"Scratch that, change of plans."

These are words I've thought, said and typed a lot, lately.  I'd say that the theme of 2011 so far has been, "Sorry E, your plan? It ain't it."

I'm realizing that I've really always been a planner.  I'm sure there is something in my upbringing and anticipatory childhood that I ultimately found comfort in things I could plan, accomplish and move forward from.  Planning also takes some of the mystery out of things (even if it's simply deceiving ones own self to thinking there is such a thing as control), because Gahd Forbid the mystery...the unknown is a scary vast space.

I also tend do very well with structure in my life, short and long term goals, lists to help me get there, and success.  I know that this all makes me sound very, well, Type A, and the reality is, that it's true.

I think as I've gotten older my fluidity has increased and my ability to go-with-the-flow has really significantly improved.  This has helped me in a lot of ways.  Who wants to be around someone who can't function when things don't go to plan?  On the other hand, I can't imagine not having at least a loose idea of where I'm heading.

I think it's interesting that the beginning of this year started with a Change of plan (with a capital C) type of vacation/trip that kicked off a year when I feel that I HAVE to do some planning.  I'm graduating in May from my program, I need to figure out what kind of job I want afterwards (therapy with college students? adolescents? do I want my PhD ultimately?), figure out what city/location I want to be in (Boston? Chicago? San Fran? DC? The UK?)...at least for the planner in me, it would be nice to have the next 1-2 years kind of "figured out".

I think what I'm realizing is that what I can do is preparation.  I can work on my CV and cover letter (which I did yesterday), do my research, apply, brainstorm, discuss with people etc...but I have to leave the planning on the back burner because that leaves me subject to things like disappointment, or worse, feeling like I have to stick to something for the sake of the plan.

What I'm noticing when I take even a grander step backwards is that the things in my life that have "fit" and fallen into place were completely haphazard.  Almost everything that is meaningful by way of changes in my life, have had a serendipitous way of forming and fitting to the puzzle pieces before it (and subsequently after it).  When I'm honest with myself, sometimes the things I plan for or plan on, never happen, or fall short of how I picture it in the first place. (The intention isn't to make me sound like a bad planner, I'm actually quite good, but this is the reality of life's impact on my plan.)

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I shouldn't plan. I'm not saying I shouldn't have high expectations.  I'm saying I need to continually be open to changes in the plan even if the reason or the outcome is just beyond the fog of the morning, and is unable to be seen from where I stand.

Even with very small examples such as my trip not working "right", changes in plans with friends, unexpected relationships, expectations falling flat, etc, I do see some significant positives once I'm enough removed from it to truly appreciate it.  Often times I look back and I'm able to say, "well that is where it went wrong" and in the same breath "but it was right that it did".  I need to remember this, even when I choose the slow lane at Trader Joes.

Moral of the story for me? Relax.  Go with the flow.  Things pan out.  Set yourself up for success and be prepared for what comes along with the road leading you there.  Plans, like rules and Don't Ask Don't Tell, are meant to be bent, broken and ultimately changed.

Until next time,
E