happy blogiversary to E

Blogiversary: (noun): when you should probably start to think about having other hobbies.

Oh well. 

It seems very fitting that for my one year Blogiversary I have writer's block.  Even when I went back and read all 84 posts thus far (yes, I actually did that on one of my sick days this week), I still couldn't really think of what I wanted to write about today.

How do you follow that last post, really anyway?

Do people even celebrate blogiversaries? 

Is it as socially awkward as like, celebrating one's role-playing avitar's birthday? 

Or is it more endearing, but still kind of ridiculous, like buying your pets birthday presents and baking a pet food cake? 

Speaking of.  Let me take this opportunity today to wish a Happy 14th birthday to my pup, Mocha Bear!  

We are pretty sure it's your actual birthday today, but we forgot the exact day it was years ago...I love you, you old lady, you!

Maybe I should have written the whole post about my old dog.  Too much? I know what you're thinking...Howwwww is this chick single?

I digress. 

I mock myself, but I'm proud of fact that I've maintained this blog and I think I at least wrote a few pretty good posts.

Either way I have to write something to mark this blogcasion.

Something! Anything! Even if it's not one of my most timely, or funniest, most moving, or relatable (is that a word? looks funny), or nostalgic, or even it not being mine at all.   

So what can I write about?  

I thought about...

• identifying other good things about the number 1 (feeling empowered after a one night stand (actually this is a whole post worthy idea...damn double standards), the number has not much to lose but much to gain, it's the first prime number, #1 means you're #winning...I could go on and on)
• summing up the last year of blogging (umm...there are 84 posts...lots to sum up. I graduated from Grad School, got two jobs, had to move home, had some interesting dating experiences, still single, overall happy though sometimes it was tough, and I don't transition well when my plans go to shit...but I'm working on it)
• talking about how much can happen in someone's life in a year (people in/out of relationships, engagements/marriages, different jobs, loss, new beginnings, lots changing, not much changing)
• exploring how different things are now for me than when I started (different living situation, working vs. in school, a year older and wiser...)
• setting intentions for the next year of blogging (keep working on the quality/frequency, get more guest entries, maybe make a website, maybe stop blogging, maybe write a book instead?)
• asking for suggestions for topics for the next year (do you have suggestions?)

etc

etc

etc

None of them really warrant more than a line or two in this post.  Nothing seems fitting to follow a year of me pouring parts of myself onto the virtual pages of this blog...

Hmph.  

...except one thing. 

To thank you.

Thank you to those of you who read one post.

Thank you to those of you who read every post.

Thank you to those of you who read a not-so-great post, and came back.

Thank you for being patient with typos, poor grammar, and my stream of quasi-consciousness writing style.

Thank you to those of you who commented either here, on Facebook or in private to me. Continue to comment please, feedback is super helpful and keeps me motivated!

Thank you for the people who reached out to thank ME. 

Thank you to the people who tell me "Hey! I read your blog!" I might get embarrassed sometimes, but, really...thank you.

Thank you to those of you who allowed me to take up your time either at home, on your phone, at work (no...you're welcome on that one), etc.

Thank you to those of you who shared a post with someone else.

Thank you Connor Mead and future guest bloggers.

Thank you to those lawyer guys, online dating guys, exes, flings, random dudes...you got me some nice food, some nice drinks, some good times and some good material.

Thank you mom for bearing with me through the posts that you probably shouldn't have read.

Thanks to the people in my life for not rolling your eyes every time I said "I should write a post about that!".

Thanks to the people in my life who say "You should write a post about that!".

Thank you to my friends for still asking me how I'm doing or how my date went even though it ended up on my blog before we got a chance to catch up (or maybe you should read it more frequently...) but either way, I love you guys.

Thank you to the cosmos for letting things ultimately fall into place.

Thanks for joining me at the start of a new year.

Yeah.  That just happened.  I just blogiversaried all over you...sorry.

It's amazing how much I can actually write with writer's block.  I may have a rambling problem.

Until next time...because you know there will be a next time,

E

Taking back September 11th

Ten years ago, this morning, I walked into my senior year astronomy class like any other day. 

Like any other day this was going to be a class where we typically were learning and exploring the vast, and literal awesomeness, that is space. This typically made me feel like such a small piece of the universe, and appreciate the gravity and also futility of my part in it.

Well, on this day in 2001 particularly, in this class, I felt like the gravity and futility of like were incarnated on the small tv screen in the corner of the lab room.

Someone walked by as people were changing class periods and said "turn on the tv, a plane crashed into a tower in New York".

