I had a 7th grade English teacher that said, “You never start a thank you note with ‘Thank you’. Instead you write about what you are thankful for, and then you conclude with ‘thank you’.” I think that there is value in that in order to value what you are thinking them for, versus being self serving - but I think when it’s genuine and spilling out of your heart, you can’t help but start there.
So first of all I want to say thank you to those of you who have read my posts thus far (at time of post 1028 views). Maybe there are 10 of you that have read my blog 100 times, or maybe 100 of you that have read 10 posts. Either way, thank you. You don’t have to read them but you’ve chosen to (even if it is out of sheer morbid curiosity of what someone writes when they have a blog).
Part of me is kind of like, “Really E? Who has a blog these days?”, but interestingly enough I have several people in my life who have blogs that range in topic, use, purpose, etc. I’ve recently had a conversation with someone who is also writing a very intelligent blog relating to something very specific to their area of study/likely future career. While our style and topic set are different there was some knowing that we shared in that conversation. We both knew what it was like to put ourselves on display, have some feelings of responsibility to keep the ride going and ultimately to perform well.
Depending upon if this is your first entry you’ve read or not, you probably will have noticed that my writing ranges from being vague and not personal to very personal. I’ve put myself on display in a way and I guess it’s been some kind of experiment to see what happens when what runs around in my head is published into the infinite space that is the web.
There is some freeing in typing something out and hitting “publish” and letting it sit out in the nothingness. Sometimes I get concrete feedback and sometimes the only feedback I get is that 30-60 people read the post (blogger is nice and tracks views per post for you). Either way, there is something validating about putting your “stuff” out there and sharing it.
There is some fear in it also. My thoughts and feelings are out there. You can see them in black and white, per se. I mean obviously I’m not opening myself up enough to the world so that it is harmful for me, but it is still a vulnerable position to be in.
You may notice, or you may not, that my voice is really in all that I write. Whether or not I’m ranting about my horoscope or if I’m being really vulnerable and sharing something as close to home as a piece of myself, my voice is always in it. Doing this, is something I value for myself, and based upon the feedback from my last post, I have said some things that have struck a chord in others.
My last post, was probably as close to my core as I’m willing to go here, and I hope that the depth of what was going on was apparent but that I was also trying to maintain respect and confidence of those in my life, and even those who have passed away. I don’t know how often I’ll get to that level, but the feedback I’ve gotten has been really moving.
I’ve received messages ranging from people who I went to middle school with and haven’t spoken to in ages thanking me for sharing, friends and family letting me know that I was being thought of and I even was told by a handful of people that I made them cry at work (sorry!). But other than an ego boost, what this shows me is really that, even here on this blog, people are seeking to connect. Ultimately, I’m seeking to connect.
I’m an honest person; I’m fairly open in “real life”, and at the risk of you knowing maybe a little more than you may care to, there is some benefit to my sharing. So in staying true to being honest, I feel like the bar has now been set pretty high. I haven't posted in a week because I feel uneasy about posting something meaningless or less powerful than when I shared about something that is very close to my heart that is also currently challenging in my life. Really I only shared it due to the timing in my life versus wanting to be open and share. I’m not sure that the rawness that you read will be a frequent occurrence, and as a result there is part of me, the perfectionist part perhaps, that feels like if my posts don’t hit home the same way then they aren’t as valuable.
I guess what this blog is supposed to serve as is a livejournal (haha, remember those?) of the 2010’s era, and if that is the case then it doesn’t matter if this post does or doesn’t move you. Much like in therapy the process and the relationship is often what is healing in itself versus the technique or what is actually said. In the act of me continuing to write the connection between myself and whoever reads this can grow regardless of what window I'm opening and letting you see into
…and like someone recently said to me “well, you never know what someone will connect with” I guess they are right, those opportunities are endless and boundless. While I’m pretty sure that people’s lives won’t be forever changed based upon a post about texting mishaps, I'll probably still keep writing about things like that - so bear with me!
Until next time (and thank you again),
E
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