sunless tanner + drinking = woops

Self tanner is one of those things that you don't talk about.  It's like Fight Club.  You use it, you see other people who clearly have used it, but you don't talk about it.  You don't say "Hey, nice fake tan" or "Hey, you should probably go easy on that Jersey Shore look you got going on".  

But here I am, talking about it, breaking the first rule.

I leave for Vegas today for one of my best friend's bachelorette weekend (go easy on me Vegas, it's my first time), and I'm really excited to finally go and see what all the hubub is about!

Nature's Gate Sunless Tanner 

So obviously, it would make sense that this morning I woke up hungover (good prep) and streaked with self tanner (bad prep).

I'll back up a little but really that is the punch line.

Last night I was out with some hometown folks which was a lot of fun, maybe too much considering I'm leaving for Vegas today...but I'm on "Vegation" (Vegas + vacation?) so I figured that a few drinks would be good to prep me for the weekend.

Then once I was back home last night and I started to worry about how pale I was (due to the fact that I'm Irishly fair skinned and that it's January).

I suppose what happened was after I Facebook bombed some people (sorry if you were caught in my posting spree...or maybe I'm not sorry) I thought it would be a good idea to apply self tanner to help with this pale problem I have.

I use self tanner once in a while when I know that I will blind people with my whiteness, and when I haven't been in the sun to give me a natural sun related glow.

I've gotten pretty good over the years at applying it evenly and despite the fact that it's clearly fake, and people who know me know that I don't TAN like that, I like to be tan once in a while.  My suggestion is to apply self tanner then go over all the areas with body lotion to smooth out/even out the tanner and add extra moisture and better smelling lotion.

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NOTE:  What is important in terms of health for things like sunless tanner, or any lotion is to make sure that it is PARABIN free (anything in the ingredients that contains the word PARABIN or the like).  Parabins are very very very very bad for you (and in a lot of products) and it actually turns into formaldehyde on your skin.

Gross.

So, for sunless tanning I suggest Nature's Gate (you can get it at Whole Foods).  Looks pretty good on if you can reduce your human error - which was my issue last night.

Also, if you need further reasons to try self tanner, and avoid things like tanning booths, take a look at this video:

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So, to finish my story.

I think last night I assumed that I was good enough at applying it that I should do so before going to bed...allowing for maximum soak-into-skin time, clearly.

Well, the logic was half good.  If I had done a better job applying I'd be proud of myself and I'd have a nice tan.

This morning, however, I woke up with a dark tan in some places and some paler streaks in others.

I literally laughed at myself for the first half hour I was up.  Laughed while making coffee, laughed while making breakfast...it just cracked me up.  What was I thinking?

My mother found it humorous also...her response was "You look like Kramer when he went tanning too much before meeting his girlfriend's family." hahah.   Ouch.  Well, she's right, I did.

Nature's Gate does actually give good color and is as "natural" a look as you can really get when it is NOT natural, but I just have to face the facts....I did a botch job.

I mean we aren't talking how I looked when Neutrogena came out with their first sulness tanner in like 1997 and I had no idea what I was doing.

You remember those days.  Orange like the Oompa Loompas.

Your fingers looked like you had some sort of disease from how dark and blotchy they were, and you clearly had to wear clothes that covered your full body because of how embarrassing it was.  That happened to me probably a couple of times.

And the smell it had. Yuck.

So thankfully it isn't THAT bad...but still pretty funny and just an example of how one is impaired when drinking.  Bad decisions don't always result in something monumental, but maybe something kind of embarrassing like zebra legs.

I'm hoping a long shower and scrub down will minimize the uneven color.

Okay, off to pack and shower and whatnot.

Wish me luck that my tan isn't a focal point (might have to combat it with cleavage to distract the eye) and that it is just an indicator that this trip to Vegas will be hilarious.  I'd be cool with that.

Heed my warning...apply sunless tanner at your own risk when intoxicated.

