life is about changing...

So for the first time, in essentially my whole life, I have no idea what I'll be doing next. I feel like I'm a bit off track

Preschool leads to kindergarten.
Kindergarten leads to grade school.
Grade school leads to the awkward years of middle school.
Middle school leads to starting to find self and high school.
High school is an attempt at prepping you for college.
College leads to career.

Career leads to change in career?
Masters leads to...

As some of you know that until next week (internship ends) I do therapy with college students. Many of my seniors are not sure what they will do for careers or their first job. Many of them agen't sure if they want to stay in this area or explore other parts of the world. Some of them are in panic mode and some are pretending to be calm and collected.

I was fortunate to graduate with a job after undergrad in advertising. I didn't have the anxiety of "what's next?"...despite the not great starting salary, financial independence was in sight.

When I decided to change careers, I did just that...decided. I applied and made the change, and while this had its challenges and scary moments I at least "knew" what was ahead.

So now I'm a later twenty-something and I'm in the same boat as many of my seniors who are 22.

I don't have a job laid out and nailed down, I don't have a solid plan on where I'd really like to be, although likely for cost and whatnot, I'll likely stay fairly local...although there are things that feel like they could pull me elsewhere.

Unlike undergrad I don't have financial stability in sight, though I know that I will, I just have to be patient.

Despite not being too worried (faking some calm and collectedness) I am feeling a bit anxious about being cast into the ether and starting from scratch.

I have one week from today until my graduate career is over, I will now have some letters that come after my name, and other than direct loan bills and a diploma that will sit in a $150 frame, I won't have too much to show for it...yet.

I am beyond excited to find my niche, find a setting where I'm around like-minded people, work with amazing clients who while they struggle can be infinitely inspiring...

So I rest assured that this will come, maybe not right away but that is my trajectory.

So why am I still worried? Well you may not know this but I'm human. Big changes and the unknown can be scary and unnerving despite being exciting and important.

I've been paying extra attention to what I tell my seniors about managing expectations and balancing this with having high goals for themselves, as well as trusting that they can make good things happen for themselves and that worst case they can actually make other changes should it not pan out. I've been paying attention because frankly I've been convincing myself this will be okay. It will be better than okay.

There was a country song that I remember from growing up (my step dad and mom listened a lot) that touched me even then...the song progresses through someone's life, with good and bad things such as love and loss...a line that really is important is

"Life is about changing, nothing ever stays the same."

There is great beauty and wisdom in this...

So if I'm living life, accepting change and moving forward, I suppose I'm not as off track as I thought.

Until next time,
E

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Doing yoga and not being pretentious.

I'm hoping that isn't tough to accomplish.

It is my understanding that the point of yoga is to marry body and mind, stretch your muscles and even combine it with psychotherapy as an exponentially benefiting treatment.

Then tell me why a yoga t-shirt (to its credit: it’s that really thin, soft cotton with a pretty Zen logo on it) was over $140 at the retreat center I was at this weekend? And also, explain to me why people who do yoga claim it as their practice: "I've had my yoga practice for 12 years".  It actually took me until this weekend to realize this meant this person has been practicing yoga for 12 years, versus owning/running a studio.

I guess by that logic I've had a running practice or even a TV watching practice for many, many years...but no one seems impressed by this.

So what happened to the Zen, mother earth and self-care authenticity of yoga as a moving mediation, as it was for the last couple thousands of years? The Dalai Lama must be pissed.

Don't get me wrong, the introduction I got to yoga this weekend was great, I really enjoyed it especially in the context of psychology.  The workshop I was at this weekend was centered on Tal Ben Shahar's (hailing from Harvard) work with combining yoga, positive psychology and mindfulness to maximize therapeutic effects (physically, emotionally and mentally).  

Instead of going into all of the psychobabble, I will just tip my hat to the amazing weekend of teachings and say that I thought it was enlightening.  His take on life as well as understanding of the brain and what helps people make changes is helpful for my personal pursuit of being happier, healthier and more fulfilled, as well as helping to inform better therapy for my clients (if you are interested in the psychobabble and clinical applications, let me know). I recommend you pick up his books, specifically Happier.

Frankly, I'm just introspective enough mixed with expensive taste that the potential affluent community yoga could foster is even partially appealing, if I'm being completely honest with you.  In that vein, I'm surprised I didn't come to yoga sooner...

Of course I don't think all of you who "have a yoga practice" are snotty folks walking around in draping clothing and comfy stretch pants (although I could totally get used to that wardrobe, let me tell you)…but it does make me wonder about what it would mean for me to do yoga.  Would I be doing yoga for my own health and benefit? Would I be doing it to be part of the in in crowd?

Something that I've heard from others, who also haven't dipped their toe into the yoga pond yet, is that they feel intimidated.  I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and she was saying "I'm too nervous to go to a class, it makes me anxious", which I totally understand.  Before I had done a couple classes, my mental picture of it was that it was almost like taking ballet:  striving for perfection, hitting the poses/positions just right and that it has a slightly competitive nature between you and the others in the class.  

My understanding is there are some studios like this, but also that many are (like the one I was a this weekend) about allowing yourself to be human, pushing yourself when you feel you can/want to, and really getting comfortable with Mountain, Happy Babby, Warrior, Pigeon, or whatever.

So where does this all leave me?  Well it leaves me with wanting to do yoga but not wanting to feel intimidated.  Ultimately I don't want my yoga experiences to land me feeling badly about my dwindled flexibility (from my gymnastics days), the fact that I can't hold some of the balancing positions very well yet and that I'm not a twiggy ballerina. 

It looks like I'll have to shop around and find a studio that is down to earth...at least until I'm good enough to be pretentious about it.

Until next time,

E

saying bye to my past year

I had a tough day today.  It was one of those days where it felt like every. little. thing. is going wrong.

I didn’t sleep well, I overslept, I didn’t get to eat breakfast, I was rushing and dropped my phone as I left my apt and the screen shattered, I missed the bus, the next bus was slow and got caught in traffic, I was late to class and had to wait what feels like forever to get coffee into my system…

I also was feeling particularly overwhelmed with the amount of work I have to do in the next 10 days, since I’ll be going away this weekend and wont have the opportunity to do catch up…so all in all, it was just one of those days.

