right place, right time

Things are changing.

The season, my mood, different aspects of my life are coming together in serendipitous ways...and per usual with these things, it's a mix of luck, pushing through what feels like an absolute stale mate and trusting that the right things will happen at the right place and at the right time.

I haven't written in a while for several reasons.  I've been feeling intimidated by someone I know's hilarious blog that is all the rage, and feeling like "well I'm not THAT funny" but I guess I didn't start this blog to be funny, I started it to purge random thoughts and feelings as a kind of therapeutic practice.

Also, I've been feeling, well...good.

I had a couple months there where I was really down in the dumps.  I can now better understand the difference between feeling depressed and sad, clinically speaking, which will be helpful with working with clients.  I've had some crappy things happen in my life (as we all ultimately do), and I have felt profoundly sad about those things...but this was different.

Up until really a few weeks ago, I was just feeling like everything was a shade of gray. While I love gray (walls, clothes, salt/pepper hair on a guy)...it was not an ideal way to be looking at the world.

Since I'm a therapist I was able to identify what I was feeling, but EVEN as a therapist it was hard to move out of it.  I knew what I had to do, and even then the gray cloud was thick and hung low for several weeks.

What I did while I was feeling "depressed" or "off", was maintain as much strong self care as I could.  I kept up with my running, I kept up with therapy, I kept up with  my job, continued my job hunt, saw my friends, caught up on sleep...and held on for the ride through it by actually...letting go.

This is a key part, letting go.  I, a few times, said "I'm just throwing my hands up and giving up".  To be clear, I did not mean 'giving up' on life or that I was feeling like I didn't want to be alive, but I was giving up on fighting the bad mood and on trying so hard to push it away to make it better.  Instead I maintained the things I know that chemically, physically, mentally and emotionality would help me and just let it run its course.

For all of these experiences when we feel stuck, there comes a point where something gives.  The gridlock at some point eases up or at least moves in one direction.

For a while it just felt like nothing had changed.

Then things started to change...among the changes here are a few...
-the season shifted from summer to fall (and then back to summer and then back to fall)
-decided to go to school for some alternative medicine (which I grew up taking) that works well for physical ailments as well as mental/emotional ailments in tandem with psychotherapy
-Jewish New Year - day of fasting and cleansing which is the only day I really take the "religion" part of it seriously, because it's a good message to clear out the last year and start with a clean slate.
-had some random stomach issues (not the gross kind, just painful) - might have food sensitivities - seeing a health coach/nutritionist, starting taking vitamin D
-Steve Jobs died - Okay other than him changing the world I have no connection to the guy, but the 60 minutes episode last night about him was really interesting and I want to read the biography
-I went apple picking, and seasonal things started to peak my interest (read: I <3 Halloween)
-My half birthday came and went...I think 2* will be a stellar year for me
-I was on the local news - no joke.  I was ambushed by this reporter about something in my town that I didn't know about...interviewed me for 3 minutes and all that made it was a soundbite made me sound completely ditsy and was taken out of context.  But for my 3 seconds of fame I enjoyed laughing at myself a hell of a lot...
-A job I ended up not taking about 6 months ago, called me up to see if I was interested in working part time, which works well with what I'm already doing...so I don't have to look for another job for immediately and I'll finally have a more steady income.
-After a long while, someone has caught my eye...and no matter what happens (or doesn't happen, contrary to popular belief I'm not actually psychic)...it has still been very a welcomed and enjoyable change.  :)

And voila.  I feel pretty good...and for the last few weeks I've just been enjoying this "feeling like myself again" and haven't wanted to analyze it or synthesize it.  SO you haven't heard from me.

While nothing is monumental (yet), and nothing is definitively better or different (yet), there were changes and shifts.

Changes and shifts that couldn't have happened or wouldn't have impacted me if I wasn't living at home, if I wasn't doing online dating, if I wasn't Jewish, if I wasn't typing on a macbook, if I wasn't into the fall...but I am, I'm all of those things...and they're finally starting to work for me.

Like I said.  Right place, right time...and a combination of some effort and letting go, in order to make it through.

Thank the fahking Lord.

Until next time,
Smiley E

Look at me! Look at me!

So I had a long discussion recently with someone dear to me about our self worth, view of self, self confidence, all of that.

What we "discovered" is that we each have a mix of intrinsic and external levels of these things.

What I mean by that is (use me as an example):

What I know and how I feel about myself is 60% constant (such as - I'm a good person, I like myself, I'm smart and capable, I'm fun and interesting, I know I'm stubborn but I'm not changing that (ha) etc etc)

How I feel about myself is 40% based upon others or externally (feedback, compliments, insults, when I'm interested in a guy, when a guy is interested in me, when he isn't, when work is going well, when work is frustrating, when I get a sizable pay check, when I don't, etc).

I'd say at some points I'm more like 70/30, and maybe some points 50/50, but for the most part I have a solid base.  So really at any given point, I'm never feeling completely shitty or completely inept or completely hopeless...maybe at most that negative feeling is at a 50%.

I think that I'm on the higher end of having that solid base of knowing that I'm good and feeling okay about myself.  From what I've gathered from others I've spoken to about this, that I know people who are more like 20/80 with 80% of how they feel about themselves coming from external stimuli or what have you.

Also, since were talking about 40% external effects on how I feel about myself, it's enough that I don't NEED it to still be okay, but it's enough that I crave it and flourish in it.  (read: post statuses on facebook looking for likes and comments, write a blog and enjoy feedback, outgoing and seeking of being social much of the time, etc etc)

Hence the look at me nature that I have.

Some factors likely playing into the look at me nature, or the craving of that extra 40%:

-While I have 4 siblings (technically half-sibs but who is counting) who are older than me and as a result I grew up essentially an only child so I was used to getting most of the attention when attention was being given...and on the flip side was very used to entertaining myself and being alone.

-I spent many years not feeling confident, and socially withdrawing because I didn't think I was worthy of being included.

-I worked on myself, worked on my self esteem, consistently work to make myself a better person and gain insight around my flaws and strengths and have done a decent job of convincing myself that I AM GOOD.
-I've been fairly successful at most of the things I've done and received a lot of positive reinforcement from these successes (enough to forget about most of my failures).

This last point is an interesting one.  I think that my 60% base has grown and taken a larger share, due to consistent reinforcement of my 40% external.  What I'm saying is, I don't think that one's base belief about themselves is fixed, and that the external environment/interactions/support/negativity/nourishment/berating/etc can grow/diminish this.

I see this a lot with the clients I work with also.  Where you can tell they were this bright and sunny child, but as a result of life circumstances, parenting flaws, loss/trauma, etc...the external now has a much more profound effect on their knowing of self, self confidence, self efficacy, self goodness.   We (clinically speaking) see these people as reactionary, or emotionally unstable, or emotionally dysregulated...but what I think is really the case is that their ratio is not working for them within the context of their lives.

Someone who is say 23% base and 70% external may do very well in a loving home and where they are praised and that 70% is fulfilled...that same person in a cold household, where needs and wants aren't met, may suffer greatly.

I would argue that in key times of development and growth this external piece needs to be nourished in order to foster a good base, but then as one is older it is our own responsibility and drive to help solidify this base with what we know is true about ourselves.