Until next time,
E

Dance Floor Wars - Bitchy Girls Be Pushing

actual picture from last night, before it got crowded...
and before I figured out why my camera was blurry.

So I'm missing yet another field hockey game because my body is failing me.

I had strep throat and a cold, and now I have a sprained ankle.  

Technically they probably are all my fault because I'm not 18, or even 24, any more and I'm not willing to take up knitting and going to bed at 9pm just yet.  

My latest body failings have come from many fun and late nights, overall just getting run down, changes in temperature/weather and dance floor wars...all my fault, per se, but I'm still allowed to be pissed.

E, what do you mean dance floor wars?

Well I'm pretty sure you've all been in this situation when you've been anywhere crowded where music and moving are included (ie, concerts, dancing at bars, etc).  

A crowded bar where you want to dance is like real estate: location, location, location.

You want to be able to see the live band and sing to them and know they see you, or you want to be far from the smelly bathroom, or you want to be facing a group of guys that are diagonally across from where you are, or you're avoiding another group of guys that are over there, or you just want to keep more than 2 inches between you and the person you're next to who is your friend who is also rocking out.

So even with all these things in mind, typically you make it work.

Last night I was out for one of my best friend's pre-bachelorette, bachelorette night.  We went out in the city so that people who won't be able to make it to Vegas this upcoming weekend, could come.  (Post to come about how freaking excited I am to finally lose my Vegas Virginity, first time to sin city!).

So, last night started like any night.

-You get your drink (a bottle of Magners is all I had, sober driver thank you).

-Head towards the music (live cover band was playing, good mix of music).

-Start to dance (circle/oval of girls up by the band, getting down, some people coming up to the bride and congratulating her).

-Night goes on, bar gets more packed, you get progressively more buzzed and more sweaty.

-Drunk stupid girls arrive, you know the type (there happened to be lots of them).

-The available space in the bar decreases, we sacrifice some of our space to accommodate (but damnit we were here for a while, we're not moving completely).

Then, which is also typical I've realized as I came up to 25 years old and passed it by, that the pushing becomes unbearably frustrating.

WHY would someone ever need to lean their full body weight into me while dancing and moving?  WHY?  A bump bump here and a bump bump there? I don't mind that, but literally when you are pushing someone, it's just beyond uncalled for.  

You don't deserve to stand where I am any more than I do.  

First come first served, bitches. 

blurry bride is good for
anonymity and for
blog post decorations.

(Unless, of course, I really want your spot, but I'd be more clever I wouldn't be leaning on your sweaty ass.)

So, the pushing began from both sides of the oval we formed...To be fair we had a prime spot, and there were 8 of us, so we were a big group.  We clearly were having a bachelorette night and that takes priority over just your lame/regular Saturday night.  

So on one side there were 2 of the girls in our party really trying to keep the group on that side at bay, and protect the spot, as well as me and this other girl guarding the other side.

It got to the point where I was pretty sure a fight was going to start on the other side of the circle and I was not willing to get into a brawl over where we were dancing.  I've seen this happen, more pushing, more yelling, smacking and then someone is picked up by a bouncer and brought outside and then drama ensues or it ends the night.

I'm glad that it didn't get to that point. I mean I knew the girls we were with were fine, but who knows who the girls were that were pushing them were...they could be unhinged and freak out and hurt someone.

This was the look I was kind of going for.

Keep in mind I was sober, I had a drink earlier (and a coffee) and then one drink at the bar, and this might have made me less patient, or more, hard to know.  Also, just an FYI, I swear I'm a decent dancer when I'm not trying to scare people off.

There were three young girls behind me.  They clearly wanted to be dancing where we were and weren't just drunk and clumsily bumping into me.  That would have been annoying but fine.  We are talking fully leaning back on me.  Several times I tried to move out of the way hoping the girl would fall and give it up, but she was leaning on me with so much of her weight that I couldn't move quickly enough.

So I had to think about what else I could do that wasn't violent, in order to get the point across that saying "Stop leaning on me, we're not moving" didn't. 