I have to admit, though it’s embarrassing, I was sad today.  It is embarrassing because I have this visceral negative response to being sad, I don’t like it. I much prefer to be happy and laugh and I even prefer to be angry.  Sad, is just, well, a sad place to be. 

I’m not completely sure why I was sad but I bet it has something to do with feeling overwhelmed, not being quite in the place I want to be at this point (you know like having a sweet job, sweet boyfriend, sweet everything) and that I just feel like I’ve had a couple tough years, and I want to catch a break.

Oh, and my birthday is tomorrow.  Maaaybe that has something to do with it.

So, I’m now another year older, and hopefully wiser… I’m hoping that what is in store for me is not more of what felt like was a negative culmination of the year today (like broken things and a lot of stress); but instead a time of great growth, happiness, love, prosperity, health for myself and those around me and a much needed break.  A break from loss, a break from disappointment, a break from the realities of being an adult while becoming more of an adult…

What do you think?

Yah, I know.  Frankly, I’ll take those things as long as the other positive things come with it.

I’m more ready than ever for great things to happen, and while it’s scary and sad that school is coming to an end, I have to find a job, I have a lot of gray hair and no man to speak of…I actually think things will start to shift. 

So I’m putting out the intention (not to get all The Secret on you) that this year will be a fantastic year for me; with a lot of new beginnings, great learnings, continued health of myself, health and happiness for those in my life and for some of the big pieces of my life to finally fall into place.

There...it’s done!  I'm saying bye to my past year...and hello to my next! :)

Cheers!

Until next time,

The New and Improved E

The Trials and Tribulations of Spring Cleaning: Clothes

I'm in need of clothes I like, and instead I have drawers and a closet full of stuff I either don't wear anymore, or that needs to be thrown out since it looks like it's been worn by someone weekly, since 1974.

Because I don't have a clear sense on what I really have, and before I blow a bunch of money on new stuff that suits me, it has become increasingly clear that I'm better off starting by getting rid of the useless stuff.  While it will feel like I have "less" it will just be easier to find my go-to favorites, and I'll have less trouble closing the overflowing drawer of tank tops I have.

So I think I would end up with 3 piles that I'd need to figure out what to do with:

Trash:

• I love this, I wore it to death, and now it wouldn't even suffice as a layering piece it's so worn out. 
• This is misshapen/stained/ripped/I inadvertently shrunk it in the dryer and even a 4 year old couldn't fit into it now.

Donate:

• This doesn't fit me anymore/I don't like it anymore and it's in good shape, someone might be okay with buying it for cheap.
• This is a quality item but I have no use for it, someone might buy it for a bit more at a nice thrift shop.

Not sure what to do:

• This has sentimental value and I'm not sure I can part with it, but I'm never going to put it on, or wear it outside of my apartment such as endless amount of promotional t-shirts...the most comfortable and/or funny ones I do wear when I run (my Miller "I tapped that glass" t-shirt is always a crowd pleaser).
• I like this but haven't had the opportunity to wear it in a while, an I can't anticipate when I will wear it, did I mention I think I like it?
• This USED to fit me, and I really like it.  It is now too small, and I hope I'll be thin enough one day to wear it again.
• This USED to fit me.  It is now too big, and I hope I never fit into it again...but if I do, I'd rather be miserable due to my weight, versus miserable to have to go out and buy new "bigger" things.

The not sure what to do pile is where I get stumped, not as clear cut as trash/donate.

Do you have recommendations of good organizations that take clothing donations that are a fundamentally good company/charity/etc?

Should I just donate everything versus worrying about a couple higher end things for a thrifty/nicer second hand store?

Do you have recommendations on how to decide to purge/keep those hard to part with items?

Feedback is much appreciated!   Thanks y'all...

Until next time,
E

righting a capsized ship

So, I go to therapy.  It’s my opinion (more than ever since I started getting my own) that every therapist should get some therapy at some points during their careers.  The value of it is to understand what it is to be a therapy client, continue to work and grow as a human and a clinician, as well as working on managing carrying the weight of many people’s painful/tragic/amazing/wonderful/miraculous life stories…as well as your own.

I also think that there is value in walking the walk.  I think that therapy can help the “worried well” possibly just as much as those with more severe diagnoses or troubles.  When I say worried well (I forget where I heard that term, probably a professor), I mean the people who aren’t compromised by mental health challenges; but the people who could benefit from some objective feedback on things like interpersonal challenges, relationship challenges, managing stress, dealing with loss, etc. 

I mean to be fair, we all experience hardships, no?  I mean if you’re perfect and you have no challenges, and you can’t grow and understand yourself better, then sign yourself up for some studies because you are really one of the rare specimens…

Anyway, enough of that soap box (though I strongly suggest it for anyone)…

I was walking home from my therapy appointment today and stopped on the way at Trader Joes to pick up some yummy dinner stuff for the rest of the week (I’m newly obsessed with their Thai and Indian frozen food). 

I had my Pandora playing while I was in TJ’s as it makes the shopping experience less stressful, since there were about 372 other people in there.  While it was distracting I wasn’t actually paying attention to the songs that were playing.  It was acting as my buffer to all the stimuli of the people in the store so I could get in and get out.  I wanted to be in myself a little after the session I had.

I had talked about some recent disappointments that had come up, and I don’t know about you…but disappointment is one of the hardest things for me to experience.  I typically make decisions or am strategic enough that I avoid disappointment for the most part, but when it hits me I have a hard time with it.

Disappointment is this funny thing where it can knock the wind out of your sails in a different way than sadness, because it means that there was an expectation that wasn’t met, or a hope that wasn’t realized.  The vision of something that could have been, is no longer. 

We all have this feeling from time to time, but I guess what is important is what we do with it.  Do we take it and let it throw us off course?  Do we ignore it, breeze past it and distract ourselves with whatever expectation/hope is on the horizon?  Maybe what’s healthy is somewhere in the middle…some sort of acknowledgment and then, letting it go.