What ratio do you have? Has it always been that way?  Was there a time when you had more "base"?  What changed it for you?  What do you think could help build that back up?

Until next time,

60%E / 40%?

Happy Jewyear!

Sundown tonight marks the begining of Rosh Hashannah, which is the beginning of a two-day new year celebration. Next week is my favorite holiday, Yom Kippur (the one we fast all day and cleanse of our wrong doings of the last year) which concludes the new year welcome party.


Yep, just over a week long transition into the new year (we don't do holidays and celebrations quickly...8 nights of Channukah for instance, or try and leave a Jewish family dinner without saying bye at least 2 times to everyone).


I've talked about how resolutions are essentially a bunch of bunk once old habits set in, but either way I've been working pretty hard on myself since the beginning of Jan 2011.  Now while I've been doing all the right things like therapy, running, yoga, putting myself out there dating-wise while being respectable (ie, not sleeping around, etc etc I'm still feeling like my "big break" hasn't come yet.


Unfortunately this week, and for the last probably 6-8 weeks I've been feeling particularly disapointed and frustrated about where my life is in terms of living, working and relationships. 


I thought of myself as very lucky for a long time, so I'm hoping that this is all just prepping me for a slew of luck that is headed my way (my horoscope today says my luck is changing...I sure hope so!).


Things aren't ALL bad.  Obviously I'm thankful for my health, my amazing and supportive family and my truly wonderful friends.   So there is a lot to celebrate, despite my sullen mood.  I'll be seeing family this weekend to celebrate the new year, and hopefully seeing them will be the grounding I need and the reminder of all the things that I'm thankful for, despite having things I need and want to change.


Just wanted to quickly post and set my intention out there (Secret, anyone?)...that tonght is the beginning of a new year, a beginning of things that I'll be happy with and appreciate, and a beginning of opportunities that I couldn't anticipate in some darker days.


Dip your apples in honey folks, and let this be a sweet year. L'shana tova!


Until next time,
E

favorite things: homemade pizza

Today has been a fairly lazy day aside from going to the gym and helping my mom clean up/organize some of crap that fills the basement.

It's a bit rainy and gloomy, and since I didn't have to work today it kind of just added to the laziness factor.

Comfort food is something that I generally am up for, but since I've been healthier (ermmm I guess the last week or so?) I didn't decide to do my standard mac 'n cheese from a box, or order chinese, or order greasy delicious pizza, or whatever typically gives me comfort via my mouth (save your dirty comments, please).

So, I proposed to my lovely co-chef of the day (mom), that we make homemade pizzas for a late lunch/early dinner...comfort food but a bit healthier and top it off with a big glass of red...

This was sure to motivate us (bah!) to descend into the netherworld (basement) and clear out some clutter, organize my apartment stuff and prep for moving it at a later date (much later, from the looks of everything)...

Disclaimer:  This is not a food blog, nor will it ever likely turn into one.  I have friends who do a good job of this and I am not a foodie, though I wish I was.  Nor am I'an expert chef or even claiming that I know what is good to make...but I felt inspired to share this lovely fall meal....but keep an eye out for more of my "favorite things" that I find at Whole Foods and Trader Joes...I have a feeling there is more where this came from....


The pizzas (2 small corn crusts by Vicolo from Whole Foods):

South of the Boarder, Stay Classy 

The Stay Classy:
salsa (instead of sauce, healthier, more zesty)
turkey meatballs cut up
low fat cheddar
chopped up asparagus
goat cheese

The South of the Boarder:
refried beans (under salsa as a spread)
salsa
avocado
pepper jack cheese
green peppers
black olives

Well you live and learn:
-One thing, when you put lots of toppings on, I suggest adding extra time to the cooking time to make the crusts more crunchy, yum.
-Putting the cheese under some of the toppings stops it from burning and stays nice and melty.
-Both tasted really good, the South of the Border won...I think next time, blending up whole tomatoes as a sauce would be better with the goat cheese.

Best part? Leftovers.  Nothing like cold pizza.

Until next yum,
E

the new facebook timelines - nostalgia at your fingertips

So in the last couple of days many, if not all, of us have noticed the newest tweaks for Facebook.

My Wednesday statuses (until I got burnt out from caring about FB):

-Facebook, you have officially confused me.


-Might be time to change to Google+.


-Facebook, just when I thought you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself!


-I apologize for all of the facebook-update-related postings, I can't help it...but then again, you probably won't be able to even find this post, or any of my others, anyway.


**************

haha friends had posted this a

couple times, thought it was funn

Initially, as I had posted, I was a bit confused about where statuses were coming and going...however it didn't take long for my youth-like computer literacy to kick in and intuitively learn how the sidebar worked, how the two different feeds of recent and what Facebook deems as important were stacked, etc.

I can't say that I agree with how it's sorted in terms of importance, but Facebook learns what you like and don't like when you tell it...like a good boyfriend (or Xzibit, seen above).

A lot of people were upset, but there were a few that were more open and forward thinking and reminded us fellow posters that Facebook always changes, we bitch and then we settle in.  I think I'm already used to the new Facebook home page.

Now what I think the biggest change is, will be our profiles.  Timelines, is what Facebook is calling them...where you can click to say, 2007 on the right hand side and it's like a "where are they now" but in retrospect.

**I looked up how to update your profile before the launch of the new Timelines on September 30th the new Timelines, and found that one was here, or through FB at the bottom, here.**

Example from MSNBC or check out https://www.facebook.com/about/timeline

I hate to say it but, it feels a little like MySpace (eek) mixed with scrapbooking.  It has a Mac feel vs. PC feel, like designing your "webspace" within Facebook, versus a straight stream of activity.

The positives being that it's more of a collage of what you and others post on your wall, and pictures are displayed more attractively.   You have the opportunity to add things in the past, take out things in the past, create a "backdrop", which they call a cover - mine is of the city skyline that I took from my old apartment window...memories.  Also things like "I bought a house" (or a car), or lost a loved one, are now options for updates and placeholders in time (even ones that occured in the past.  Now things are less "set in stone" as they once were, you can add things in, take things out, pick who see's what, and what never sees the light of day again...(except the fact that it was online at some point and doesn't actually ever go away.

 I think what might be challenging about it is seeing (and others seeing) where you were 3 years ago (was it the same place? different? what was I wearing?), or even 6 years ago.  Yikes.

It was interesting to scroll through and see that Facebook was able to recognize big events like "E graduated from such and such a program".

I think ultimately people will be going back and entering in scanned pictures of their family vacations into their timeline and utilizing it as the the main scrapbook of their lives.

My only concern is that then Facebook owns this content.  Then it isn't a private thing when you hold your kids on your lap (I imagine, since I don't have any yet), and flip through big books that smell aged and like the attic where they sat for ages, the pages kind of sticking together after not having been opened since a few years after the pictures were taken...and the excitement building as you turn the page.  Ahh, when life was simple.

But on the flip side, the future generations will likely have iPads on the backs of their hands, and accessing their history, their parents history and their family scrapbooks will just be one of the many things that has changed in the face of technology.