What followed, felt and looked like a movie we had seen staring Harrison Ford or Will Smith or the like. 

There was so much confusion. Those first couple of minitues of hearing about the accident, turned to further confusion as we watched the second plane hit.

Wait.  Was that another plane?  Is this live or is it a loop? No the other tower is already smouldering. What is going on?  How could two planes hit by accident?  Is this real? Did they evacuate the buildings?  Do I know anyone near there? Oh no. What is that thing falling?  What is that thud sound? Oh God. Are people jumping?

Horrific. Terrifying. Confusing. Disbelief. Numb. Did I mention confusing?

I'm pretty sure my 17 year old mind wasn't able to understand what was happening, no one really did. I knew it was bad, I knew people were upset.  I knew it didn't feel real.

The unfolding of the day brought about more questions, fear, sadness and disoreientaion. 

We all have our own stories of this. My experience was life changing in the context of history and how it affected those around me, and how it changed the course of life in the States as we know it. 

My own experience of it was mild. I didn't lose anyone I really knew. The people I worried about were okay (though some of them lost friends or family) and I wasn't there.

Context is everythings. Those who were not affected, were.

This morning I was driving to a class that I'm taking over some weekends and I drove in a quiet car. Mainly because I was paying attention to my GPS but also because I couldn't listen to all the 9/11 coverage.

I was emotional.

I was more emotional than I expected. Why am I crying? I thought.  I felt this sense of loss and grief that I'm sure was much of my own, but I understood that today, many many people would be feeling this. The communal exprience, or the context, I could feel.

I broke out into song. I sang the national anthem, in my car alone, tearing up. Otherwise in silence. I bet that if I wasn't so overtaken by emotion I wouldn't have been compelled to sing.

But it just happened.

Now I love many things about this country, and respect the people who serve it, and stand by my country despite disagreeing with many things (otherwise I would live elsewhere)...so I'm patriotic but not blindingly so.

I see many faults in our systems and how we move forward into the future about many things, but at the end of the day I'm here and I appreciate the life I'm able to have.

If I had to describe myself in 10 words, patriotic would not be one of them...but neither would anarchist or hatred (of anything, nevermind America).

But I would include loyal, loving, empathic, among other things. I'm loyal to this country despite not being born here.  Most of my family is here (though not all) and I don't agree 100% for the sake of agreeing with what past (and present) presidents prescribe for this country (and others). But I'm loyal.

And I get goosebumps every time I hear the national anthem.  It get me in the heart.

I was surprised by how moved I was this morning when I looked at the clock and knew that 10 years ago I sat with 30 of my fellow classmates and witnessed a turning point.

Now, as I write this on my phone, I'm laying in the grass on my lunch break on a beautiful day. It is sunny and breezy (my favorite) and warm enough that the cool grass is refreshing.  It's an all around beautiful day.

If it was another day on the calendar this day would make me feel thankful and appreciative of not only the weather but for my health, that I'm taking a class that really interests me and that I'm alive.

Because today is monumental based upon how we have constructed time and understand anniversaries and remembering our stories...I feel particularly greatful. 

I'm taking back September 11th. It is a day of remembering no matter how you slice it. 

But.

But instead of being sad today, I'm going to be thankful. I'm going to be thankful for my life, those around me, those who helped the cause on that day and for the last 10 years, thankful that I'm here to help others with tragedies in their lives...

This is not to minimalize or negate others loss and suffering...instead I see it as honoring those who were lost and their grieving loved ones, by being present, appreciating what I'm living for and remind myself that there is no time but now, no way to be but be.

I want to acknowledge all the heroes, known and otherwise not "known", those who have suffered from this event, and from others. I send the world healing thoughts and love from the center of my heart, from a place that knows loss and grief well, and in rays extending from every point at the center of my heart I'm sending healing and comfort to all.

Love your fellow human being.  You never really know what someone is suffering with or experiencing or has experienced...compassion is our best tool.

I love you even if I don't know you.

Until next time,
E

I'll admit it, I love my hometown.

Just to calm your worries that I've gone off the deep end, I'm actually doing okay and appreciating literally where I am...

Yesterday we celebrated my mom's 50th birthday.  In short, she is an amazing lady.  I'm very fortunate that she's my mom and my friend (and so far a great roommate, too).

I was so excited to give her the present I got for her, that I gave it to her before I left for work (which was my first day!), versus at dinner.  Hopefully she'll get some great use and joy out of the sailing membership I got her!  She hasn't been sailing is some 30 years, but used to love it and teach it at a summer camp off the coast.