On my walk home it began to rain, which it has been doing on and off for the last day or so, and in that moment instead of pulling out my umbrella I keyed into the music that was playing in my ears.  Sometimes I’m not really listening, like in TJ’s, when I’m distracted, or its just quietly in the background…but in this moment I was locked into the song that was playing. 

It was a fairly upbeat song, which almost compelled me to kind of dance down the sidewalk with my groceries, but seeing as I’m not in a perpetual music video (where all the other people on the sidewalk would join in…and we would sing and dance in the rain…ever have that fantasy?) I just added some more rhythm to my strut, rather subconsciously.

Anywho.  The next song was a bit slower, which made me listen to the words.  The words were something I can’t even remember now a couple hours later, since the connection I had with them was fleeting. In the moment I thought, “How does Pandora know what I’m thinking?”.

I don’t really think that, but you know that feeling when a song comes on the radio and it is exactly what you needed in that moment.  It clarified something for me and in that moment there was relief about the things I was worrying about.

I mean there is a chicken-egg effect of mood on music, and music on mood…this is why I tell my clients who have a hard time regulating their moods, or are easily triggered into a negative mood “if you’re feeling sad, steer clear of sad music…if you’re angry, something soothing may be a good bet”.  Regardless, the song was helpful.

By the time I was home, I was decompressed from my session, had an extra bounce in my step, but most importantly I also had allowed myself the time to feel disappointed, and then that was it.

Like I typically do, I’m back to baseline, feeling pretty good, had some Thai food, I might have a glass of wine and clean my room…maybe get some work done, I don’t know, I don’t know if I’ll have enough time…

There is relief in letting yourself feel things that you typically fight off.  There is a release in allowing yourself some space to feel it, and a sense of accomplishment when you allow yourself move past/out of it.

I’ll say that aside from my nature; a walk and some good music (don’t forget good food and a glass or red) are part of the equation for righting my capsized ship, and sailing forward.

With these disappointments I’ve been alluding to (both work and personal life related), I have a clean slate on a couple aspects of my life...and that is actually exciting.  You know what they say; when one porthole closes…

Until next time,
E

in the age of digital conversations

I feel like I reference my Ethics class a lot, and I guess I'm learning more in that class (or it brings up more interesting topics) than I realize when I'm sitting in class frustrated by the debate ensuing.  In Ethics this week we hit on the subject matter of people doing therapy online, since that is one of the main routes that people communicate these days, and it is only increasing.

We watched a clip of Lisa Kudro's funny online series of some fake video chat therapy to jump start the discussion (there are really therapists who do this, I assume they are better than her).  We also talked about email therapy, online chat therapy in a chat room forum, etc.

This brought up a myriad of opinions and while I can see both sides of the coin here, I think online therapy is something I'm not ready to embrace yet for myself (as a client nor as a therapist).

What this also brought up, was the professor's point that we (my current generation, and the ones who are even younger) are much more able to openly communicate online.  The irony is not lost on me...here I am writing a pseudo anonymous blog, where I feel I can be fairly open.  I'm also being very conscious of the details I give, and balancing the content with vagueness.  I do also spend a decent amount of time checking Facebook, which I wish I did less of.  I've started to do less simply because I've gotten lazy and post less pictures, but also because school/internship/life has been so busy that I'm checking more on the go on my Droid vs. hanging out on my computer.

So I agree, I think that we are typically more open to talk about tough things in type form (gchat, text, fb, blogging, etc) and this week has been a really good example for me.

This week has brought up several of what I'll call "tough" conversations.  Two were via text, one was on the phone and one was in person.

The text message conversations were about two topics that I might not have approached if I had less liquid courage, but instead of waking up feeling like "shit, why did I text them!?" I lucked out that I was instead able to get some direct and clarifying responses that I needed.

The challenge was that it was addressing things that I had a feeling I wasn't going to get the news I wanted to hear, but I now know the situations and I'm not in this limbo anymore of not knowing (although often the limbo "feels" better since it allows some hope or possibility of change, though I'd argue it ultimately doesn't).  I likely wouldn't have been able to have either of those conversations in person, comfortably...and had I waited longer to be direct, I would just continue kidding myself.

I had a nerve wracking conversation on the phone with a potential employer that I'm excited about; where I had to be very direct and ask for what I need in order to make the situation a fit for the employers, and for myself.  I had a moment where thought about sending an email instead (only because that would be "easier" than having a voice-to-voice conversation) but I think that there would have been too much room for miscommunication, and I wanted to make it clear I was appreciative and that the things we were discussing were coming from a genuine place in me.  I didn't want to risk those points not being communicated properly.

I think that no matter the outcome, this was important that I had a phone conversation versus an email exchange.

The "tough" conversation in person was with my grandparents and some other family members about how we feel about heirlooms and what in the house I want when they are gone (meaning my grandparents).  I realized more concretely have a hard time thinking "oh, I want that" since it implies that I want some sort of material gain at the expense of a loved one being around.

I know that it isn't directly what it means, and that my grandparents find great joy in knowing that this antique or this thing from their great grand mother goes to someone who appreciates it, but I realized I had a hard time talking about it.  The conversation also went to some of their fears and frustrations about getting older, changes in physical and mental capacity, and the like.  My grandmother brought me around the house and we looked at mementos, pictures, art and plates and she gave me a family history lesson.  I think we both enjoyed it.

Overall the topics of the day with them were tough and in a lot of ways were sad, but really it was such a fruitful time spent with them.  I've been really happy to spend more time with them lately.

So I guess my point is, that some conversations I feel are important to just get out of the way in the most painless way possible (texting at 2am perhaps?) and others warrant a phone call.  I'd say when the opportunity is there, sometimes pushing yourself to have in-person conversations, even if they are challenging, are still fundamental and ultimately are so much more rewarding.