Fortunately, an opportunity arose.  They sent one of their guy friends to start dancing up on me.  So I deftly turned around.

I danced on him in a bit of an exaggerated way, I mean if I hadn't followed it up with then moving to the three girls and dancing up on them and shimmying in their faces, I might have been able to pass it off as real dancing.  

It was then abundantly clear that I was angrily and obnoxiously dancing on them.  Like, oh yah? you're going to practically LAY on me...well I'm going to shake these in your face.  I probably made a smirk of a face too because I'm not very able to hide how I feel when I'm angry.  

Needless to say they were kind of freaked, or I'd like to think they thought I was someone with a screw loose and didn't want to push up on me again.  

Either way they backed away.  They tried to infiltrate another part of the oval an hour or so later but we managed to bring in some other groups of people to dance with us, we were too large of a force to be reckoned with.

So why am I really bringing this up?  Because when I was spastically dancing or flailing my limbs around at these rude bitches I managed to twist my ankle, and I'm mad I'm missing field hockey.  

I obviously didn't skip a beat because I was making a point, but let's just say it really hurts now and it will likely hurt for a few more days...

Plus it's just a shitty way to behave (their behavior, mainly, obviously)...we're all adults in theory here (in a bar), right?

Why are dance floor wars even an issue, why can't people just back off and stop with the damn pushing?  Just dance where you are and let the people around you do the same.

My fear is that the fact that I even have an issue with this is because I'm outgrowing (AKA aging out of) my dancing days.

Am I just getting old and I shouldn't be out dancing in bars anymore?  If one can't tolerate the pushing is that your cue to leave?

...and if it's been snowing, and I plan on dancing, why am I surprised when I twist my ankle in black high wedged boots when I'm trying to fight dance wars?

Those last couple questions are rhetorical.  I'm not sure I want to know the answer to these, quite yet.

Anyway, it was a fun night despite the dance war hiccups with great friends and that ultimately is all that matters!

Happy dancing to y'all, and speedy healing to my lame ankle.

Until next time,

E

SOPA/PIPA uproar as an example of how to make change

You've been on Facebook, or on NYTimes.com, or talked to someone who uses a computer regularly and you've heard about SOPA/PIPA. 

Maybe you don't know exactly what it is all about, but the general gist you've gathered is that people are worried about having a censored internet.

Today Wikipedia is "dark" for the day in protest of SOPA/PIPA.  If you need to find out random facts, or want to "create your own album title by using he random articles link" you will have to google or wait until tomorrow.

Obama just released that he does not support this piracy legisaltion, so you can take a deep breath that for now our internet access won't change for the time being.

My understanding is part of the actual purpose of SOPA/PIPA is to cut down on the types of sites that allow for large amounts of pirating of information (music, movies, etc), which are typically not US based websites.  What has a lot of people upset is the implications of what else they could censor, and the fact that nothing should be censored, we're freaking America.

While I'm not really thrilled at the idea of having less access to free stuff, if there are copyright infringements, then frankly there probably SHOULD be some regulation to be taking better care of these things.  Think of your friends who are local artists and how they will now have a much harder time making any money on the album they put together because people can download pirated copies versus paying a buck a song on iTunes.  This relly hurts the little guys.  The big stars make most of their money doing tours and concerts, and frankly that change came when lovely Napster reared its ugly (but at the time awesome) head.  But still, if we aren't paying for what we consume, it hurts someone, likely the little guy.

The big internet guys - Facebook, Google, Reddit, etc. have come out and said that the current legislation that is trying to be passed isn't good enough, and that a lot of revisions would need to be made to make sure that the consumer and the web based companies are both protected but also remain with free will/access to whatever they please. 

This is a funny "Day the Music Died" parody abou SOPA/PIPA.

The reason I'm posting about this is not because I'm worried about the internet.  I think that it will work out, we're loud enough as a community (the internet community) to really make changes.  Look what happens when some large websites protest, and people spread the word on things like twitter/facebook.  Everyone knows about it, people are up in arms, and then Obama, or whoever is forced to take a stand about it. 