Get ready to get a bit emotional as you scroll back when you see friends you haven't spoken to in a while, relationships that have started and ended, periods of time where you posted a lot, didn't post, pictures you wish no one had taken, pictures you forgot you had taken, and nostalgia all at your fingertips like it's not been seen before.

Until it changes again, as it always does,
E

Ps. also check these blogs out on the subject:
Funny
Helpful (sidenote: I think you can also go into "Events" from the home page, and select "Past Events" on the bottom, then go through to the ones that are public, or that you earmarked as wanting to be private, and change your past response from "attending/attended" to "maybe or no". I think it will come out of your Timeline but will be still in your past events...That's at least the trick for them to not show up on your "wall" previously!)

to flu shot or not to flu shot

This is the question.

This was something my friend posted on his FB wall today and some people responded.  Similar to politics, medical topics get pretty heated and people typically feel pretty strongly one way or the other.

Like with politics, environmental issues, issues dealing with the poor, war, etc, there is very little you can do to convince someone to change their mind.  Some people do change their minds with more information one way or the other, but typically people fall on one side of the other and very little can change that.

So what is the use of arguing about it?  An argument is a conversation in which you hope that you change the other person's mind because you feel you are right.  Well, if we KNOW that things like the above subjects can not be "changed" when they are part of a fundamental value of someone then it explains the heated debates, the broken relationships/friendships and the reason why it isn't PC to discuss at dinner...

As with everything there are sides to each argument, and valid points...and also there are BS points.

Let me preface this by saying I'm not an MD (do some research and consult your doctor before choosing to or not to), but as someone that doesn't jump at the chance for any shot and likes to be cautious about what I put in my body (aside from pizza and beer...okay I'm human), that I have done some looking into the flu shot specifically, as it was offered free through a previous employer and I got a lot of flack for not wanting to get one.

Flu shot is a smart choice for many people such as those people who are at risk of dying from the flu (people who are very young, elderly, their immune system is perhaps compromised), it is likely a good prophylactic approach for those who are constantly exposed to sick people (those in direct acute health care like the ER, for instance), or for those who want piece of mind because they always just seems to land the flu.  

Otherwise I'm not sure that it's the most important thing to concern ourselves with or even spend much time thinking about.

Yes, people die from the flu every year - which is why when Bird Flu epidemic hit it was interesting that the news touted it as something new/different...frankly the flu is something that is a threat to those who are vulnerable whether it is the Bird variety or not...and typically these are the people who I said might benefit from the flu shot.  Most of us get very bad colds over the fall winter (now I'm biting my tongue!) and think it's the flu when it might not be.  

There is no real treatment in western medicine for the flu, typically the hospitals and clinics tell you that if you think you have the flu, stay home and sleep for a few days...(unless you need fluids or something, or it is triggering a previously underlying medical condition).

So say you land the flu.  Is this the worst thing?  I mean yes, it's not comfortable, being sick sucks.  But, I mean maybe we need 3 days to sleep off our flu and crazy work lives.  I know we say we can't afford to miss work, but the flu isn't preventable 100% with the shot anyway.

They have improved the flu shots from what I understand over the last several years into hybrid flu shots (not the technical term, but this is how I understand it) where they combine a couple strains of the flu that they anticipate for that season.  This protects those who have the shot from those particular strains, but as we've seen over the years there are many strains that mutate and change every flu season. I know some of my friends who have gotten the shot and then gotten the flu (different strain)...

So what's the harm in getting one, you say?  Well I wouldn't go as far as to say "harm".  I don't know enough to comment on the effects on your body (although I'm sure there are some, since the intention is to have effects on your body), other than some say they feel like they get a cold after the shot sometimes.  What I do understand about viruses and things we get shots for is that if it isn't completely inoculated and the community isn't rid of it completely (like what was done with Polio, or the MMR vaccine that most Americans have gotten) it leaves room for stronger mutations to evolve.  It's like any other evolution, only the strongest and smartest survive.

Okay that was not meant to be alarmist, I don't think Super Flu will take over the world, BUT what I mean is because flu isn't just straight up "flu"...it is always changing - so I think that chasing on a massive scale it seems fruitless.

There are many ways to stay healthy during flu season if you decide to get the shot or not.  Vitamins, getting good sleep, exercise, washing your hands frequently when you are in public places or around others, eating healthy, seeking out other immune boosting things such as echinacea and goldenseal.

Whatever you chose to do or not do, I'd refrain from making others feel bad about their choices.  When someone feels badly about their decision it isn't motivation to get them to see your side of things (not to mention isn't a nice thing to do to others) if anything it makes them more defensive and more likely to hold fast to their original thoughts about the subject.  Not that anyone is on a mission to change your mind here, but no matter what I (or anyone says) you will ultimately do what you feel is right for you, and that is that...and that is okay.

The only people who tend to "change their minds" are those who aren't sure in the first place...they're on the fence.  To those people I'd say do some research (not just reading blogs and asking friends), and make your decision and move on.  

The key takeaway from this is - If you continue to make educated decisions, then you are just doing what makes the most sense for you as an individual. The challenge is that people aren't always making educated decisions.  I'm not saying I'm the most educated on this topic, by any means, but I'm offering you the opportunity to take a step back, and assess what the pros/cons are and then moving forward with what you feel is best for you (and not chastising those who chose differently).

I don't think asking the questions and doing some legwork is ever the wrong approach.

Wishing you a happy and healthy flu season...no matter what you chose.

Until next time,

E

Fall Back

I'm writing as I finish what is one of my first hot coffees in a long time, before I head to grab more coffee with an old friend who is in town and I haven't seen in a long time, then head to the gym for one of my first runs in a long time (started back up this week).

I'm the type of person that reluctantly drinks hot coffee when the season changes, but prefers iced coffee...even in the winter like when it's a balmy 45 degrees on a sunny white day.

But anyway, so it's a hot coffee kind of day today because today feels like Fall (and in 5 days it will be).

It's crisp cool air, sunny, not too windy, and is a marked change from even just yesterday, never mind summer weather from last week/last month.

Change is coming.

Sometimes with me, it takes a small thing to shift my perspective and clear my head.  I feel like the chill this morning is doing that.

The chill in the air makes it all feel clean, and new.  You know what I mean?

While I love summer, sometimes the sheer heat and humidity is nice but in a sense is stifling or oppressive in some ways, but this weather (mid 60s and sunny) feels like a relief and like a big exhale out. It's hard to explain.

some e cards make me happy

The relief I feel is kind of surprising since this is the first Fall that I haven't had a "plan" in the works.  All of growing up school was starting and it marked the beginning of a new "year", after college I was working full time for 3 years (so that was the plan), then 2 years of graduate school...and now...well...

I guess my plan is to find more work so that I'm not just a part-time therapist, part-time poor twenty-something, as a result a part-time socialite/part-time adult, etc.

Speaking of socialite.  The last week or so I've seen so many of my closest friends.  I've been in and out of the city more than I had in the last month and it's been so enjoyable to catch up and be in the mix of the hustle and bustle (though my bank account is yelling at me through emails warning me that I'm not really able to have this much fun).

Things that we've been catching up on are relationships (new, none, moving in-togethers, engagements, recent breakups...they run the gamut these days), work (new, not enough, too much, needing of a change, etc) and family life (the good, the bad and the ugly, births, deaths, divorce, parents dating...).