Let us continue to use online/text/email connections as merely supplemental to our in-person connections, or when we can't be in person (which is why these routes of communication are amazing and valuable still!)...so that as the generations grow, and ultimately technology grows, we don't forget how to have meaningful communication and connections in person (or they are going to need to come up with way more emoticons).

How do you typically have hard to approach conversations?

Until next time,
E

Are you as happy as you could be?

In the last couple of weeks, the topic that has come up many times has been happiness.  A friend of mine, and fellow blogger, was talking about how she has been MIA on the web "because I'm happy, I have nothing to say when I'm happy." One of our friends has actually talked about her song writing ability and the effect of happiness.  She is more creative perhaps when she isn't happy, or when love is a cause of heart ache versus excitement.  She says, "Happy songs can feel cheesy".  Even a fellow peer who is seeing a client who is an artist, shared that the client feels that his art is more authentic when he's not happy.

So, I got to thinking.  I'm feeling fairly creative, life is challenging but overall pretty good, and I think I'm happy...right?

I was at the bookstore two weekends ago, and this book jumped out at me, "The Happiness Project"by Gretchen Rubin.  The premise is a woman who has a good life and is happy overall, but was seeking out the secrets to her increased happiness.  She did research on everything from what Aristotle had to say on the matter to people like Abraham Lincoln and Oprah.  So for my staycation that I had last week, I figured why not work on my own happiness?

In addition to reading this book, I've been much better running, and hope to continue it.  I've made an effort to see people that I don't normally get to see, like my grandparents, and I've managed to have a fun time with friends at the bar and even just hanging around at a coffee shop (like I am today).  Overall I'd say I felt pretty happy last week during my break, and though this week has been kind of a roller coaster with getting back into the swing of things, job interviews and the like, overall my mood has still been lifted.  Amazing what time away from school and internship will do.

I realized after getting into it, the book is in the same vein of the "self help" type, but it's very light and easy to read...and who can't use a little extra help?  She has woven a lot of interesting facts, quotes and tidbits in a seamless, bloglike fashion.  It's pretty interesting how similar things are for us all; having clutter, the things we avoid doing, the arguments we get into and other simple things that can add to our stresses and take our happiness down a notch.

I took a keen interest in a lot of the quotes she used and flagged them (as you can see) as reminders for sharing with my clients as well as for myself and thought I would share some of my "favorites" or things that hit home because at times it felt like I was reading my own story in her book.

Some of the things I thought were interesting were "no brainers", some were quotes from other intellectuals, some were things that I felt I needed improvement on or thought of a client the idea might help, and some things well, just made me take pause.

***
The following are all quoted from The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. Please read through, you might like something you see.

• The opposite of happiness is unhappiness, not depression.
• Benjamin Franklin is one of the patron saints of self-realization and identified 13 virtues he wanted to cultivate: temperance, silence, order, resolution, frugality, industry, sincerity, justice, moderation, cleanliness, tranquility, chastity and humility
• People are more likely to make progress on goals that are broken into concrete, measurable actions with some kind of structured accountability and positive reinforcement.
• Neitzsche wrote: All truly great thoughts are conceived while walking.
• The One Minute Rule: Don't postpone any task that could be done in less than one minute.
• Happy people find it easier to get and stay married, happy people make better dates and easier spouses 
• Hugging for 6 seconds is the minimum time necessary to promote the flow of oxytocin and serotonin, mood-boosting chemicals that promote bonding.
• Research shows that how people fight, matters more than how much they fight.  Couples who fight right tackle only one difficult topic at a time, avoid bombs like "you always"/"you never", and they make repair attempts
• In practically every language there are more concepts to describe negative emotions than positive emotions
• Women have more feelings of empathy for other people than men do (though women and men have about the same degree of empathy for animals).  For both men and women, the most reliable predictor of not being lonely is the amount of contact with women. Time spent with men doesn't make a difference.
• There is no love, there are only proofs of love.  Whatever love I might feel in my heart, others will only see my actions.
• This is one of the many paradoxes of happiness: we seek to control our lives, but the unfamiliar and the unexpected are important sources of happiness.
• Novelty requires more work from the brain, dealing with novel situations evokes more intense emotional responses and makes the passage of time seem slower and richer.
• In his book "Happier", Tal Ben-Shahar describes the "arrival fallacy,"; the belief that when you arrive at a certain destination, you'll be happy.
• People remember events better when they fit with their present mood, happy people remember happy events better, and depressed people remember sad events better.  Depressed people have as many nice experiences as other people, they just don't recall them as well.
• The four stages of happiness garnered from an experiences: we must anticipate it, savor it as it unfolds, express happiness and recall a happy memory of the experience
• I tended to overrate the fun activities that I didn't do, and underrate my own inclinations.  I felt like things that other people enjoyed were more valuable, more cultured...more, well, legitimate.
• Where there is no wood, the fire goes out; and where there is no talebearer, strife ceases. Proverbs 26:20
• People's lives are far more complicated than they appear from the outside. Cut people slack.
• I tried to remember not to judge people harshly, especially on the first or second encounter.  Their actions might not reveal their enduring character but instead reflect some situation they find themselves in.  Forbearance is a form of generosity.
• Choose not to take things personally.
• Be loving and love will find you.
• Help is everywhere.
• What would I do if I weren't scared?
• If you can't get out of it, get into it.
• Satisficers, are those who make a decision or take action once their criteria are met.  That doesn't mean they'll settle for mediocrity; their criteria can be very high, but as soon as they find the the hotel, pasta sauce, or the business card that has the qualities they want, they're satisfied.
• Maximizers want to make the optimal decision.  Even if they see a bicycle or a backpack that meets their requirements, they can't make a decision until after they've examined every option, so they can make the best possible choice.
• A few years ago, my sister gave me a box of beautiful stationary for my birthday. I loved it, but I'd never used it.  When I was mailing some photos to the grandparents, I hesitated to use the new stationary because I was "saving" it; but to what better use could it be put? Of course I should use those notes.  Spend out.
• I would have great ideas in the future and so should use my best stuff now.  Pouring out ideas is better for creativity than doling them out by the teaspoon.
• Spending out creates a wealth of love and tenderness, while calculation and score keeping build resentment.
• So often it is only after some calamity strikes that we appreciate what we have.  
• Keeping a one sentence journal: place to record the fleeting moments that make life sweet but that so easily vanish from memory.
• Cherish health and appreciating ordinary life
• In one study, people's sense of life satisfaction changed dramatically depending on whether they completed sentences starting "I'm glad I'm not..." or instead "I wish I was..."
• Gratitude brings freedom from envy, because when you are grateful for what you have, you're not consumed with wanting something different or something more.
• Each day I noted three things for which I was grateful.
• It takes energy, generosity and discipline to be unfailingly lighthearted, yet everyone takes the happy person for granted.
• For many people, fear of what might happen is a source of great unhappiness.
• Use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without.
• People succeed in groups.  Other's successes help us to be more successful.
• A small child typically laughs more than 400 times a day, and an adult-17 times.  
• I vowed to find things funny, to laugh out loud, and to appreciate other people's humor.  No more polite smiling; no more rushing to tell my story before the laughter has died after a friend's funny story; no more reluctance to be joshed and teased.
• To be more agreeable and kind, I needed to use better manners as a conversationalist.  I was a know-it-all: "A really interesting feature of Angela Thirkell's novels is that she sets them in Barsetshire". I was a topper: "you think you had a crazy morning, let me tell you about my morning.  I was a deflator: "you liked that movie? I thought it was kind of boring".
• Giving positive reviews requires humility.