This is true with anything. 

If we make enough noise we can make change happen. 

The squeaky wheel gets the grease.

I have to be honest.  While I really am anti censorship and stand behind making sure the regulations are fair and realistic, I'm a little embarrased by the sheer volume of outrage at this legislation compared to other issues.

Why?

Because I have never seen so many FB statuses, so much discussion, etc about ANY other cause/legislation/etc. 

Even the Occupy movement was more splintered and there were a fair amount of people who posted about it that were annoyed about the change trying to be made (or maybe just the way it's being gone about), but even something bigger, dealing with something bigger, didn't get as much of a push as SOPA/PIPA is.

When we feel our day to day life is threatened, when we worry that we won't be able to read Perez at work, or when we worry that we might have to pay for those movie downloads, we act out.  I'm not saying we shouldn't act out...but where are our values, what is most important to us?  What about the people who don't have much of a voice, people without internet, what about their struggles?

Why are we not as motivated or pushed to raise our voices all together to call for change about education in this country, or about the poverty we have IN this country, or about woman's rights, equal rights, etc etc etc etc...nevermind all the things/aweful scenerios we can get upset about happening abroad.

I don't know. 

I feel it's necissary we stand up for what we feel is important...but when did the internet trump actual human issues?  I'm guilty of it too...this isn't about you, it's about all of us. 

I use Facebook a lot.  I blog.  I email.  I read my news online...But I also think it's important that we get this loud about things that are more fundamental like health, wellness, education, etc.

Look what is already happening from our voices about SOPA/PIPA.

Imagine what we could do if we all came together like this and were really loud about something else, something more...important, dare I say.

Until next time (if I'm not censored),

E

ps.  Can Pippa sue the SOPA/PIPA legislation for accidental defamation of character? I bet it has some people confused. :) 

happy blogiversary to E

Blogiversary: (noun): when you should probably start to think about having other hobbies.

Oh well. 

It seems very fitting that for my one year Blogiversary I have writer's block.  Even when I went back and read all 84 posts thus far (yes, I actually did that on one of my sick days this week), I still couldn't really think of what I wanted to write about today.

How do you follow that last post, really anyway?

Do people even celebrate blogiversaries? 

Is it as socially awkward as like, celebrating one's role-playing avitar's birthday? 

Or is it more endearing, but still kind of ridiculous, like buying your pets birthday presents and baking a pet food cake? 

Speaking of.  Let me take this opportunity today to wish a Happy 14th birthday to my pup, Mocha Bear!  

We are pretty sure it's your actual birthday today, but we forgot the exact day it was years ago...I love you, you old lady, you!

Maybe I should have written the whole post about my old dog.  Too much? I know what you're thinking...Howwwww is this chick single?

I digress. 

I mock myself, but I'm proud of fact that I've maintained this blog and I think I at least wrote a few pretty good posts.

Either way I have to write something to mark this blogcasion.

Something! Anything! Even if it's not one of my most timely, or funniest, most moving, or relatable (is that a word? looks funny), or nostalgic, or even it not being mine at all.   

So what can I write about?  

I thought about...

• identifying other good things about the number 1 (feeling empowered after a one night stand (actually this is a whole post worthy idea...damn double standards), the number has not much to lose but much to gain, it's the first prime number, #1 means you're #winning...I could go on and on)
• summing up the last year of blogging (umm...there are 84 posts...lots to sum up. I graduated from Grad School, got two jobs, had to move home, had some interesting dating experiences, still single, overall happy though sometimes it was tough, and I don't transition well when my plans go to shit...but I'm working on it)
• talking about how much can happen in someone's life in a year (people in/out of relationships, engagements/marriages, different jobs, loss, new beginnings, lots changing, not much changing)
• exploring how different things are now for me than when I started (different living situation, working vs. in school, a year older and wiser...)
• setting intentions for the next year of blogging (keep working on the quality/frequency, get more guest entries, maybe make a website, maybe stop blogging, maybe write a book instead?)
• asking for suggestions for topics for the next year (do you have suggestions?)

etc

etc

etc

None of them really warrant more than a line or two in this post.  Nothing seems fitting to follow a year of me pouring parts of myself onto the virtual pages of this blog...