All of a sudden it's like wow, I'm an adult.  For real.  Like, no question.  The things that are going on in my life and my friends lives are always what's been going on, but on such a larger level.  Our concerns are maintaining our credit, maintaining our health and finding happiness with others and inside ourselves.  This isn't fun and games.

Although there are a lot of fun things that I'm not really willing to give up with my newly realized "adultness".  I want to work on being sillier, and more spontaneous.  I've learned that to survive circumstance, being serious and organized and planned out are the best routes of attack, but I'm feeling like I need an adventure, I need some excitement (positive/happy excitement vs. bad news upheaval).

One example is that I'm getting the travel bug really badly.  I haven't traveled really since going to Australia last spring...so it's been almost a year and a half.

This is just unacceptable.

For someone that was used to getting on a plane and going somewhere about 4 times a year, this is just painful.  I need some exploration.  The reason, that I haven't traveled, is clearly money.  I need to find some sugar daddy to take me places, or just a new job...whichever comes first but I need to do some traveling.

I actually do have some small trips coming up for weddings/bachelorettes and the like, and I have to head down to the Caribbean (I realize this sounds like a burden but it's kind of an emotionally charged trip, for various reasons) to do some paperwork on some property that has been sold from my family...so I will be on planes soon...which is great...but I want to do more.

I want to go to far off places and have rich experiences...for trips that I'm planning merely for exploration I'll have to wait a bit, which is teaching me some great patience.

Here I am saying I love the weather that is headed towards us for the next couple of months, and in the next breath I'm saying I want to get away.

So the lesson here is for me (and it keeps coming back to this) is to be content with what is and remember to be thankful for what I have going on now, despite it not being the picture I imagined.

It's time to get back to the simple pleasures in life, it's time to get back to appreciating what is going well...it's time to Fall Back.

It's about 6 weeks until Halloween (one of my favorite holidays) and 10 weeks until Thanksgiving (my favorite holiday)...but I'm going to start my thanks early for the change of season.

Just a few things I'm thankful/looking forward to this fall:

• Apple picking 
• Driving and seeing foliage 
• Fall camping?
• Taking a deep breath of crisp air and feeling invigorated
• Yom Kippur (no lie, it's my favorite jewish holiday...something about the fasting helps to mark the new year and brings a lot of closure from the year before and hope for the next one)
• Football, Sunday Funday's, are back
• Hockey is around the corner
• Bye bye humidity, hello good hair days
• Halloween costume planning (thoughts?? last year I was a double rainbow)
• Halloween - dressing up despite my age
• Getting back into my running routine
• Snuggling up with my down comforter 
• Jeans
• Getting away with skipping a couple days shaving my legs (ladies you know you're with me on this one)
• Boots
• Scarves
• Sweaters
• Not worrying about the fact that I don't have a tan
• Thanksgiving with my wonderful family
• I'm not worried that winter is coming, I have AWD and heated seats now :)

What are you looking forward to?

Until next time,
E

Taking back September 11th

Ten years ago, this morning, I walked into my senior year astronomy class like any other day. 

Like any other day this was going to be a class where we typically were learning and exploring the vast, and literal awesomeness, that is space. This typically made me feel like such a small piece of the universe, and appreciate the gravity and also futility of my part in it.

Well, on this day in 2001 particularly, in this class, I felt like the gravity and futility of like were incarnated on the small tv screen in the corner of the lab room.

Someone walked by as people were changing class periods and said "turn on the tv, a plane crashed into a tower in New York".

What followed, felt and looked like a movie we had seen staring Harrison Ford or Will Smith or the like. 

There was so much confusion. Those first couple of minitues of hearing about the accident, turned to further confusion as we watched the second plane hit.

Wait.  Was that another plane?  Is this live or is it a loop? No the other tower is already smouldering. What is going on?  How could two planes hit by accident?  Is this real? Did they evacuate the buildings?  Do I know anyone near there? Oh no. What is that thing falling?  What is that thud sound? Oh God. Are people jumping?

Horrific. Terrifying. Confusing. Disbelief. Numb. Did I mention confusing?

I'm pretty sure my 17 year old mind wasn't able to understand what was happening, no one really did. I knew it was bad, I knew people were upset.  I knew it didn't feel real.

The unfolding of the day brought about more questions, fear, sadness and disoreientaion. 

We all have our own stories of this. My experience was life changing in the context of history and how it affected those around me, and how it changed the course of life in the States as we know it. 

My own experience of it was mild. I didn't lose anyone I really knew. The people I worried about were okay (though some of them lost friends or family) and I wasn't there.

Context is everythings. Those who were not affected, were.

This morning I was driving to a class that I'm taking over some weekends and I drove in a quiet car. Mainly because I was paying attention to my GPS but also because I couldn't listen to all the 9/11 coverage.

I was emotional.

I was more emotional than I expected. Why am I crying? I thought.  I felt this sense of loss and grief that I'm sure was much of my own, but I understood that today, many many people would be feeling this. The communal exprience, or the context, I could feel.

I broke out into song. I sang the national anthem, in my car alone, tearing up. Otherwise in silence. I bet that if I wasn't so overtaken by emotion I wouldn't have been compelled to sing.

But it just happened.

Now I love many things about this country, and respect the people who serve it, and stand by my country despite disagreeing with many things (otherwise I would live elsewhere)...so I'm patriotic but not blindingly so.

I see many faults in our systems and how we move forward into the future about many things, but at the end of the day I'm here and I appreciate the life I'm able to have.

If I had to describe myself in 10 words, patriotic would not be one of them...but neither would anarchist or hatred (of anything, nevermind America).

But I would include loyal, loving, empathic, among other things. I'm loyal to this country despite not being born here.  Most of my family is here (though not all) and I don't agree 100% for the sake of agreeing with what past (and present) presidents prescribe for this country (and others). But I'm loyal.

And I get goosebumps every time I hear the national anthem.  It get me in the heart.

I was surprised by how moved I was this morning when I looked at the clock and knew that 10 years ago I sat with 30 of my fellow classmates and witnessed a turning point.

Now, as I write this on my phone, I'm laying in the grass on my lunch break on a beautiful day. It is sunny and breezy (my favorite) and warm enough that the cool grass is refreshing.  It's an all around beautiful day.

If it was another day on the calendar this day would make me feel thankful and appreciative of not only the weather but for my health, that I'm taking a class that really interests me and that I'm alive.

Because today is monumental based upon how we have constructed time and understand anniversaries and remembering our stories...I feel particularly greatful. 

I'm taking back September 11th. It is a day of remembering no matter how you slice it. 

But.

But instead of being sad today, I'm going to be thankful. I'm going to be thankful for my life, those around me, those who helped the cause on that day and for the last 10 years, thankful that I'm here to help others with tragedies in their lives...

This is not to minimalize or negate others loss and suffering...instead I see it as honoring those who were lost and their grieving loved ones, by being present, appreciating what I'm living for and remind myself that there is no time but now, no way to be but be.

I want to acknowledge all the heroes, known and otherwise not "known", those who have suffered from this event, and from others. I send the world healing thoughts and love from the center of my heart, from a place that knows loss and grief well, and in rays extending from every point at the center of my heart I'm sending healing and comfort to all.