***

I might even work on my own "happiness project", and maybe in a way I already have by starting this blog, by changing careers, by traveling, by trying to be a good friend etc.  In a couple of weeks, I might even go on a weekend  "retreat" that focuses on combining yoga with positive psychology, to get a boost, and expand my clinical knowledge.

What would you do for your happiness project?

I recommend reading the book (seriously, it's a quick read) if you're searching for a good dose of ideas on what might help you to be happier, and even if you only walk away with a few things you've learned, it can't hurt.  

Wishing you and yours an abundance of happiness.

Until next time,

E

The Ethics of Blogging

In my Ethics class we talk about things that span from the obvious questions "Can you have intimate relationships with your patients?" (FYI most definitely not) to less obvious "Should you attend a patient's play if you have help them overcome performance anxiety?" (it depends).

In class yesterday we discussed the ethics of things like being Facebook friends with patients (I'd say no) and what our obligation is as providers (psychotherapists) to keeping our own information private.

I have mixed feelings.  There is a reason that this blog is fairly anonymous and ambiguous about my identity because i'd like to be able to have the freedom to be myself, without worry that clients of mine would stumble upon my musings.  While some people who read this know me well, there are others who may not know me at all.  That is okay with me, I enjoy some anonymity in that sense.

On the other hand, I struggle with things like deciding not going to the local gym where I typically see clients, or changing cafes I frequent since one of my previous clients works at one that I used to go to.

Some things I'm willing to change in my day to day to avoid dual relationships, or to avoid clients knowing "too much about me", but on the other hand I'm not really willing at this point to live under a rock, delete my Facebook account and not blog.  I'm just not.  This may change as I get older, and wiser, but for now I'm keeping them both.

For the respect of myself, and my clients, I hope that I can keep this fairly anonymous so that it may be useful as it is intended (for myself, mainly).

We'll see how this goes.  Jury is still out.  Hopefully though, no jury will be needed.

Until next time,
E

Good Guys Are Not Extinct

A good friend of mine and I were gchatting yesterday and we were catching up after a couple weeks.  We did the usual, "so what's new?" type of conversation just to get each other up to speed.  We typically ask about how work (school for me) is going, some of our mutual friends, music and how dating life is going.  We have similar stories in some ways having been "single" for a little while and have been playing the field.  We've laughed about similar dating successes/defeats and we both seem to just "get" each other's situations.  It's nice.

So he, being a guy, is a good sounding board and I'd hope that I can be the same for him.  Yesterday he was talking to me about this post he read about the state of emergency that is the "lack of quality Twenty-Something men".  I wasn't sure if I should be alarmed, or if I should take a hint that he was telling me to read this.

The girl who submitted the question to the Relationship Blogger in "Are Women Doomed?" actually had a boyfriend, but is asking on behalf of her single friends.  While that irks me I do like about one sentence of her "question":

"(referring to: what leads many women to compromise their standards a great deal just to, at best, secure a male partner who will most likely not meet them intellectually, professionally, and emotionally): I have been through this cycle personally and watch many of my friends continue to be let down or treated so poorly all in the name of young men thinking they can do better without having to try very hard at all."

So what is nice to know, is that there are other Twenty-Something women out there that are who have been passed over by guys that they like, despite being an awesome catch.  What we've known for a long time is boys will be boys, and the age of the men we're interested in is in some senses a glorified version of adolescence.

Don't get me wrong, I actually like the playful nature of the guys I've been interested in who are in their later 20's, but this "thinking they can do better" thing can be tough to navigate.  In all fairness I think that goes both ways.  We women also think we can do better, and in some cases this is definitely true.  As you know I'm anti-settling.

The response from the Relationship Expert pointed out that she doesn't think that much has changed, or that women are at more of a disadvantage than they used to be.  She argues that we'd be remiss to dismiss the benefits of having women who are educated, discerning, able to have careers, live on their own, and still be viable at say 28 (she uses her age)...all for the ease of finding a guy.  I totally agree.  I'd much rather have the opportunity to nail down a career that feels important to me, what I spend literally 24% of my week doing...and get to "nailing down" a guy once my career is stable.

But with that said, gals like me who are working on their career and haven't settled down with a significant other, need to accept this.  Starting a family later is not the end of the world, and may well result in better marriages for us and a stronger sense of self given the longer time to individuate and grow.   That isn't to say that women who find "the one" early and move forward in that sense are wrong by any means, but, for those of us who stress about finding the one, we just need to learn some patience or date guys who are in their mid-thirties.