Hmph.  

...except one thing. 

To thank you.

Thank you to those of you who read one post.

Thank you to those of you who read every post.

Thank you to those of you who read a not-so-great post, and came back.

Thank you for being patient with typos, poor grammar, and my stream of quasi-consciousness writing style.

Thank you to those of you who commented either here, on Facebook or in private to me. Continue to comment please, feedback is super helpful and keeps me motivated!

Thank you for the people who reached out to thank ME. 

Thank you to the people who tell me "Hey! I read your blog!" I might get embarrassed sometimes, but, really...thank you.

Thank you to those of you who allowed me to take up your time either at home, on your phone, at work (no...you're welcome on that one), etc.

Thank you to those of you who shared a post with someone else.

Thank you Connor Mead and future guest bloggers.

Thank you to those lawyer guys, online dating guys, exes, flings, random dudes...you got me some nice food, some nice drinks, some good times and some good material.

Thank you mom for bearing with me through the posts that you probably shouldn't have read.

Thanks to the people in my life for not rolling your eyes every time I said "I should write a post about that!".

Thanks to the people in my life who say "You should write a post about that!".

Thank you to my friends for still asking me how I'm doing or how my date went even though it ended up on my blog before we got a chance to catch up (or maybe you should read it more frequently...) but either way, I love you guys.

Thank you to the cosmos for letting things ultimately fall into place.

Thanks for joining me at the start of a new year.

Yeah.  That just happened.  I just blogiversaried all over you...sorry.

It's amazing how much I can actually write with writer's block.  I may have a rambling problem.

Until next time...because you know there will be a next time,

E

since when is the clap the new strep throat?

I have Strep.

Today was my second sick day and I'm still contagious as of tomorrow (24 hours on antibiotics).  So looks like I'll be stuck at home again tomorrow.

You know you're an adult when having to take a sick day totally sucks.

It's not like it used to be when you'd be home for a day or two from school, watch tv, your mom would make you grilled cheese and you'd get to stay in PJs all day, and you were happy about it.

Now it's like you're home all day, stir crazy, maybe your mom makes/brings you chicken soup (thanks mom), but you don't even feel up to watching TV and you are not happy about missing work and falling behind.  I am, however, planning to watch Princes Bride today (for the second time in the last week or so...great Chanukah/Christmas present, favorite movie).

What also was on the agenda today was the doctors.  Since I can't really afford to "ride it out" and just worry about making up my english reading or algebra homework, I had to figure out what the hell is wrong with me.  I have glands the size of golf balls, okay more like walnuts, it hurts to swallow, a bad head ache, a fever and body aches.  No bueno.

You know it's bad when in your dreams it hurts to swallow the drink you're drinking or the food you're eating.   Ouch.  Strep, I think you got me again.

It's been a little over a year and a half since I got Strep and I remember it pretty clearly because my going to the doctor experience was mildly traumatizing.  

Let me repeat that...the last time I got STREP it was mildly traumatizing...You'll understand why I want that to be very clear, other than the obvious...the story is embarrassing enough as it is.

But it's a funny story (now), so I'll tell you anyway.  Ohh, please let this not be the first post of mine you're reading...oy.

****

Anyway, it was a summer day in 2010 and I felt like I was swallowing glass.  

Again, no bueno.  

I called my PCP and scheduled an appointment to go in and get tested for Strep and to get some antibiotics.  Now I'm not someone who grew up taking tons of antibiotics so you know it's bad when I'm seeking them out. I've probably taken them under 10 times in my whole life and as a result they work fairly quickly and efficiently on me.  