Love your fellow human being.  You never really know what someone is suffering with or experiencing or has experienced...compassion is our best tool.

I love you even if I don't know you.

Until next time,
E

dream a little dream

I have a lot of dreams.

Yes, like hopes and dreams, but today I mean literally dreams while I’m sleeping.  

I’m not sure if the fact that they are so vivid and I remember a lot of them means I’m not sleeping well, or that there is a lot my subconscious/unconscious mind needs to work through.  I do often feel like I’m not rested, even when I’ve gotten a good amount of sleep, so maybe its both.

Last night/this morning (hard to know when they occurred or if they are in between hitting snooze) I had a handful of dreams that were linked in some way but that way I really can’t remember.  I’m not sure what the order was either as it’s hard to consciously work through the swirling nature that is my dream-state.  I’ll share some brief details about some of them.

The first dream, or the dream that feels most pertinent to today, was about my step dad.  (To get the back story about my dad and step dad situation read Daddy Issues – unfortunately no update about my step dad even to this day, still have not heard from him - don’t know his whereabouts…)

Today is his birthday, and if he’s alive he’s 53, and if he’s not then he visited me last night in my dream.  I don’t know where we were but it seemed dark, almost like in a basement or in a dark room somewhere and I was telling/crying to him that I miss him, and that I want him to be at my wedding while I hugged him.  His arms were thin and his belly was bloated, giving me the indication in the dream he was very sick (as I imagine in real life he still is very, very sick). 

To me one of the saddest pieces of losing a parent at this point in one’s life is that they won’t get to see you come to your full fruition.  They won’t see the success you are, they won’t see the person you turn out to be, or meet your children, or be at your wedding.  This is one of the hardest pills to swallow for me, aside from missing him dearly.

The second portion of the dream was taking place in the White House.  It was a White House wedding, and it was mine.  Very odd.  I was in a wedding dress I didn’t pick for myself, my bridesmaids dresses were pretty but definitely I didn’t pick them, I was walking through what felt like a mall with my dress on trying to find someone to do my hair because the messy bun from the day before wouldn’t do…Some guy didn’t hold the door open for me while I clearly was wearing a wedding gown, and I remember being like “mom, how could we not have gotten someone to do my hair?”.  

I have no idea who I was marrying. 

I didn’t question it in the dream; I didn’t even think about who “he” was.  I remember that I felt proud that I was having a White House wedding, but had no idea if I was part of the presidential family or if we had rented it out (wouldn’t that be kind of cool?).  

Then I can’t remember if this is before the step dad dream or after the wedding, but I had a dream about some of my friends from home, we were out at a bar I think playing pool.  I remember thinking, how can I get married right now, we’re all just hanging out.

So I don’t know what to make of this.

Maybe my worries about finding someone to settle down with have been kicked up lately (I’m sure they have).  

Maybe because it’s my step dad’s birthday it brings up how much I miss him and how sad it is for me that he likely will not be a part of my life moving forward.

Maybe it’s an indication I should get into politics (I’m sure they’d dig up this blog wouldn’t they), or at least move to DC.  

Who knows.

Clients come in all the time saying “I had this dream, what does it mean?”  I’m a psychotherapist and not in the business of interpreting dreams, really.

From my own dream experience and what I know about psychology, very often it seems that the dreams are their day to day fears incarnated, or the mind trying to work through a problem.  Sometimes they make no sense, and I’m sure sometimes (or a lot of the time), they don’t really mean anything.

There are people who interpret dreams, and I’m sure many of you have gotten or picked up a dream interpretation book with some curiosity at some point in your life, hoping to unlock the secrets of your mind. 

I’ll leave the interpretation to the experts, but like my clients, I wonder what the message is. 

It was nice to get a visit from my step dad and to give him a hug in my dream.  While the dream left me feeling sad, it’s all I have of him right now and it is better than nothing.  

As of the wedding portion/dream…maybe (haha yah, maybe…) my internal clock is getting impatient.  Tough shit internal clock…not much I can do about it at the moment.  Frankly, not much I want to do it at the moment.

I feel like the past couple weeks/months/years have been so many transitions and big changes that until some of the other big pieces start to click into place (where I’m living, my job, finances), I’m not even “ready” in some ways.  When the timing is right, it will happen. I’m throwing my hands up and focusing on the other big pieces for now.

What are some of the dreams you have?  Reoccurring dreams? I’ve had some of those…Thoughts on how you interpret dreams?

Until next dream,

E

Moving home gracefully and temporarily. (Part III)

I haven't written in a while and I've noticed that my pace on this blog is slowing.  Summer is hard to be consistent about, well, anything that isn't drinking or getting some sun.

I've been pretty busy with those things as well as ramping up my therapy practice at work (trying, like I said, hard to get people to consistently do anything in the summer, never mind get therapy), I've been seeing friends, having a lot of family gatherings, etc.

But I feel bored.  I feel bored not because I'm not active, not because I'm not doing anything, but because I have this sinking feeling "this is it?".

Yesterday I tried to research some PhD programs that might be interesting compliments to my mental heath masters, and it's possible I'll want to go onto more education...but what this really indicates to me is that it only being 3 months after I've graduated that I'm already hungry for something else...hungry to fill a void or a bored space.

This is a void I would likely recognize in a client and discuss how these feelings of emptiness/boredom can't be filled by more power, more money, more stuff, more "doing"...that it has to come from within.

But I've realized I'm ready for something more.  I'm not sure what that more is within me, but I'm hoping I can figure it out, or just happen upon it...soon.

Bored + Impatience = Low Mood and  Frustration.

The last couple weeks I've vacillated from feeling a bit low and anxious about living at home and missing living in the city terribly...to having a great time at home (Part I, Part II) and being beyond thankful that I can even do this.

Every time I go into the city, which hasn't been as frequent as I'd hoped the last few weeks, I get this pang of sadness and longing to be able to walk out of my door, walk a few blocks to my friends' apartments, or hop on the train and be in a historical neighborhood in 20 minutes and eat in little family restaurants and people watch.  

But, while I'm at home, and on good days, I have a lot of fun and feel thankful...I've been making a concerted effort for it to be a fun summer by having a few pool parties or going camping or whatever.   

Last night it felt like a mini high school reunion at a local bar I frequent (my good friend bartends), it was great to see people I haven't in ages...I wasn't thrilled to have to admit that I'm back in our home town, but most of the response is understanding, or that they've done the same, or that "circumstances are circumstances"...and frankly if you're going to judge me on this, well, so be it.  I've gotten over that for the most part.  But the point is, it was an enjoyable night despite it being around the corner from where I live with my mom.

I don't know.  I've talked about really working on feeling content with what I have and maybe this is my opportunity to continue to bring myself back to center and focus on enjoying this time where I have less worries (rent), and be excited about when (who know's when) I'll be able to get back into city/independent life...

Sigh.

On top of my own BS, work has been challenging.  It's been hard to see things like kids getting bullied/harassed so much in school that they feel desperate and unsafe...or when a mom is clearly off her rocker and a poor kid doesn't know how to get through the day at home without being ridiculed.  It's rewarding work, but it's tough work.  I feel like so much gets taken out of me with this work I have to figure out how to really nourish myself so that I'm not depleted.