The original story that was quoted in the article that my friend sent me was on the Wall Street Journal called "Where Have the Good Men Gone?".  This gives a nice in depth look at some of the factors that may contribute to the extinction of the ready to have a committed relationship, and put down the PS2 controller twenty-something guy.  

Ladies, take this all with a grain of salt.  If it helps you to feel better about why you are (or are not) single, then, go for it.  If it makes you feel pessimistic and hopeless, then I'd say disregard it.  

As for the men who probably won't even read this, but in the off chance you do...have your fun, take trips to Vegas with your college boys, but don't forget about what you want long term.  Your friends will (or already have started to) wise up and settle down. It is important to keep in mind so you don't end up 37, sitting alone on a Saturday (or even a Tuesday) night watching TV, thinking it might be a good idea to call the local chat line for singles in your area.  

Maybe that fun/cute/smart/funny girl you've been "talking to", that you typically might pass over for something more, is just what you'll need and want.

Anyway, I thought the posts were interesting, and were shown to me by a guy friend no less. He's actually one of the good ones...so I know first hand his kind isn't extinct (maybe just an endangered species?)!

Until next time,
E

Transitioning to flip-flops

So every year, I get very excited to bust out my painted toenails and wear open toed shoes, cute flats, sandals, flip-flops (or thongs to my overseas readers) and back in the days of childhood, jellies.

With this excitement on the first really warmish day (like today) I decide to wear my favorite sandals from the last sunny season.  The issue with this is my feet have been protected in socks, and thick wool socks at that, from the pains of straps and shoes cutting into various places on my feet (or between my toes).  Ouch. 

Not only was I eager to wear these flip-flops, but I also decided I’d like to go for a really long walk to do errands and end up at my favorite coffee shop in my old stomping grounds.  Here I am, I still have to walk to get home and my feet are asking me why I didn't slowly transition to flip-flops.  You know, those short running to the 7/11 on the corner type of trips.

So heed the warning.  Work your way up to marathon-like walking events in strappy, flippy, really cute shoes.  

Ah well, I can’t really complain, I’ll take some pain for this beautiful weather.  Bring on the springtime…I'll take it over a really long winter and the trials and tribulations I have with boots.

And after all, at least I have shoes, so I got that going for me, which is nice.

Until next time,

E

Kiss me, I'm a Cashew.

Well, I'm a quarter Irish.  My Dad was half English and half Irish and my mom's side is mostly from Russia and they're Jewish.  I wasn't lying when I called myself a mutt!  I like to refer to myself as a Cashew (Catholic Jew) although, really I'm more of like an Irenglijew, or maybe a Potato Latke makes more sense, but I'll stick with Cashew.  Don't they say "Everybody loves and Irish (Jewish) girl"?


I would say that if you looked at me you would likely think I was Irish since I have a fair complexion (I don't get the darkest tan on this hot bod, unfortunately), freckles (which I've grown to appreciate more), my face gets a little red when I drink and I look damn good in a kilt (I'd imagine).  


Most people don't assume I'm Jewish despite other clues that would indicate so, but I strongly identify with my Irish/English portion of myself (the top half? who knows).  


As a kid I was enthralled by gaelic music and wanted to be an Irish Step-dancer like you can't believe.  I would pretend to step in my living room and I'm pretty sure I was as good as River Dance, if I had a bit of training.  I've kissed the Blarney Stone in Ireland giving me the gift of Gab - which I obviously didn't need more of...but I do have this connection to feeling Irish, as it is a strong portion of my genetics.


As we all know that today, on St. Patrick's Day, everyone is Irish.  I think there s something pretty cool about the fact that people get so into St. Patrick's Day.  I mean I'm not so into the mysticism that the holiday is based on (the casting out of the snakes by Mr. Pat himself), but there is a unifying force around this time of year...I can't put my finger on it...beer.  


Liquid courage.  Social Lubrication.  This is one of the pillars of St. Patrick's Day that most people get excited for, and also to wear green and pretend they see leprechauns.  Okay, maybe people don't pretend to see leprechauns but I'm pretty sure this week I've seen a few close contenders, they seem to come out of the woodwork (you know, from in trees) around this time of year.


Let's celebrate something we don't know much about, but feel really connected to since our ancestors apparently survived the potato famine!  So, if you are at work, be productive so you can get out on time...if you're not working (and of age!) head to your local irish pub and drink a green beer or many (I don't condone binge drinking...much).  


Erin Go Bragh! Slainte!


Until next time,
E

Like a fine wine

I did a project for one of my classes recently about working with the geriatric, or better named “older adult”, population.  I haven’t actually worked with this population in a clinical setting, but my project partner had, and I learned a lot about it.  What was interesting was how working with them is different than younger adults and children, but how it is also very similar.

We all have some preconceived notions about what it is to be old based upon our experiences of older people in our lives, what we see on TV and who we get stuck behind at the grocery store when they are paying by check.  Some of the stereotypes of older people are based upon realities of peoples’ physical bodies changing and getting older, their minds changing with age and sometimes the challenging loss of ability to care for themselves…

…but not all older people deteriorate in this way and most are actually much happier than we assume.

So why is it that our culture treats older people as nuisances, that they are typically sad and thus depressing and less important to our communities?  Ultimately with the baby boomers getting older, health care and the country's financial state are (and will continue to be) kind of strained and people always have feelings about these things.  Well I'd also argue that part of it is just the exponential growth of technology.  It makes a more concrete barrier between older generations, and us, which continues to make them seem less connected, and in a sense older.

My grandmother has Facebook, but admits she doesn’t really know how to use it.  One of my cousins or I will help her navigate it the next time, but she is pretty hip to start with to even want to use it.  I think she will probably be able to figure it out, also because she is a social person by nature.  I was on the phone with her last night trying to coordinate seeing her today, and she said, “I have to get on there, it’s how people connect these days.”  I give her credit, it probably seems like a big undertaking, but frankly I think she’d like it once she understands it.  We have a lot of extended family on Facebook and it’s a nice way to see how people are doing all over the country, and across generations.

