Taking back September 11th

Ten years ago, this morning, I walked into my senior year astronomy class like any other day. 

Like any other day this was going to be a class where we typically were learning and exploring the vast, and literal awesomeness, that is space. This typically made me feel like such a small piece of the universe, and appreciate the gravity and also futility of my part in it.

Well, on this day in 2001 particularly, in this class, I felt like the gravity and futility of like were incarnated on the small tv screen in the corner of the lab room.

Someone walked by as people were changing class periods and said "turn on the tv, a plane crashed into a tower in New York".

What followed, felt and looked like a movie we had seen staring Harrison Ford or Will Smith or the like. 

There was so much confusion. Those first couple of minitues of hearing about the accident, turned to further confusion as we watched the second plane hit.

Wait.  Was that another plane?  Is this live or is it a loop? No the other tower is already smouldering. What is going on?  How could two planes hit by accident?  Is this real? Did they evacuate the buildings?  Do I know anyone near there? Oh no. What is that thing falling?  What is that thud sound? Oh God. Are people jumping?

Horrific. Terrifying. Confusing. Disbelief. Numb. Did I mention confusing?

I'm pretty sure my 17 year old mind wasn't able to understand what was happening, no one really did. I knew it was bad, I knew people were upset.  I knew it didn't feel real.

The unfolding of the day brought about more questions, fear, sadness and disoreientaion. 

We all have our own stories of this. My experience was life changing in the context of history and how it affected those around me, and how it changed the course of life in the States as we know it. 

My own experience of it was mild. I didn't lose anyone I really knew. The people I worried about were okay (though some of them lost friends or family) and I wasn't there.

Context is everythings. Those who were not affected, were.

This morning I was driving to a class that I'm taking over some weekends and I drove in a quiet car. Mainly because I was paying attention to my GPS but also because I couldn't listen to all the 9/11 coverage.

I was emotional.

I was more emotional than I expected. Why am I crying? I thought.  I felt this sense of loss and grief that I'm sure was much of my own, but I understood that today, many many people would be feeling this. The communal exprience, or the context, I could feel.

I broke out into song. I sang the national anthem, in my car alone, tearing up. Otherwise in silence. I bet that if I wasn't so overtaken by emotion I wouldn't have been compelled to sing.

But it just happened.

Now I love many things about this country, and respect the people who serve it, and stand by my country despite disagreeing with many things (otherwise I would live elsewhere)...so I'm patriotic but not blindingly so.

I see many faults in our systems and how we move forward into the future about many things, but at the end of the day I'm here and I appreciate the life I'm able to have.

If I had to describe myself in 10 words, patriotic would not be one of them...but neither would anarchist or hatred (of anything, nevermind America).

But I would include loyal, loving, empathic, among other things. I'm loyal to this country despite not being born here.  Most of my family is here (though not all) and I don't agree 100% for the sake of agreeing with what past (and present) presidents prescribe for this country (and others). But I'm loyal.

And I get goosebumps every time I hear the national anthem.  It get me in the heart.

I was surprised by how moved I was this morning when I looked at the clock and knew that 10 years ago I sat with 30 of my fellow classmates and witnessed a turning point.

Now, as I write this on my phone, I'm laying in the grass on my lunch break on a beautiful day. It is sunny and breezy (my favorite) and warm enough that the cool grass is refreshing.  It's an all around beautiful day.

If it was another day on the calendar this day would make me feel thankful and appreciative of not only the weather but for my health, that I'm taking a class that really interests me and that I'm alive.

Because today is monumental based upon how we have constructed time and understand anniversaries and remembering our stories...I feel particularly greatful. 

I'm taking back September 11th. It is a day of remembering no matter how you slice it. 

But.

But instead of being sad today, I'm going to be thankful. I'm going to be thankful for my life, those around me, those who helped the cause on that day and for the last 10 years, thankful that I'm here to help others with tragedies in their lives...

This is not to minimalize or negate others loss and suffering...instead I see it as honoring those who were lost and their grieving loved ones, by being present, appreciating what I'm living for and remind myself that there is no time but now, no way to be but be.

I want to acknowledge all the heroes, known and otherwise not "known", those who have suffered from this event, and from others. I send the world healing thoughts and love from the center of my heart, from a place that knows loss and grief well, and in rays extending from every point at the center of my heart I'm sending healing and comfort to all.

Love your fellow human being.  You never really know what someone is suffering with or experiencing or has experienced...compassion is our best tool.

I love you even if I don't know you.

Until next time,
E