Typically this nourishment has been being social, but with working longer hours and living outside of the city, it looks like I need to find other avenues.

I've been more consistent with running in the last 2 weeks (still not much) which has been good, and my lovely mom bought be a bunch of yoga classes so I should be set to take yoga for the next couple of months.  I've really found this to be challenging but also wonderful.  I found a yoga studio that isn't pretentious but that is focused on moving meditation, focusing on the body, going at your own pace...it's great.  

I know I'm not in as much of a lurch as it feels in the fleeting moments of feeling unfulfilled.  I guess I just need to keep on doing what I'm doing and trust that I'm headed in the right direction with work, life, friends, whatever, and try and enjoy the ride as much as enjoy driving my new wheels.

Maybe the more I'm seeking is just shifting my perspective to accepting what is and relaxing my grip on what isn't.  Literally doing some letting go.  Maybe once I let go, I can actually grasp what is.  Did I just blow your mind?  Ha.

I'll try and write more also, since I think spilling onto this page tends to help me purge my negative feelings and I work through my frustrations and complaints fairly well here.  I've noticed that typically by the end of the post I'm feeling optimistic, so I should really keep it up.  Maybe it's some of the nourishment the last week or so I've been lacking.

Nag me for a new post when you haven't heard from me, will ya?

Until next time,

E

Type A- looking for true Type B+

Apparently I need to be less type A.  More like A-. 

I haven't talked about therapy in a while because fankly there hasn't been much reason to.  Mostly I've been working through all of the adjustments you know about in terms of working and living and moat recently, car shopping.

Now that the bulk of that is settled, or at least on the trajectory that they need to be, what is left?
Well, relationships. This keeps resurfacing.

We did some talking about what didn't work in my last relationship and what hasn't been working with the guys I've been dating since.

Overall the theme is mutuality.

Either a guy is interested and I'm not or I'm interested and he is either a) more hung up on his ex than I am on mine b) low and behold has the emotional maturity of the 15 year olds I work with or c) isn't interested in me.

I usually know pretty quickly when things aren't going to work on my end. I clearly see when things are deal breakers for me, and quickly lose interest.

However when my interest and intrigue is captivated, sometimes I hang on too long when there are signs that it may be a dead end (read: he thinks I'm a good time and that's all he's interested in).

I've talked before about my daddy issues and clearly the theme of being avandonded or disappointed is a recurring one, and possibly is why I've learned that I don't need a man.

I don't need anyone.

It's actually a sad sentiment. I thought for a long time that this was a strength. It has helped me to endure some hard times, helped me to get through losses and helped me to survive things beyond my control.

But what it has left me with is the air (and truth) that I don't need Another.

I'm not vulnerable enough to need. 

Ipso facto, I need to be more vulnerable.

This flies in the face of wanting to be self sufficient and able to get through anything and protect myself.
Of course I'm not meaning vulnerable like making poor decisions and leaving myself wide open to people I know are bad for me, but instead allowing someone else to see what I need and want versus how stellar and rock solid I am.

"What guy wouldn't want to be needed...even just a little?" My therapist asked.

I guess damsel in distress has proven to work, but I don't see myself even getting to the point where I need a guy to rescue me..but maybe I'd like a little rescuing from time to time. Being the rescuer all the time is exhausting.

We talked about types today. Clearly I'm type A. Dating someone type A is intruguing to me, and tend to be the people I have great chemistry with and butt heads with.  probably more realistically type B would do me some good. Balance is key. Maybe they can show me how to better relax and I can show them how to get shit done.

I told her that I get turned off when a guy doesnt have opinions and defaults to me.  "wow you are so interesting" makes me feel awkward when I hear it and indicates that they are themselves not so interesting.

I need a guy that is relaxed but has a strong personality and who I view as strong overall and that I respect.

The "nice guy" who fawns over my experiences without having some of his own, is not one I'm intrigued by.  The nice guy is typically someone I write off unless I know under the politeness is someone who isn't living to please me, but is instead living to be my equal...and most importantly wants me to be his equal.

"How can someone be equal when you are up here" she asked with her hand in the air, "seems like it would be hard to live up to your expectations. I wonder if it would be hard to be in a relationship with you?".

Ouch.  Fair.

We talked about this. She didn't mean hard to be in a relationship with in terms of not being a good girlfriend or being a good person, so much as hard for my boyfriend to live up to what I want and feel I deserve. This is true. Few people have yet to come close.

I'm not really willing to be anyone but myself.  If I'm too intense and intimidating then I can justify toning myself down to a type A-.  But really only if that type B is a true B and not more like type C.  Type C feels like a wrt blanket. Bleh.  To each their own but not my cup of tea with milk and honey.
You know what I mean?

Well all on all, tough session. I get her point. I don't disagree that I need to be a bit more vulnerable and let a guy know that he's needed and wanted, and to allow others to do for me...and most importantly to relax a bit...so I'll work on that.

As for the other piece to that puzzle, I'm keeping my eyes and heart open for when he comes into my life or shows himself to me.

Anyone know a true type B (B+ is even better...) who is a little more intriguing and strong willed than white bread and can handle an independent but generous and affectionate lady? Haha. Let me know.

Until next time,
E aka A-

accidentally unplugged - camping adventure

This weekend my friend and I went on our second annual tubing/camping trip, down an infamous river about 3 hours away from where we live.

Punky Baru-ster

Some of the key things that preceded this trip are that I just bought a new-to-me car (FINALLY) and I have a bunch of stuff for camping - a tent/sleeping bag/inflatable sleeping pad/etc.  I always have every intention of doing more camping every year, but suddenly here we are and it's near the end of the summer.

panoramic sunroof - doesn't do it justice

The new-to-me car is a Forester (get your "Lesbaru" comments out here, I've heard them all already).  She's awesome.  She's hard core (AWD) and dependable, in sexy and classy way.  Sounds like someone I know.  Suped up, leather, heated windshield wipers, she's RED, lots of cargo space, a roof rack and what they call a panoramic sunroof.  Amazing.

You know how I feel about what's in a name...so, I name things.  I'll introduce you to 3 inanimate objects today that I've named in fun.  The car's name is Punky Baru-ster (Subaru-Forester, you get the point), and she is pretty bad ass...and perfect for camping.

So I'm geared up, ready to go.

Well, Friday night I was in the basement getting a few more of my camping things and hit my head on the side of the ceiling that hangs down by the stairs.  Boom.  Egg on the top of my head.  Likely a mild concussion.  I swear that is why the rest of the events unfolded as they did.

In the morning (after icing my head, taking Advil and praying I wake up) I go to pick up my friend at her parents house.  We have some breakfast (delish french toast thanks to her mom) and chat with some of her family, learn how to tie some knots (thanks to her dad - bonus points if you can name the knot: rabbit comes up the hole, around the tree, and down the hole again) and we grabbed her stuff and we were on our way!

As if almost going the wrong direction (west vs. east) on the highway as if on autopilot wasn't enough... about an hour into the drive, my friend picks up her phone.  She realizes she's missed a few calls and a text.