We ate at this nice restaurant attached to the mall (that has been redone a couple of times since I was a kid) which had outdoor seating, delicious food, and even better wine.  Oh, the wine.

Buzzed, we decided to walk through the mall to sober up and look for shoes for work/fun/summer.  I landed a pair of Michael Kors shoes that I'm now obsessed with enough I'd like to wear them around the house.

We had some fun playing around with hats and sunglasses that looked hilarious on us in Nordstrom, and laughed until our stomach muscles burned. Gotta love wine.  "Everyone can look like Julia Roberts dahling".  I was worried we might get kicked out.  Haha, well maybe you had to be there.

Last night was one of those summer nights where you can't tell if it's cool or not because it's a bit humid.  On my drive home after our buzzes wore off, things were quiet and still...except for my Civic.  Windows down, music blasting and my arm windsurfing as I drove through the tree lined streets of my hometown.

I flashed back to amazing memories of high school.


Walking through the halls of our school, being a part of the 420 or so of us that made up our class, bonfires, nights at the hut and tressel,  football games, the excitement of liking someone new, school dances, sports, my teams, being so sore at field hockey camp you couldn't walk up the stairs to your room, laughing, the same lunch table every day, driving around in a caravan of cars looking for something to do, 24 hour BK, decorating friends cars with cones from road construction, sledding down the aqueduct, ice cream cake police fake outs, parties - so many parties (keep your eyes open for a post about parties, soon), knowing where you can park your car and be near invisible to do whatever, knowing where you need to avoid parking your car, early release days walking to get pizza, not having a worry in the world but feeling like everything was the biggest deal, the video store I worked at, sneaking out the window at night (mom, you already know about this), crushes on my friends' older siblings and their friends, tackle football nights, getting into trouble for acting your age, not getting into trouble for things you should have...

This large town, which is very diverse in all senses (race/ethnicity, socio-economic status, religion, nation of origin, occupations, life path's, etc), has provided me with a wonderful community to be brought up in.  There are parts of it that are beautiful and green, which I've appreciated so much more now that I had lived in the city for so long, there are parts that are city-like, there are parts you shouldn't go after dusk, and there are parts where when you drive by you can't help remember the good ol' days.

Last night, I became overcome by thankfulness that this is where I grew up and even more profoundly, that the closest friends in my life were given to me in the simplest of circumstances.  I posted a status on facebook that was similar to this posts sentiment, and several people commented and liked it, so I figured I might as well share it here.

What's more heart warming than the beauty of parts of the town, is the people that fill it or used to fill it, and have been wonderful parts of my life.

This past year alone there have been a number of deaths that have shaken our community. Every time a large part of my class gets together to support the loved ones, we always say that we have to stop meeting like this....and it's true.  We need to start having happy occasions bringing us together.  Hopefully I can round everyone up for our reunion next year at the very least.

We've been very fortunate, however, that our class has stayed so close.

In high school, like all high schools, we had our groups.  Those groups from what I can tell have stayed in tact for the most part, with some overlapping and branching out.

Very few of us went really far away and stayed there.  Most have ended up back in our town or in the city 22 miles away, and still hang out with our close friends from home.

My college friends, my work friends from my advertising days, and even my grad school friends, didn't often identify with still being very close with those from home.  Of course people still had friends from their own childhoods, but most of their friends were from college or after.  I'd say 90% of my large friend circle (I feel blessed by the amount of people I can call my good friends, not just on Facebook) is all from pre-school through high school.

I wonder if this is a unique phenomenon for our community since it's so large that our bonds had to be really strong? Or since we had some adversity and loss in high school days and since, that we're all 'in this together'?...I don't know what it is, but I like it that aspect of my community.

We've all changed a great deal since high school, but it's like we've all grown together since then.  Given the recent get-togethers (though seemingly for terrible reasons) I think I've noticed that there are people that I wasn't very close with in high school that I could see myself enjoying being closer friends with now.

At the risk of sounding like a townie (it's always said so negatively, but frankly in this town it's just recognizing a good thing, in my opinion)...I'll admit it, I love my hometown.

As I settle into this town again for these next few months or so, I'm looking forward to spending some time in my old stomping grounds, seeing some of the people that are here still, seeing people when they visit their families, and appreciating the trees.  So let me know when you're in town.

I'm definitely missing the city, but feeling a bit more relaxed about the whole thing now that the move is over.

...and hey, one of the best benefits of the suburbs? I can wear heels to and from work without commuter flats, because I'm in the car versus walking.  At this point I'll take it.

Until next time,
Hometown girl, E