With something less painful/less acute I typically utilize other forms of medicine in combination with lots of sleep/hydration/etc...but when you cant even swallow the saliva (sorry, gross) that's in your mouth you know you have to do something.

So I innocently went to my PCP's office, where they told me I'd be seeing the NP who was on call for walk-ins that day.  

No problem, this will be easy in, easy out.

Wrong.

The nurse took my vitals and was really sweet, left the room to get the NP, off to a great start.  

The NP walks in and I thought, she's young and pretty...she must be nice.  

Wrong.

This is what happened:

NP: Hey there E, how you feeling?

E: Not good, I have a really bad sore throat and I feel like crap.

NP: (without looking in my throat, mind you) Hmm, when's the last time your performed oral sex?

E: (Shocked and speechless)...why does that matter?

NP: Well it's possible you have Gonorrhea of the throat.  I need to know when the last time was.  

E: (horrified) I've never heard of that.  How long would it take to show up from that?

NP: About a week?

E: Well then it definitely isn't that.

NP:  Well we can't be sure, I'll need to test you for that.

E: Seriously? Isn't it more likely it's just Strep? or Mono? or like, the flu?

NP: I don't know, let me look.  (for the first time she looks in my mouth) Gasp! Wow, it's really swollen in there!

E: Uhh, yah, I have Strep throat.

NP: (She swabbed my throat then she sat back on her stool and looked at me earnestly) You didn't gag or anything.   (I mean I thought this was still about the oral sex thing...I couldn't make this shit up)

E: Excuuuse me?! (I really said it like that)

NP: E, have you ever thrown up your food to lose weight?

E: No, why would you say that? I didn't gag because my throat is so sore I couldn't feel you swabbing it...

NP:  Well you're a pretty girl, I don't know, sometimes people resort to being anorexic.

E: I would not look like this if I was anorexic.  (I said, starting to get pissed) I'm pretty sure I have Strep throat.  (little did she know I was studying to be a therapist at the time, and I knew that if I was purging frequently enough to mess my throat up that badly, I'd more likely be bulimic...and I wasn't either of those things)

Then I started to get worried.  This NP thinks not only am I a slut, but that I have a raging eating disorder and that I'm lying about what I think is wrong with me.

NP: Well I have several things I have to test you for today, if it's Gonorrhea of the throat you will have to come back and get an antibiotic shot in your butt cheek.

E: Oh god.  

NP: Well, and just in case, we'll start you on medication for Strep.

...and with that she left.

Just in case!? Where the hell did her bedside manner training go?  

Gonorrhea of the throat? Are you f'ing kidding me!? That's the FIRST thing you think of when you hear sore throat!?  

It was probably something she heard of once in NP school or something and thought, EUREKA! I've found it! My favorite disease I learned about!

I mean I was horrified.  I knew it was Strep, there was no way I had The Clap in my throat, but I felt violated by this lady who clearly either wanted me to feel like an idiot/floozy, or just was so green to the field that she didn't know what she was talking about.

Well, shocker of the century, all I had was Strep throat.

****

After this fiasco I spoke to a family friend of mine who is an OBGYN and she said in her ~30 years she has never seen a case of Gonorrhea of the throat.  

She also told me I should report this lady.  I didn't, I figured she hopefully was self aware enough that she realized she had f'd up and that she would treat people better next time.   Also I had good experiences with NP's before so I thought maybe it was a fluke.

But guess who my appointment was with today?  Yep, same lady.  Needless to say I was a bit anxious about seeing her again, under similar circumstances.  I kind of wish I had made a formal complaint and maybe I wouldn't have had to face her again with another sore throat.  Maybe time for a new PCP's office.

I thought by God if she tries that shit again, I'm going to go ballistic on her.  

It was fine, she didn't remember me.  

She said "I'd be shocked if it wasn't strep throat!" (yah where was your logic last time lady?).  She commented again on the gagging thing...although this time she said "I'm impressed" (a lot changes in a year and a half, apparently). 