"E forgot her purse at our house" she reads out-loud.

My heart dropped.

What? I never do that! I'm super responsible, so much so that she even had asked me to hold some stuff for her since I was more likely not to lose it!  Okay so we knew we didn't LOSE it but it had my money, my ID (which is important when you plan on drinking as you float down the river), phone, my toiletries...you get the point, the essentials.  We made a quick decision to move forward and keep driving.  I just prayed I didn't get pulled over.

Meanwhile I'm starting to ruminate over the fact that my brain feels swollen and I feel like I got a mild concussion...which would explain being forgetful and leaving my purse at her parents house, and taking 5 tries to get that damn knot right.

Anyway, to save you the anxiety that I'm sure you're sitting with...nothing bad happened.  I didn't get pulled over, I didn't need the money, my friend passed for over 21 (she's 27) so we managed to get beer and all the things we needed.

Kawin, RIP

We decided that we'll at least do this trip until we're 30, but that it will morph and change over time.  This year we changed our drinking system.  We constructed a floatation device this year that was more successful than last year's.

Last year we bought a kid's fish floatie ring from Target which we named after a licence plate we saw on our way: KAWIN (We could not decide if this was a last name or if it was Karen with a speach impediment.  We opted for the later).  Last year Kawin flipped a few times and was often laying on her side spilling water all into our sandwhich bags and preventing us from our Subway $5 footlong lunches...at times we were worried about her making it.

Sadly, my most recent pool party she passed away.  Too many adults were jumping onto her...so as a resutl we needed a new cooler float.

Carlton

We found Carlton.

Carlton is a kiddie float with leg holes (perfect for fitting our cooler) and as you can see has a flower that hangs over the top for a baby to have shade.  We thought the flower made the float look like a phonograph.

Anyway, we ended up naming him Carlton...we figured the flowery nature of the float made him a little more feminine and I had the mental picture of Carlton dancing from Fresh Prince...so it stuck.  Carlton was good to us.  No flipping.  We even fooled people who thought we were pulling a poor child down the river in it.

Another change was that the river was higher than last year.  Thankfully.  Last year the river was about 3 inches deep in long portions where we had to walk.  This year we floated almost the complete distance without walking.  It was fun...and relaxing.

my friend's pic of our campsite :)

We were at a different camp site than last year, too.  It was quiet, we didn't end up being at the party camp sites.  It was relaxing and our focus for the remainder of the night was burning 4 bundles of wet (but cheap!) wood.  We finally figured out how to keep it going when a 4 year old girl from the next campsite suggested we use some sticks from the wood as kindling.  Kids say the darnedest things.  Oh right, sticks, duh.

Okay this post is not meant to show that we are inept at roughing it.  I had a mild concussion (ha) and we had been drinking, so the fire was not something that that roared right away.  My friend was stealthy and got it going.  We mused that this was a sign that even when you think you're defeated or something isn't going to work, sometimes you just needs some kindling (and toilet paper) and some patience and the fire will come alive.

We burned all but 1 piece of wood when it started to rain.

The sound of the rain on the tent was soothing...for the most part.  Middle of the night I woke up to what sounded like a monsoon outside. In the morning we both said we had been worried we'd be washed into the pond we were camping next to...the worst that occurred really was a wet tent on the outside and small leaks on the floor on the inside.  I need a drop cloth/tarp for underneath for next time.

Alas, the trip was fantastic.  We laughed. We were quiet. We roasted hotdogs on sticks.  We roasted marshmallows.  We floated.  We miraculously didn't need to pee while floating down the river for 5 hours...okay don't think about that part too much, I'll blush.

The best part (other than sitting by the fire for hours and watching it) was that I was accidentally unplugged...I didn't have my phone and was detached from the world in a way I hadn't been in a long time.

I needed that.

I need more of that.   I now have a great excuse to do more of it...thanks to Punky.

If you want to go camping or on an adventure...please let me know.  I promise to remember my purse and adjust my internal compass so I know when I'm supposed to drive east.

Until next time,
E

90's TV shows are back!

Back in April, Nickelodeon announced they were bringing back shows from when we were kids to run reruns.

Listen to the two stories I've linked here, it will bring you back...NPR covered it then, and today on my drive home from seeing some clients, NPR was revisiting this as the 90's block premiers tonight...

The "story" here is that as twenty-somethings we were the last crop of kids to use TV as our primary entertainment.  The half generation younger than us (even probably your younger siblings/cousins) had internet from the get-go and now all the playstations/wii's their hearts could desire.

Obviously, we had Nintendo, but for the most part we were glued to the TV vs. the game console/laptop, which is really different in comparison to the youth now, for instance.

So what pops into your mind when you think of the following?
Pete and Pete
Solute Your Shorts
All That
Double Dare
Clarissa Explains it All
Doug

...these were some of the shows that were highlighted in the clips, which sparked all sorts of memories for me.  There are tons more treasures from our youth (Alex Mack, anyone?).

You've probably also played the game "Remember that show?" where you describe the show you remember watching as a kid...it's so fun to reminisce.

Then there are also the elusive shows that you can see in your head when you close your eyes, but when you describe it no one knows what the hell you are talking about?  I had that for a long time with the Noozles. I forget who finally knew what I was talking about, but it was like my inner child had finally been acknowledged because I wasn't the only one who remembered this show.

Anyway.  Just wanted to let you know that Nick will be playing all of our old favorites starting tonight at midnight EST.

Enjoy reminiscing and being brought back to being a kid for a few hours.  Share your favorite shows on this post (below), and let me know if you catch any episodes that you love, now that they're replaying!

Until next time,
E

Love Your City, Ghettos and All

I hope this post comes off how I want it to.  This is not judgmental or critical of anyone in particular or any group in particular.  In fact I think I'm realizing that I'm not as culturally aware as I thought I was.  This is an opportunity and an area of growth for me that I'm happy I stumbled upon.

...just a few random thoughts (that are not groundbreaking I assure you) about driving, city and culture.

Yesterday I was driving through a part of the city that I wasn't used to (a few run down impoverished areas where a portion of the minorities in the city, live).   I could have sworn I was in a different city than I had lived in for the last 5 years.  

First of all, how did I not really know what these parts looked/felt like? I knew they existed obviously, as they show up in the news a lot and I know people who have lived in those areas..but I had apparently not made my way through the heart of it before.  I felt like I learned a lot just from driving through (and garnered some perspective on a few of my clients who are poor or disenfranchised...).

Because I was in an area that I haven't been before, and was trying not to get lost (what did we do without GPS?), I was hyperfocused on my surroundings and where I was going...as a result I noticed things that either are more apparent there or more likely just that I don't typically notice.

Evacuation Route:  Even if there is no catastrophe going on, there is some relief when you realize that you are driving the direction that the "Evacuation Route" sign is pointing...just in case.  Ever notice that you're like "oh well, good at least I'll get out if I need to"...? Not really? Well that is probably because you see one of those signs in each town, and no follow-up signs.  Where am I supposed to go after I pass this sign?  What happens to the people coming the other direction that don't know this is the way they should be going?

