Dating: Meeting Online

So at the risk of sounding conceited, but still making a point I'm going to start by saying: I'm pretty awesome.  I'd say think I'm decent looking, I'm smart, I'm educated, I sometimes make people laugh, I have a good head on my shoulders, I'm a good friend, I like to do fun things, I can dance pretty well when I've had a few drinks, I've dated around a decent amount, I meet people and hit it off, and I've had a long (long) term relationship, so all around it's clear that I'm not undatable.

Also, let me preface this post by keeping this in the spirit of not wishing for something that isn't (which I've been working on and I think it has helped with some of my anxiety around this whole relationship thing), is that while I'd like to be in a relationship, being single is not terrible at all. I've been having so much fun, and there is even part of me that thinks that it would be kind of challenging to adjust to being part of a couple again (although, I'm willing it if the right guy manifests).

Final note before I dive into the topic.  I ask that you reserve your judgement.  I also ask that you comment (anonymously if you so choose) to share your experience, thoughts, success stories, horror stories, whatever.

Okay here we go:  online dating.

Oh, online dating.  I'm really not sure where to start, so I guess I'll start with this month.

You can imagine that living at home isn't really that conducive to meeting people, but really the only thing truly limits is one night stands from the bar (Oh hey Ma, this is...wait what's your name again?)...and clearly at this point I'm over that, so it's left me with little excuse for not putting myself out there.

Living outside the city, however, is limiting in terms of just the sheer volume of people you might be able to meet out at a bar or in Starbucks (I'd love that, by the way, while I order my venti iced).

Living in the city where you are walking around, taking public transit, you are just exposed to many more people than when you are a bit more insular, commuting alone in your car, or driving to...well, Starbucks.

Since I've been back in my hometown, I had a few friends who had been online dating before and recently joined OkCupid who were talking about it, a good friend of mine from forever just got engaged so we are all chit chatting about all things bachelorette party and wedding planning, I hung out alone at a bar for the first time ever (the bartender is my friend and I arrived with someone, but stayed after they went home...kind of fun actually, good people watching), had some contact with people I've "dated"**, which was nice but brought up questions about, well practically everything.

So, with all that, and living in a new (but old) area I decided to give this newer site my friend had joined a shot.  Why not.  I've got some fun to be had, and it seems that my immediate options are exhausted for the time being.  (If not then let me know before I'm off the market again!).

I admit this is not my first go round with online dating.

After my last long-term relationship ended, I joined JDate to get myself back out there, go on some dates and have some fun.  At the time, I figured if I'm going to meet someone online, they might as well be Jewish to make my grandparents happy.  I was pretty successful with it, meaning that I went out with a bunch of guys, met some cool people and then after a month or so was like "eh this is enough".

I also had a brief stint on eHarmony which was also successful, but like JDate, and likely like (likely like?) OkCupid, I burnt out kind of quickly.  eHarmony is one that I think if I was 30-something and really looking for a compatible person so that I could make babies, that I'd focus on. I think that it ultimately has the best system and is less focused on what someone looks like and more about their character.  Although, I went on dates with some cute guys, so it's not devoid of attractive people by any means.

The anxiety that comes with "blind dates" is almost too much.  If you haven't experienced the anticipation of a first date or a blind date, then I suggest it.  They say to do one thing every day that scares you, well, this might be your ticket.

For instance last night I went on a blind date from OkC (get with the lingo ppl), and the entire day leading up to it I was nervous.  Once we met him I was relaxed, which is typical for me.  The date was nice, he's a good guy (cute, smart, tall, Jewish) and we walked around a little town center eating ice cream and listening to a cover band play on their town common.  It would have been a romantic cute date if I was interested in that way, but I wasn't.

I was disappointed that it wasn't "it", and felt kind of silly for being really nervous leading up to it.  I think that it will help me to be less nervous next time around, but then again anxiety is a bitch.  Luckily there are only a few things I get anxious about like first dates or being a passenger in a car with a driver that I deem as scary.

Over the last couple years I've probably gone on dates with about 12 guys from the online dating world, and I'd say that only 2 was a disaster, 2 I only went on 1 date with, 1 guy I went on like 7 dates with and the rest I went on 2-4 dates with.  Those aren't terrible odds actually.  I do a fairly good screening process since there are things I won't tolerate (being a cigarette smoker, someone shorter than me, someone who posts pictures of themselves in the mirror with their cell phone - learn how to take a self-timed picture or at least a self picture, avoid the bathroom mirror people) and I politely decline their offers and wait for a decent guy to come along.

The primary challenges with online dating being successful is chemistry.  I think that someone can be amazing on paper and then you meet and it's like "yeahhh no."  I also think that it probably happens that I (and others) dismiss someone online, but had we met them in a bar and felt chemistry may have been interested in (though most of the "in-bar" situations fizzle out after a few dates anyway).  Keep your eyes out for a post on having parties, as I think this may be the key to meeting the right people (mutual friends as a filter).

There is stigma with online dating.  Less so now, than a few years ago, since most people know great people who use the sites or even success stories of engagements/marriages from the online world, but still.  The first question people ask when you are dating someone is "how did you meet?".  Even still there is a sting of saying "online".  But my friend said it best, "If you find someone you love and it's a great relationship, who the hell cares where you met them?".  While I want a great story, what's more important is just being with someone that I love who we fulfill each other's needs and wants, and the rest just doesn't really matter.

