk of sounding whiny (which I typically try and avoid, I swear) I'm going to briefly tell you how sometimes I have had the fleeting thought "it would be kind of nice if my friends were ugly".

I'm really fortunate to have a lot of amazing friends, really I feel blessed.

I have a lot of amazing friends who also happen to be very attractive. I'm not sure how it happened but I ended up with a wide array of beautiful friends ranging from tall to short, thin to shapely, dark to light...a fruit salad of ladies you could say.

What's even better is that not only are my friends attractive, but they are all smart, funny, driven, successful and awesome.  I love them very much.

So 99% of the time I'm glad I have these superstar friends.

These are friends who are great supports to me, make me laugh, help me when I cry, look cute in pictures with me, have great conversations and heated debates with me (maybe about purple being a great color, the meaning of life, or the cute guy at the bar)...

But I'll go ahead and say 1% of the time (so we're talking like 3 days a year), I just wish they were a little less, you know...attractive.  I realize this sounds terrible, and to my friends reading this, please don't take this the wrong way it is really a compliment. 

Am I alone on this? I can't imagine you've never wished you were better looking than the people you were standing with, unless of course you already are.  But in that case you probably don't really know it and still feel that way.  And if you do know you're the most attractive one, then well you can just click to the next blog and spare me the embarrassment of reading further.

So about guys, when I'm out with my friends...Okay this is when the perhaps selfishness, a spot of jealousy and apparent self consciousness comes in.  I'll say it.

I have nights were I look very good.  I mean I'm not a freaking neanderthal, so sometimes I go out I feel really good and think I look really good (and obviously since I'm a girl there are nights where I really don't feel that way).  Even on the nights where I feel good?  The guy that I'd like to chat me up, talks to my friend.  I don't blame them!  But I do wonder how I can have so many strangers coming up to me in the street asking for directions, the time and donations, but in a bar I'm apparently less approachable.  Maybe there is a vibe I'm giving that I have to work on?

There have been many instances where someone I had my eye on is interested in my friend. Most of the time it's not a big deal, because I'm like a goldfish and forget and in 5 minutes there will likely be someone else I have my eye on.  But after a while you can't help but start to feel like you won't ever get picked first.

This past week/weekend there were a few instances where friends were getting attention I would have preferred to get (who doesn't like some good attention?), and I think since I'm in a bit of a withdrawal mode I was jonesing for some attention so it was challenging for me...which is never a good combination with alcohol.  Those nights often end with either being mad and/or crying, unashamedly making out in the bar, or a boy you don't like/know in your bed (or so I've heard...).

It's like being hungry when you are grocery shopping, you buy stuff that is not good for you, and too much of it.

Anyway. I was annoyed, but I got over it. Like I do.

Last night was a lot of fun, and while we were out I said to my friend (in the context of talking to these guys who had followed "us" to the next bar) "I could walk into a bar naked, and they'd still look at you" and we laughed.  I mean of course she knew I was kidding and playing around, because if I HAD walked into a bar naked they would throw me out and it would cause such a commotion that they surely would be looking at me.

Of course here I am in the bar complaining guys don't approach me, and then almost immediately after that a "40" year old (air quotes because I didn't believe him, his age was not apparent as he clearly worked out a lot, was tan and possibly had plastic surgery) came up to me and was interested, which is what he told me. I guess when you're 40 you don't need better lines than that.

I mean it was flattering as he was a very attractive "40" year old, but I was not really interested in this slurring, wobbly dude.  It was one of those where if I was quicker I would have given my fake name.  Thankfully he was escorted out of the bar, and when he made his way back in (not great security apparently) I was able to make a dash for it...to Chinatown for some lomain with my friend.

I mean clearly I'm not being ignored in the bars or at parties, and I do hit it off with guys when I meet them at the coffee shop, but I think this last week has kind of lead me to have a microscope on the fact that this guy thing doesn't feel like it's working for me right now.

So back to the issue at hand.  What does one do when their friends are so hot?  Wait for them all to land boyfriends?

Get over it and be glad you're friends are awesome? Yep.

I told my friend I was posting about wanting ugly friends and she was like "You are who your friends are...plus, you're stuck with me 4eva...no new friends" (she was gchatting me on her phone so I'll excuse the 8th grade usage of 4eva).  Haha, she cracks me up.  She's right though, I'm keeping good company and really that's what matters and that's what reflects on me...I guess in a superficial but also in a deeper way.  Like I said, these chicks ain't no bimbos.

Most of my friends are in relationships right now, and dating really great guys.  I'm very, very happy for my friends in these happy and healthy relationships (aside from my having third wheel, or fifth wheel, or seventh wheel syndrome) and hopefully this pandemic of relationships ends up being contagious.

Ultimately, my goal (and what is in my control in this situation) is to be less caught up in who talks to who and who looks like what...

I think I just need to continue to focus on the music playing, the friends that I love being around and the margaritas.

Until next time

E