She complimented my hair (it's up, I've been sick it's not cute) and she tested me for Strep. I'm on an antibiotic. I should feel better in a couple of days.

I'm not sure what the lesson is here, but maybe there is one.  

My takeaway is, Dear God I hope I never get The Clap in my throat...like women need more of an excuse to not give oral sex.  

No but seriously, maybe she was really new and anxious, made some terrible choices of small talk, and happened to be afraid that I had something obscure.

Hahaha...well if you can't laugh at yourself, then life will be pretty challenging, won't it?

My hope though, is my sharing of this offensive/embarrassing story that ended fine, it helps you let go of some of your embarrassing moments.  Holding onto them keeps us in a place of, well feeling embarrassed, which I think is one of the more uncomfortable feelings we experience.  

Feel free to anonymously share some of your stories here...or if you'd like to guest blog an experience people might find funny, let me know.  

We're all human these things happen.

Wishing you all a happy and HEALTHY and Clap-free 2012.

Until next time,

E

anger management

I got in a fight this morning with my mom. 

 

Yes I'm an adult, and no I'm not proud of the fact that I reacted like a 15 year old.

 

As most of you know, I live with my mom right now as I transition back to the real world again post-masters, and while it's typically easy going and I feel lucky that I have the option to shack up rent free there with my mom (who is very cool and great to be around, my friends can attest to this), some of the time I want to pull my hair out. 

 

I'm beyond ready to live back on my own as is age/developmentally appropriate, but I have to wait just a bit longer - financially speaking.

 

So that "some of the time" was this morning. 

 

I had made breakfast, put my dishes in the sink since a few other dishes were in there (so I just assumed the dishwasher was clean and I didn't have time to empty it before I left for work).  From down the hall my mom said "The dishwasher isn't clean you could have put your dishes in there".

 

Okay so that is litterally what she said.

What I heard was more "I'm sick of telling you to put your dishes in the dishwasher, you don't empty it enough, you don't help out around the house enough, you're not pulling your weight, you aren't appreciative enough that I let you live here and this is my house and you should be doing this without me asking". 

 

It IS possible that there was some of that tone, I know my  mom well enough to know that maybe there were some of those brief flashes of thought, but really she was technically just letting me know that the dishwasher wasn't clean and I could have put my dish in it versus the sink (which I would have if there weren't dishes in the sink already).

 

What I should have said was "Okay, I didn't know, I'll do it later" (or in a minute, which might have been best) but immediately I got defensive.

 

With a raised voice and some profanities...I was clearly angry.  I'm thinking "I help out a lot, I do things for my mom, we just finished a holiday weekend where I bought her some nice things that I had hoped showed my appreciation more than just my millions of "thank you's" that I give her, I help out when I can, I'm not a kid, I don't need a chore chart, what the hell she doesn't even notice I help out, she thinks I'm not appreiciative, she doesn't appreciate ME, I wouldn't have to answer to anyone if I lived on my own, I should be living on my own, why is she treating me like a kid, I'm not a kid (did I say that already?)".  

So we argued.  Back and forth a little.  I'd say we probably both said things that weren't appropriate for two adults who are normally level-headed...but this shit happens with parents and children...even if the children are adults.

 

Anyway, you get the point.  Many layers, combined with the fact that I hate dishes and the dishwasher (an ongoing joke in my household growing up is that once my kids can walk they are emptying the dishwasher), and that I was getting ready for work, I was a bit tired from being out late last night, and feeling a bit punchy. 

 

Perfect storm for an argument.

 

Like I said, I'm not proud of this.  What a stupid thing to argue about.  Bigger problems in the world and bigger problems in my life frankly that I don't even really know why that pissed me off so much.

 

I overreacted.  I acted like a kid, I felt like I was being talked to like a kid again and old patterns kind of came out naturally without being really aware of it.

 

So the layers of my thoughts/reaction all point to something actually other than anger - shame, embarrasement, frustration, stress, hurt, for example.