The times they are a changing. Most of our communication is online these days anyway, and it's not a far stretch to imagine that more and more people will be meeting their significant others online.   Ultimately you aren't dating online, you're MEETING online.  I would recommend meeting people quickly so you can decide yay or nay and move on.  The dating part should be in person, leave the online part to just the initial connection.

So if you've been on the fence about joining a site, just know that once you're on it, people will come out of the woodwork that you wouldn't expect who are already online dating.

I say go for it.  The worst case is you have some crappy dates, feel anxious or it isn't the avenue where you ultimately find love.  The benefit is it is a huge confidence booster, you get better at dating (it's like interviewing, the more you practice the better you are), you come out with some good stories, you meet cool people even if you don't want to date them, and it is just an extra avenue to possibly finding someone to be with.

Like my mom says: "You can't win the lottery if you don't play" (aside from the fact that most people don't win the lottery, this is a good analogy if you don't read into it)...and you know mom is always right.

Happy dating, wherever you meet!

Until next time,
OkE

**Dating: What the hell are we even classifying this as these days? Is this going on a couple of dates? Sleeping with on a regular basis? Boyfriend/Girlfriend?  I guess I just use it for any situation where you have a non-platonic relationship or interest, ranging from where both of you are working towards figuring out if you're a good match by hanging out, to planning where the next place you're going to get it on is, to if you're official on Facebook.  Fair?

Moving home gracefully and temporarily. (Part II)

I'm not sure I'm doing such a great job at this whole graceful thing.

For those of you who know me pretty well, I'm not a crier.  I can probably count how many times I've cried in the last 3 or so years on my hands, and they've typically been by all accounts cry-worthy events (break ups, loss of a loved one, loved ones diagnosis of cancer, etc).  I don't get overly emotional and cry very often (okay fine, sometimes in sappy movies).  My therapist thinks I need to cry more, and I think she's probably right.  I hold it in, keep composed and sometimes I need to let it all out.

And that brings us to this morning.

This morning I sat on my bathroom floor crying as I was sorting through bottles with 1/5th left of shampoo or body lotion left in them, feeling overwhelmed with what to do with them all...on top of the chaos that is my apartment in order to get it ready to move out tomorrow. (Note:  I ended up combining all the shampoos I liked regardless of the brand, to one super shampoo.  My hair will not know what to do with itself.)

I'm sad.  I'm sad to be leaving my amazing apartment with the amazing view of the city, its tall ceilings, crown molding and beautiful natural light; I'm sad to be leaving the city that I've lived in for 5 years and love so much;  I'm sad that while I have friends moving in to apartments to live alone for a year or so, or in with their boyfriends...that I'm moving home; I'm sad that when people say "It's what's best for you right now, it's a smart move for the time being to save up some money", that it's true.  I'm sad.

This week, and the last two weeks, I've just not really been myself.  I've been half moved between my apartment and my old-now-new bedroom, which means that it has been chaos in both places. I've slept like crap and woke up disoriented when I was at home, and at my apartment, forgetting where I slept that night (I've been alternating as I bring loads of stuff home), we had a friend tragically lose a parent which was so sad, and also brought up so much for me in terms of my parental situation...especially since I'm moving home and the last time I lived at home my step-dad lived there too.  So it's just been a loaded week.

Who wouldn't want to get therapy here? :)

I've also, in the midst of all of this, began to set up of my office for my new job (the work in progress is pictured right, I'll spare you from pictures of what my apartment looks like).  It's tidy, clean, kind of serene, I've gotten compliments on it from other therapists at the office, and I feel really proud of it.  Basically this is my criteria for places that are mine...it's been my oasis this last week, oddly enough. I'm very much looking forward to building the beginning of my career there.  I'm very thankful that the work aspect of my life is starting to take shape and feel grounded, while the rest of my life feels fragmented.

So after I stopped crying, I felt much better. I guess I needed a release, and since I wasn't getting laid on that bathroom floor, crying was how it manifested.

I decided to get my obligatory Venti. I felt a little weird ordering at Starbucks with my sunglasses on given that it's been pouring out, but I'm not one of those attractive criers...my eyes puff up and it looks like I've been stung by a bee and need an epi-pen.

Alas, halfway through my Venti I feel much more clear headed and determined to make this apartment, and all my stuff in it, my bitch.

I didn't want moving to be an emotional thing, I fought it. I've been talking about it rationally since it is smart for me to do right now, and will pay off (literally and figuratively) in the long run if I take some time to not pay rent.  But what I know about myself, and what I tell my clients, when you fight the emotional piece of things it gets bigger and bigger.

Bigger and bigger until you feel like you've lost your mind and are sitting on your bathroom floor crying to a bottle of Panteen ProV.  Oy.

Okay, so in all of this I've learned a few things.  Most importantly, a slow move by doing it piecemeal is counter to every fiber that makes up who I am.  I'm an Aries (freakily my horoscopes have been right on lately, anyone else?), I'm impulsive and quick in my decisions, I need things to be the way I need them (type A, order and control are desired), I function better when challenging things happen like ripping off a band aid: over and done.  Frankly, you're all probably sick of hearing about my packing and moving at this point, so we'll all be much better off come the end of this weekend.

This long fiasco that I thought would be helpful in terms of moving things bit by bit was a mistake.  Next time I'll hire (hot) movers, I'll do it all at once, and I'll be moving somewhere that I'm really excited to live, or maybe even own depending up on how long I can save rent money.

Okay, enough procrastinating.  I'm off pack the rest of my stuff for really real this time.

Until next time,
E