What is amazing about people my grandmother’s age is their stories, their sense of humor, the fact that you get sent home with homemade food whether you need it or not (though it’s always welcomed)…

My (Jewish, mind you) grandparents are really funny.  My grandmother is very much looking forward to great grand children I take it, so I get the “I know a guy that would be good for you, he’s so and so’s grandson, he’s a sweet boy, and very cute” and the like...My grandfather cracks mediocre adult jokes that he laughs his belly laugh at, and you can't really help but laugh too.

Their hearts are absolutely in the right place, they want me to be happy, they want me to meet a guy they feel is worthy of me (since I’m awesome overall, obviously) and ultimately they can’t help but scheme about match making.  Grandparents do this…it is kind of their job.

But really, the reason that older adults are important is they are what connects us to the past, they connect us to an understanding of why things are how they are now and they are endlessly full of wisdoms that  we can't possibly have based upon our years.  

As I’ve gotten older myself, my appreciation for my grandparents, and also my patience with older people, has grown.

Someday, God willing, I’ll be an old person and I’ll be damned if I’m not respected and tolerated simply because I have (more) gray hair and walk a little slower.  I think that ultimately my respect has grown for my grandparents because not only are they good people, but also they helped shape my mother and in turn helped shaped me.

The sad reality is that as I get older, so are they.  It’s hard to hear things like “Well when I’m gone, do you want this (insert some family heirloom)?” and things of that nature.  I mean the reality is, some day I’ll be faced with the loss of my grandparents, and if you are lucky enough to still have grandparents at this point, you will too.

For those of you who have lost a grandparent or in the case you didn’t know them at all, you can probably appreciate the fragility of life and maybe you even respect older adults more as a result. 

The reason I felt inspired to write about this was a full heart as a result of taking time out of my vacation to pop in and see my grandparents.  It was great to see them and and see how much they appreciate gestures like that.  I'm lucky that they are both pretty healthy and mentally intact, dementia and Alzheimer's are another challenge altogether, and would be another blog entry entirely.  

So go.  Time is of the essence.  Take time to call your grandparents or the elders in your life.  Ask them to tell you a story about something from their childhood or about when they met their spouse, or where they were when something monumental happened in the news.    If they are mentally compromised, or no long alive, maybe dig up family photos or ask people who knew them for these stories.  It will make them feel good and appreciated, and you can learn something from them while they can still be teachers to you.

And you know what they say, like a fine wine some things get better with age.  I think this is truer than we realize.

Until next time,

E

Check out this blogpost: http://grumpyoldken.blogsp
ot.com/2011/03/arise-sir-ben-or-should-it-be-saint-ben.html

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

appreciating life and the human condition

So, I'm in a fantastic mood today,
                    it is a beautiful almost spring day,
               I went for a long run this morning,
          I got some errands done,
     I danced around my room while cleaning listening to blaring music (don't judge),
and I'll be heading out in a few hours to hang with some of my great friends and have a drink or several...

...but I have been thinking about how intense things have been in the world lately.  Maybe technically it is not more than usual, but it has felt a bit unsettling.

I mean really.  Doesn't it feel like a lot is going on?

Between the health care BS, the WI union BS, NPR getting "in trouble" and the crazies who are starting to  surface to run for president;  I started thinking what other country should I move to?  Although there is a lot going on elsewhere too.

Just in the last couple of months, so many people have been fighting and suffering.  All the unrest in the northern African countries as they overthrow their generation old regimes, the tornado/flooding that had been going on in Australia/New Zealand, and the most recent tragedy of the earthquake and tsunami that hit Japan at the end of this week.  Clearly there are even more things going on here and abroad that are worrying.

With the natural disasters of the last few years, some people must be fearful of the end of the Mayan calendar in 2012.

I don't actually think this is the apocalypse, but the times we're living in feel pretty heavy these days.  I mean especially how sad the situation is in Japan, it can be overwhelming.  I think that it is important that we stand for causes, that we be educated about the world and that we can help others...however, the weight of the world is a bit too heavy sometimes.

Ultimately I still have to live my life, continue with my responsibilities and get through my own day.

So I had to shift my perspective in order to not ruin my mood or to paralyze me by getting stuck in the feeling of being overwhelmed by the wrongs in the world.  While I was out for my run, I focused on my happiness and appreciation for my life, that the sun that was out, for the ability in my body to run and the safety of my community.

We've all heard "live in the moment", especially from people who have experienced major loss or scary life changes.  To build on this I'd argue we need to do more balancing of our energy/focus of being concerned about the tough things with appreciating the good things.  This balance provides us the mental/emotional capacity to take action for a cause when needed, compartmentalize when we need to function, grieve when it is needed and also to appreciate and see the abundance of moments when life. is. good.

I think we could all be better at remembering that our frustrations or disappointments are not the end of the world, and that we would benefit from appreciating life and the human condition more.

So I'll assume we have more time than the Mayans said we do, because I have lot more appreciating left to do.

Take some time and focus on the good in your life, today at the very least!

Until next time,
E

Go Shoeless - April 5th, 2011

Okay, so I’ve talked about the fact that I’m not sure that I know what causes I want to back or support, but this one has kind of come up and has triggered me to want to talk about it.

First watch this video here: One Day Video or click below.

The video lists the following tidbits of information:

-       In some developing nations, children must walk for miles to food, clean water and to seek medical help.

-       Cuts and sores on feet can lead to serious infection.

-       Often children can not attend school barefoot.

-       In Ethiopia, approximately one million people are suffering from Podoconiosis (a debilitating and disfiguring disease caused by walking barefoot in volcanic soil).

-       Podoconiosis is 100% preventable with basic foot hygiene & wearing shoes.

The premise of the event is that on April 5^th, people should go barefoot in order to raise awareness of those who are unable to afford shoes, don’t have access to shoes, or are already suffering from the ramifications of not having shoes.

So I thought about how it would be to not have shoes, and it was tough.  I really had a hard time imagining this as a reality.