 

Just to use another situation as context - I have a couple of friends who had a tiff recently and they were both angry at eachother, but really what had happend is one was in a hurt sad place about something, and the other commented on it.  The first lashed out due to being "injured" emotionally by this, which then injured the second friend.  Argument ensues.  Anger is expressed. 

 

What is really going on? Hurt, frustration, misscommunication, missunderstanding, feelings of judgement, embarrassment perhaps?  I'm not sure exactly, since I'm not in their heads, but I'm fairly certain there were things going on OTHER than anger that lead to anger. 

 

I'm sure we've all been a part of these tiffs between friends, I've been angry at friends before and typically it's because I'm sad I haven't seen them in a while and feel a bit neglected by them, or felt hurt I wasn't included in something I felt I should have been.  Usually these are fleeting feelings of anger, but still, it's based upon something else.  Anger is just the way it's expressed but really it's something else.

 

Why am I bringing this up?  Well I think it's really important to look at what anger is.  There is a lot of anger in the world and it's not always as productive as it was developed evolutionarily to be.

 

I explain to my clients a lot that anger is something we all experience, there are times that it is important - such as when there is an injustice done to us and the anger helps protect us and get what we need out of a situation (anger likely puts the biggest fire under your ass as a motivator I'd guess)...but I also explain that often anger isn't really anger at all...it's sadness, it's frustration, it's embarrasement, it's hurt.  Often acting or reacting in anger is contributing to making a situation worse.

 

I said it, key words: anger is a reaction. I'd argue it's not a primary "emotion" but more of a primal reaction. 

As I said, it's served us well in some ways evolutionarily and even in day-to-day life, but I think it's a bit overused, and I'm guilty of it myself.

 

Anger is one of the easier things to feel.  Sometimes it even feels good. You know what I mean?   You're angry about something and you feel very right about it, and  you feel some passion about what you are either defending or arguing against, it's powerful.  But I think because it's "easy" we can go from 0-60 on anger when the right buttons are pushed.  It's a bit too easy. 

 

If we don't examine our anger, what triggers it, what we are actually angry about, what the emotions/thoughts/feelings are UNDERNEATH it, then it's much harder to control or change.

 

For instance, I wasn't angry really that my mom told me the dishwasher was dirty and I could put my dishes in there.  I was annoyed maybe, but I was more frustrated about living there, hurt that I felt she didn't appreciate what I do around the house and maybe embarrased that I don't do enough.

 

Working primarily with teens I see a lot of "angry kids".  As I often explain to their parents, I feel that their anger is not that they have "anger issues" but that likely they're sad, frustrated, confused, lonely, hurt, embarrased, and haven't developed the skills of expressing and processing these emotions. Granted even a twenty-something has a day when she can't express and process her emotions, but teens have a particularly hard time with this. 

 

If the skills to understand and manage ones anger aren't developed during those years, you wind up with many angry adults who walk around feeling pissed off.  Ever notice how contagious anger is? It's like a yawn. Someone is angry, and you see it, and it's hard not to feed off of it.  This is often what happens in parent-child arguments, intimate relationship arguments, etc.  One is angry (although I'd argue sad/hurt/frustrated/confused, etc) and the other reacts in kind.  Angry. 

 

So the cycle of anger is an important one to pay attention to, it's important because not only do we effect how we feel when we're angry, and even worse when we act in anger, but we also infect others when we're angry.

 

We all get angry.  It's human.  But what we do with it, how we understand it, and how we manage it is ultimately what is important.

 

 

Go figure that after the argument this morning I had some extra timeand put my dishes in the dishwasher and ran the dishwasher... An argument technically over nothing, but an indication that there is a lot still going on in me about living at home. 

 

Aaaand I forgot my to-go coffee on the counter.  Kharma's a bitch.

Sorry mom, I know you'll read this, I'll empty the dishwasher when I get home.

Until next time,
hopefully less angrE