Reckless Driving: There are some people who don't know how to drive, or don't care that you do.  Don't you know that you are crazy if you are going fast than me, and you are annoying if you are going slower?   I had a guy in-front of me cut over all the traffic lanes in a way that oncoming traffic almost hit him while he took a left hand turn.  Reckless drivers come in all shapes, sizes, colors, races, backgrounds, and genders.  There are a lot of stereotypes out there but frankly, I've seen a lot of 30 year old white guys drive like ass holes, so they are not exempt from needing to brush up on some rules of the road.

Not Even Padiddle:  I'm not sure how, but people are not aware that their headlights are not on.  You can try and tell them by flashing your lights, beeping, waving your hands, but in the dark they think you're just being a jerk.  Really the only way they will realize it is if you drive up next to them at a red light and risk being misinterpreted when you yell at the person in the car to open their window.  One lady was thankful actually and turned them on, but she was one of three cars I saw in a 15 minute drive (at night) where people didn't have their lights on.

Stoop Social: Hanging out on the stoop is a cultural thing...a culture however, that I'm not a part of but feel like I might enjoy.  It would not be very fulfilling here in the burbs, but once I'm back in the city I want to sit on my stoop and see what I see.  I have a feeling it might be worth the people watching, if nothing else.

Minority Based on Context: In a place where being white is the minority, there are some feelings that come up.  Feeling like you don't belong, feeling like you have something to prove (like that you can hang), concern of being judged, concern of being in danger (though likely not realistic), feeling of being "other".  I have to say there was something exhilarating about it, I felt like there was something for me to learn.  Don't misunderstand, my hometown is fairly diverse it's not like I haven't seen people outside of my own culture, but I have always lived in more culturally "vanilla" (pardon the term) parts of the cities/towns I've resided in and haven't spent much time in the ghettos or subsidized areas.  Without sounding ignorant, I wonder if people who look different than the bulk of people around them, feel this way walking around other parts of the city? Is it ever just so common that it isn't recognizable anymore? My guess is not, my guess is that for some this feels challenging on a daily basis.

You're not Paranoid: If you think others are looking at you funny, you might be right.  "Who brought her here" I'm sure was thought or said on some stoops when I got out of my car at my friend's house.  Not that she lives in the ghetto, but the area is closer to those parts and therefore is more populated by non-white families in multifamily homes.  This was actually okay. I'm not a threat, and I clearly don't look like a threat, in fact I'm sure it was probably funny to some of the neighbors who were seeing me there.

Upgrade: I'm so ready to drive a nicer car, I'm getting increasingly frustrated with Ms. Vicki...

Love Your City, Ghettos and All:  Explore the areas you don't have reason to explore.  I regret not having seen more of the beautiful less popular, cultural, interesting, historical areas of the city.  You may find some interesting things and have a better sense of who calls your area home, too.  I thought I knew, but I didn't.

Alrighty folks, have a wonderful weekend...oh and, safe driving y'all.

Until next time,
E

Climate Reality Project: September 14th, 2011

Let me be clear, this is NOT a political issue by nature.  If you believe that it is, consider yourself missinformed.  This issue has been made political in order to instill fear of things not related to taking careof the planet.  Please consider using an open mind as you watch this clip and then read on.  The Climate Reality Project has just announced the following:

What "big business" (oil, typically) and parts of the governing body would like you to believe is that this "issue" is political. They have done a great job of making you afraid of job loss and financial downturn versus the reality of the health of the earth and ourselves.  The truth is that this has become a polarizing topic, since there are a lot of politicians who have great stakes in the oil business...but is that reason enough to forget that it is still an important issue?

Unfortunately many people when faced with picking between health and money, choose money.  Many businesses, scientists, and normal every day people, however, are showing us more and more that ultimately neither has to suffer as it is right now. We can be responsible with the earth while there is a lot of money to be made in greener energy and moving away from big oil.

Recently I was at a documentary showing about Mountain Top Removal, which is really as bad as it sounds, in the beautiful Appalachian (typo earlier, sorry!) mountains. I encourage you to click on the link, type in your zip code and see how this coal collecting and nature wrecking procedure affects you (I looked mine up, one of the electrical companies in my town buys energy from a plant that uses coal from Mountain Top Removal).  Some places you don't have a choice, and some places you do.

The presenter said something really important...we need to be unified in bringing awareness and action around these important issues in order to not look like Green Wackjobs, but to instead be interpreted as a force of positive change.  So in this, I am really asking you to help spread the word, repost this post, and not leave me hanging alone in this fight.

Actually, I'm not alone.  The movement towards change is happening.  Is it enough yet? No, but with each person who speaks up, posts about taking care of the world, writes to their selectmen or statespersons, or starts a conversation about what they know, we grow.

Now I realize a lot of people when they hear the name Al Gore, instantly zone out.  I get it.  He made an ass of himself when he said he invetned the internet, and his marriage didn't work, but frankly he was almost our president and has been making big strides towards change on a very big level.  Not many people are doing this and for that I really respect him.  He's human, so he can be pulled apart, but he has done an amazing job with the Climate Reality Project (formerly The Climate Project). 

The Climate Reality Project is calling for a day of awarenress to blast out the naysayers, continue to show proof that this is NOT an oppinion, this is the reality of the world:  We can't continue to be reckless with carbon emissions, how we use water and containers, how it is important to buy local in order to save on shipping costs as well as transport emissions, smoking and poisoning not only ourselves and our loved ones, but our air, as well as with the speed of technology our growing disposable society.  

It can be different than it is.

To be fair, it is much easier to ignore this reality than to do something about it.  It is much easier to go along our days and not think about how our actions (or inaction) is affecting our world now, and even more importantly for our children.  It's much easier to not "see" any of the damadge when you live in places not affected yet, but in reality even if you aren't aware, everywhere has been affected. 

I will continue to post what I learn about other aspects of this effort such as changing access to owning, renting, or loaning your roof to electrical companies for solar pannels, wind power and how rediculous it is peole think that it ruins the landscape - if we don't do something the landscape will be ruined/gone and toxic, fracking (natural gas collection, affects the ground water, people can light their tap water on fire due to the amount of gas in it)...just to name a few.

So you ask, what can I really do, E?  I'll tell you.

1. Repost this blog entry, spread the word and support.
2. Keep an eye out for more information here, and in the news about the event on September 14th & 15th.
3. ****VERY important: Take 5 minutes and email your local government to see what changes can be done on a local level and tell them this is an important issue you will make deicions about in terms of re-election (every politicians primary goal). IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY: Message me I'll give you som examples!
4. Do some of your own research...take everythign with a grain of salt, but understand that even DIRECTIONALY all of the facts show this is a big F-ing deal.
5. Remember, being midnful of our health, the world's health and the future generations does not make you anti-American, it does not make you anti-business (large or small), it does not make you politcal.  It makes you a part of what needs to happen.
6. Check out this other post/blog for more info

Thank you and until next time,
E

Sources/links for this post:
http://www.ilovemountains.org/
http://climaterealityproject.org/
http://venturebeat.com/2011/07/12/sunrun-maryland-expansion/
http://www.awea.org/
http://www.businessweek.com/magazine/content/11_11/b4219025777026_page_2.htm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U01EK76Sy4A
http://planetsave.com/2011/07/13/crazy-environmental-global-warming-politics/

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