I mean sure, we’ve heard our grandparents' stories of walking to school up hill, both ways, in the snow, with no shoes, or shoes with newspaper soles…but let’s get real, this was like 70 years ago, and these are kids who are suffering now, with no hopes of the American Dream or pulling themselves up by their non existent bootstraps. Not to mention how many shoes we all have for work, play, occasions, for poor weather, for nice weather,etc.

Then I thought about what this movement is asking.  Go a day without shoes.  Not a week, not a month, not a year, not your lifetime.  A day.  I looked at the calendar and realized, the event is happening on a Tuesday.  Subconsciously I must have hoped for a Saturday or something, because I was greatly disappointed.  On Tuesdays I’m at school which is part of a medical school which would most definitely not allow me to be barefoot.  

Hmm.  So I can’t do this based upon basic laws of health, safety, sanitation, etc. Interesting...

...and if I'm being completely honest, the only time going barefoot in the city sounds like a good idea is maybe at 2am when my heels start to hurt.  It is not an ideal way to spend your day (worried where you're stepping, broken glass everywhere, temperature is cold/hot, people stepping on your toes on the bus, etc).  

I mean these are mild complaints compared to what the video listed, but based upon our lives, these are things we would want to put up with...even though by comparison these are annoyances.

BAM.  Reason enough to be concerned about this and that moved me into thinking about how we can be creative about this.  The guy who told me about this event is trying to figure out how he can implement this also. He might have to settle on flip flops based upon where he works, but really, this is actually HARD to do here (here is anywhere if you have access to a computer, Internet and are reading this).

So while I ask you readers questions all the time and sometimes they are rhetorical and sometimes I get a response, I’m asking and looking for some concrete ideas.  How can we spread the word?  How do we raise awareness?  Most importantly, how do we show the gravity of this if we can't go barefoot?  

I'm so struck by the irony that we can’t easily be barefoot in our society, and there are millions of people who don't have a choice but to be without shoes. Please share your ideas and share this post!  

For more information on how you can get involved, please check out the official site: http://www.onedaywithoutshoes.com/

Until next time,

E

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Run E, Run

I run.  I do.

I run to catch the bus, I run into my apartment building from the rain and I run for exercise. 

The problem with running is the whole running thing.

I mean, don’t get me wrong. Beautiful days like today, I’m excited to go for a run and I always feel good after…

But it appears that I need help with motivation.

I’ll be good for a month, where I’ll run a lot, and then I’ll plateau or get derailed and then loose my footing with exercise completely. I wish I could say “I’m a runner”.  I have a lot of friends who are like it is in their blood – they run marathons and can’t go a day without running or they feel out of whack…that isn’t quite the level I’m on, although I’d love to be that person.

I’ve tried other things.  I’m convinced the elliptical doesn’t do anything for my body no matter how hard I pedal, how fast I pedal or how high the incline is.  I’ve tried swimming (I love swimming) but it’s a huge pain, and the whole wet hair things doesn’t work half the year when it is sub zero.  I’ve tried some classes and really, I lose interest in them even quicker than running.  I like biking, but with the weather it’s less practical sometimes, and also due to the distance you need to go to make it a worthwhile exercise it feels like a big undertaking for daily usage.  Exhibit A of excuse after excuse to not exercise, right?

So you guessed it, I’m left with running.  Like I said, I like running. I notice changes in my body including increased strength, feeling healthy, weight loss, etc.  All of the desirable affects from exercise that one looks for.  But then I lose focus, I lose interest, I get bored and I get lazy.

So what I need are some tips.  Tips to stay motivated, tips to push myself, tips to overcome the boredom that comes with running…etc.

What do you do to keep yourself going?  What has been the most helpful for you?

Okay, I’m off to change and head out for a run in the sun, which I have been doing more this week…we’ll see how long this good habit lasts this time around.

Until next time,

E

10 things I've learned from The Bachelor

Last night I was having dinner with some long time friends, and a quasi-heated debate ensued about who Brad is going to pick in the final episode of The Bachelor.  I mean, obviously there are different points of view, but for the sake of this blog, I’ll be giving mine.

For those of you who don’t know the options:Chantal, 28, an executive assistant from Seattle, WA - Fun, very pretty, dark and exotic, her parents are uber wealthy and “attractive” if you like plastic.  Brad seems to want to bang her.

Emily, 24, a children's hospital event planner from Charlotte, NC - Sweet, southern, blond, has a 5 year old daughter (fiancé died in a plane crash about 6 years ago, then she found out she was pregnant), Brad seems to “love” her.

This is the classic light vs. dark, goodie two shoes vs. vixen, sweet vs. spicy.  So who is he going to pick?
Well, I’d like to think he picks Emily since it seems like he has “genuine” (I’ll get to this in a second), feelings about her, however a child is tough to buy into when you’ve known a woman for a few weeks or so…I'll put a steak in the ground and say he picks her because I'd be happy with it.

This brings me to what I’ve learned from watching The Bachelor:

1. I'm educated yet can get sucked into bad reality TV
2. True love is not likely to be found on a reality television show, unless of course it’s on Love Connection
3. True love is not something you acquire from group dates with some making out and crying sessions peppered in
4. Being in a tropical/romantic location can brain wash you to thinking you love someone you don’t know
5. The concept that this could culminate in a successful, loving union are minimal, however it is embarrassing how captivating it is week in and week out
6. Girls can be jealous, catty, bitchy and crazy (I’ll use the term loosely) and rightfully so when there are 20+ of them pitched against one another with the goal of “Love”
7. Rose ceremonies are anxiety provoking, which seems ridiculous when I write it down
8. It is a glorified version of the show NEXT (possibly a redeeming factor)
9. Straight guys should not watch The Bachelor, as they may not want to date woman afterwards for fear of how they get.  Women should not watch The Bachelor, as they may not want to be friends with other single women for fear of how they get, or they may be convinced they should go on The Bachelor
10.  Never go on The Bachelor, unless of course you have career enhancing ulterior motives

Well with that said, I look forward to the finale, so I can be done with the show for the time being. Go team Emily!

Until next time,
E

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7